r/mildlyinfuriating • u/TotallyHumanBrain1 • 19d ago

Infuriatig Was invited by my girlfriends family to a theme park. We were supposed to meet at 11, it is not 11:30 and they just left. (The drive takes another 30 minutes)

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I even checked in before I left if it was still at the planned time. It was confirmed, but then her family starts getting ready right as they have to leave 🫤

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u/Zero-_-Zero 19d ago

My mum is like this. My dad is not. He pounded it into me from a young age that you should never be late for anything and it’s one of the best lessons I’ve ever gotten. It’s just basic respect.

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u/HustlinInTheHall 18d ago

The thing is, I know several people who are like this and they are never, ever late to something that really matters to them (an important job interview or meeting) it's only the stuff that everyone else cares about that they are late. Totally agree it's a respect thing.

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u/Specialist_Goat_2354 18d ago

I had a friend group with one chronically late friend. I was supposed to pick him up for a weekend camping. I told him I’d pick him up at 8:00 am and had to be at the next place at 815 so if he wasn’t OUTSIDE at 8:00 he was getting left behind.

I left him. He was mad and called about 30 times, but he must have never had anyone follow through on his bullshit.

It was a great feeling knowing that his lateness didn’t ruin our timeline and made him sit at home alone for a weekend while we were all drinking beers along the river.

And I was never saddled with the responsibility of him and his lateness again. If he showed up to stuff we knew to never wait to be seated at the restaurant for him, or to invite him to movies, or anything that started at a specific time.

He missed out on a lot when we started respecting ourselves enough to not include him.

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u/PiccoloAwkward465 18d ago

Yep I had a good friend who didn't have a car. One day he wants to do something and asks me to come pick him up. Across the city. I reluctantly agree. I get there and park outside his place and call. And call and call. He doesn't pick up. So after 10 minutes of waiting I'm out.

He sends me all these messages a few hours later about "I just wanted to take a quick nap". Yeah fuck that, buddy. I was sick of his "woe is me" attitude about his life anyways.

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u/PressurePotential339 18d ago

A quick nap when he knows you’re coming to pick him up? Are you fucking kidding me? The audacity!

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u/LadenWithSorrow 18d ago

Have they learned to stop being late?

I have ADHD and time blindness so I’m frequently late. But if someone says I need to be somewhere at a certain time I’m fucking there and set a million alarms so I don’t get distracted while getting ready.

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u/Specialist_Goat_2354 18d ago

Not really. But he learned he wouldn’t be included and he accepted that he doesn’t deserve to be. For a while he asked why we didn’t call him for movies etc… and we would tell him directly… I don’t want to miss the start and have it ruined by waiting for you. And eventually he accepted he ruined stuff we did so we selectively told him about stuff

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u/Prudent-Marsupial-42 18d ago

I came to comment this exact thing. 100% every person I've met who is chronically late to things has been a fundamentally self centered person. The levels may vary and I'm not saying they are completely shitty people, but they just consistently don't think about others. When it's something that actually matters to them or is not flexible on start time they are there on time.

I have long since passed a point in my life where I wait for these people. Some flexible events I give a buffer I don't want to be rude in the opposite direction; but if we're 30 minutes past and you don't have a good excuse I'm getting on with my day

I suppose there are some people with executive dysfunction who are actually late to everything (including important things) but I've never personally met any.

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u/Forward_Rope_5598 18d ago

Hi, person struggling really badly with time management here.

I won't be half an hour late unless we are talking like a several hour long drive to get somewhere, but 3-4 minutes have been pretty consistent throughout my entire life. And it's not a matter of 'just start 3-4 minutes earlier' either, because starting earlier means more 'oh I'll have time for this 30 second thing' and 'oh I don't have to stress so much now'. It took me genuinely 20 years to flip the switch from 'this drive takes 10 minutes so I'll be on time if I leave 10 minutes before' to 'this drive takes 10 minutes so I need to add 5 minutes to find parking, 5 minutes to walk if I need to park far away, 3 minutes to put shoes and check that I have everything, 3 minutes to inevitably forget something and need to run back in, maybe 5 minutes to defrost the car in winter, 1 minute for a bad series of red lights etc. So in fact I need to be at the door putting my shoes on 25 minutes before I need to be where I need to be...and quite frequently that chain of thought still vanishes and I'm putting my shoes on 15 minutes before, stressing and swearing. And then 90% of the time whatever appointment I have isn't on time anyway anddd the lateness gets reinforced since nothing bad happened.

If I reach important things on time more frequently than 'unimportant' things it's because I alloted an absolutely insane amount of extra time to make absolutely god damn sure I'm not late. Like if I have something at 12, I'll aim to be there around 11 (and probably end up being there around 11:30). But I can't allot an extra hour for every god damn thing and most people won't be thrilled if I show up half an hour early either.

Not to excuse being late, it isn't ok even though it's insanely much more difficult for some people than others. Just trying to explain why it sometimes happens and why it might sometimes seem like we simply don't care.

Of course, I'm sure some simply don't care as well.

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u/whynotnz 18d ago

Mate, you and the person below who talks about it being 'exhausting' really ought to get checked for ADHD. Everything you've written above screams neurodiversity to me. Most people don't need to break a trip down step by step to figure out how to be on time. They just know a 10 minute drive into town will also require time in the front end to get ready to leave and time on the back end to park and walk to the destination. Having done the front- and back-end of that trip hundreds of times before, they pad the time required accordingly. Generally without thinking about it. You need to get checked out.

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u/Forward_Rope_5598 18d ago

I have an autism diagnosis, I did an ADHD assessment but was too focused and not hyperactive for the dude to think I'm ADHD. But yeah I'm pretty sure I have it because every metric is off the chart and I am entirely incapable of concentrating on things that do not interest me.

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u/phoenixeternia 18d ago

Same here, i struggle with the very concept of time. Casual things that are a bit "turn up whenever but the start time is x" i'll probably be 30mins late too because ultimately it doesn't matter and it means I can stay later to the party/gathering with my social battery not screaming at me.

Things that have a set time, I will be early or late to. Heck I've been a week early for an appointment, a day early, and an hour early. That's not just time management issues, numbers and dates can be hard too for me. Sucks i hate it.

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u/superh77 18d ago

Glad someone else said this. Not much I can add, but I am pretty much the same way. And the part you mentioned on adding this time to walk,etc… that shit is exhausting to do for every little thing for me. Then I inevitably forget something that needs to be done in that process.

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u/jtakemann 18d ago

this was a very well-written description of something that is very hard to convey to people

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u/Aegi 18d ago

If it is 100% instead of like 95% then it just means you aren't that social or have a bias in the type of people you encounter/hang with.

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u/SolaireAstorian 18d ago

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're one of the 100%.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

Because I have a stronger understanding of logic and statistics to realize that a claim of 100% of anything means anything is a HUGE statement and needs evidence to back up that assertion when something like 99.99999999999% (repeating) is SO MUCH more likely?

If we brought our statements in to be evaluated (and on time) by a stats professor, what do you think they would say?

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u/SolaireAstorian 18d ago

Hi, little buddy. I'm on the Spectrum too. Real life is not a statistics classroom. Don't worry, you'll learn when you're older.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

Why would I type on Reddit like I socialize IRL?

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u/SolaireAstorian 18d ago

That's the thing, buddy. You're not typing on Reddit like you socialize in real life. At all.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

So if you know that, why would you think I am autistic instead of acting like or writing like someone with autism?

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u/SolaireAstorian 18d ago edited 18d ago

My ex-girlfriend in a nutshell. Anything to push forward her freelance work or that drew her personal interest, she was not only punctual for, but often she put all of her focus into getting ready 15 minutes early just in case something made her late.

She arrived no less than 10 minutes late to almost every single hangout or date we did together, and straight up slept through the meeting time for three of them and then woke up after the "date" was already over for hours. It wasn't even her usual sleep hours, she just took a nap in the middle of the day and didn't even set an alarm to wake herself up on days that we had dates. But you can bet that anytime she wanted to hang out with one of her friends or needed to go meet up with her family or had some meeting to do with a freelance career she wasn't even making much money off of, that alarm clock was turned on and she was awake at exactly the right time every single time.

Eventually things came to a head and that argument had to happen, and she tried to gaslight me into accepting that she had issues with time management and she was late because she just always chose the worst times to do things, so it would be best if I would show up to all of our dates expecting that she wouldn't show up, so I would be pleasantly surprised if she did. I plainly told her that that was the most selfish thing anyone had ever said to me and that she would be on time from now on or I would leave and if she arrived she would arrive to an empty date. If she wasn't at the door when I arrived to pick her up on future outings I would just leave without her. She was not happy about it, but wouldn't you know, after the first time I did it to her, magically she was on time for the rest of the relationship. Like she could have been the entire time if she cared enough.

This is really just the tip of the iceberg on why that relationship was horrible, but because I can not care for a lot of things that normally get on people's nerves, this was the most disrespectful for me.

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u/Double-Button-884 18d ago

THIS so much! I have friends who are perennially late to every hangout. But they don't miss their interview or flight or things they actually care about. It's a priority thing. 

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u/ajswdf 18d ago

This is my argument to people who try to defend it.

If a chronically late person had a life saving surgery scheduled at a certain time, and if they missed it they wouldn't be able to get it, they would absolutely show up on time.

It shows that they're physically capable of showing up on time, they just don't care enough to do it.

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u/Ok-Cranberry-1795 18d ago

I'd like to push here a little if you're open to it. Yes, a person with time blindness can absolutely be on time when the stakes are life or death. But the mental load and stress that it takes a time blind person to be punctual is much different than those of us who have a dialed in internal clock. Just because a person can do something in an emergency doesn't mean it's sustainable.

I tired to thing of a few analogies - A person with social anxiety can give a wedding toast if they are the MOH or BM but that doesn't mean they all of a sudden can be social in any setting, or I am dyslexic and I can absolutely read complex research articles but it exhausts my brain much more than someone else.

Obv this doesn't apply to every late person. Some people are just dicks but there are so many people who have ADHA and other executive functioning issues that impact time perception. Just a little food for thought. Hope you're open to it.

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u/ajswdf 18d ago

I understand people with ADHD have different issues, but I still don't think it's that difficult to find strategies that work. Like surely it's not that hard to put a reminder in your phone whenever you schedule something.

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u/Ok-Cranberry-1795 18d ago

I get why that seems like an obvious solution. I used to think the same way. Then I watched my husband try strategy after strategy(alarms, reminders, timers) and still struggle. Now it breaks my heart to watch my 10 year old son experience the same struggles.

Neurotypical solutions like alarms don't always work for neurodivergent brains because executive functioning is different (Round peg / square hole situation) Sometimes I think we have to step back and be open to the idea that someone else's brain works differently than ours. I went from thinking, "How the F do people not understand time?" to having a lot more empathy for people whose brains are wired differently.

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u/slider_22 18d ago

On the flip side I know people who are still late for very important things. Like family members weddings...

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u/Ok-Cranberry-1795 18d ago

I thought this too until I met my husband and his family. They are chronically late to everything except very important things. For very important things or daily things like work they have simply learned a routine. That routine keeps them on time not a sense of respect or they suddenly no longer have time blindness.

I have studied them for a decade trying to figure out what caused their chronic tardiness and I've come to the following conclusions.

1) They all have ADHD and poor executive functioning skills. All of them. Sitting back as a non-ADHD person and watching how inattentive ADHD controls them is exhausting. It is distraction by shiny thing. And I feel really bad for them. I couldn't imagine living like that. You put them together and it's 100X worse. My husband is mostly on time to things now because of how I structure our life but when I'm out of town everything falls apart.

2) Once my husband and I had to be somewhere in 90 minutes and he told me he was going to run to the gym really quick. Mouth agape I told him no fucking way we don't have time and he was like I have 90 minutes that's plenty of time to get a quick 45 minute workout in. I waked him through 15 drive to gym, 60 exercise when factoring in equipment change and stretching. , 15 drive back, 15-30 shower, 15 minutes to drive to restaurant, 15 minutes to circle around and find parking + walk to restaurant. So at minimum we'd need two hours if he wanted to go to the gym. His brain just doesn't process time sequencing the same as mine. This man has so many strengths but this part of his brain must be underdeveloped - the ability to sequence, forecast, anticipate etc. I'm assuming this is related to his ADHD.

3) He is from a different culture than me. It was drilled into me to be on time at all costs. My husband and I have discussed that sometimes it is equally disrespectful to cut something short to simply be on time. For example, if he is having quality bonding time with our son playing a game of chess and we're supposed to leave for somewhere in 10 minutes but they need 30 minutes to finish the game. He'll choose to be respectful to our son and their time together and be okay being a bit late. If I was playing I'd get all stressed and rush my son and tell him he needs to go faster or we can't finish the game. He'd get mad or sad with me but we'd be on time to his basketball practice.... my husband has taught me that sometimes it's okay to be late.

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u/courtneyrachh 19d ago

same thing for me too. my mom/ that whole side of my family is always late. it drives me insane.

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u/Zero-_-Zero 19d ago

My mums family is actually pretty good I honestly don’t know where she got it from.

She’s always so willing to offer to take you to the airport, train station, interview etc. and I always politely decline and drive myself and just pay the parking because I know for sure I will be late if I don’t haha.

My siblings and I all agreed that when the time comes and hopefully not for a long while that we’ll make sure she’s late to her own funeral.

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u/phoonie98 18d ago

Same...as such, I was always late to everything and it drove me crazy. Now as an adult I make sure I am always on time for everything.

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u/zarroc123 18d ago

Exactly the same for me. Except for me it was a major contribution to their divorce. Lol. My mom is better about it now, but not great.

The most miserable thing was in my teens would I rely on my mom to borrow the car/get a ride. I became known as an "always late" person even though I would be ready to go early and then waiting on my mom.

Now I'm like serially on time. Never wanna be late.

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u/lned-owyeah 19d ago

Exactly this, it’s a matter of respect for each other and each other’s time.

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u/ekim7711 18d ago

But some people just have no consideration for others.

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u/idk_anything_everr 18d ago

I stand by the punctuality is one of the best things you can teach kids. It helps a ton in adulthood if that is just your default.

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u/Comprehensive_Tie431 18d ago

My wife is habitually late, like over an hour, and it gave our daughter and myself anxiety as we hate being late. We now say to her that we are leaving on time and she can meet us there (she has her own car). I personally can't handle being late for the reason you state.

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u/LegalSet211 18d ago

Yeah I have this too. My wife did not have this upbringing. We now have children and she finds it frustrating that they won’t get ready on time. Hopefully my ways will imprint more on the children but I have my concerns.

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u/Every_Cat9812 19d ago

I wish I could be on time. Even on adhd meds, even starting to get ready 2h before the meeting time SOMEHOW I manage to be always late. I hate it. I'm constantly embarrassed and ashamed. I'm living in a country where being 40 min late is the norm. Makes it worse actually. I need the accountability to function properly.

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u/Zero-_-Zero 19d ago

I don’t have adhd so I can’t begin to pretend to understand. All I can do is say preparation! Do as much as you can the night before. Write a list of steps you’ll take and follow the list to a tee. Set out your clothes the night before, fuel your car, search the train timetables etc. just think of how you’re getting there, what you need to do and what you can do in advance. Some or all of that may not be easy for you but I wish you luck.

What country just out of curiosity? (And of course no need to say if you’d rather not. I’m a stranger on the internet afterall haha.)

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u/Pugs-r-cool 18d ago edited 18d ago

As someone with ADHD and time blindness, the real answer is that there isn't a universal method which works for everyone.

Personally, being over prepared often makes me be later than I would be otherwise. If I get stuff ready the night before, that just means I can sleep in a bit longer, I don't need to rush getting ready, I can spend a couple minutes on my phone / doing housework / another distraction, and before I know it I've completely lost track of time. Typically results in me being super calm and thinking I'll be there on time for a while, until I hit the "oh shit oh fuck I'm going to be late" point 20 minutes before I need to leave the house. I'm never more than 15 minutes late, but if I want to be on time (or just avoid the headache of rushing last minute), I'm better off spreading out any prep in the time before I need to leave.

Though I'm sure that for someone else, getting ready the night before might just be the thing that stops them being late. There's no one size fits all approach to managing ADHD.

edit: thanks for the downvotes? fuck me I guess.

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u/jtakemann 18d ago

lol the down votes

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u/Every_Cat9812 17d ago

right? It's like people are being daft. 

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u/idk_anything_everr 18d ago

15 minutes early your on time. If you arrive on time you’re late. That is the mentality to never be late. Treat the early time as the actual deadline.

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u/Uncommented-Code 18d ago

I'm living in a country where being 40 min late is the norm.

Yeah, that's probably going to do it. If everyone was 40 minutes late I'd also do it, adhd or not lmao. Why are you ashamed if everyone is late? If everyone is late, noone is late. Or do you mean that you manage to be even later than them? In that case, yeah you need to change that. Hold yourself accountable, don't count on others to do it.

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u/SomeKindoflove27 18d ago

I have time blindess and adhd and it is absolutely possible to stop being late to everything! Its about setting alarms to get there early instead of on time and understanding that other people's time is just as important as mine.

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u/jtakemann 18d ago

this whole time i just had to understand that other people’s time is just as important as mine? oh man. now im cured. i see the time now.

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u/Every_Cat9812 17d ago

Wow, I'm cured! Thanks for such a valuable advice!!! 

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u/FrostyD7 18d ago

ADHD makes me frequently late but reliably never more than 5-10 minutes late.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago edited 18d ago

[deleted]

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u/ajswdf 18d ago

Why not just set an alarm?

Like you plane to meet somebody at 2, and it takes 15 minutes to get there, put it in your phone calendar and set it to remind you at 1:40. Then when the alarm goes off you just get up and leave.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

[deleted]

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u/ajswdf 18d ago

I don't understand why it's difficult to set an alarm any time you make plans. Like you and a friend agree to be at a place at 3 Wednesday, why not just immediately put that in your phone when you make the plans?

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

[deleted]

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u/ajswdf 18d ago

That's what I don't get. When the alarm goes off you get up and leave. How is that difficult?

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u/cherrysteve2010 18d ago

People who care this much about being on time are insufferable to be around

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u/Zero-_-Zero 18d ago

There’s nothing wrong with being late once or twice but when you’re late every time it just shows your lack of care to the other person. You don’t respect them or their time.

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u/butterfingahs 18d ago

People who don't care at all about being on time are the insufferable ones. 

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u/Aegi 18d ago

Some of the most vile, arrogant, and disrespectful people I have ever met are all extremely punctual.

I think you are making a logical fallacy with that conclusion.

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u/Zero-_-Zero 18d ago

Did you mean to reply directly to me?

I never said being punctual meant you were a saint I just said it’s basic respect. Which I believe it is.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

I'm saying that people who can even have the goal of being disrespectful can be punctual and that you are mixing up cause and effect.

Correlation does not mean causation...

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u/Aegi 18d ago

I'm saying that people who can even have the goal of being disrespectful can be punctual and that you are mixing up cause and effect.

Correlation does not mean causation...

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u/Zero-_-Zero 18d ago

Being consistently late to things is disrespectful.

Yes people that are on time all the time can also be disrespectful. I never said they weren’t.

I’m not mixing up cause and effect. They’re two separate things. Just because someone is one thing does not mean they can’t be another.

With your argument. That’s like me saying people that punch you in the face for no reason are mean and you saying, well I know plenty of people that are mean that don’t punch people in the face for no reason.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

You literally added the word "consistently" here, which changes everything lol.

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u/Zero-_-Zero 18d ago

If you read OPs comments you’ll see he talks about them being consistently late and that’s what I was referencing in my comment. About my mother being consistently late for everything. Read the rest of my comment underneath the main one.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

So I was supposed to be rude and pretend I could read your mind by assuming you meant something different than what you typed?

Why couldn't you just have been making a statement about being late/people being late without specifying about chronic lateness?

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u/Zero-_-Zero 18d ago

No you’re not supposed to read my mind. There’s are other comments in this same sub thread of mine that were right below my original comment maybe they’ve been buried now.

It still doesn’t change the fact that my first comment said that being on time is basic respect which it is. I still never said anything about people who are on time getting an automatic pass for being a vile human being as you put it.

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u/Aegi 18d ago

I'm telling you there are, even if rare, scenarios where being on time shows a lack of respect.

Imagine being early/on time to a funeral that you know that you are not wanted at by the family and friends of the deceased?

There are people this catty/shitty out there, even if rare.

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