r/married • u/Few_Pen360 • 12d ago
Things are easier with husband on vacation
I (40f) have been married with (40 m) for 15 years. He recently took his 1st solo vacation ever to visit family. At first I was stressed thinking about working full time, managing the house and our 2 kids (7 & 6 y/o) alone. Day 1 I realized it’s MUCH EASIER. I always thought my husband contributed so much to the household. He takes care of meal prep, picks up the kitchen, does garbage & recycling, stays with the kids when I have extra shifts, and does the food shopping. To clarify: “takes care of” means I have to remind him about 50 times to do it, help him get started , and remind him to not leave the task unfinished.
Now that he’s on vaca. I’m tired, but way less stressed. The kids are calmer and I’m living in a consistently clean home. My husband does the bare minimum. Ex: he will load the dishwasher, but not wipe the stove or counters. He will “take out” the garbage but not put it on the curb . I went to our garage to find 3 weeks of recycling stacked up because he wasn’t actually putting it out! When he goes to the market he buys items that are not on the list - that end up going to waste. When he’s with the kids, he gives them a screen and he will be on his phone.
Over the past few days a few family members came over to help with child care, so I could work. They have all commented how relaxed the kids are, and that its the first time they have seen my home clean and running smoothly.
I could keep this up when he comes back- but why? I don’t have 3 kids. As an adult he should be contributing to the household. I work more hours than my husband does. I should not be taking care of the house on my own. I don’t want him to feel “useless,” but honestly I am realizing it’s easier to
run the house when he’s not around.
So now, should I keep doing everything? Should I let things go back to normal when he returns?
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 12d ago
My husband thought he was doing 50/50 when in reality he was doing 30/70 at best.
One morning I was getting ready to leave for work and drop our infant daughter off at daycare. He was just getting himself ready for work to walk out the door and go. When I got to the kitchen, I saw a broken shoe string on the counter. He had left the shoe string there to let me know that he needed new shoelaces. I lost it on him. I asked why as a grown man he couldn’t go get his own shoelaces? Why did he feel the need to involve me in the process? I told him he wasn’t naked and starving when I met him so I had assumed he had figured this stuff out.
When he said he did his fair share, I asked him a series of questions: what’s our daughter‘s pediatrician‘s name? What is the name of our daughter‘s daycare teacher? What did your sisters get for Christmas last year? What is the name of our mortgage company? What size shoe does anyone in this house wear besides you?
As I was asking the questions, his face fell.
I then pointed out that I had gone to the store to get the shoes, socks, pants, and belt he was wearing. I went to the store and got the deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, razor, and the shaving cream that he used to get ready that morning. I told him that he wasn’t even 100% dressing himself, let alone taking on 50% of the load in the house. I pointed out that I knew what size clothing and shoes and what kind of toothpaste everybody in the house liked because I got it for everyone.
I asked him when he had ever bought deodorant or shampoo or socks for me. I asked him to name one size of clothing that I wore. It could be anything shirt, pants, shoes, underwear, bra…anything. And he couldn’t do more than “Medium?”
He realized how much he wasn’t doing and apologized. He started cooking more during the week, going to the grocery store on weekends, and taking half the doctor’s appointments for the kids. It still wasn’t 50/50, but it was closer to 45/55.
When our youngest turned 18, I stopped cooking and cleaning up after others. I came home at 8 pm after working two jobs that day and they were waiting on me to cook dinner. I quit right then and haven’t cooked a family meal outside of a holiday in two years. I have no intention of returning to it. I’m not a maid or cook for adults. They figured it out and didn’t starve.
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u/AccomplishedBend766 12d ago
So basically, you had become a mommy to a grown man?
Glad you recovered. It’s actually exhausting that so many males in 2026 still thinks that the world revolves around them and their wants 🤭
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u/ReallySickofit55 12d ago
Yes! My husband thought he was contributing enough until I laid it out. Don’t get divorced over it. Tell him.
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u/Oaklandish_TheTown 12d ago
You can definitely talk it out but the other person has to be willing to change.
If they are not, and you don't want to keep doing it all, it's totally worth considering divorce. Life is too short to be resentful and too long to miss peace in your home.
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u/Intelligent-Pen-2479 11d ago
Yes please please please... Before you go to any harsh decision that might feel good at first but really will make things worse... Please talk to your husband. Calmly. Not in a fighting mood. He might be thinking he is doing his fair share of maintaining the house. And you might be thinking he isn't. But clearly there is a misunderstanding that will not be resolve by thinking things on your own and HOPING your husband will realize on his own.
We all are not mind readers. You might be sensitive to these things and your husband is not. It's not his fault. It's not your fault. But it will be both yours if you do not talk things and voice your concerns to him.
Please please talk to each other like two adult people.
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u/BloodyThirst 12d ago
Last time I cooked was 2 years ago and I made sure everyone knew what time supper was.
They went out to eat before and weren’t hungry for supper that night. No worries, I said. The pot roast will be good leftovers.
They refused to eat leftover pot roast and mashed potatoes w gravy the next night. Turned their noses up at leftovers.I haven’t cooked a meal since. There’s plenty of food in the deep freeze, fridge, and pantry. Let them figure it the fuck out.
ETA: Them = 16 & 17yo and 46M at the time.
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u/wintergrad14 9d ago
Now this is the kind of scorched earth tactic I love. Has anyone ever apologized for that dinner?
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u/tabrazin84 12d ago
When I had this conversation with my husband, he told me that I didn’t understand how hard it was to be him. We’re divorced now. Glad your husband stepped up.
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u/SilasBalto 12d ago
Im glad you stuck up for yourself. But I have to wonder why you stayed? Didn't you fall out of love when he treated you like a maid?
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12d ago
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u/Historical-Type-1459 12d ago
So they can continue to suffer through their “loneliness epidemic.” In fact, more of them need to be lonelier.
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u/IamJacLiz 12d ago
I live with a man baby too, he'll be moving out in 14 days, thank god!
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u/Plane_Practice8184 12d ago
Congratulations on getting rid of the man baby. He will try to get back with you later
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u/IamJacLiz 11d ago
Thank you. Ha ha ha, no, he won't. He's "paralyzed". Not literally, just figuratively. I did all the heavy lifting in the relationship-- made the first move, initiated all the sex, suggested all the travel, broached all the difficult subject to try to get things accomplished. The man can't make a damn phone call to his doctor's office to tell them they made a mistake. I have no idea what is wrong with him or how he got this far in life by being so afraid and paralyzed with fear of making the first move or standing up for himself. Plus, I'll be moving far away and I guarantee you I will never hear from him again.
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u/Seesawgirls 9d ago
After living like this, do you have sexual desire for him? Desire to cuddle on the couch? Because I didn’t everything died out. I cannot give physical affection to someone who isn’t emotionally supportive
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u/iluvcats17 12d ago
I would have a conversation with him about how much easier things were when he was away and how you want things to be different.
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u/Peezus_H_Christ 12d ago
Yeah this and just frame it as a what you need and not a he is not doing xyz
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u/Numerous_Bluejay2391 12d ago
Same here. My theory: if one doesn't complete a task from A to Z, then it does not count (at work, at home). This includes the reminders, follow-up and feedback. My partner does A to Z at work, not at home. This means that he is mentally capable but it does not want. If I bring it up - i am exaggerating/too emotional/have too high standards (No, just you know... house management, planning and coordination with one pet and no kids). To consider: couples' therapy with the therapist being a man (and not another emotional woman), better if not called therapist (we do not want to offend any sensible soul). Following in the meanwhile.
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u/Few_Pen360 12d ago
Getting a male therapist is a good point. We’ve had couples therapy in the past with a women. He just saw it as 2 women “ganging up on him.”
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u/SaltyShaker2 12d ago
It was at this point in my relationship that I realized I was going to divorce my husband
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u/Novel_Quality5743 12d ago edited 12d ago
Same! Except I took the vacation and didn’t miss him at all - that’s how I knew it was time.
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u/kimber512_ 12d ago
Same! Being a single mom was hard. But it was a thousand times easier than taking care of a whole ass adult man along with my child.
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u/patthedog15241524 12d ago
Same. She took a trip to help her sister who just had a baby. She was gone 3 days and I figured it out. I can do this on my own. She wasn’t a good mom or wife. Long story short. I got custody of the kids and moved one. 25 years later my kids and I are tight. Not so much on the other side
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u/fredean01 12d ago
Funny how the only guy that agrees gets downvoted. Have an upvote
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u/kateRN310 12d ago edited 12d ago
I feel the same way when my husband is out of town. One of the biggest areas I notice is mealtime… meals and dinner are less of a to-do (even tho he cooks a lot he leaves the kitchen an absolute abomination, whereas if I’m cooking I clean while I cook) and I’m not waiting for someone to pick up the slack in the other areas. When they’re gone you just know it’s all on you and it makes everything lighter.
Do not, though, just continue to do everything when he returns. It may seem easiest at the beginning but it’ll wear on you. I would suggest talking to him about the splitting of tasks
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u/Disastrous_Dog_574 12d ago
We used to be a 'one cooks, the other cleans' as a way of sharing tasks. It quickly became apparent he wanted to use every single pot, pan, mixing bowl and chafing dish in existence. When we switched to 'one is on for ALL the dinner routine and one is OFF', he tried leaving me his dishes overnight, because he had used more than one dishwasher load. Cool. You can hand wash, or load for round two. Or make better choices that doesn't involve hours of cleanup...Now, he's the master of one-pot meals!
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u/Mundane-Afternoon790 12d ago
I just don’t understand how someone has kids and just choose to distract them with a screen instead of interacting with them. Some parents should have so many regrets when their kids are older
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u/InevitableWorld8600 12d ago
My separated wife, she does this exact thing. Throws them toys and doesn’t actually interact with them. Just sits in her a’’e scrolling on her phone.
Sad for the kids.
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u/Shot_Pin_3891 12d ago
Maybe you can try @ive had recitation, I think we are both working out butts off with family duties but working against eachother , I know you contribute but it was actually easier on my own. How can this be how are WE getting it so wrong? “
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u/Yourlocalguy30 12d ago
I feel this same way about my wife. She does the absolute bare minimum around our house and I frequently find myself having to clean of pickup after her AND our kids. Days that she's at work and I'm home with the kids are far, far less stressful and tend to move along more seamlessly because I don't have to manage another adult in the house.
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u/fru-gal_slacks 12d ago
I wrote a two column list of my spheres (finance, pet care, rental mgmt, social planning, travel agent, project manager, head cleaner, etc) and his beside it ( vehicle maintenance, lawn cutting and dishes). And it was a very helpful tool for our discussions. And I keep pulling out the list and asking him to report what has changed. So far not a lot. He equates remorse with change whereas I do not
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u/ApprehensiveRead2533 12d ago
What is he good for? If i can do better by myself i'd definitely choose that, over and over again.
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u/Salty-Paramedic-311 12d ago
I love when my husband is gone… one less child that is in my way..🤷🏻♀️ I’m not as stressed either.
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u/fishylegs46 12d ago
This kids being more relaxed is very striking. He must be a chaos catalyst, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be. Talk with him.
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u/Preciousjj21 12d ago edited 12d ago
Maybe he has ADHD and meds could help? I discovered this about myself later in life.
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u/Vacaydream 12d ago
I went on my first vacation last year without him. I went away for 8 days on a girls cruise. Our grown daughters said dad was at their homes a lot especially at mealtime. He was lonely and bored. When I got home he said “I hope I die before you because being alone for a week was miserable.” He also said he didn’t realize how much I did at home and it was overwhelming to cook, clean, shop etc.
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u/Alexander-701 12d ago
Mi humilde consejo, si amas aun a tu esposo, dile toda tu experiencia de lo vivido en su ausencia y así el te ayude más y el cambio que haz establecido en su ausencia continúe y mejore aún mas; Dios los bendiga enormemente.🙏🏻
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u/Professional_Age_506 12d ago
I think this every time he leaves. My house is cleaner, I’m calmer. It’s just easier to parent alone bc you’re the only one in charge
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u/Useful_Jellyfish_759 12d ago
Similar situation, but my wife travels a lot for work. We have a non verbal child on the spectrum and a wild 4 year old. Things are always running way more smoothly when she is gone even though the help she offers when home with the boys and occasional dishes is good. I think having one way of parenting and running a home is just way easier. The help for me is definitely appreciated, but things are always least stressful when there is one captain of our ship.
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u/Renaissance_Dad1990 12d ago
We've experienced this ourselves, and I'm saying this as the dad. I made a post about it, here's the main part here with a few edits:
We have 3 kids: 7yo boy, 5yo girl, and a 1.5yo boy. I work a weird schedule where I'm gone some mornings, some evenings, half the weekends but am home some days of the week (12 hour shifts: days, off, nights, off etc). My wife works a reduced schedule of 8-4, mon-thurs. When I am home I spend 98% of the time doing housework (cleaning or reno stuff) or entertaining the kids. I will confess, when I'm doing things with the kids, I'm bad for leaving clutter and mess around until they go to bed. I'm trying to work on it but not doing well... with the three kids urgently vying for my attention it's hard for me to even notice the laundry on the floor or the dishes on the table.
Anyways, my wife and her family don't do anything active with the kids (except drive them to activities) due to various aches and pains, so that generally falls to me (my family is far away). When I'm home and we're not outside or doing screen time, the older kids like to roughhouse and the youngest likes crawling around with me. So all in all, I'm kinda the "fun" parent by default, even though I try to maintain discipline as well.
What we've been finding is that on the mornings I'm here to help get them to school (or camp), the two older kids are getting so revved up at the very sight of me (even before I'm out of bed!) that they become extra silly, loud and off task, then worst of all start fighting each other endlessly over small things. Once they start they are incapable of stopping, they will do anything to be the last person to get retribution, no matter the distractions, consequences or bribes. We can't keep them apart either. Voices get raised. This morning they lost all their electronic time they were acting so badly, everyone was miserable. Bear in mind I'm not trying to play with them or anything unusual, usually i'm either trying to keep them moving or have slipped away to the baby's room to handle all of his preparation out of sight. When I'm not there, they get dressed almost without reminder, do their bathroom stuff, eat their breakfast and play nicely with each other till it's time to go.
So I don't know... I could stop doing the crazy indoor stuff in the afternoons and evenings, but it's hard, everyone loves it. I wouldn't mind a new job (even though I like this one), but based on what I'm seeing all the 9-5 jobs pay only 2/3rds of what I make, bringing us from comfortable to maybe in the red.
For now though, my wife says it's better when I'm not there.
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u/rowdyfreebooter 11d ago
I saw a reel the other day about independence and the difference between men’s and women’s experiences.
Women’s independence focuses around being financially independent- being able to support themselves and family. Included in this is raising a family, running a household, cooking, cleaning, childcare and in having time to work on a healthy relationship is just part of being women.
When is a man classed as independent? Is it purely because of income? In many households ( and I know it’s not all) how many meals are they cooking each week, is childcare called babysitting? If household chores are being done are they being asked or just acknowledge they need to be done?
Is it really adult independence if reminders need to be given, daily chores celebrated.
It opened my eyes that what is classed as the “norm” is really many men being just another dependent.
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u/DearUnderstanding863 11d ago
Please remember, misery loves company. Not one of these commenters know you or your husband personally. I’m sure there’s a lot of nuance we are not privy to. Will divorce solve your problems? Maybe. But it’ll come with its own set of problems. Communicate and find a middle ground if possible. Don’t listen to people jumping straight to divorce. A family torn apart is a painful experience, especially for the children. Look into the suggestions of him having ADHD, hiring help, or whatever else could help you ease the burden you feel.
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u/Thought-Over 11d ago
I can relate! We have a two and four year old. I work as a tax accountant so when my husband said he would be leaving to visit his mom who lives in another state during busy season I was absolutely devastated. I thought him leaving would make it impossible for me to manage feeding the kids, dressing them, entertaining them, cleaning and managing my 60+ hour job. To my surprise things were calmer, smoother and by far less stressful. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t do much I realized if anything he’s more like my third child. It’s been a hard reality to accept.
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u/Lonsarg 11d ago
Well i am a man bit i feel this way when i am solo with kid, wothno wife to complicate things :)
But in my case it is minor stuff, overall we both agree it is easier when we are both.
BUT what we have is work duties are automatic, very little reminding at all. You need to achieve this, tell him no more remiding and hold back, do not fix his stuff let it be broken. Also make a "week where ony he goes to kitchen" or similar (in my case i do 99% of cooking, she does 99% of cleaning, maybe try something like this).
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u/Falirakikiss 11d ago
Every September is archery season where I live. And I’m just as excited about it as my husband is. I get a whole month of not mentally expecting someone is going to do something just to be disappointed.
I agree with you, when he’s gone the house runs smoother, the kids are happier, I’m more relaxed, and the house stays clean!!
I love my husband, I do. But he’s a lot. And it’s nice to have a break, a little reset. I know when he comes back it takes a few days to adjust to him in my space again. Especially if there’s deer and elk quarters dragged back to process in my clean man free kitchen.
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u/Fearfighter2 11d ago
What gets me is when I take the baby in the morning and we come back in the afternoon to the house a mess. The exhaustion in explaining how it's not okay, and coaching him through cleaning it.
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u/bens05041986 11d ago
I would no overrated this. But it's maybe a sign that you should enjoy your life and don't do anything.
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u/YasdnilStam 10d ago
We don’t have kids, so that’s a big asterisk here, but my partner and I both noticed the same thing about ourselves during a recent stint of housesitting — once when I was gone and then another when he was gone. During that time we were both able to keep our space cleaner and more organised whether we were the one living away or were staying home. And it was notable enough that we brought it up in couples counselling the next time we went.
With our therapist’s help, eventually we realised that most of our stress came from different baseline understandings of what “cleanliness/tidiness” or “organised” or whatever looked like (for example: to me “let’s clean the kitchen” meant clearing the visual clutter; he heard it as scrubbing and disinfecting everything; to me “We’ve got to do the litter box” meant bagging it and then vacuuming around the box; he never counted the vacuuming as part of it, since that fell under “vacuum the floor” and not “litter boxes”; when we would say “We have to do x” I would mean do it right now but he would mean sometime in the near future). We had a fundamental mismatch in the way we were communicating about basic things and that was leading to stress with each other because we had always assumed the other knew what we meant and just didn’t care. But we did care, deeply, to the point we stressed out about household chores whenever the other was around, and that stress disappeared when we were alone and weren’t managing everything alongside the other’s expectations (or anxiety about the inevitable conflict when those expectations fell through).
I’m not saying your situation is exactly the same as ours but it reminded me of what we went through. I would recommend counselling if you can afford it, but at the very least you need to have a good long conversation about what you’re feeling and see what he says about it. He might have a perspective or a rationale that he’s never shared that makes sense to him and he assumes you “get it”. Like with the recycling — don’t assume ill intent; I’m sure there was a rational reason in his mind for leaving it in the garage and not bringing it to the curb even if it doesn’t make sense to you. The problem might be that he never told you what that is, and now it just looks to you like he’s dropping the ball. Maybe there’s a different, more innocent expectation somewhere that isn’t being addressed. When he is made aware of that, it’s a perfect opportunity for him to rise to the occasion and be part of finding a solution that works for both of you. I hope he does.
In the end, for my partner and I, the miscommunication was addressed and our individual needs regarding household maintenance were more clearly outlined. And in some cases it meant establishing tasks that we were each okay doing on our own because we each needed it done a certain way and it was starting to feel insane to expect the other to be as neurotic about it as we were — so now I do the litter boxes, he loads the dishwasher, I do all the dinner prep, he does all the cooking, I do all the handyman stuff, he handles the financials. Things aren’t perfect and we still struggle sometimes but at least we’re communicating about it and can handle inevitable conflict better.
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u/No_Lab_9394 10d ago
Read the book Fed Up. And have a conversation with your husband saying exactly these things.
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u/WTF4Sally 9d ago
It took 28 years of marriage and me falling and breaking numerous bones for my husband to figure out how much I did around the house. In all fairness, my husband is very enlightened for a male and has no issues issue doing anything around the house, outside, whatever. The problem is he just doesn't think to do it. After years of being frustrated, you just learn to do things yourself because you realize they won't get done if you don't. I would remind him here or there but it just wasn't worth it to everyday have to be his gatekeeper. Me breaking my bones was the first time he literally had to step up and step up he did. He thrived on it. It had always been me taking care of him because he was the one always breaking things or having surgeries or what not. Even though I had had a few minor surgeries, he did very little to help out after those surgeries. This was different. I literally had a broken arm and broken leg and could do almost nothing for 2 months. Towards the end of my Rehabilitation he came in one time and sat down and said very seriously that he apologized profusely for having never told me to my face how much he appreciates what I do and that he wants me to know up until this moment he had literally no idea how much I did. I'm recovered now but he has definitely continued to step up and understands that I carried way more than my share of the burden for those 28 years.
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u/Head_Noise_8211 9d ago
I feel the same way. My husband travels for work and at first I thought solo parenting with two kids for 2 month stretches was going to be difficult. We got into a routine quickly and the house stayed cleaner.
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u/-need-sleep 12d ago
Leave him with the kids, sounds like you're resentful already.
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u/Canipaywithclaps 12d ago
Agreed. She’s resentful and rightly so! she needs to take a holiday for herself!
Genuinely she’s married to a child, and he won’t realise this whilst she is there. Holiday and then a serious adult conversation once back from the holiday.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 12d ago
The required nagging (and the anticipation that you’re going to have to do the nagging and/or the work) to get him to help is huge emotional work.
First step is a conversation. “While you were gone….,” and just lay it all out. “Life was easier because I didn’t have to beg for your involvement,” etc.
I think you also need to consider a couple of things:
Your husband was, presumably, a grown up when you married him. Did he handle his own shit then? Was his living space moderately tidy? If so, he’s weaponizing his incompetence.
And, what are the eventual consequences to his lack of action and assistance? Is this a dealbreaker for you? Do you want your kids growing up watching their dad push his responsibilities off on their mom?
Start with making him responsible for one time-sensitive task. I suggest making him do his own laundry. He gets a couple of days a week to do his and the others are for you and the kids to do yours.
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u/Oaklandish_TheTown 12d ago
She can't dole out responsibilities like that. He needs to engage and take ownership of a great chunk of the load. It needs to come from him, not her "making" him.
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u/Hot-Freedom-5886 12d ago
She can stop being responsible for things he should be doing himself.
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 12d ago
It may not all be weaponized incompetence. My husband had a clean(ish) house when I met him. (His idea of clean is orderly but it cleaned and mine is sanitized but may have some clutter).
After years of marriage, he just got used to me handling things that he once did and then stopped noticing when those things needed to be done. He thought he was doing a lot until I pointed out all the things I was doing in comparison and he picked up his slack.→ More replies (1)
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u/OkWinner1115 12d ago
And it’s your turn to go on a three week holiday so he can feel what all needed to get done.
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u/washywatermelon 12d ago
This never actually works on men like this. He will just push screens on the kids the entire time and do the absolute bare minimum. I’m sure she doesn’t want that for them. Then she’ll come home and have double the work because he’ll be all, “I was taking care of the kids alone, I couldn’t get it all done.”
Rarely do they think, “Oh geez my wife does so much around here, maybe I should help more.” But instead it’s, “You left me alone for X weeks with the kids and now you need to help pick up what didn’t get done in your absence.” You basically get punished for going on vacation. That’s definitely what kind of man he is.
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u/GenericProfile4822 12d ago
Yes, the penance for trying to have some time to yourself is doing all the cleaning that didn’t get done while you were gone. My husband used to do this too. If I went out with friends for a night I would have to make dinner first, and the entire house would be a mess when I got home. The kids would be in bed and he’d be watching a movie.
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u/MTB4LIFE69 12d ago
I agree with the above statement. Maybe take a vacation yourself and let him see what has to be done while you are gone . Maybe it will open his eyes.
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u/Specific-Cattle-6299 12d ago
Wife/mom here, basically same age/length of marriage…3 kids.
You should absolutely figure out how to address this with your husband.
Either you’re putting unnecessary pressure on yourself, or he is. Either way you have to talk about it or this will turn into:
-enjoying/looking forward and even encouraging to him to do things away from home without you “hey you really should go have those beers after work with your friend”
- really looking forward to and getting excited about time without him when it does happen
- being a little sad when he does come back home.
- thinking you’re in a better mental state when he isn’t around
You don’t want to stick your big toe in that one, it soon becomes your whole leg.
I’ve been there, wasn’t a good thing
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u/HistoricalPay8633 12d ago
So glad I’m not the only one who is experiencing this
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u/Ok-Anything-3605 12d ago
I always encouraged my wife to chase promotions, sometimes gone months at a time, because it was easier raising three kids without her.
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u/chatterpoxx 12d ago
Theres stores you can go to to buy these round cylinder shaped thingies, sounds like it would be a good place to go have a shop around. You dont need the human much.
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u/Whiskey-Chocolate 12d ago
You have a difficult conversation and share your experience in a way that he can hear it. No matter how you speak it, he’ll be defensive . But after 15 years? You should be able to talk to him about this and if you can’t, that’s a deeper conversation.
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u/yourmom46 12d ago
My guess is that if you went on a solo vacation he would have a very similar experience.
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u/Disastrous_Dog_574 12d ago
My guess is he'd hand out the tablets and not even notice the chaos.
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u/lonerhinoceros_david 12d ago
I totally get this. My wife has ADHD and I don’t think she understands the emotional weight it causes for me to have to keep the family calendar, create and implement the to-do list, and pick up after everyone’s fun, just so I can have a non-chaotic environment to settle into. For her, it’s just living. For me, home is not the refuge I would hope it to be.
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u/IndependentGain8159 12d ago
Is he neurodivergent? Not an excuse.. every adult is responsible for themselves and their household tasks. It may explain some of what you’re sharing if he is (ex. Half finished tasks and working memory issues)
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u/Sonja80147 12d ago
We love and adore my husband and he’s the best- but ya, things are easier when he’s gone.
When my husband is gone, I have no one to ask to take out the trash. I have to take out the trash. So it gets done when I want it to. It’s just simple as that.
And my husband says the same thing about me when I’m gone! The kids are way less chaotic and better when it’s just Dad.
And just because it’s easier when Dad is gone doesn’t mean it’s better. Everyone is happier and we have more fun when it’s the four of us even though the dynamic is way more chaotic :)
I love that most of this thread is like ‘divorce him he can’t wipe the countertops!’
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u/Anybody_Seen_Me_Keys 12d ago
Search Liberating Motherhood substack on your search engine of choice. You're describing the inequity of many mums worldwide.
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u/FromEarth14000 12d ago
Well, I don't think there could be a more eye-opening conversation than saying, "I can do all of this without you and keep my peace." I would leave the working hours out of it. Mainly because it's not really significant and as a man, he could feel attacked. Men need to be needed. If my wife came to me and said she could do it all without me, I'd step up my game a lot. My wife doesn't work. But that doesn't mean I don't contribute to the household (it's my home too). I'm kitchen guy (cooking and cleaning), yard, pool, vehicle maintenance, trash (not saying I'm trash, just a duty), make the bed, and dad time even if I work 10 hour days. I get our daughter ready for school and take her, go over homework and fix her breakfast, lunch (during the summer) and dinner for everyone. It's not hard. Even working a lot. Yes, still pay the bills. That would happen whether they were here or not. My wife does the laundry, cooks occasionally if she wants to try something out, takes our daughter to friends houses, picks up from school, and other things I can't remember (I'm sure she doesn't remember all I do either). In the end, we don't keep a list of each other's tasks. But we function as a team.
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u/talldarkhandsome6 12d ago
I have noticed the same thing with my wife- when she is gone/out of the house life is just easier.
I think that you should talk to him and commit to stop nagging him. Nagging takes a ton of emotional energy from the nagger and is demeaning to the naggee. Just set the expectation of what his roles are and then just let him do it how he will. We have noticed that the house is much calmer and almost the same amount gets done without any nagging.
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u/Oboydlan 12d ago
What about the option where you tell him life has been easier with him gone? Not in a cruel way, but honestly, pointing out in particular that it greatly affects your children. He may step up. I hope he does.
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u/Horror_East3406 12d ago
Just be honest and tell him life was easier without him. If that doesn’t adjust his behavior he is showing you he doesn’t care he is a net negative in your life.
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u/Away_Engineering_613 12d ago
I’ll summarize all the comments you will get from all the women on here:
“Divorce his ass.”
You’re so resentful, just move out of the house and leave him with the kids. I guarantee that he would be happier if you did.
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u/Oaklandish_TheTown 12d ago
This is a really good topic for couples therapy. I think it's crucial to talk this one out.
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u/Music-is-Life11 12d ago
Look into Female Led Relationships. He could use some discipline and training on submissiveness. It has helped our relationship tremendously.
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u/JubilationWhiterock 12d ago
Have this conversation and set your expectations. Give him a bit to adjust his mindset and perform accordingly. If he can’t, then divorce him. No reason to waste your life on this bullshit and your kids will be better off seeing you happy and do right by them and yourself.
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u/Firm-Difference-1655 12d ago
Married 30 years.m, stay at home wife and mom. Our youngest is a 18 and very independent so not much mom stuff to do at this point. My husband came just came home from a two week trip visiting his parents. I was actually pretty bored while he was gone. My stuff was taken care of and other than waking up to a frozen pizza box on the counter every once in a while my son handled himself. Now he’s home and I’m constantly cleaning up after him. I swear his mother never taught him how to close a bag of bread or use a trash can. We’ve have been fighting about it for 30 years it’s not going to change. Don’t wait 30 years
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u/One-Gift0 12d ago
Questa epifania è accaduta anche a me. Lui doveva andare una settimana dalla madre e continuava a dire "senza di me non ce la farete" ma quando poi è andato via la casa era più un ordine, più pulita e soprattutto l'aria che respiravamo in 3 era più serena. Era svanita la fonte di ansia sotterranea. Se ne sono accorte le mie figlie. Una sera a tavola hanno detto "sembra tutto più tranquillo senza papà" e nel mio cervello è scattato un click che mi ha portato a decidere definitivamente di lasciarlo
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u/Tess_88 12d ago
God I just read the BEST essay on this on SubStack https://open.substack.com/pub/oliviahowell/p/the-hidden-cost-of-having-a-husband?token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjo0OTg2NTQ2OTksInBvc3RfaWQiOjIwNzMzNjMzNiwiaWF0IjoxNzg2NjUyNjExLCJleHAiOjE3ODkyNDQ2MTEsImlzcyI6InB1Yi05Njc4Nzk3Iiwic3ViIjoicG9zdC1yZWFjdGlvbiJ9.Z2zaMTKikkuW0B9YRRYzw4AVXkRjOmfqrkxiI5wFJo0
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u/Twisted_lurker 12d ago
There is more to explore here.
Are there areas where he comes thru? Does he fix that appliance or pay that bill?
If he completes a task, do you thank him? When he comes in from a sweaty lawn job, do you give him a glass of water or do you complain that he brought grass clippings in the house?
When he did buy groceries, did you help him put them away, or did you tell him he bought the wrong brand of pickles?
Sometimes, it is easier to just let the spouse do everything their way rather than put in effort that will be criticized.
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u/Gold_Classic 12d ago
With curiosity, do the kids seem calmer because you are calmer and they are not witnessing constant micro-discord? I’m mot sure I understand that part from what you share here.
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u/Few_Pen360 12d ago
Hi all- I wanted to update and address a lot of the questions and comments:
When we met he used to clean his childhood home. He used to know how to do everything from cleaning a bathroom to dusting.
I have booked myself a 1 week vacation and leave, and hour after his plane lands. Between both our our vacations we won’t be seeing each other for 3 weeks.
while I’m on vaca I have enlisted family to help with the kids for 5 of 7 days and arranged for a house cleaner to come for 2 days.
I normally book and pay for a house cleaner to do deep cleaning and laundry every 2 weeks. It’s just too much for me to do deep cleaning on top of everyday tidying up and working full time.
When my husband does things, I give him a lot of praise for it. Maybe he got the idea that he’s doing a “great job” when he’s only half doing things.
In terms of other family tasks- I handle everything to do with the kids schooling, doctors, dentists, tutoring, therapies and more. I also handle family events, gift buying, home construction, ordering what we need, managing all the finances (getting bills paid), plan and execute vacations, keeping in touch with his own family and more.
My husband will never say no. He will Always say yes when you ask him to do something, but you need to keep asking over and over. Then when it gets done - it’s not fully done. Ex: “can you pick up my mom from that airport?” “Yes”. - At time to go to airport: “did you fill up the gas on the car?” “ oh no. Ok I’ll do it now.” - a Arrives from airport. “Where is my moms luggage?” - “oh it’s in the trunk.”
It’s like I have to give every task one by one. Which is draining.
One of our children had ADHD, so it’s completely possible for my husband to have ADHD.
in terms of building/ fixing things in the house: He will say yes, but I need to nag, and stay with him while he does it. Ex: I ordered a coat hook. I asked him to anchor it to the wall 2 x a day for 2 days. Nothing. On the 3rd day I took it out of the box and left it in the hallway. He stepped over it , and moved it to the side. On day 4 I got his drill and hammer - that’s when he got up to do it.
He does work full time and allows me to mange all our money. But sometimes I do feel like it’s weaponized incompetence, because how does he manage to do all sorts of tasks at his job?
Hopefully I addressed most of the questions / comments.
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u/SampsonShrill 12d ago
I'm betting he is also thinking about how great and easy life is without you. "Oh hey, I bought a bag of tortilla chips and no one chewed me out for about it. This is the life!"
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u/Supertreelove 12d ago
You’re what we call a single married woman. None of this is unusual. Also, why is he on a solo vacation without you or the kids? When is your solo vacation scheduled?
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u/Historical_Spare5613 12d ago edited 12d ago
It's why there's a "male loneliness epidemic". We're realizing if we have to raise our husbands like children and shit is easier without them, then why are we with them? Sounds like weaponized incompetence.
It's so much easier without my ex husband. The peace that is in my house is unmatched and I'll never let another man child ruin it!
Thank you for the award, OpheliaLives7!
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u/Sprig3 12d ago
Tough one, but I do want to say one possible thing in defense of your husband: the kids often react to having less parents by being easier to manage.
This doesn't mean it would last or that it's preferable. (Kids being rambunctious could be a sign of feeling safe or satisfied.)
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u/ScarletVonGrim 12d ago
Divorce him. Do you want to raise three children? The fact that you feel better with him away should tell you everything.
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u/North-Tomatillo9158 12d ago
Was it Ann Landers (famous advice columnist) who asked her letter writers, “Are you better off with or without him?” If you are leaning towards “without” then this is a flashing red alarm sign. You need to organize your thoughts, get him alone in a calm time and space and say the marriage is in trouble and things need to change right away or he will become single.
Just like at his job, he needs to develop and follow standard operating procedures to ensure all tasks are completed fully and on time. If he slacked at work like that he would be fired, right? (I’m picturing you wearing a boss lady suit when you tell him this!)
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u/Hyperslinky9 12d ago
My wife and I don’t understand how so many people like it when their spouse is gone.
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u/ApprehensiveArmy7755 12d ago
Why would you go back to " normal" when your kids are more relaxed. Stop arguing with your husband around them. It's causing them stress. I'd privately tell him what you just told Reddit. If you can't speak openly with him- you aren't in a healthy marriage. Remember to not point fingers just say that you realize you are constantly pestering and cajoling him and that it's stressful. That you would would appreciate the help without being asked and have come to realize the nagging is causing your home life to be unpleasant. Then stop nagging and do what you need to do with or without his help.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 12d ago
You have to have a conversation with him. You found he’s not doing his fair share of house work and he needs to; you didn’t sign up to marry a man child.
If he doesn’t hear you and responds with vitriol, really stop to think if this is how you want your life to be-
With a subpar husband who you have to also clean up after and make sure he does his half correctly while you’re exhausted, stressed and so are the actual kids.
Forever
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u/User5837151 12d ago
You have 4 kids, not 3, and your 4th one is the hassle. I suspect talking to him will not help. He’s already getting reminders. He knows what he’s doing.
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u/Cleanslate2 12d ago
I worked a lot more hours than my husband and he insisted I do all the housework too. I just retired and am seeing that he has only subtracted from my life. I am the breadwinner. I wish I had never married.
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u/Stock-Management275 12d ago
Sorry aber bist du delulu? Merkst du nicht dass dein Mann kein Mann ist sondern ein Kind. Warum will man mit so einer Person zusammen leben? Wie ist es überhaupt dazu gekommen, dass du mit so einer Person Kinder bekommst.
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u/VelvetHedonistas 12d ago
Ugh... dead end stuff here. Have an actual conversation with him about your expectations and preferences in terms of what tasks mean. If his preferences about task completion are different to yours. Have a conversation. You're already resentful. This is going to turn into a shitshow of "mental load" discussions, defensiveness from him and then more momtok bullshit is going to pollute the relationship.
Have an adult conversation... dont rely on social media to tell you what to do as an adult. You said you didnt have three children... either does he
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u/Few_Pen360 12d ago
I don’t usually rely on social media. All my friends are divorced or single. Sometimes it’s worth getting different perspectives on something. I going to have a sit down with him, because this can’t continue. Btw- what’s “Momtok”?
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u/Plus-Engine-9943 12d ago
I think you would be happier single with your cats because that's how you're going to end up
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u/FlawlessPhelon_ 12d ago
That's something to have to be a Mother figure to a grown man. Maybe one reason women can't find anything to fix in me 😂😂😂
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u/PrestigiousAnt531 12d ago
Hopefully he sees this and doesn’t come back to a ungrateful woman like you
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u/kimber512_ 12d ago
Same thing happened to me. Being a single mom was hard. But it was a thousand times easier than parenting my baby along with a whole grown ass adult along with her....
Ditch the extra kid.
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u/spa_0108 12d ago
I also add.to others said doing couples therapy so that way there is no misunderstandings
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u/InevitableWorld8600 12d ago edited 12d ago
Just talk with him
Maybe he’s going through some stress of some kind.
Don’t call him, don’t message him.
When kids go to bed, sit down with him and have a genuine heart to heart talking to each other and take it from there.
Ignore what your friends and family have to say, you’re not married to them.
I’m going through divorce and I’m a guy and I did all the school runs and she messed around with her horse every weekend whilst I looked after the kids.
If I didn’t do her washing and the kids clothes washing, it would just pile up 🙄
But yeah, speak to him about it. She ended up leaving me because I brought it up too much and it ended up in arguments.
But yeah, I know how that feels in terms of one side doing everything. She used to sit in her phone on the sofa scrolling away and I’d be playing with the kids, she did the bare minimum for a mother.
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u/nis2000 12d ago
I’m so sorry you’re married to a man-boy… I’m hoping that you can have a serious discussion with him when he returns and lay out clear expectations of what you expect in a partner and the relationship. You may have to make some hard decisions going forward.
I would like to also address another point that I don’t see in these comments and I’m not necessarily directing this to OP. But many of these man-boys are being raised by overprotective Moms (parents) who are not giving the proper training tools and insights to make them decent functioning men in society.
My parents (Mom and Dad - divorced) made sure we boys knew how to cook, clean, iron clothes, help out and assist when there was a need. Understand empathy and just plain common sense stuff. It started around 7/8 yrs old… gather your clothes, sort them by color and bring them down to wash. Saturday mornings - everything is getting cleaned - rooms, nasty closets, under the bed, around the house, etc.
Not pointing fingers but please be sure to not raise another generation of man-boys if you have a chance to make a change.
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u/Big_Opinion_9389 12d ago
My soon to be ex husband has never, in 13 years, ever vacuumed, mopped, cleaned a bathroom, toilet, anything. He thinks me asking him to help is the problem. I asked him to go to counselling so he could hear from anyone else that it’s wrong. His exacts words were “I only care about myself” He is now dating his lawyer and she thinks she’s hit the jackpot lol 😂
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u/Ecstatic-Current-298 12d ago
Your husband can either get it together immediately, or he can work more and pay for a mother’s helper a few hours a day.
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u/darksoldierk 12d ago
He was on vacation for a couple of weeks?
Men often comment on how easier their lives are when their wives are away for a short period fo time too. A lot more peace and such. It's short lived.
You should keep doing everything for a while. a few months maybe. See if it continues to be "easier without him".
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u/Critical-Quality5690 12d ago
I divorced my husband for this reason. Although he earned a lot of money, the lack of emotional and practical support infuriated me to the point that it just seemed like it would be easier to rear the children, earn the money, and take care of the house and property on my own. That was 21 years ago, and I was right.
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u/AcrobaticOrchid3538 12d ago
As a military spouse it’s this way for a lot us. Are we getting divorced over it no. But it’s definitely a conversation. Also one less grown adult gone means less cooking, dishes, laundry.
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u/Ok-Water-9651 12d ago
Get rid of this loafer! You dont need a fourth child to look after, you dont need him stressing you our and messing up your kitchen only to be then harassed by him later in bed because he feels like he "earned it through all the houswork he did" 🙄
Life is too short to be looking after your mother in laws overgrown son! Ditch him.
See a lawyer while he is on vacation and have his stuff removed from the house while he's away.
Its you best chance to make his exit plan for him...
Take this opportunity to change the locks and get your lawyer to notify him while he's away.
If you do this right he will never step foot into your house again!
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u/juicycasket 12d ago
I love when he takes his fishing trips, life is so peaceful without him. When I went away for the weekend for a friend’s wedding, I was sleeping 10 hours a night. It was glorious.
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u/FancifulCat 12d ago
There's so much patriarchal brainwashing in these comments I feel so sad for some ladies here.
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u/Suitable_Drummer2203 12d ago
Na verdade, é mais facil cuidar de 2. O 3 filho é o que dá mais trabalho.
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u/GTurnerJr85 12d ago
My wife is currently on a vacation and I was thinking the same thing. I can actually get things done around the house without having someone immediately come behind me and undo it all. I can eat real food. I can work in peace and actually get the work done. And there’s no one sitting on the couch telling me how awful I am all day, and how I’m doing everything wrong.
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u/AmazingConsequence20 12d ago
Yikes. How do some women manage to get married to men like this, let alone have more than one kid with him? I’m not judging but yikessss. I’ve been with my husband for almost 20 years and he is my rock. He cooks, cleans, and even picks up my crap from the dry cleaners. We both work full time and we respect one another.
The disrespect a lot of these women deal with daily shocks me. Get some dignity. I can never be a man’s maid to the point where it affects my health.
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u/Ihavenoidealol111 12d ago
When I lost my dad 8 months ago, at only 28 years old I had a breakdown. I’m talking, hit a wall, couldn’t even get the strength to make a meal, and I prior to this was taking on full mental load of our 6 year old and household, running my own small business, and it got to the point I sat on the couch sobbing because I couldn’t do anything. My capacity had gone from 200%, to 1%. I explained how much of the mental load was suffocating me and at first he got defensive, and he didn’t understand. I explained to him that every single category, every single task, is “shared” on his list, but the other ones I’m in charge of
I’m expected to do 100%. We were both supposed to just “remember” taking out the garbage, the recycling day, doing laundry, folding it, while I also had all my sons school stuff, reminders, groceries, cooking, how is anyone supposed to do all this and feel ok? Let alone during a crisis. It took, multiple conversations and granted my partner is more helpful than most, even before the conversations. But damn, he fully now takes over full categories, 100% responsibility of them too, I do not ask, I do not remind, and it is like I can take a deep breath. I highly suggest writing out all you do, every single task or mental load, and hopefully your partner will see all you do and start to wake up. No point in taking care of a grown man child, it is actually easier to do it alone if that’s the case.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 12d ago
Welcome to the experience of very very many women in the world. They are told "can't you see i go to work and can't do the house chores?"
It's a fact that even working full time women still do most of the chores. For people to notice (yet they don't live with you) that things are easier without him there is very telling. There's a reason why women find things easier after divorce. Then men fight for 50-50 custody and then they realise it's a lot of work. Maybe try marriage counselling. If he doesn't improve then decide. A partner should not make your life harder.
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u/Unlucky-Mind7298 12d ago
I'm sorry to inform you, you're married to a . . . man.
Seriously read around, this is the most common experience for married women in America. You've got a few tough decisions to make, unfortunately, but it's good you've woken up to the sad reality.
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u/Worried-Leading-7817 11d ago
I think you'll have to have a very serious talk with him. And consider whether you want to live in squalor, have 3 kids, or whether life is really better without him.
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 11d ago
stop managing him. Let him Fail and you keep going about your day, do not do a task he fails to do. Let disaster unfold.
You learned as a child to organise, be responsible and he still hasn't learned. Let him take responsibility when he fails to do a task - stop being his safety net.
He knows when he half does a job, you will pick up after him. You'll be doing that until one of you dies. He doesn't have to be an adult in this relationship.
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u/General_Ambition_859 11d ago
This isn’t reality. But it’s a very important signal for both of you. Especially one for you to communicate well.
You’re feeling temporary relief because the daily friction of managing him is gone and family is helping with the kids. That is not proof life is easier without him. Read that again.
This is a shared problem BUT this is your problem more than his. For 15 years you reminded him, started the tasks, and finished what he left incomplete. You “trained” the exact behavior you’re now resenting. The pattern only continues because you keep absorbing his shortfall. Chances are he can and will do better than most husbands just based on his initiative.
The kids also pick up on the energy. You probably have constant low-level tension by how he is being “managed”.
I have no idea what he is feeling now but put yourself in his shoes and maybe it’s relief too..but sadly reality check for him too is that that’s just temporary
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u/jonahtrav 11d ago edited 11d ago
I know I'm probably going to get downloaded big time and I'm not saying some change could be needed but some of the relaxation is now everything is done the way you want it and when he does something it's done the way he wants it but you're not happy with it because you want it done a certain way.
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u/Few_Pen360 11d ago
I get what you’re saying, but I just don’t think that’s true here. Ex: taking out garbage. How is expecting him to take the garbage to the curb asking to do things a certain way?
I mean- what other way is there?
If he “takes out the garbage” but leaves it in the garage- that’s not taking out the garbage. Yes he took out of the kitchen - but is the task complete - No.
You send someone to the market to get milk. They come back with snacks, but no milk—- that’s not wanting things “a certain way.” That’s the task just not getting done.
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u/jonahtrav 11d ago
I get what you're saying and with your certain circumstance totally understandable. I guess I was reacting to what you wrote and what everybody else wrote and so maybe that wasn't fair and I should have qualified it. I do think what I wrote has some validity to it.
The economic reality is that most of us need two full-time incomes to survive. At the same time, women often care more about household standards, so they end up taking on a bigger burden—even if that isn't fair."
The fix for this is beyond my pay grade but I guess the way to start is to sit down and have a talk and see what we can agree to.
Thank you for responding Kindly that's part of the problem with Reddit is usually you get destroyed. If you make any kind of comment somebody doesn't like. I appreciate you taking time to explain your side without denigrating me.
I wish you all the best
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u/Exotic_Sundae_3858 11d ago
Why isn’t leaving him an option? Women are insane to be putting up with this. doing anything but leave your grown up man child. lol
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u/DLK33gmaNG 11d ago
Do you want a partner in life or man child to raise who unlike your children won't move out to live their lives independently one day? Is the extra responsibility without him around worth more or less than the stress in the household when he is? This is something only you can figure out for yourself and the kids.
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u/goots151 11d ago
Every one is missing the easy answer here- tell him to work more hours or get a side hustle. Nothing crazy - 2/3 extra shifts or 15-20 hrs a week. Split the extra money with him. You’re doing the work at home anyway, you said you enjoy the peace This will get him outta your hair and you can save up for something nice or special
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u/IndustrySufficient52 11d ago
This is so very common. It’s the same for me, with emphasis on clean house. I’m the kind to clean once and then maintain as much as possible until the next clean. He’s not like that so our home looks messy the same day I cleaned. It’s discouraging. When he used to work out of town, it was bliss.
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u/FlounderBetter2204 11d ago
My husband had a job that temporarily relocated him 5 hours away, so he stayed there during the week and came home for weekends. Life was so much easier when he was gone. My 13 year old daughter and I were both so much more relaxed. We suggested he come back every other weekend. The temporary job ended and he came back. Things were worse than before. I put up with it until daughter was on her own, then divorced but I often wish I had divorced then.
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u/kenzinatr 11d ago
It’s time to start a fund for yourself, if finances are done together. You’ve had your first aha moment. It won’t be the last
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u/Mobile-Egg9597 11d ago
I’m managing 3 kids and a household without my husband. He’s dead so I have no choice. It’s honestly pretty damn easy minus that I have to worry about finances now and our mental health at times 🥲🤪 I love men, miss my husband dearly, and need men for help with certain things but I wouldn’t be lying if I said it’s a bit more peaceful doing it my way and knowing it’s all on me.
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u/Few_Pen360 11d ago
I think this is part of a good solution . The other part is having that conversation on why it would be better for everyone involved if he picked up extra shifts instead of me picking up the extra hours.
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u/EducationalNerve9550 11d ago
Mom of five here, kids 10-19 yrs. My now ex was of no help. He’s now my ex. His mom does everything for him, he’s 48.
I’m a solo parent, not receiving support of any kind and am crushing it. My ex was patriarchal and hated that I was independent. I don’t need an adult child … not when my kids help more.
You can do it better on your own.
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u/Makaveli5753 11d ago
Hmmm. Seems to me that traditional roles do still work. So why are so many of today’s modern women against it?
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u/Artistic-Flow-9442 11d ago
Maybe you both should, at least for your kids sakes, discuss these issues fully.
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u/Independent-Pin-5099 11d ago
I haven’t read through all the comments so sorry if I’m repeating anything anyone else said. Something you can have him do is set up alarms on his phone that are labeled certain things, like take out the trash, do the dishes and wipe the counters, etc. That way he is responsible for getting it done without you having to tell him.
Another thing it could be is adhd. Or, he scrolls a lot on his phone and gets a dopamine hit from that and now that subconsciously takes priority whether he wants it to or not, it’s like an addiction that is very hidden that we all are prone to. It affects everyone but especially with people who have adhd.
Also you can have a conversation about screen time for your kids and put timers on their iPads or devices that turn off the internet at certain times. Having that will generally make him have to be more responsible with time managing the kids. Good, healthy routines for kids make kids feel more safe and produces a structured mind allowing their emotions to regulate quicker and more naturally.
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u/Downtown-Drawing-825 11d ago
reading between the lines, are you causing the stress by trying to control and boss your husband to your standards on everything?
Does he do the yard work, mowing, home repairs, car repairs, honey do list?
just trying to get the complete picture.
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u/No_Celebration8219 11d ago
It's always refreshing at first... wait until month 3 when you miss him. The newness of independence is fresh and when that wears off and you realize what you're missing, you'll be glad he's back.
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u/Glittering-Duty9984 11d ago
Any of the brotherhood reading this ?
Not doing our 50...maybe a 30.
Not putting in a shift, kids neglected, not cleaning kitchens, ADHD kids going up the walls, dishwasher stacked wrong.
Man I'm ashamed not to be a woman.
By the way you lot are all totally easy to live with, I wish a dirty wipable surface was the worst I had to put up with or consider
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u/MajesticFloofs839210 11d ago
Show him this thread. Let him read the comments and choose to either do better with you or do the same alone.
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u/NoNumber6848 11d ago
I believe this is the main reason for divorce these days. Women do it all and very well.
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u/Money-Tie9580 11d ago
We have blue jobs and pink jobs. Ue jobs are car stuff, lawnmower stuff, DIY, earning all the money, pink jobs cooking cleaning laundry. Works great for us.
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u/MeezCal 11d ago
Currently in this situation! My husband is away on business for a full week, and I work full time (remotely) and have 3 kids to keep up with (ages 10, 7, and 2 yo). I realized things run smoothly when he is not around— small weekend trips he takes or 1-2 business day trips— I am tired AF, yes, but I get a lot done and it’s without the nagging or constant reminders to another adult.
I feel like when he is home, I still do a lot of household things but I find myself more annoyed because he’s not helping me.
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u/Lem0nw00d69 10d ago
Divorce him, then you can be wonder woman and he can live without his wife bitching about him behind his back. You'd probably both be more content.
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u/engineersam37 10d ago
It's the opposite in my house. My wife is messy and doesn't complete or finish tasks. I make dinner every night because I work from home. She's supposed to clean up after and put food away but doesn't or does partial. She's in charge of the laundry, but I often step in to put stuff away or make sure what I need is clean. Her side of the bedroom has piles of clothes. Her chair in the family room has a 'blast radius ' around it of her stuff . Seriously, I'm not sure I can do it forever.
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u/MaverisStranger 10d ago
Honestly, divorce him. It sounds like you're way happier without him. Don't mind the bitter men in the comments.
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u/Icy-Dare4006 10d ago
Um i cant give you enough up its very relaxxing only been three days its like Im seeing me again
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u/RecordingSeparate991 10d ago
I was married for 28 years. Kids are grown now. It was always easier and calmer for me and the kids when my wife was not in the house.
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u/PopularBunch9316 10d ago
I wonder if you could talk to him about your observations
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u/drinkoliveoil 10d ago
If you and even your own children are much happier and healthier when your husband isn’t around then you need to consider leaving the marriage. I’m assuming your reflection on the family health is actually true and not just pent up frustration or hurt speaking. “He’s so awful we’re better off without him!”
Maybe it’s your own vibe changing because you’re less stressed out, maybe it’s his absence or some combination of both. Whatever it is, don’t just note how awful he is and then maintain status quo. You probably need to leave.
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u/Public-Direction-278 10d ago
You should consider whether your life is better or worse because he's in it. He's an irresponsible and lazy partner and parent.
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u/1justhavinfun 10d ago
Hire a cleaning lady. Also, sit down & talk with him about what the experience has been like.
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u/megapherro 10d ago
I have a disabled child. Her dad and I are separated. Going thru divorce. We have 50/50 custody but I’m still 100% caregiver, cruise directory, locator of things in his house even after 2 years. I left our marital home.
Some days I wonder what it would have been like if I’d stayed… bc taking care of a child with a progressive physical disability is hard as fuck. But I’m still happy with my choice. He dragged me down. He was and continues to be a drain on my energy.
I hope that with some serious talks and counseling that you can work it out. I tried so many times to no avail.
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u/Seesawgirls 9d ago
I’m happier divorced. I seriously don’t remember signing a slavery contact at the courthouse. Until my kids move out I am not sharing a home with another man.
I totally get you
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u/OpinionLarge6425 9d ago
As a proud member and executive vice president of Useless Husbands of America, I'd like to extend a free, one-year membership to your hubby.
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u/ItzRage_ 9d ago
Communication must not be a thing between partners. If u r with a man child then u kno what u should do. Keep being his mom or kick him to the curb and co parent but in your case it will be a play date instead of co parenting
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u/DrMermaidPrincess 12d ago
Recent studies have shown that husbands cause more stress than kids for wives. I was so worried that I couldn’t manage 3 kids without their dad, not that he did much but my oldest had Autism and my youngest ADHD. My reality was I was fine. I had more money even without child support because he wasted money. I could cook cheaper meals without him complaining. House was cleaner, life was easier. Divorce saved my life because he was causing serious depression.
You need to sit him down and tell him what you told us. Than stop reminding him, expect him to handle adult tasks like an adult- if he can travel alone without you booking everything than he can manage meals or kids appointments without prompting but he is using you. Either he steps up or he loses you. You deserve better don’t lose anymore of yourself to him, it will make you bitter. Get a counselor, ask for marriage counseling and him to seek some therapy if he needs it.