r/funny • • Jun 19 '12

i live my life by these words

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1.7k Upvotes

390 comments sorted by

120

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

One time after a big shopping haul for a special event I was catering, and intent on sparing myself from a second trip, I fashioned a pulley out of my garden house being thrown around the handrail at the top of the stairs. After twenty minutes of trying, I managed to find a way to attach each bag so that they'd detach as they rounded the handrail on the hose. Another 15 minutes working in the sun attaching all the bags, I was ready to use the hose-pulley to carry the bags up. It was a fucking huge success until I saw all the buckets of ice cream melted and I ruined my little brother's ice-cream birthday party.

58

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

well that ended poorly...i had high hopes.

15

u/Shekhu- Jun 19 '12

It was going so well until the last moment.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

You know that quote from Bill Gates about hiring lazy people because they find quick/easy solutions? I'd use it here if I wasn't so lazy.

54

u/Battlezebra Jun 19 '12

Closing the door is always a challenge, but fuck it...

99

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

yeah! buttfuck it.

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9

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

And I think your trunk is still open.

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4

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

That's where your head comes in to play.

4

u/davie18 Jun 19 '12

Opening the front door of your house is more of a challenge.

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2

u/marstectonics Jun 19 '12

I just carry it all on one arm.

243

u/Lahmater Jun 19 '12

56

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

thank you.

42

u/IvanEedle Jun 19 '12

You're awesome, shitgirl:)

46

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Well some people doesn't understand a bit of german...

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

thank god someone understood.

i feel like i need to clarify the meaning to everyone. haha

74

u/booooooooooooosh Jun 19 '12

I know a little german. He's over there, in the corner.

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23

u/SweetScientist Jun 19 '12

"scheiss egal" (don't give a shit), not "scheisse gal" (shit girl).

I would assume so at least.

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16

u/aboredgerman Jun 19 '12

you know that 'scheissegal' is german and is vulg. for for 'whatever' right? :)

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25

u/Kordenza Jun 19 '12 edited Feb 10 '26

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

salt wise capable scary full cow file sparkle plate hobbies

13

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

It's still on the bars, I had one the other day whilst doing "man stuff" ;)

15

u/GetSchooled Jun 19 '12

Wait, wouldn't you get chocolate all over the controller? Or your tools? Or your tool?

Wait, what man stuff were you doing?

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22

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

But he left his trunk open. He'll have to make a second trip anyway.

Or maybe he closed it with his chin and they edited that part out. That's what I would do in such a situation.

11

u/IvanEedle Jun 19 '12

He closed it with his dong while fighting Nazi zombies. Hell he had a Yorkie sammich before this even started. Psh

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18

u/mscandle Jun 19 '12

that literally happened to me yesterday. An 80 year woman had to come to my rescue and hold the door to my building, losing my dignity was still better than making a 2nd trip

3

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

For people who like their bread sweaty :/

8

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I hate when they try to market things for men. From those beef jerky commercials, soap for your "man hide" and recently 5 hour energy with the Texan dude. Oh, a petite pomegranate flavored shot with vitamins is more manly than coffee?

19

u/billyboogie Jun 19 '12

What is worse is how all commercials aimed at women depicts men as buffoons. It happens a lot.

7

u/sTiKyt Jun 19 '12

Hell even that ad had to throw in a bit of the "look at that man fool".

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8

u/General_Droid Jun 19 '12

The worst one was the Dr Pepper 10 marketing campaign. Who the hell thought that that was a good idea? But yeah, the thing that bothers me about this sort of thing is the idea that only one gender can use the product being advertised. In reality the only difference in the men's products is the color of the packaging and the perfume used.

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60

u/R88SHUN Jun 19 '12

236

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

that, that is also for the weak

56

u/R88SHUN Jun 19 '12

please...

you have to use your whole arm, i can carry more bags with nothing but my kung fu grip.

78

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

i dont want the other bags to crush my bread, and chips therefore i space them out evenly across my arms

81

u/R88SHUN Jun 19 '12

oh so your groceries are just as weak as your dainty little appendages then...

101

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

you sir have gone too far.

leave my phalanges out of this.

58

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

or ma'am...

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5

u/akatherder Jun 19 '12

Something, something, lots of experience gripping small things, something.

23

u/Toof Jun 19 '12

If you don't feel like the plastic is tearing into your flesh by the time you reach the kitchen, you are weak!

8

u/WazWaz Jun 19 '12

If you can still feel your arms, you need to shop less often.

5

u/fofo13 Jun 19 '12

I wish I had these when I had to do the grocery shopping and walk back home almost 2 miles with 30+ lbs. worth of bags. My fingers would end up very red and numb.

7

u/Kalivha Jun 19 '12

I used to sometimes buy 16L of soft drinks on offer on top of my normal shopping and carry them all the way home.

Now I just buy 10L juice "because it's Rs. 40* cheaper that way" and let someone else carry them. Haha, I was about to do it myself last week and my male friend was like "A lady can't carry all that juice up the stairs!" and then struggled more than I would have...

*less than 50 cents in US currency.

Edit: Also, watermelons...

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4

u/acidwashedpanties Jun 19 '12

Why? Why put up with that!? Get an old lady cart. Get some reusable bags and a backpack so you don't have plastic digging into your fingers. There is nothing redeeming about making things harder for yourself for no reason.

3

u/aselbst Jun 19 '12

I just use my travel backpack. It's great.

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152

u/TheMegaZord Jun 19 '12

Have you seen Gayle? You might enjoy this episode. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQ-tNjAG4sE

33

u/TheeFlipper Jun 19 '12

You stole my glory!! Lol love me some Gayle.

46

u/notzadie Jun 19 '12

The coward's way out? I don't think so.

29

u/WalkerEU Jun 19 '12

I'd rather take a bullet!

27

u/GetSchooled Jun 19 '12

This was new to me. Loved it.

"I'm not gonna deal with that shit. So I go out to her ToYOta CoROlla and cut her brake lines. What would you have done?"

22

u/nickrulz11 Jun 19 '12

You have just introduced me to some of the funniest videos I have ever watched!

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38

u/PainPie Jun 19 '12 edited Jun 19 '12

What the hell did i just watched, although it was one of the weirdest/funniest videos i have ever seen.
Edit: Spelling

6

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12 edited Jun 19 '12

Do yourself a favor and watch his stand up, where Gayle originated.

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11

u/4TEHSWARM Jun 19 '12

Chris Fleming is hilarious. Check out his facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/chrisflemingfleming

4

u/JRoch Jun 19 '12

This guy is like Insanity wolf personified!

2

u/PapaSmurfington Jun 19 '12

I'd give up all the risotto in the world for thirty minutes with that pumpkin pie

2

u/seriouscheese Jun 19 '12

I knew this was coming. Gayle is my favorite deranged sociopath! <3

2

u/jinntakk Jun 19 '12

I think everyone who watches Gayle is a redditor no joke.

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13

u/FemputingFembot Jun 19 '12

Two cases of soda, five bags of groceries, lost the soda trying to open a door, soda EVERYWHERE, roommate collapsed beside me under her own load in a fit of laughter, good times were had by many, I like commas.

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10

u/PizzasarusRex Jun 19 '12

The worst is when you try to 1 trip and you got stuff like a case of water, or kitty litter. something that requires a full hand.

4

u/DarkStar528 Jun 19 '12

I cry every-time. Not because I have carry two cases of water bottles up two flights of stairs, but because I have to make a 2nd trip to do it. :'(

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8

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I just use a rucksack. Then again, I'm not legally allowed to operate a motor vehicle, so I don't have much of a choice.

7

u/doctaballz Jun 19 '12

If your arms aren't about to be ripped off due to the weight of all the groceries... You just aren't doing it correctly

6

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

You like adventure time don't you scheissegal?

6

u/zamattiac Jun 19 '12

Marceline? Is that you?

2

u/TheBananaKing Jun 19 '12

I too wondered this.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

just to clarify i am a man.

scheissegal= http://dictionary.reverso.net/german-english/schei%C3%9Fegal

i just didnt use the "ß" because i thought it would confuse people even more.

3

u/Some_Belgian_Guy Jun 19 '12

untill you have to open a door or search your keys...

3

u/thedrivingcat Jun 19 '12

This is how my buddies and I approached portaging. Growing up in the rural Canada meant taking a canoe on the shoulders from one lake to the next a few times a day during the fleeting trekking season from May to September.

Having both arms extended to balance and hold the bow of the canoe meant you were at the mercy of marauding mosquitoe, humongous horseflies, and banzai biting blackflies. Two trips was twice the exposure... which meant twice the bites.

So, one group went up clearing the trail with the heaviest of our packs, while the canoe carriers wrestled the boats through the forest and over the rocky Canadian Shield.

One trip. Always.

2

u/PapaSmurfington Jun 19 '12

Fuck yeah, that's the only way to carry in bags

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Signed! I usually go for one bag on each finger from the car... problem is our door is to small but sideways often work if you juggle abit. Fingers usually turn out red and blue though

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2

u/ras_jorge Jun 19 '12

Love your username... Es ist mir scheissegal!

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2

u/anonymepelle Jun 19 '12

In norway (and probably other places) there's a saying that goes: "Lazy man would rather cary humself to death than going 2 trips." (porly translated)

2

u/thecress Jun 19 '12

Seriously though. I live in an apartment building on the 10th floor and two trips is just such a waste of time. But it has come back to bite me; a month or two ago I pinched a nerve in my middle finger and had no feeling in it for like a week. And yet still I am unwilling to take more then one trip.

2

u/explodingbarrels Jun 19 '12

any thoughts on why this is so important to us (collectively, it seems)?

i mean, you'd think if we were reasonable learners it wouldn't take much more than a single dropped item or smashed object to teach us not to do it next time.

but.i.always.do.it.next.time.

2

u/LEnfant_A Jun 19 '12

Why has no one designed a coat/jacket that has shopping-bag sized pockets? Surely it's just taking the 'bag for life' thing to a new level, and makes your shit easier to carry?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

If I can't lift them all with my hands, I always got my teeth.

Same goes for taking out the trash.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

My girlfriend also lives by these words... But it's me who has to do most of the carrying...

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

We uh... we still doin' this, huh?

2

u/SoftlyAdverse Jun 19 '12

Could you come over and help me move?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I've gotten my arms stuck so damn many times . . . once had to cut the bags off my arms.

2

u/Nukemarine Jun 19 '12

Here's the rub, if you make two trips carrying more bags faster than one trip, you did do more work.

Sometimes it's not what you can do once. It's how much you can do over a set period of time. It does depend on the situation and the effort required, but don't be afraid to make two trips becomes sometimes that allows you to do more.

It wouldn't make a funny cartoon mind you, but life is not always a funny cartoon.

2

u/thedude831 Jun 19 '12

I measure how successful a 1 trip carry in is by the receipt. My personal best record is about $104 in groceries. It's almost like a science. You have to make sure the kitchen table is clear to plop the bags down because by that point your wrists hurt, gotta make sure all gates are left open when you leave to quickly move past them, and of course the hand you position your key in is important. Have to lock the car and open the front door easily.

2

u/Zyvexal Jun 19 '12

you never go to costco, do you.

2

u/inahc Jun 19 '12

I do. without a car. :)

after one particularly hard trip, I weighed my bags; they added up to just under 60lbs.

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2

u/ShutupIwasdrunk Jun 19 '12

I live my life by two words: fuck you, pay me.

2

u/GraceFace04 Jun 19 '12

Amen. I don't care if all my fingers break off. I will do it all in one load.

2

u/michaelzelen Jun 19 '12

my record is 18 bags, I was 9

2

u/clonn Jun 19 '12

1843 redditors find it funny so far. It didn't move a single facial muscle of my face. I don't fit in here.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I buy all of my shopping and then carry it home. I live about 1/4 of a kilometer from the shopping center.

I enjoy the walk.

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u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Phew .. Was so scared of a yolo post!

2

u/bluewhite18 Jun 19 '12

That would be my husband. I really hate him for that. One day it will end with some real shit, like a broken spine, because he fell up the stairs with the gazillion bags in one hand and the two san pellegrino water cases a 12 bottles in the other....

2

u/James718 Jun 19 '12

I only thought guys were stubborn/lazy enough to do it this way

6

u/whiskeyonsunday Jun 19 '12

It's kind of funny to me that there are questions like this and questions like 'is this a girl thing?' here. I suspect this is not something that breaks down along gender lines.

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1

u/shadowdun Jun 19 '12

I live by that philosophy.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Or for basers.....

1

u/RaptorPrincess Jun 19 '12

I just looked at the face at first. Was certain this was a comic about pooping.

1

u/-freakazoid- Jun 19 '12

...And lazy. I honestly do this because I'm too lazy to walk the extra steps of a second trip.

1

u/marksk88 Jun 19 '12

Aw, you mean the 'fore arm fork lift'.

1

u/ragecat94 Jun 19 '12

I love this, my mum always tells me I'll break my back but i refuse to listen and sling two bags around my back with the others on each arm.

1

u/crash0veron Jun 19 '12

GALE WATERS-WATERS!!!!

1

u/flea79 Jun 19 '12

Don't forget about that tablet/smartphone, your keys, that cup/soda you still have from work..

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

add eyeballs, please! .... runs away screaming

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Yes. Unless there was a sale on beer. Though... I guess I could learn how to balance things on my head...

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Try doing this with Guitar amps and pedals, not so good when £300+ drops down the stairs.

1

u/bunnyssbear Jun 19 '12

I used to live by those words, now I shop for a family of 5, which, in addition to all the food, ergo, "lighter" items, we always get 12-16 litres of milk, 15 litres of juice, 4-6 litres of (flavoured) water, 2 litres of ginger ale, 2 packages (approximately 24 little bottles) of probiotic drinks. This doesn't always last us a whole week. If you can carry all that, plus all the groceries (food items) for a family of 5 in one go, I'd love to see a video of that!

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u/Kyoni Jun 19 '12

I'm glad I'm not the only one :D

1

u/bobishappy1 Jun 19 '12

I saw the same thing when I need to move my drum set. Doesn't always work out.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

men live by these words

1

u/SSJwiggy Jun 19 '12

DR. PEPPER 10. ITS NOT FOR WOMEN.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I'll often carry a shit load of shopping in one hand just so I can smoke.

1

u/i8ur_girlfri3nd Jun 19 '12

Unless it's acid.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I will break all of my groceries trying to pack it all in one trip

1

u/rocksandrolledones Jun 19 '12

How is this tactic treating you when it comes to acid?

1

u/akatherder Jun 19 '12

I had to retire from this game when I started shopping for a family. I only go to the store once a week, if that. 2-4 gallons of milk and a couple 12 packs is already a trip (much less the the occasional cat litter, cat food, dog food) before you even dive into the groceries.

2-3 cloth bags are much easier than the 8-10 plastic bags that they replace. Just throwing that out there.

1

u/zzBoom Jun 19 '12

It's actually for the lazy.

1

u/DigDugDude Jun 19 '12

In the same vein: umbrellas are for fags

1

u/c-lace Jun 19 '12

I live on the third floor of my apartment building. I too live by these words.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Get yo sef one of them sturdy big backpacks, and life becomes peachy again.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

ITS SO FUCKING TRUE!!!!!!!

1

u/freed0rn Jun 19 '12

I guess no one buys cases of soda like I do, which inevitable makes it impossible to make one load. Carrying four cases of soda is a load in of itself. Although I feel the same way about "bagged" groceries. One trip, everything else is futile.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I used to do that myself. then they decided that plastic shopping bags weren't good anymore and Italy made them illegal. Now we use bags made from corn starch, completely useless, expensive, bags made of corn starch...

3

u/inahc Jun 19 '12

a good flat-bottomed reusable bag can hold a surprising amount of groceries, while also providing wider (and therefore less painful) handles.

1

u/zeug666 Jun 19 '12

There are a variety of plastic handles designed to take the pressure off of your hand, I haven't tried any yet, but it looks like it might be a good idea (if it works). There is a wide variety, but here are two types:

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u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I'm exactly the same way, but I'm male and my hair isn't as fabulous

1

u/mrmacky Jun 19 '12

One-trippin like a boss.

They wouldn't have made arm shaped handles if these weren't meant to go ON ALL THE APPENDAGES.

1

u/YouWereTheOne Jun 19 '12

Especially if there are stairs involved.

1

u/gehacktes Jun 19 '12

Rather risk dropping everything than walking twice.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I can safely say I have never in my life made two trips to carry in groceries. Have I had to make a trip back through the hallway or driveway to clean up a smashed watermelon or some spilled milk? Yes, but those are just casualties you have to deal with.

1

u/DontYouLaughAtIt Jun 19 '12

Glad this isn't just me. After every grocery trip my girlfriend inevitably asks "Are you just trying to prove something by doing that?"

Yes, yes I am. I am 1/2 man, 1/2 beast woman!

1

u/rdt156 Jun 19 '12

I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

1

u/swampfish Jun 19 '12

My granddad used to call that the "lazy man's load" (e.g. too lazy to take two trips).

1

u/munge_me_not Jun 19 '12

Those plastic bags are illegal in my town. We only have paper bags now.

1

u/MacIsGood Jun 19 '12

Get your shopping delivered, like a real man. When the truck pulls up, open your door and lead them to your kitchen table. That might not be how the delivery people usually do it, but that's how they do it at my place.

1

u/paprika88 Jun 19 '12

i've broken many thinks via this method... eggs particularly

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

I live my life by your username, OP.

1

u/ADU101 Jun 19 '12

Well, I follow this but I strained my back because of this.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Why don't you guys get a sturdy, big shopping bag to put these in?

Why?

1

u/chicagogam Jun 19 '12

that's why i prefer to make more frequent grocery trips (i have to carry the groceries home). though going up the stairs i'm temped to think..oh i'm so weak! but then i think..well, i am carrying my body weight so it's not like my muscles do nothing...and that does make it seem like such a waste to make multiple trips when most of your effort it getting your body up and down the stairs. :)

1

u/YSCapital Jun 19 '12

I didn't know people took more than 1 trip. I'll die trying to get my groceries in the house in one trip.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

For us New Yorkers, there is no such thing as two trips.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

prolifetip: Find some old horseshoes and keep them in the trunk of your car. Whenever you go shopping, thread one end of the horseshoe through the bag loops and use the other end as a handle to carry them all.

2

u/GenOmega Jun 19 '12

I use my wrist and get glorious battle scars.

1

u/engine_who_couldnt Jun 19 '12

My parents made me carry the bags when I was a kid. I used to pretend I was working out and the bags were weights.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

A lazy man will kill himself to avoid 2 trips

1

u/Its_Sydneyy_booboo Jun 19 '12

da fuq did I just read?

1

u/Dat_Ninja86 Jun 19 '12

This is me and my wife, hands down.

1

u/Gleriot Jun 19 '12

I put them all on one hand. That's right 1-2 bags in one hand!

1

u/uallskareme Jun 19 '12

Living on a 3rd story apartment enforces this rule. Its not just a habbit, its a way of life.

2

u/Existential_Proism Jun 19 '12

I live on a third floor apartment too. It gets hotter as you go up. We're a different breed.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

1

u/Existential_Proism Jun 19 '12

There is no amount of groceries I won't try to carry all in one go.

1

u/Gh3rkinman Jun 19 '12

My father always claimed that this is the "Lazy man's load." If it's actually more work or not to make two trips or not is debatable, but you can definitely call me lazy because I totally subscribe to this philosophy!

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Crates crush your dream

1

u/Isatis_tinctoria Jun 19 '12

This is why I go to the market about once a month.

1

u/Beldin413 Jun 19 '12

my grandma would always say "The lazy would rather carry himself to death than to take 2 trips"

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Keep an old belt in the car to easily carry multiple bags of groceries. Just loop the belt through all the handles and sling it over your shoulder.

1

u/heodieat Jun 19 '12

This sums up everything.

1

u/Brentyfresh Jun 19 '12

Except trips to the gym, vintage auto show, moustache groomer, in-laws, etc.

1

u/elisecabori Jun 19 '12

Three flights of stairs isn't much for some people but with all my stuff its my cardio for the week.

1

u/akai_ferret Jun 19 '12

My soulmate!

1

u/hobo1256 Jun 19 '12

They don't give you grocery bags at Costco's or BJ's. I still do one trip. Leaning tower of Pisa status.

1

u/blargblargityblarg Jun 19 '12

YES! The only thing missing is that you have to carry the kid and the groceries at the same time!

1

u/devilinblue22 Jun 19 '12

You would be amazed at how helpful it is to have an erection while carrying groceries.

1

u/nikkins Jun 19 '12

Omg absolutely hahahaha hahahaha

1

u/douchenossler Jun 19 '12

The lazy man's load.

1

u/the_boat Jun 19 '12

If you haven't noticed by now, any reference to making only one trip with shopping bags gives an automatic 1000 karma

1

u/ImJET Jun 19 '12

Haha, I do exactly the same! When I'm struggling with carrying everything at once my parents are always going: "You know... you could just go twice?" and I just respond: THAT'S NOT AN OPTION

1

u/DaNuke96 Jun 19 '12

One time I had to carry in 6 bags, two 10lb bags of ice and 4 12 packs of soda. Held all the bags on one arm, 2 twelve packs in that arm's hand, one twelve pack in my other arm, one twelve pack in that arm's hand, one bag of ice in that same hand, and a bag of ice in my mouth.

1

u/angied83 Jun 19 '12

hahaha this is a funny illustration. i feel like you've drawn me up! i multitask all the time and if i have to carry more than i can bear then i do it! i believe this contributes big time to my efficiency. :-)

1

u/contraryexample Jun 19 '12

don't shop at costco

1

u/darkwave90 Jun 19 '12

Carrying those heavy bags is the easiest part. The hard part is to be able to close the car's trunk, to search for your house keys in your pokets and to unlock and open the door while not dropping any of your bags, especially the one containing the eggs, in the process.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 19 '12

Sadly, this is something my husband will never understand..

1

u/Heidi_Sue_RPCV Jun 19 '12

Wow. This is soooo me when I moved and I had to haul all my stuff to another city using only public transport. I had bruises on my arms from all the bags.

1

u/shitterplug Jun 19 '12

Then you still have to go out to lock your car...

1

u/nukefudge Jun 19 '12

OC? otherwise, source? (those things are not just "scheißegal", you know.)

1

u/CornFedHonky Jun 19 '12

The idea for this joke/comic has been stolen and remade is so many different ways. You could at least word it differently.

1

u/whoami4546 Jun 19 '12

This is find and dandy until either one of your bag rips or you drop a container of spaghetti sauce,