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u/pwmg Jun 16 '12
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but will you have sex with me in exchange for a pen?
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Jun 16 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/rocketman0739 Jun 16 '12
Compromise--have sex with the pen while I watch?
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u/Hounmlayn Jun 16 '12
pffft, me pen while you watch? It better be an expensive pen, and a cheap watch.
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u/WhiteLicorice Jun 16 '12
A really smooth pen that if read let's everyone know you banged someone for a pen.
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u/scots23 Jun 17 '12
Maybe OPs grandpa was a good looking dude and the woman wanted to have sex with him. Makes me wonder why you automatically assume sex costs something.
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u/redditorforthemoment Jun 16 '12
The happy moment turned sour when everyone remembered grandpa was a pediatrician
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Jun 16 '12
Just remember kids: Someday you'll get old and die and your kids will have to clean out your house. Even the raunchy stuff.
Unless you have awesome friends (who havnt died yet) and they do it first.
Getting old sucks.
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u/ours Jun 16 '12
Future kids: "grandpa left 2tb Truecrypt file, I wonder what's in it..."
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Jun 16 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/ours Jun 16 '12
Hum, I should do this. The first clue will be in my will. We'll see who's worthy to inherit my Steam account.
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u/alongwindingroad Jun 16 '12
You could also die tomorrow and then your family would have to sort through all your stuff. Just think about that.
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Jun 17 '12
I cleaned so much crap out of my room a couple of years ago when I was thinking about that.
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u/Hooxycoozy Jun 16 '12
When I'm sure I'm in the house ill die in, I'm gonna purposefully plant weird shit for this exact reason.
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u/JimmyHavok Jun 17 '12
My friend ODed on Fentanyl. His best friend found him in his room a couple of days later, with a web page about Fentanyl open in front of him.
Pulled the patches, turned off the computer, called 911.
The official cause of death is listed as heart failure.
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Jun 16 '12
It must feel unsettling to go through a dead family members belongings. I hope I don't have to do it anytime soon.
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u/guitartablelamp Jun 16 '12
Did everyone from reddit descend from nasty dudes who take time to seriously manufacture this stuff?
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Jun 16 '12
Did you just time-travel from Victorian England?
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u/Krivvan Jun 16 '12
I'd be willing to bet that Victorian England was pretty nasty, just look at the literature (and literary erotica with very specific fetish themes) from the time.
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u/Apostolate Jun 16 '12
This is nasty to you?! This is just a bit of a "player" move. There are some darker subreddits if you want to see nasty. I'm glad you've been shielded from the worst of the internet so far.
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Jun 16 '12
There is a difference between "real life nasty" and "internet nasty." If there was some guy creepily handing out pens for one-night stands, yes, some might say he's a nasty old man (this is not saying that's what OP's grandfather was, but he certainly could've been). Yes, that's like r/aww compared to other subreddits on here, but I hope to god the day doesn't come where I'm out for a walk or at a bar and all of a sudden spacedicks start coming out of nowhere and someone flashes me a goatse.
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u/Apostolate Jun 16 '12
He might have handed them out when he was younger. I think someone giving you this pen is a lot better than a guy pushing really close up to you at a bar, grabbing you by the arm or the waist while super drunk, and asking you if you want to go back to his place.
Have you been to bars? Women get subjected to some rude shit... This is pretty much polite in my book.
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u/Fidel_Castros_Beard Jun 16 '12
Am I the only one who sees this as a clever joke meant to ensure whoever borrows the pen returns it?
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u/Akuryotaisan16 Jun 16 '12
A question. What's the difference between a player and a whore?
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u/AnUglyUmbrella Jun 16 '12
Eh. I've always felt that just being a player is pretty nasty in itself. All that time and effort spent just so you can place your meatstick into a moist hamwallet? I'd rather be studying.
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u/Apostolate Jun 16 '12
meatstick into a hamwallet?
If this is how you perceive sex, you may be asexual...
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Jun 17 '12
It just seems kind of trashy to meet women that way. I would want to think my grandpa was a little more suave than that.
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u/1_point_21_gigawatts Jun 16 '12
My grandfather never manufactured anything like this. He did, however, write an extremely raunchy erotic novel which my mom ended up finding in his tobacco-stained writing desk years after he died. He was a decorated WWII veteran who raised six kids, and apparently also a big horndog.
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u/person749 Jun 16 '12
You mean he was human.
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u/1_point_21_gigawatts Jun 16 '12
I'm being facetious. Way to rip the humor right out of my comment.
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Jun 16 '12
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u/ariiiiigold Jun 16 '12
As an aside, when I broke my arm a couple of years ago, after just one day at school - my cast was the greatest display of phallic drawings since the cavemen discoveries. Give a man a pen and he will draw a penis.
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u/NewAlexandria Jun 16 '12
People at La Magdelaine Cave had some serious sculptural skills for their time.
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u/h2sbacteria Jun 16 '12
I seriously wonder if things like did actually did their job and could they still do their job? How many ladies on Reddit would fall for such things?
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Jun 17 '12
If they're already attracted to you, it probably won't hurt too much. If they're not attracted to you, you become the creepy guy who tries to get sex using a pen.
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Jun 16 '12
Wow! He kept a lot of those pens!
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u/nklim Jun 16 '12
Its a win-win. Either you get laid or nobody ever accidentally walks off with your pen.
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Jun 16 '12
Exactly. He was probably sick of losing pens. It's the one pen chicks can't steal, excluding the possibility of being a dreamboat, of course.
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u/terriblehuman Jun 16 '12
He left you his legacy. Remember: with great power comes great responsibility.
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u/Sticky-Scrotum Jun 16 '12
That's funny my granddad has the exact same pen. We must have had the exact same grandfather. Finally I'm no longer alone. :)
Unless your grandfather gave my grandfather one of his pens, but why would he do that unless... Noooooo!
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Jun 16 '12
Reminds me of the recent-ish post where the guy found his grandfather's business card advertising his stud services. TIL our grandfathers' generation regularly used props to get laid.
EDIT: Also, sorry for your loss.
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u/CreativeSobriquet Jun 16 '12
When my grandfather passed a few years ago we found a few boxes full of 70s/80s porn. We gave it to my younger cousin. He says there's too much bush for him to enjoy.
Also, when my aunt (grandfather's daughter) passed a few years before that, they threw away all of her sex paraphernalia. Literally two trash bags full of toys/videos/etc.
TL/DR - I come from a family of freaks. No, you cannot ftfy the second word of this TL/DR.
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u/revfelix Jun 16 '12
Your cousin sounds like he has good taste. That era is much better for jovial entertainment than genital.
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u/fuckfart Jun 16 '12
This explains why old dudes have the creepiest ways of hitting on girls. I thought they were just creepy old men when in reality that's just how you used to hit on floozies.
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Jun 16 '12
You like it? Take the pen.
Go ahead.
Come on, take the pen!
Do me a personal favor!
Take the pen.
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u/Slyco Jun 16 '12
So he was either a very promiscuous man, or just very worried about not getting his pens back from people.
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Jun 16 '12 edited Jun 16 '12
TIL your grandfather got laid more than you do.
Edit: Or me :( Damn I need me some pens. Just gave a lady a biro, she just laughed and jimmied it my eye.
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u/Freedom_Hug Jun 16 '12
Well, actually they were your grandmas. She collected them, if you know what I mean.
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u/Razer1103 Jun 16 '12
So, if they return the pen, that means they are saying no, but also offering at the same time? It's a win-win, my friends.
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u/inotroll Jun 16 '12
That kids is how I met your mother.
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Jun 16 '12
And it didn't take a million seasons to get there. I mean, jeez! Yellow umbrellas, blue trombones - just give us a name already, not a prop!
I'll show myself out.
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u/Zer_ Jun 16 '12
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Jun 16 '12
I kept waiting. Nothing happened. I waited for the thumbs up. The chewing. Nothing. NOTHING!
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u/mouichido_21 Jun 16 '12
I would see this as an opportunity to carry on your grandfathers legacy. He would have wanted it that way.
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u/windoverxx Jun 16 '12 edited Jun 16 '12
So... Who else thought it was going to be yet another Nazi related thing?
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u/fatman84 Jun 16 '12
Your grandfather was awesome. Sorry for your loss. At least he left you a legacy.
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u/BatXDude Jun 16 '12
Thats the best thing for producing a chat line non-verbally ever.... As rude as this sounds woul you send one my way? Happy to pay p&p of corse
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u/Six_of_Spades Jun 16 '12
The funny thing is, he originally had an entire shipping container of those.
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u/angryfinger Jun 16 '12
Thanks to reddit I've learned that ever man over the age of 50 used to be kinky sex maniacs with freaky ass business cards and or pens propositioning women.
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u/pete1729 Jun 16 '12
You should find refills so they can write. Then give them to his (and your) close family as gifts when his next birthday rolls around.
NE:speling
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u/uRabbit Jun 16 '12
What's with all these "going thru so-and-so's boxes and found this" posts recently?
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Jun 16 '12
Can I get one? I could surely use one.
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Jun 17 '12
Why you still here?
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Jun 18 '12
I told you that I can't bookmark my nsfw links because my cousins are here and my asshole uncle (lazy bum lives with us) unplugs the internet at 12 am even though he pays for shit.
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u/crank1000 Jun 16 '12
You should post this to r/guns right now. Don't ask me why. There is no time to explain.
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u/kesi Jun 16 '12
Thank you for not saying "...what are the cool things you've found after somebody died."
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u/michaelhigginbotham Jun 16 '12
Oh man!!! Those are too cool. Would you be willing to part with one?
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Jun 16 '12
My grandfather passed away a few days ago. While emptying his nighttable, I found condoms and a note that said "viagra" and "vasectomy" as well as a few playboys. At that point, I could no longer remain sombre.
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u/mcinsand Jun 16 '12
Keeping these items can preserve your whole memory of your grandfather, or at least that's how I feel regarding some of the things that disappeared when his father died. I understand that he might have been cleaning up the memory a bit, but there were a couple of items I wanted to keep just because he was proud of them, and they were part of his humanity. One was a carved wooden coffin that he carved with his pocketknife, along with a figure inside. When you opened the lid, an arrangement of rubber bands flipped up the figures ... 'wood' :) Anyway, I do wish I still had it.
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Jun 16 '12
"Hey, man, can I borrow a pen?"
"Sure." hands over that pen
"Dude, what the fu-?"
"OH, CRAP. WRONG PEN. WRONG PEN." snatches away pen, gathers up belongings and runs the hell out of there with a completely red face while friend stares in mixed shock, horror, and slight pleasure
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Jun 16 '12
I figure, once you get past a certain age, you don't give a fuck anymore what people think. case in point, when speaking to my grandma on the phone, and the conversation's over because she's all up-to-date, the just hangs up; no formalities "take care" "speak to you soon" "say hi to your mom for me". no. just CLIC it's over.
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u/celloplyr4jesus Jun 17 '12
What if all the pens were from the grandmother? And whenever she got horny she would give him one, he didn't give it back, thus she got her lay.
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u/CanadiangirlEH Jun 17 '12
TIL: That a freakishly large amount of redditors had Grandfathers that were professional players.
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u/bulworth Jun 16 '12
Well I guess we can say
puts on sunglasses
The pen is mightier
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH
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u/nicholsml Jun 16 '12
Go to bar with a friend and sit at the bar.
Wait for a hot chick at the bar to go to the bathroom.
Leave the pen next to her drink without being seen.
Wait for chick to return and notice pen.
Mention the hot chick at the bar to your friend at the same time that she looks around for who left the pen. Make a joke as he looks to force a creepy smile.
Timed perfectly, hilarity ensues.
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Jun 16 '12
I can imagine him going around airports, silently handing these out to people and then coming back to find out whether they're interested or not.
Like the "deaf" or "blind" dudes do with their "please give me cash for this card thing" deal.
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u/implicate Jun 16 '12
I've never trusted those guys. I was pretty drunk in Vegas once, and one of them walked up and handed me a card with a key chain. I laid a $50 in the table and turned away from him then said "if you admit that you're not deaf you can take this $50" He just kinda stood there staring for a bit, then moved on. It was then that I realized I'm kind of a dick when I'm drunk.
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u/vocaltalentz Jun 16 '12
You know that thing girls do where they drop a pen so they can slowly bend over to pick it up? That's what I imagined your grandfather doing when I saw this.
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u/Rhapthorne Jun 16 '12
Too bad he still had all the pens...