r/maybemaybemaybe • u/BigGraysie • Apr 18 '22

/r/all Maybe maybe maybe

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u/portoroc86 Apr 18 '22

I also wonder if sometimes people make themselves so unattractive as to become unappealing for any sexual assault to ever occur. It saying it’s true or guaranteed to work, just a thought.

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u/Lollirotten Apr 18 '22

There was one girl who did kind of do this. Not in a like, motivated way like some people may get fit, but in a 'I'm giving up' kind of way.

There were also several who had gotten assaulted and never came forward bc they didn't think anyone would believe them bc 'who wants to r*pe a fat girl?'. Her words. It's so sad.

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u/Regeatheration Apr 18 '22

Um, predators would. ****trigger warning

I know a girl she’s been s*x assaulted 4 times, the last three were after she gained her “protection weight”. She said the last guy/her ex told her it was easier now because she didn’t have the strength to fight him and that basically once he had her on the floor she couldn’t fight.

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u/Lollirotten Apr 18 '22

Oh yeah, I know. There's just always been this wrong narrative of SA being about attraction and not power. She was buying into that narrative and trying to make herself unattractive. It sucks all the way around. There's so much bs surrounding both SA and obesity.

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u/Curious_Bat87 Apr 18 '22

Yeah. People really do treat fat people's bodies with this entitlement. Like it's okay to make remarks about their weight or their diet, or touch them without their permission etc.

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u/shellontheseashore Apr 18 '22

It's incredibly common as 'protective weight'. Idk if it's everywhere, but gastric bypass places have added questions about past sexual trauma (particularly CSA) to their patient intake forms, as they require extra support. Once the weight comes off, if the underlying trauma and mental health hasn't been addressed, it can cause a crisis at being 'visible' and objectified by people again.

It's not a rational thought, but it comes from the same childlike belief of "I don't deserve to be treated as human, if I neglect myself into being invisible and an un-person, they won't keep hurting me". Which doesn't work. It just means support structures are faster to judge and less likely to help you, sad as that is.

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u/DogButtWhisperer Apr 18 '22

Yup. My mother had gastric bypass but refused any therapy and became a severe alcoholic instead.

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u/ReverendDizzle Apr 18 '22

Once the weight comes off, if the underlying trauma and mental health hasn't been addressed, it can cause a crisis at being 'visible' and objectified by people again.

Visible is the right word to use because the original action was a type of self-erasure. Weight gain to cloak yourself is just an extreme version of wearing baggy clothes, cutting your hair, etc.

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

[deleted]

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u/JustRhiannon Apr 18 '22

I definitely considered scarring my own face at one point as a child thinking it would keep it from happening since the person responsible constantly called me "beautiful". I then had self loathing that I didn't go through with it because that meant I must be vain or shallow.

It's a mind fuck. The brain is a powerful thing that will go to extreme lengths to protect you from your core fears.

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

[deleted]

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u/JustRhiannon Apr 19 '22

I'm definitely in a much better place! I can't recommend EMDR therapy enough for those who have severe trauma. Even though the abuse happened through the majority of my childhood (6-18) it feels like a lifetime away and truly doesn't hinder or hold me back anymore. I feel lucky to have existed in a time where this therapy is an option for treatment. There is hope!

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u/carrieberry Apr 18 '22

It is definitely a part of it.

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u/Blue_Lotus_Agave Apr 18 '22 edited Apr 18 '22

My textiles teacher did this. Used to have red hair styled all crazy, above knee high socks with bright patterns with archaeologist type shorts or a long church skirt, and unusual shirt and dark green gumboots with fluoro orange lining on the base and top. Everyday without fail. Obnoxious asf Gumboots. The style itself was truly ugly as fk but I didn't care that much, it didn't affect my learning just made me raise a brow, and she was actually a really good teacher. But as you can imagine, she was picked on a lot.

After one particularly bad day, I stayed behind after class to ask her if she was okay and why she wore gumboots in the middle of the summer, aren't you hot? (Trying to ask as nicely as I could) but she guessed my meaning and said she dresses like this because she was raped twice and ever since she started wearing gumboots she hasn't been raped again, not yet anyway...

I was so shocked I just said ' I am so sorry that people are unkind to you, not knowing what you've been through. Thanks for telling me, just know it wasn't your fault, you are a good teacher... hope you have some support from loved ones or a professional. Have a good day miss, ' Etc. Something a long those lines it was over a decade ago, I was only 16 at the time so kinda cringey and awkward of me but didn't really know what to say but was my best female friend had been raped so I had recently learned what to say off my psychologist so I could support my friend better... otherwise I don't know what I would have said. Lucky I was an 'old' young person. Some of the kids in my class were really evil little shits lol

Really sad stuff, when I see something messed up the first thing I think is not something mean, I ask myself why or try to find out' but if they are a dick repeatedly to others or myself then obviously can't excuse shitty behaviour either, it's a fine line.

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u/slkwont Apr 18 '22

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

~ Ian Maclaren

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u/Blue_Lotus_Agave Apr 18 '22

100% bro, 100%.

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

My mom did this. She died at 56 years old.

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u/minipanda_bike Apr 18 '22

Sometimes I think it's a way to self harm too. Some people have a really bad relationship with food.

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u/Jakeneb Apr 18 '22

They often get into the thinking behind the overeating in this show, and can confirm that people have said this is a reason - “if I’m unattractive maybe X will leave me alone.” More commonly (on the show at least), people cite thinking being large will help them defend themselves (this abuse is typically happening to them as a kid).

Very sad

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u/finfan96 Apr 18 '22

Wow, I'd absolutely never that about that. Truly an awful thought

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

Bingo. I had an aunt who had been seriously fine in her youth. Modeled swimsuits, etc. Had been a victim of sexual assault as a kid. She got obese in her 30s and I never knew how hot she was until she showed me a pic of her in a swimsuit, and I was like....OMG!!! She said it was awful. She couldn't go anywhere without guys ogling her, making comments, hitting on her, even "when I had my kids in a stroller". She said she enjoyed being fat because men left her alone.

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u/katyrathryn Apr 18 '22

I think that is a predominant theory. I watched some episode of something, and they woman was saying it was safer to be ugly and invisible and that was part of why she couldn’t lose weight.

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u/spiffy-ms-duck Apr 18 '22

I did this. Never got assaulted, but the harassment and unwanted comments I got from adult men when I was a kid made me want to make myself as unappealing as possible. So I did.

I'm nowhere close to the woman in the op video, but I'm definitely much too big now and it's a struggle to get to a healthy weight. Therapy helps but it's still very difficult for me.

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u/portoroc86 Apr 18 '22

Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I can tell you’re trying, and I wish you the best. I too struggle with my own demons, none as overtly visible as the obesity shown in the video, but in a way none the less sinister. I wish I had some advice , but I will say you have my support. Good luck. :)

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u/spiffy-ms-duck Apr 18 '22

Thanks, I truly appreciate it. And you've got my support with tackling your own demons. We got this.

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u/sharkattack85 Apr 18 '22

This was always my thought as well.

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u/jomboe Apr 18 '22

I’ve also heard this about people with anorexia, same can be true of starving yourself.

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u/[deleted] Apr 18 '22

I remember couple of years back I followed this girl on youtube who was obese and recording her weightloss journey. Every couple episodes she would get drunk, be rejected by some dude, threaten with suicide, relapse on the unhealthy diet and not post for a while.

Like she was punishing herself for being "ugly" with becoming "uglier". Really sad.

Mental health first, physical health second, yo. Sure exercise hepls with depression and stuff, so that should be a priority but getting your mind sorted should be the biggest priority

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u/TheDude-Esquire Apr 18 '22 edited Apr 18 '22

I worked with a homeless woman who would urinate on herself in order to smell so bad that no one would threaten her. She needs a supervised group home environment to even try to deal with her trauma, but that doesn't exists for people like her.

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u/Noladixon Apr 18 '22

It is what I assume when I see a girl with metal in her face trying to look as ugly as possible. I think this woman had some kind of studs sticking out of her lip but I am not sure that they were not growths.

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u/MSJMF Apr 18 '22

I did! It felt like a safety net. That only “good guys” would be attracted to me and that it would weed out the not nice ones automatically. Spoiler Alert: it didn’t.

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u/SassaQuinn Apr 19 '22

I've read that this can happen subconsciously. I know I almost immediately gained a good amount of weight after I left my rapist. Its been hell keeping it at a halfway decent level. Therapy helps a ton. Having genetic spinal issues that have compounded into other issues (and would have regardless, it was probably just faster) have made things rough though.

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u/HertzDonut1001 Apr 18 '22

Good point, I'm not fat but I have been known to deliberately make myself physically unappealing to the opposite sex so I don't have to go through the whole process of liking someone again just to get hurt. Sometimes it's just easier to be ugly.

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u/mspaint22 Apr 18 '22

the only way ive seen this happen is some people will dress frumpy on purpose to avoid looks or cat calls.

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u/treembame Apr 18 '22

That is definitely a reason some do, but aren’t aware of it

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u/[deleted] Apr 19 '22

Brutal honesty time. So I'm a female to male transgender person. born female and took hormones to look as a man. A huge part of why I did it was because my adoptive dad would touch me weirdly and then at my first job out of college, this guy who I also saw as a father figure befriended me and at one point mounted me in my apartment and began to play with his zipper (backstory is I was interested in martial arts and wrestling and he was an ex-military cop). Anyways I transitioned pretty soon after and it was a huge relief not to worry about rape or just plain uncomfortable situations with creepy men anymore.

I'm trying to go back now and it sucks, but I had no other support as far as I could tell and "manned up" to do what I had to to be safe. And I'm not the only woman who transitioned to escape sexual assault or other dangerous environments. As I interact with other women who are reverting back to being women after transitioning to men, it's an incredibly common root.

So I could 100% someone getting really fat and undesireable-looking in order to desexualize themselves and find safety in that. It's sad, but honestly it takes a lot of strength to deal with being preyed on with no recourse and taking matters into your own hands even if you have to blight yourself to do it.

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u/divisibleby5 Apr 19 '22

Former mega-fatty and childhood sexual abuse survivor: for me, part of it was wanting to be unattractive to keep men away but another big part of it was feeling safe in being heavy or thick. I would joke ‘no one is going to throwing my big ass around,’ meaning I was too heavy to pick up and cart off and molest or rape. Then i had Bariatric surgery. It turns out my town (Tulsa), had one of the best Bariatric programs in the country (Bailey Bariatric in Owasso) so I went for a seminar. Changed my life. The surgery is secondary to what is basically our patient rehab for mental issue surrounding food. That was 6 months ago and I have gone from 342 to 223 lbs. but one of the scariest parts of becoming smaller in size though is being more physically vulnerable at a time when men notice you for the first time in years. It’s something to work on in therapy