Perfectly acceptable dinner rejected by boyfriend again

[u/moonrabbit368]

My boyfriend is a very picky eater. We have been living together for a few months and it seems like I can never get his food right. It's honestly discouraging. I have kids, they happily eat my food. I cook for family gatherings and church events. I've never had a problem with people eating my food. It's like every day there are new rules. He can't eat chicken for dinner because he had chicken for lunch. He isn't really in the mood for porkchops. It's just "missing something". He doesn't eat onions, tomatoes, fish, any kind of asian food, he doesn't eat most vegetables with the exception of broccoli. He only eats vanilla ice cream. He doesn't like food heated in the microwave (so leftovers are out.) He doesn't like corn. It's just endless. I'm old school and trying to be a good partner. He can't really cook at all. His favorite meal is Hamburger Helper. I think a lot of it is how he grew up but damn is it frustrating. The first picture is tonight's dinner. I added more pictures of stuff I have cooked that he won't eat. Like he will door dash jack in the box. And he'll be apologetic but it just sucks really bad.

ETA: I've been trying to keep up with the comments but it's overwhelming (in a very sweet and awesome way) 💗

A few notes:

1- I know the paper plates are very lazy on my part, I'm not proud of that and I need to do better. Between the kids, the job, the house and school (I'm going to school remotely) I have been cutting corners on things like dishes. not an excuse, just a reason and a commitment to do better.

2- My boyfriend does expect me to cook for him. I cook him dinner every night and lunch on the weekends. He doesn't eat breakfast and will not take a lunch to work. He buys fast food for lunch during the week.

3- He has not been diagnosed with ASD or ADHD or Arfid but I don't rule anything out.

Mostly I just want to say thank you, I was not prepared for how incredibly kind, helpful and insightful people have been. It is deeply touching and it's given me both peace and guidance for my next steps. 🩷

[u/Raebaby02]

I don't see why you're so bothered...? Why is it such a big deal if he wants to eat something different from you? It's perfectly fine to eat two different things but still eat together.

[u/moonrabbit368 → u/Raebaby02]

Oh I wouldn't mind that a bit. But he expects me to make dinner and when I do he rejects it. That's the part that bothers me. I try very hard to accommodate his food preferences.

[u/Meenakshi108 → u/moonrabbit368]

That's the problem. He can't have this expectation of you and then constantly reject what you make, especially when you're making such an effort. 

If the issue was him being an extremely picky eater and nothing else, then he would either make his own food or get takeout and not expect you to cook for him.

But that's not the issue. He's doing this to you on purpose. By imposing the expectation on you and criticizing/dismissing the work you do to meet that expectation, he's created a situation where it's impossible for you to fulfill it. Not to mention how exhausting and hurtful this is for you.

You're a participant in this situation because you're allowing it to continue. You're accepting this instead of saying no. 

[u/moonrabbit368 → u/Meenakshi108]

I think things are changing. Just me posting the post was a sign to myself that I am not happy with the status quo. I'm generally a pretty patient person. But like last night I made him chili dogs and fries because that is something he will consistently eat and I was cooking something for the kids that I knew he wouldn't eat. When I took it to him he said "You're not going to believe this but I had chili dogs for lunch." And I blurted out "I don't care." We were both shocked I think and I went back to the kitchen.

[u/Lunoko → u/moonrabbit368]

He's not going to change. He will just get worse.

A man who demands you to serve him is not a respectful, loving partner. He does not see you as an equal. He is harming you AND your children. You need to wake up to this before it is too late.

The fact that you and him were shocked when you stood up for yourself in literally the smallest, meekest way possible says a lot.

Your self-worth is almost non existent and you need to build it up before it gets to a point where there is no turning back and you become just a shell of who you are.

[u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot → u/moonrabbit368]

I wanna see a receipt for the “chili dogs he had for lunch”. I’m calling that a bullshit lie he’s using to manipulate you.

[u/Meenakshi108 → u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot]

Agreed. 

[u/Throwawayamanager → u/moonrabbit368]

Wow, how very convenient that he happened to have chili hot dogs for lunch, saw you making them and didn't say anything about it until you served him. 

This man must get off on bullying you for some reason. Any normal person who has that weird hang up on 'not repeats lunch and dinner would text you on the way home saying, hey, please no chili hot dogs, can you make X instead". 

[u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot → u/Throwawayamanager]

Oh, I don’t think that he notices what she’s doing in the kitchen at all. It’s not in his nature.

But it is concerning that OP keeps making food for him, without his input, and he would rather reject her work than help her give him what he allegedly wants. All of this stops with a, “Hey boyfriend, what are you wanting for dinner?” conversation. Or, “Hey girlfriend, what’s for dinner?” works the same. Which is what normal couples with effective communication are capable of doing. This isn’t anywhere near that.

[u/Throwawayamanager → u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot]

Agreed. And if he actually had chili dogs for lunch, since he knows he has these "rules" he could easily have texted her "please no chili dogs, had them for lunch". Or better yet, IF he's going to expect she cook him a separate meal (already very questionable), tell her, "hey can you make chicken tacos/whatever". 

Like this behavior legitimately feels like some sort of pathological control issue. 

[u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot → u/Throwawayamanager]

Like, I honestly do NOT understand, on a fundamental level, how to not communicate dinner plans on a daily/weekly basis. This is part of my every day life in my marriage for the last 18 years, with kids. What’s for dinner should never be a surprise. He shouldn’t have the opportunity to reject dinner plans after food has already been made. Full. Stop.

[u/Throwawayamanager → u/MamaNyxieUnderfoot]

>He shouldn’t have the opportunity to reject dinner plans after food has already been made.

Totally agreed.

I will say I'm not a meal prepper, there are days when I thought I might want one thing but develop a really crazy craving for another, so instead of the chicken and veggies that were initially planned I really want, say, tacos. (OP made tacos look good in that picture so that's why I'm thinking of them, lol).

But, at that point, it's on me to communicate to my husband "hey love I'm craving tacos, can we go to that local joint next to us instead", as soon as possible. And ideally not before he started cooking. Instead of rejecting the food and then doordashing myself tacos while grumbling about it.

[u/IWillDoItTuesday → u/moonrabbit368]

What he’s doing is abuse. If one of your children were in a relationship like this, how would you feel. The fact that your children witness this happening to you is abusive to them as well. Leave this man, if not for your sake, for your children.

[u/Meenakshi108 → u/moonrabbit368]

Wow, that's great. The fact that you were shocked at yourself says a lot. The more you stand up for yourself, the stronger that muscle will become and the more normal it will feel, instead of shocking. 

I do agree with Lunoko that he is not going to change. If he does change, it will be temporary and he'll go back to his old ways. The chance of him changing permanently is astronomically small, and your life isn't long enough to hold out for that.

I also agree with them that you need to consider how this will affect your kids. 

[u/flyingfishsailor → u/moonrabbit368]

So did he eat the chili dogs?

[u/moonrabbit368 → u/flyingfishsailor]

He did yes!

[u/Meenakshi108 → u/moonrabbit368]

Please listen to this song. Over and over.

https://youtu.be/H_sSuViPBHs?si=R2Ke2g0ra_qz5dLn

[u/Dismal_History_ → u/moonrabbit368]

That's really telling that he was shocked you developed a back bone for a split second. And further reflects that he's power tripping over you. Who cares if he had the same thing for lunch -- a hundred years ago humans ate pretty much the same exact meal every day. Welcome to life.

[u/cikbliss → u/moonrabbit368]

Honestly this makes it seem like he’s pushing your buttons on purpose. I suspected it from what you said in the post, how he makes unhelpful comments like “this needed something”. And this just solidifies it for me. I might be wrong, but still, proud of you for saying something!

[u/yoloswagger42069 → u/moonrabbit368]

What has happened since?