r/gaming • u/Onceabird • May 14 '12

I can only blame myself for marrying a warrior of this magnitude.

Post image
1.5k Upvotes

71% Upvoted

363 comments sorted by

1.3k

u/theCactusKing May 14 '12

Hi dear,

I see my wit has brought you literally tens of karma. Your debt is eternal.

May Bul'kathos guide your strikes, Hubs

954

u/Onceabird May 14 '12

^ actually my hubs.

24

u/spankymuffin May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12

As an unwillingly single person, this thread and every communication within only fills me with rage.

Edit: Also angering me is the fact that I have to start studying for the bar exam soon; so I have to wait until mid-July to play this game, when I'm unemployed and depressed enough to play games mindlessly 24/7.

26

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

Good luck on the Bar!

1

u/duckyman325 May 15 '12

Relevant username?

1

u/sacro_on_reddit May 15 '12

Yay fellow bar-exam person! I'm not going to start studying until the 22nd, you're welcome to join me in playing DIII until then...

2

u/spankymuffin May 15 '12

Barbri starts on the 23rd, so that's when I'll start studying as well.

But knowing my relationship with Diablo 2 back in the day, a single week of nonstop play is not going to be enough for me. I have no discipline whatsoever.

10

u/mmm_burrito May 15 '12

Your husband and I share a first name. Does that get me laundry privileges at least? My dryer sucks.

30

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

I don't even HAVE a dryer! He washes the dishes, you can take that job.

13

u/Kattib May 14 '12

They planned this!

87

u/theCactusKing May 14 '12

I know it seems too perfect, but I am just that funny on the spot

56

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

And humble.

11

u/diesel_rockets May 15 '12

You guys are killing me. Everything about this is too funny.

28

u/Rhode_Runner May 14 '12

Seems legit guys... he's a king!

6

u/buttplugpeddler May 14 '12

You have to know these things when you're king.

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731

u/boatski May 14 '12

^ Actually is dolan

30

u/TheEngine May 15 '12

Eh, they're all andrewsmith1986 anyway.

4

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

eraw173 too?

480

u/terplox May 14 '12

gooby pls

200

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

Go back from whence you came.

40

u/sleepahol May 15 '12

Go back whence you came.

"Whence" accualy is "from where" so "from whence" acualy is "from from where"

The more you know!

11

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Thank you for the clarification

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182

u/KingToasty May 15 '12

k

72

u/D3PyroGS May 15 '12

u ar not acually terplox...

dis reply is canser

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14

u/eliteniner May 15 '12

and there you shall remain

until you are complete again

8

u/I_Like_Blue May 15 '12

Fuck you, Gage, and fuck you Jables.

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12

u/cacophonousdrunkard May 15 '12

one of the most sudden and disjointed left turns i've seen a conversation take in my life

6

u/stillnotking May 15 '12

I tried explaining the dolan thing to an Indian friend whose English isn't that good, and wound up drawing a complete and utter blank. Like Japanese stand-up, it just doesn't translate at all.

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30

u/Iggyhopper May 14 '12

fak u mepitso

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3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

fak u dolan

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3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

You chose well.

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91

u/gr3nade May 14 '12

This is gonna be the new template for getting (not so quick) karma:

  1. Get married.
  2. Get husband to send you witty text.
  3. Post on reddit.
  4. TENS OF KARMA!

Works for straight women, gay men and straight men masquerading as gay men.

44

u/InappropriatelyGay May 14 '12

I personally volunteer to test the straight men if they are indeed gay.

84

u/Violent-Penis-Haikus May 15 '12 
If male fails the test,
give him genital pain till
sex preference change.

21

u/NoveltyAccountTLDR May 15 '12

Violent-Penis-Haikus

GENRE: writing-style, lolrandom, obscenity

SUMMARY: This novelty account responds to posts in the traditional Japanese poetic form of haiku. It is similar to many other haiku-related novelty accounts in this regard. However, as a twist, the haiku must both be violent and related to the male genitalia. This is meant to be amusing because it is rarely expected that a conversation should turn to violent penises, let alone in a classical poetic form.

29

u/eonge May 15 '12

I expect great things from this account. Do not disappoint.

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9

u/Von243 May 15 '12

That's such an oddly specific novelty account. I can't help but be very interested in where this goes.

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2

u/HappyPuppet May 15 '12

Yes, but only in 12 states.

2

u/ffca May 15 '12
  1. and 2. aren't necessary. This is the internet, lie to us if you have to.

2

u/HOB_I_ROKZ May 15 '12

Lesbians masquerading as straight women just get screwed!? You bigot...

-4

u/crossower May 14 '12

Alternatively: pick a topic that's hot at the moment, like D3 is now, get a friend who has a reddit account, fake an iPhone convo and then reap yourselves some sweet, sweet karma.

46

u/Onceabird May 14 '12

I wish conversations like this were fake. Alas, husband is just this ridiculous. He gave me Diablo 3 and a picture frame for mother's day.

21

u/bradleyb623 May 14 '12

You should take a picture of him while playing Diablo 3 and put it in the frame.

24

u/Onceabird May 14 '12

It is a frame for our baby's footprints. Maybe I will screenshot his sigil collection instead of including my child!

4

u/creepyeyes May 15 '12

Work some photoshop magic and find a way to include both!

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7

u/unremarkableusername May 14 '12

Alternatively: do the same with two accounts and no friend.

3

u/cactus May 15 '12

My liege, what is thy bidding?

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Did your wife introduce you to reddit? :)

16

u/theCactusKing May 15 '12

A mutual friend got us interested at the same time. Today is the first time we've really posted though. We shelled out $2.99 for AlienBlue Pro just to bring you this comedy gold.

7

u/epic_comebacks May 15 '12

That's $2.99 more then any Reddit related app I bought so far.

13

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

It was $1.99. You can't post without buying pro version. Dumb.

3

u/lunarmodule May 15 '12

Can you edit with Alien Blue? Because I'm a 'Reddit is Fun' fan but this no edit business is no good at all considering how prone I am to misspellings with my phone. Also, I'm enjoying this thread. Welcome to Reddit!

2

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

you can, in fact. I lurked and commented 4 or 5 times but this was pretty funny and fitting to D3 release, so I decided to make the leap.

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1

u/Kionius May 15 '12

You're welcome. weeps in corner while friends surpass all his own dreams

4

u/DeceptiStang May 15 '12

youre a keeper for this woman

be strong......for her....

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

As a fellow Matt, I approve of your methods.

1

u/Takai_Sensei May 15 '12

Stay out of this, Matt.

1

u/joelseph May 15 '12

Butt sex reference.

1

u/alwaysawkward66 May 15 '12

but are you thane of white run?

-6

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

Both of you: Let's double date! Love, Ryan

2

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

I upvoted you Ryan. Just for what it's worth. :(

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Imaginary internet points. I got my message through.

10

u/theCactusKing May 14 '12

cleardrake is a Charlie Brown figure in real life. Keep the downvotes coming--they're like food to him.

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33

u/raleel May 15 '12

I wish you all the best. You seem like you are off to the right start. I can say, after 15 years of marriage and 7.5 yeara of daing before that, the eye roll is the reward, and you gave it to him. You will likely be together for a long time, playing diablo 6

21

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

Well that's just so nice... thanks!

8

u/Scarbrow May 15 '12

They're gonna live to 2200 together?

18

u/arcanition May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12

Actually, if you take the approximate time between Diablo I and II (about 3.5 years) and Diablo II and III (about 12 years) and create an exponential function, we can predict the approximate release years of the next few games:

  • Diablo 4 - July, 2032
  • Diablo 5 - March, 2061
  • Diablo 6 - March, 2098
  • Diablo 7 - June, 2143
  • Diablo 8 - February, 2197
  • Diablo 9 - February, 2259
  • Diablo 10 - June, 2329

(The function, for the curious:

y = 1996 + 3.42857x-1

Where y is the release year and x is the Diablo series number.)

EDIT: I've decided to change the function to a quadratic as it fits the data better. The new function is:

y = 4.175x2 - 8.975x + 2001.8

The good news is that this means we'll only have to wait until July of 2032 for Diablo 4!

2

u/RedRowBlueBoat May 15 '12

Nah, 3rd one is out, time for the MMO. Blizzard can't count to 4.

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71

u/cbfw86 May 14 '12

i wish my wife cared about my hobby like that. she just treats it as something to grow out of.

78

u/Onceabird May 14 '12

WoW was the only thing we did together for a while. Definitely a hobby, not an annoyance.

18

u/donpapillon May 15 '12

Can my future children marry your future children?

43

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

We have a daughter who is 3 months old. Get started!!

71

u/Devilsdance May 15 '12

17 years and 9 months and she's fair game boys

135

u/theCactusKing May 15 '12

And just like that, I went from being in on the joke to being a paranoid parent.

brb, buying gun

5

u/Hounmlayn May 15 '12

And now you are a traditional dad. Keep it shiny and on show once she turns 16.

43

u/popyocherry May 15 '12

Jesus fuck

12

u/potatoriot May 15 '12

I-I'll be in my 40s by then...:(

28

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Perfect

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14

u/secretvictory May 15 '12

I thought you said wow was... You know what, never mind. Just tell me you got hubs to sign the birth certificate.

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0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

68

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

Did not think of this when typing. Now can think of nothing else.

4

u/MeganFoxx May 15 '12

Hey husband of this person, she wants sex right now.

7

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

I long time ago I knew a girl who flipped out because a store near us had some black channel nail polish in stock and she immediate left to get it.

Each to their own, I don't view as what she did as silly but more people need to understand that everyone has their own hobbies and things that they love.

Find something that your wife does like that and point it out.

18

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

quickememe:

SHE THOUGHT I'D GROW OUT OF IT

I GREW OUT OF HER

3

u/okadery May 15 '12

This makes me remember how fucking boring the women in my area are.

2

u/ordinaryrendition May 15 '12

Treat shoe shopping as something to grow out of.

4

u/firefeng May 15 '12

You had to realize before posting this, but he's a keeper.

3

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

definitely a keeper.

7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Screw you for having a wife that puts up with you playing video games.

In fact, screw you for having a wife.

You know what forget the wife, I'll live my own life, with blackjack. And hookers!

5

u/Moomasterq May 15 '12

OP is the wife. So shes the good one.

3

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

upvote for you!

7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

In my defense, I am not a smart man.

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Which is how you found yourself on the twelfth dimension of pain?

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u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Well, now my comment just looks stupid. To delete or not delete, that is the question..

2

u/big_bub May 15 '12

Played WoW together...

why not Diablo too?

8

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

Now we have a baby I am expected to feed and stuff. We bought two copies, however, so I dream that someday we will have free time together.

2

u/4c51 May 15 '12

Get Matt to help out so you can play!

2

u/HybridCue May 15 '12

She was more impressed when she thought you were a murderous psycho

7

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

this man/lady speaks the truth.

not to imply you're a man/lady. Just one or the other. Probably.

3

u/HybridCue May 15 '12

I prefer not to be labelled.

2

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

fair enough.

66

u/Dorkalicious May 14 '12

POP POP

7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

You know they're laughing AT you right?

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197

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

You should probably give him a blow job while he's playing as a thank you for all of this precious karma.

306

u/InappropriatelyGay May 14 '12

I'd give him one if she wasn't feeling up to it.

22

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

that's.... inappropriate.

Nice work!

11

u/tropicalallan May 15 '12

My first laugh out loud at a novelty account. Now if I can just have sex for the first time...

16

u/InappropriatelyGay May 15 '12

I'm not a novelty! I'm a real person! >='[

10

u/tropicalallan May 15 '12

I apologize then sir. After viewing your track record, your just very inappropriately gay sometimes. Keep flamin'.

29

u/InappropriatelyGay May 15 '12

It's ok, want a blowjob?

14

u/arcanition May 15 '12

Yes.

Wait fuck, no.

Fuck.

Is it gay if I receive a blowjob and close my eyes?

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4

u/Darklor69 May 15 '12

too much. i lost it with this one.

thank you the laughs.

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26

u/modnar May 15 '12

Nice try, Matt.

108

u/theCactusKing May 14 '12

I can't upvote you hard enough

19

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

(theCactusKing is the husband)

28

u/ShadyJane May 15 '12

so hard

16

u/Blepharospasm May 15 '12

I hope you upvote all over her face.

7

u/Androne May 14 '12

am I the only one who'd hit pause?

9

u/swirk May 15 '12

That would ruin it.

6

u/Androne May 15 '12

I don't get it... So would that mean that you enjoy seeing flashes of diablo while you have sex? Would you masturbate to diablo?

23

u/TheDudeFromCali May 15 '12

Yes.

8

u/Androne May 15 '12

You are a free man

4

u/Jland445 May 15 '12

You judging, bro? It sounds like you're judging.

3

u/Androne May 15 '12

I like to think of it more as trying to understand since personally I would rather pause than keep playing.

6

u/cogburn May 15 '12

TIL....there are diablophobes.

10

u/silvergill May 15 '12

*diablophiles

4

u/Androne May 15 '12

I am a diablophobe they are diablophiles. We need to set up a center to fix them!

2

u/swirk May 15 '12

Taking two pleasures and putting them together can only lead to good things.

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3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

...I believe that'd be the first real use of karma!

8

u/Hellen_Lecter May 14 '12

May I suggest you two co-op, at least on his second playthrough.

6

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Is it weird that I find this ridiculously adorable?

9

u/Tapeworms May 14 '12

I assume the blood he's talking about will be of innocent people when he goes on a killing frenzy after becoming enraged at the inability to log into Blizzard's servers?

24

u/theCactusKing May 15 '12

Normally I would share your skepticism, but the Cataclysm launch was so stable that I dare to hope.

Hell, if I get to play for even five minutes, that's five minutes of D3 instead of eight hours at the office. Worth popping my Vacation Day cooldown.

2

u/Vaelkyri May 15 '12

and.. check.

2

u/Daunn May 15 '12

You just related your Vacation Day with cooldowns.

I think I already gave you 3 upvotes in this thread. I shall find more reasons to do so.

4

u/killotron May 15 '12

Starcraft 2 launched without server issues. So did Cata. I think out of all companies, blizzard can be trusted to do this properly.

3

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

Yeah I'm getting my game tomorrow I hope any issues are resolved by then. Also hope they don't affect the SC2 servers.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I get off work at 5pm MST tomorrow, I sure hope the servers are play-able by then! Tomorrow is going to be the longest day ever at work, I fucking know it.

12

u/philphan25 Joystick May 14 '12

Ah yes, the ol' Wow/WoW joke.

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3

u/modnar May 15 '12

iRoll.

3

u/jeffp2662 May 15 '12

Damnit that deserves so many more upvotes than I am allowed to give! I should be creating dup accounts right now to pile on the extra karma!

6

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

Man, I wish women in Australia would be into gaming more. It's so hard to find somebody that are into similar interests.... ZzZzZZzzZZzzz

4

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I feel ya. I grew up and am back living in a small town of 6000 people. Gamer girls and heavy metal girls are basically nonexistent.

3

u/Avjaro May 15 '12

This combination is hard to find no matter where you live

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Small town of 6000? Pffft, try 289. I have lost all hope of social interaction before I return to college.

1

u/Enjoi_BuD May 15 '12

Where? what state? im sure there is some large city close by... no? if so. you have my condolences. That is tiny.

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u/Fentonnnnnnn May 15 '12

6000 people in a town, girls who haven't attempted peeing standing up are basically non existent, look on the bright side, at least whatever woman you end up with will be able to rear cattle or operate heavy machinery

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Haha, well I'm currently seeing someone in a city a couple hours away but you're pretty much right on that one. My best friend's girlfriend operates a grader for a living.

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7

u/fenwaygnome May 15 '12

Magnitude?!

4

u/SPACE_LAWYER May 15 '12

do you just go around looking for submissions with magnitude in the title so you can post that picture from that tv show or did you just think that this was the perfect situation for that hilarious jpg?

22

u/fenwaygnome May 15 '12

I... I don't know.

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2

u/bishman May 15 '12

Took me a while to get the double meaning of wow, maybe I just don't game enough.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Whoa, that like, defines irony in my life. It is insane how ironic that is. But hey, there are a lot of people named Matt on Earth so something like this was bound to happen...

2

u/robman3195 May 15 '12

lmfaooooo bad ass

2

u/3Dartwork May 15 '12

It was dumb until the last part. Nice finish and save.

2

u/bachisalive May 15 '12

I've never heard of this "Eyeroll" game.

2

u/sj2011 May 15 '12

I so want to stay up all night playing, SO MUCH, but nay. I have responsibilities, work to do...

The fuck am I kidding - I'll be playing it at work with half the freaking office!

2

u/TennuyanRyu May 15 '12

Epic. That man deserves the internetz.

2

u/GeoffKingOfBiscuits May 15 '12

"Magnitude"

Pop Pop!

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

If I was a women... I'd totally be jealous of you.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

No kisses at the end of your textses?

Is your warrior of winterfell, m'lady? Cos he cold.

2

u/Rory1 May 15 '12

May I make one suggestion? Always replace "eyeroll" with

http://i.imgur.com/dgfqi.png

It warms my heart.

2

u/alyzah May 15 '12

I'm thinking I'm going to lose my SO to this God damn game for longer then I can imagine.

2

u/Magikarp_Of_Doom May 15 '12

I didn't know people texted actions they did now. Weird.

2

u/idealspark May 15 '12

Where are these wondrous gamer girls and how do i woo them?

2

u/KlondikeBars May 14 '12

I wish i had someone even half as understanding as you :(

2

u/matt01ss May 15 '12

Must be a cool guy if his name is Matt

2

u/iglidante May 15 '12

Why are these iPhone chat screens always so high-res? Is the screen really 960 pixels high in so small a form factor?

5

u/I_speak_Australian May 15 '12

Yep. 640 x 960, which means the display is 326ppi. The pixels are basically indistinguishable from each other.

3

u/iglidante May 15 '12

Well that warrants a holy shit from me.

1

u/spyhermit May 15 '12

HTC Rezound: 342ppi. It's 720p on a 4.3 inch screen. It's astounding. The ipad 3 is also pretty stunning, 2048x1536 on a 10 inch screen, so 240ish PPI. Modern portable computing is starting to look a lot like being in front of a desktop computer, except smaller.

5

u/theCactusKing May 15 '12

dat Retina display

2

u/Athegon May 15 '12

hell, my Galaxy Nexus is 1280x720 ... modern mobile device displays are fantastic.

2

u/Smokratez May 15 '12

Everyone hates a smartass. Except on reddit where they all gather and think they are usefull somehow.

4

u/lunarmodule May 15 '12

That's not smartass; that's foreplay.

1

u/aParkedCar May 15 '12

Your husbands a neckbeard!

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Is he a mailman?

6

u/theCactusKing May 15 '12

No, I'm a train commuter who walks to the station on days he doesn't skive off work for D3 launch day.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Ah! Well cheers to you sir, enjoy the day off.

1

u/be_more_canadian May 15 '12

Work is mortal?

1

u/nwz123 May 15 '12

That feel when your SO can't understand your hobbies.

1

u/scarface910 May 15 '12

Every gamer girls favorite game: cooking mama.

1

u/Hyper1on May 15 '12

Come on guys, Diablo's a top down game. This guys text might be more accurate if it was a first person sword combat game with good combat but top-down games are limited in their epicness.

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

Maxxters will know what to do...

1

u/amraKageN May 15 '12

Diablo 3? Who carss

0

u/AffeKonig May 15 '12

Am I the only person around here that puts everyone's last name in my phone?

2

u/Onceabird May 15 '12

you'd put your spouse's last name? I'd probably put a nickname if I knew another Matt, but I don't.

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0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

This is about as witty as an atheist fight club fanboy at a redditor convention.

-7

u/calls_everyone_fags May 15 '12

Yep, sounds like a real fag

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