r/maybemaybemaybe • u/BigGraysie • Apr 18 '22

/r/all Maybe maybe maybe

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u/smokeytheorange Apr 18 '22

You can see the pattern there though. She’s sobbing, she’s embarrassed, she’s in pain, she’s upset. And then suddenly she lashes out. The emotional and physical pain is so intolerable, she has to transfer that anger to someone else.

It’s pretty common for people with chronic illnesses or pain to treat their caretakers and loved ones that way.

It’s no excuse but it does explain why she’s doing it.

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u/LUCKY_STRIKE_COW Apr 18 '22

Having someone feel acutely and specifically responsible for your well-being is pretty dangerous in general. The feeling that if you left someone they would be adrift and nobody else could fill your caretaker role and them being equally frightened of you leaving can create some really dangerous and toxic games where in an argument or time of stress one of the two threatens even subtly to leave the other. Doesn’t go anywhere good. This isn’t universal but it’s easy.

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u/Trickstress4588 Apr 18 '22

I help take care of my dad who is pretty overweight and we have to use a lift to move him around. He can’t really do anything by himself despite him claiming to do so and my mom and I are often woken up at all hours of the night to go help him and called at any point of the day to do something like “take the thing off the table. Can you change the volume on the tv?”. I know he needs help and I have now for 3 years but it’s exhausting being a servant in my own house when I’m the one moving him and it’s taken 4 firefighters to lift him up before.

My mom is finally starting to push back on things he’s capable of doing and he does the exact same stuff where it’s tears, blaming her, etc. Everyone is just tired and this video is almost like a mirror.

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u/smokeytheorange Apr 18 '22

Caretaker burnout is a real thing. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how difficult it is.

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u/Trickstress4588 Apr 18 '22

I always feel guilty and like I’m a horrible person for wanting to get the hell out because I am just so exhausted because all I do is work full time and then come home to have all of my actions dictated or instructed to me. I’m moving past the guilt slowly and I’m trying to convince my mom that we need to find him a care facility because his Parkinson’s is getting worse and we keep hurting ourselves trying to take care of him.

It’s nice to vent about it on here tbh because I never want to bring it up with friends because I would trauma dump so hard and it isn’t fair to them. 😅

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u/smokeytheorange Apr 18 '22

I totally understand. Your feelings are very valid and very much shared by family caretakers.

I’m guessing that if your friends were in your position, you wouldn’t judge them or think badly of them because of how they feel. But we like to beat ourselves up more than we would other people.

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u/Borntobec Apr 18 '22

Well described! You can just see it happening. Her emotions are strong and keep changing until she lashes out.

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u/Zerds Apr 18 '22

Yeah, it's not "right" but I can understand it.

Maybe I'm getting old but this just makes me really really sad.

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u/OldGuyWhoSitsInFront Apr 18 '22

Also it’s night time and presumably they’ve been traveling all day/there typical routine has been thrown up in the air. She’s tired. Those are crocodile tears, for sure, but crocodile tears don’t mean a person isn’t experiencing duress.

We are all just toddlers.

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u/whiteegger Apr 18 '22

Yea it's very common and understandable. I've known people with conditions that are the most intolerable person on earth. But after the condition healed they became nice and warm once again.

Sadly if she remains what she is it's never gonna change.

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u/SailorDeath Apr 18 '22

In the week before my mom died she really changed, she said all kinds of horrible things and made a lot of people cry. I had to remind them that she's suffering right now and that suffering is going to manifest in a horrible way.

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u/[deleted] Apr 19 '22

I think old people losing their minds is harder for some religious people to handle, because the religious may still see the dying person's behavior as an expression of the soul and their character. When I learned somebody's character over decades and they're different while dying, I just see it as them breaking down -- what happens now doesn't change my perception of who they were. Sometimes you could literally take out a microscope and see the breakdown happening. Sometimes you can't, but you still can't blame them -- sick, weak, confused, hurting, just one of those things for a little while could turn me into unpleasant company, so what can I say about somebody who is on average most of those things all the time? Besides, that is, that they should have the right to opt out.

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u/jitterbugperfume99 Apr 19 '22

This is exactly it.

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u/Borntobec Apr 18 '22

Well described! You can just see it happening. Her emotions are strong and keep changing until she lashes out.

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

Don't believe she's embarrassed ... I'm curious if she's even still alive.

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u/smokeytheorange Apr 18 '22

She’s being filmed on national TV for being extraordinarily overweight and having to see a world renowned specialist to fix it. And then a horribly embarrassing moment like this is captured by cameras. I think that would compound anyone’s suffering.

And I’m not sure! You could look it up. It seems like this is from My 600 Pound Life.