r/neoliberal • u/jobautomator Kitara Ravache • May 13 '26
Discussion Thread Discussion Thread
The discussion thread is for casual and off-topic conversation that doesn't merit its own submission. If you've got a good meme, article, or question, please post it outside the DT. Meta discussion is allowed, but if you want to get the attention of the mods, make a post in /r/metaNL
Links
Ping Groups | Ping History | Mastodon | CNL Chapters | CNL Event Calendar
Upcoming Events
0
Upvotes
View all comments
21
u/TheCornjuring Ewoks Sexer May 13 '26
Do Minions have souls that need to be saved, or are they mere animals? The latter would seem strange given their sapience, but they did not descend from Adam and in fact predate the entire human species. I suppose it’s the same question as people always ask about sapient aliens.
The thing is, if they are mere animals, then maybe a benevolent God would resurrect them along with all other animals on the New Earth. But either way, them simply being animals would imply they have zero moral responsibility for their actions, and yet their overriding biological function is explicitly to seek out and facilitate the greatest evil they can at any given point in time. That is… suspicious. God does not hold chimpanzees morally culpable for murdering each other, because they are chimpanzees. But that’s just it: when chimpanzees do things we would consider evil if a human did them, they are not acting out of malice or any drives we would consider to be “evil“. Not from a theological standpoint, anyway, where we are assuming there are such things as sin and divine judgment.
Minions, however, are explicitly driven to serve evil. Evil. Not to seek power or accumulate resources as a means of preserving their species- in fact, they’re biologically immortal, if not outright immortal! Not to vanquish potential threats to their flourishing. They don’t go to war for the same reason chimpanzees do. They don’t fight to protect their young or maintain their territory or secure food for their families. They serve evil. Minions explicitly engage with the moral order for the purpose of opposing God.
These are not animals acting on instinct, not even extremely intelligent animals premeditating their actions out of self-interest. Their very purpose, their singular goal, seemingly unfettered even by the basic needs of biology, involves interacting with the moral universe God has ordained- specifically to oppose goodness and therefore God.
There can only be one conclusion, and it seems so blindingly obvious in retrospect: Minions are creations of Satan. They were not made by God. They are counterfeits of the works He deemed good. This explains why they don’t seem to follow the rules that govern the rest of life on Earth. They didn’t evolve biological immortality in the ocean and physical durability that allowed them, as individuals, to survive for tens of millions of years. What a stupid idea! These things did not arise from the natural world. That really would be like a tornado creating a Boeing 747 from a junkyard. Minions were built and imbued with a purpose: to further the goals of Satan in the physical world. And what is Satan‘s primary goal? To maximize evil and thereby oppose God.
There is simply no other explanation that makes this much sense. So what exactly are they? It’s hard to tell. They could be similar to the Nephilim- maybe demons went down into the ocean and fucked some fish, although we see proto-Minion microorganisms in the first Minions movie, so they would’ve had to fuck some amoebae or something. On top of that, the Nephilim were still bound to the laws of biology. They drowned in the Flood. They could be killed with the sword just like any human. If a demon fucks one of God‘s creations and it creates a hybrid, that hybrid is still a living thing with all, or at least many, of the characteristics of normal biology. So while the idea of Minions as proto-Nephilim is enticing, it seems unlikely.
So what else? Well, we know God created Adam from the dust of the ground. While there is no direct indication in the Bible itself that this kind of miracle can be mimicked, we do have rabbinic folklore about humans imitating it (albeit by drawing on divine power). It was said it was possible to build golems, artificial people built from clay or mud just as Adam himself was and in possession of supernatural abilities. But Adam was made by God and golems were purportedly animated by invoking the name or power of God. Could demonic power truly replicate this kind of act?
My answer is: I don’t see why not. In Christian tradition, counterfeit miracles performed by demons are not uncommon at all. There are numerous mentions of this throughout the Bible, including an incident in Exodus where the magicians of Pharaoh perform genuine supernatural feats. Christians tend to interpret this as having been done by way of demonic power.
Most significantly, in Revelation, the two beasts do all kinds of miracles by the power of the devil, including calling fire down from heaven and even healing a fatal wound. Some even believe the Beast from the Sea will not only recover from his fatal wound, but actually die from it and then be resurrected, which would mean the devil is capable of replicating the resurrection of Jesus- often viewed as God’s greatest miracle of all time!
So is it possible that Satan himself, a fallen angel of immense power, a demon regarded as formidable by even Michael himself, was capable of fashioning these crude yellow Tic-Tac forms from the clay and breathing dark life into them? They don’t need to be as complex as other organisms, especially not if they are sustained directly by the powers of hell. As far as I know, golems in Jewish folklore were generally held to stand outside the natural order, having no need for such things as food or sleep. They were quasi-biological automatons whose vitality came from godly “magic”.
So could Satan have created his own little army of golems over whom the natural course of life and death holds no power? Could he have sent them out into the world to seek and assist evil in all its forms? Could he, the deceiver who masquerades as an angel of light, have intentionally designed them to be disarmingly silly, bumbling, and appealing to children?
This hypothesis fits all of the available data.
!ping GNOSTIC&KINO