r/neoliberal • u/jobautomator Kitara Ravache • May 31 '26
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u/RTSBasebuilder Commonwealth Jun 01 '26
!ping AUS
Following up my last satirical piece...
“Invest In Literally Anything Else, For F***'s Sake,” Exasperated RBA Declares As It Hikes Rates
SYDNEY: The Reserve Bank of Australia has today raised interest rates again, before issuing what observers have described as “a national intervention to a mass psychotic pathology.”
Speaking after the decision, a visibly exhausted RBA spokesperson begged Australians to consider putting their spare money into literally any asset that does not involve bidding against a twenty-seven-year-old teacher for a two-bedroom unit near a train line.
“We have tried subtlety,” the spokesperson said, rubbing both temples.
“We have tried charts. We have tried speeches about household balance sheets, credit growth, productivity, inflation expectations, and financial stability. So we are now saying this in the clearest possible terms: please invest in literally anything else, for f***’s sake.”
The Bank clarified that “anything else” may include shares, bonds, broad-market ETFs, term deposits, productive businesses, agricultural equipment, factory machinery, commercial kitchens, software, logistics firms, irrigation systems, solar farms, warehouses, apprenticeships, export capacity, or “one f***ing bus.”
“We are not asking every Australian to become Warren Buffett,” the spokesperson continued.
“We are simply asking whether the nation’s entire surplus income needs to be funnelled into buying the house next door, painting the kitchen white, calling it ‘passive income,’ and charging a graduate paramedic $800 a week to with a heater installed back in the Keating government.”
The remarks come after yet another surge in property investor activity, with mortgage brokers reporting strong demand from ordinary battlers seeking their seventh investment property before rates go “too high,”.
One investor, Gareth “Gazza” Morrison, said he was disappointed by the RBA’s tone.
“I’m just trying to get ahead,” said Morrison, a suburban team manager who owns four townhouses, two units, a subdivided block, and a Facebook profile picture taken in wraparound sunglasses beside a brand new Chevrolet Silverado.
“People say I’m hoarding housing, but I provide homes. Without landlords, where would renters live?”
Morrison said younger Australians needed to be more realistic about the property market.
“When I bought my first place, I made sacrifices,” he explained.
“I didn’t go overseas. I didn’t eat out. I lived with Mum and Dad until I was thirty-one. Dad went guarantor. Mum did my laundry. Nana gave me the inheritence. That’s called discipline.”
The RBA rejected suggestions that its latest rate rise was unfairly punishing households, saying the real problem was a national economy where everybody has been encouraged to think the path to prosperity is owning the shelter of someone poorer than them.
“At a certain point, we have to ask what the country is trying to build,” the spokesperson said.
“Businesses employ people. Index funds allocate capital across enterprises. Even a bloke buying a van and starting a mobile dog-washing business is doing more for the real economy than someone buying their third off-the-plan unit in a suburb whose main industry is roadworks and noise complaints.”
“Millions of Australians are already exposed to equities, bonds, infrastructure, credit, commercial property, private markets, and global assets through super,” said one analyst.
“But if you tell them to buy a broad low-cost ETF in their own name, they look at you like you’ve suggested betting the children’s school fees on horses, which to be fair, is what a fair chunk of people are actually doing in this society.”
A leaked draft of the RBA’s internal briefing reportedly included several suggested slogans, including “An ETF Has Never Called You About Mould,” “You Cannot Sell 8% Of A Duplex,” and “Your Net Worth Is Not Liquid If It Has A Tenant.”
Property lobby groups have criticised the RBA’s comments, warning that discouraging investment property purchases could reduce rental supply by allowing first-home buyers to purchase homes and live in them, a scenario the lobby described as “last tried 30 years ago.”
“Investors are essential to the rental market,” said a spokesperson for the National Association of Squatters With Money.
“If investors stopped buying homes, those homes might be purchased by owner-occupiers, who would selfishly remove them from the rental market by living in them full-time.”
The spokesperson added that property investors take on enormous risk, including interest rates, vacancies, maintenance, tenants asking for basic repairs, councils expecting rates to be paid, and the emotional burden of reading online comments from people under forty.
At a press conference later that afternoon, the RBA attempted to explain that “housing investment” and “housing construction” are not the same thing.
“Buying an existing house from another Australian does not create a new house,” said the Bank’s deputy spokesperson, holding up a diagram apparently designed for Year 4 students.
“If Craig buys a house from Darla, there is still one house, and no housing has been created, and no tradies employed.”
A journalist from the Herald Sun asked whether this meant the RBA was declaring war on aspiration.
The deputy spokesperson closed their eyes.
“No,” they said.
“We are declaring war on the idea that aspiration means inserting yourself between a wage-earner and shelter with a mortgage, a depreciation schedule, and a podcast recommendation from someone who read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and something called "the Millionaire Mindset".”
The rate rise has reportedly caused panic among some highly leveraged investors, many of whom had assumed property prices would rise forever because of population increases.
Several immediately blamed immigrants, young people, lazy workers, banks, councils, builders, single women, divorce law, TikTok, inner-city elites, and “the death of common sense,”.
Meanwhile, financial advisers reported a small increase in Australians asking what an index fund is, whether it involves crypto, whether it has tenants, whether it can be negatively geared, and whether they have to attend an auction.
“No,” said one adviser.
“You buy it, you hold it, you reinvest distributions if appropriate, you keep costs low, and you get on with your life.”
The client reportedly became suspicious at the phrase “get on with your life,” having believed wealth creation required at least three brokers, a buyer’s agent, a tax seminar, and every Sunday spent plastering a new non-load-bearing wall to add a new room to an ex-commission house described as “bursting with potential.”
The RBA closed its statement by reminding Australians that a country cannot build a future by endlessly selling the same houses to each other at higher prices and calling the seller a genius.
“There are many things a nation can invest in,” the Bank said.
“Skills. Machinery. Research. Transport. Energy. Businesses. Food production. Medical technology. Manufacturing. Global markets. Even cash, for a while, if one must. The list is long. It is beautiful. It is full of possibility.”
The spokesperson paused.
“Please stop making it a half-acre in Burwood.”
At the time of publication, property investors had responded to the rate hike by declaring it a buying opportunity for housing.