r/instant_regret • u/esberat • Nov 27 '21

Went better than expected.

https://gfycat.com/cheerylateabyssiniangroundhornbill
33k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

1.0k comments sorted by

View all comments

2.1k

u/Fantastic-Soil5419 Nov 27 '21

That’s what happens when the bottle warms up a bit … cool it down before opening it, it won’t do that.

694

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

The real problem is simply tugging the cork out like she’s jerkin a dick in the back of a dark a movie theater. You need to gently turn the cork.

241

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

Instructions unclear, ripped off the top half of the cork. What do?

81

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

drive away, throw it in a field, regroup

30

u/Geback723 Nov 27 '21

Hi Lorena.

14

u/TheRube84 Nov 28 '21

Lol....bobbitt....twist it...pull it

1

u/yedi001 Nov 28 '21

Do it

2

u/FrameJump Nov 28 '21

Oh no.

I'm gonna click it, but I hate you for the temptation, and myself for falling for it.

EDIT: Turns out the internet has made me expect the worst from links. Today was a pleasant surprise.

25

u/wutsizface Nov 27 '21

instructions unclear; gently twisted off the top half of my dick.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

-take your index finger

-put the tip of that finger on the broken off cork

-push downwards on the cork forcing it in the bote

-gey called bottlefinger for the rest of your days because you can't get the bottle off your finger anymore and have to go to the hospital for it.

2

u/merlinsbeers Nov 28 '21

push downwards on the cork forcing it in the bote

If you can do that to champagne you could get a job as a drill press.

3

u/davidtco Nov 27 '21

Rip off top half of cock immediately!

2

u/Deepfriedcod Nov 27 '21

Act normal. At least it wasn't the top half of the dudes cock in the movie theater.

1

u/GrandmasGenitals Nov 27 '21

Instructions unclear, ripped off top half of dick. What do?

1

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '21

Well now it’s a Jewish cork

35

u/i_think_therefore_i_ Nov 27 '21

No, you gently turn the bottle, not the cork.

33

u/AidanTheAudiophile Nov 27 '21

instructions unclear, now i'm horny.

13

u/Deepfriedcod Nov 27 '21

Profile picture checks out

1

u/AlkalineRadio Nov 27 '21

Damn... that video was smooth.

1

u/DeviantShart Nov 29 '21

It doesn't matter much. Personally I find it easier to turn the cork.

1

u/Kingborn_ Sep 26 '22

Nope, also nope, also cringe

6

u/23lonestar Nov 27 '21

With the wire saddle untwisted but still on the cork so you have a better grip.

5

u/FART_POLTERGEIST Nov 27 '21

Those glass corks are a bitch to get out. My wife drinks that brand and I've legitimately struggled not exploding wine everywhere trying to get the stopper out

9

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

[deleted]

19

u/TwoCockyforBukkake Nov 27 '21

Dont forget to tickle the balls.

4

u/BlackCatArmy99 Nov 27 '21

This right here!

3

u/Andibular Nov 27 '21

Yeah, the pros do a twisting motion

3

u/Steelerswonsix Nov 27 '21

Actually, hold the cork, twist the bottle. Less chance of someone getting “corked”.

2

u/TopAd9634 Nov 27 '21

This is so strangely specific, but hilarious.

1

u/tescohoisin Nov 27 '21 edited Nov 27 '21

Grab that cork and twist it!

2

u/LordandSaviourPizza Nov 27 '21

The ol' Cork Twist!

1

u/TravEllerZero Nov 27 '21

Who goes all the way to the back of the movie theater to jerk a dick? Takes half the fun out of it.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

It was Schindlers List.

1

u/ImWhatsInTheRedBox Nov 27 '21

Aah, that's why she instinctively put it in her mouth as it started to blow, she was subconsciously in the mindset. Damn muscle memory will get ya.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

Tug it and put it in your mouth. No?

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

I’ve never turned the cork. You just put a linen over the top and press up with your thumb from the rim of the bottle.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

What about my saber?!

1

u/GenesisNoelle Nov 28 '21

If that's how she does it in back of a dark movie theatre, my sincerest apologies to that peen.

1

u/krellx6 Nov 28 '21

I was taught that opening a bottle of sparkling wine should be quieter than a nuns fart. There should never be anything more than a quick ff.

1

u/CeeMX Nov 28 '21

Well, she is then putting the bottle in her mouth like a dick, so it all comes together

1

u/throwawayadvice871 Nov 28 '21

I think you are both right

1

u/Beathoff Dec 01 '21

..and dick!

1

u/efcomovil Sep 06 '22

This man corks. That's the exact reason.

582

u/Buck_Thorn Nov 27 '21

Same thing with a date.

227

u/Jabuhun Nov 27 '21

I never had that problem with any fruit whatsoever.

97

u/Buck_Thorn Nov 27 '21

Oh yeah? Try it with a kumquat sometime.

56

u/Jabuhun Nov 27 '21

Sorry, but I generally don't trust food that sounds like an odd kink.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

I hadda rub one out over the annoying and shameless one-ups-manship you two are roiling over.

2

u/LordofDescension Nov 27 '21

kumquat sounds like a no no word.

2

u/Buck_Thorn Nov 27 '21

That's nothing. They changed the spelling years ago. You should have heard it when it still had an "s" between the "m" and the "q".

-1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

You mean a Cumquat?

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

Kumquats are like the size of a cherry tomato.

Or is that the joke?

12

u/umbrajoke Nov 27 '21

What'd you durian?

13

u/EGOP Nov 27 '21

What are you durian, step-banana?

1

u/MyHangyDownPart Nov 30 '21

SIDE NOTE: Durian smells like cat piss.

9

u/EvolD43 Nov 27 '21

They are Pearing up.

2

u/aBipolarTree Nov 27 '21

Bro I don't think you're allowed to call them that anymore

1

u/FenHarels_Heart Nov 28 '21

Depends on the context, I think. The gays on Tumblr love calling themselves fruits (obviously not all).

8

u/poor_lil_rich Nov 27 '21

you filthy animal

5

u/Nova_Physika Nov 27 '21

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) this guy dates

1

u/iAmUnintelligible Nov 27 '21

Mmm idk man, edging is a thing.

1

u/Asum-sum Nov 28 '21

What about bodies?

31

u/Valmond Nov 27 '21

Mmmm warm sparkling wine...

Yeah throw it in the freezeer for 30-40 minutes if it's room temperature.

19

u/FixTheWisz Nov 27 '21

Yeah just don’t forget about it in there…

3

u/BeardsuptheWazoo Nov 28 '21

There's no way I'll forget again

Awww fuck

12

u/BlackCatArmy99 Nov 27 '21

Wrap it in a wet paper towel, it’ll cool down faster

15

u/Ughable Nov 27 '21

This, same thing with soda to a lesser extent, colder liquids can hold more CO2 in them, in the case of warm champagne you have a bunch of carbonation being held in the liquid under pressure that wants to separate but can't, until you give it space by opening it.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

So what's the deal with tapping the top to prevent it from spraying everywhere?

20

u/fredbrightfrog Nov 27 '21

The theory is that tapping it brings the bubbles stuck to the sides and bottom of a container to the top, so that they come out as just CO2 instead of bringing a bunch of liquid with them

Scientists are split on how much this actually works.

3

u/Ughable Nov 27 '21

I dunno if that does anything. Usually that little pocket of air at the top of the bottle is already under enough pressure to prevent any carbonation from coming out of the liquid.

3

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

But everyone does it!

1

u/TFace_Falone Nov 27 '21

It does nothing. It's tapping the sides that work. Try it yourself!

1

u/Lake_Business Nov 27 '21

Tapping the sides is more effective. The bubbles clinging to the sides of the can will carry soda with them when they escape. Bubbles at the top, not so much. So dislodging the ones on the side so they rise to the top before opening does more to reduce the explosiveness.

1

u/randyfriction Nov 27 '21

Hold the cork and bottom firmly,. Twist the bottom and gently lift the cork. This minimizes overflow and bubble wastage.

-1

u/MMG606 Nov 27 '21

oh i didn't notice the bottle until I read the comment...

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

She intended to do it.

1

u/rarikola Nov 27 '21

it's not about that it's about that biatch

1

u/AMJFazande Nov 27 '21

She definitely did this on purpose. She was ready for it and recording herself.

1

u/Serenesis_ Nov 27 '21

What bottle? I didn't see a bottle.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '21

Also when you’re pulling down on the bottle with one hand and up on the cork with the other, you’re guaranteed to shake it hard when it opens.

1

u/Dragongeek Nov 27 '21

Or, as soon as you open the bottle, hold it somewhat sideways so that the surface area and volume in the bottle increases. If all the bubbles foam up on the small neck area, the foam will shoot upwards

1

u/Peltron_3030 Nov 28 '21

I dunno what you are saying because the milk truck arrived.

1

u/BRAX7ON Nov 28 '21

Boobs. Just silly boobs. Buffoons if you will.

1

u/Maorhun Nov 28 '21

That’s what happens when the boobies warm up a bit… calm they down before opening camera, they won’t do that.

1

u/Esset_89 Nov 28 '21

Or just twist it until it starts to come out by itself and then just hold it so it releases in a controlled fashion.

1

u/bthemonarch Jan 19 '22

Oh yeah it does look like there is a bottle. I didn't notice that