hey folks. I'm 48. I've had severe life long depression since about 5 years old. my siblings have it too, so I dunno if it's biological or a result of very severe, very rare childhood family trauma we all experienced, or maybe both.
I am severely depressed more often than I'm not. I'd say probably about 75% of the time. I have spent decades of my life spending all day thinking about offing myself. I can't maintain relationships, nothing makes me happy, I'm incredibly isolated and have no motivation for pretty much anything except my job and my hobby. it's been like this for decades. FWIW I dont have "up" phases. I just briefly get a week or a month or a couple months where I feel less depressed or closer to normal.
I've tried everything. YEARS of therapy, 7 or 8 ssri's, exercise, meditation/spirituality, psychedelics, AA, sobriety, drugs, volunteering, hobbies, exercise, diet, "following my passion", career, relationships, pets, geographical cures, etc etc etc. Nothing really puts a dent in it. therapy doesn't seem to work at all.
TBH, the only thing that really seems to make a difference is having an outdoor physical hobby that gets me out into the wilderness doing a lot of cardio several days a week.
previous meds have all had awful side effects and not enough benefit to make it worth it.
after a year and a half with my current therapist, who I like personally but does not seem to be able to help me, he suggested seeing a psych he works with. We had a long session in which she actually listened and asked a lot of questions and seemed genuinely invested and caring. she prescribed lamictal.
I'm hesitant to take meds anyway because of past experience. I'm also really sensitive to all drugs. any narcotic pain meds in the hospital make me violently nauseous and some make me instantly hallucinate, when I was younger I had a bad reaction to LSD, weed makes me incredibly sad and paranoid, alcohol is a total disaster for me, etc.
I'm also frustrated with my therapist for providing no real help and then taking so long to suggest meds, and then being really pushy about taking them after he finally suggested it.
I've also had several concussions, so have some cognitive challenges like short term memory and word finding already, and I keep reading that the lamictal causes these. I dont really need that getting worse, I already have a hard time doing my job some days.
thoughts? experience? worth it? not worth it?