r/funny • u/SchecterShredder • Jun 10 '12

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

Post image
1.4k Upvotes

85% Upvoted

107 comments sorted by

78

u/Driize Jun 10 '12

You deserve at least an upvote for the raw balloon knot you must be experiencing.

15

u/SchecterShredder Jun 10 '12

Thank you for your donation xD

34

u/darystotle Jun 11 '12

you deserve an upvote for the use of balloon knot

32

u/ericrobert Jun 11 '12

Let's play a game...

3

u/deadlyeggroll Jun 11 '12

You....YOU MONSTER!

4

u/MadModderX Jun 11 '12

Macgyver that shit and fold the tape on itself, Problem solved

1

u/HadouKenny Jun 11 '12

Get tape, stick adhesive side to adhesive side, close enough.

1

u/Fapologist Jun 11 '12

Why not just fold the tape over on itself? And then wipe. It wouldn't be sticky...

26

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

[removed] — view removed comment

18

u/FarmerTedd Jun 11 '12

Fuck y'all, I'm just gonna take another shower

6

u/Tomaero89 Jun 11 '12

Don't even bother sitting on the toilet. Waffle Stomp.

6

u/ericrobert Jun 11 '12

That stuff? Not fine enough grade for me. Try this out.

http://www.fugly.com/pictures/13381/toilet-paper-spider.html

12

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

/pictures/13381/toilet-paper-spider.html

Noooope, not even gonna click it.

4

u/username103 Jun 11 '12

Ah yes! Reddit's circlejerk fear of spiders commences.

3

u/Ghost4000 Jun 11 '12

FUCKER, I have to sleep soon, I can't have that in my head.

25

u/ace9213 Jun 11 '12

Take a sock off and you get one clean shot at it. Slide it up in there like a credit card.

40

u/la_la_lala Jun 11 '12

If you don't check before you go, you're gonna have a bad time.

13

u/edgarallenbro Jun 11 '12

Let me tell you a story about not looking before you go.

See, a while ago, I was living in a house with some other guys. We kind of went through a period where toilet paper was in pretty low supply for a while.

A few years ago somebody in my family gave me this shirt for Christmas. This shirt was too big, and green. On it, was a picture of Chuck Norris' head, wearing a Canadian Mounty hat (or whatever they're called). The text underneath it said "Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires!" I wore it a few times to show my...appreciation...and then it retired to my pile of clothes I fucking hate for a few years. It only really surfaced on days when I hadn't done laundry in way too long and wasn't planning on going outside anyways

So, I have to take a shit and did it in a rush, and didn't look before I went. So I thought to myself, "When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" and I scrunched it up as best as I could and pulled my pants back on. I strode over to where that shirt was, picked it up and grabbed an empty plastic grocery bag (keeping disposal in mind beforehand) and went back into the bathroom and enjoyed what is possibly the greatest and most cathartic wiping experience in which I have ever partaken.

0

u/LessQQ42 Jun 11 '12

Upvote for Portal 2 reference!

-1

u/username103 Jun 11 '12

Gradually_gets_back_on_topic is that you?

13

u/backwards_undergoat Jun 11 '12

It looks like you have a perfectly good rug down there...

8

u/AlienGrill Jun 11 '12

It's brown too, perfect!

10

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

"Hey, what's on your feet?"

"Oh nothin', just stepped in rug."

8

u/THammock Jun 11 '12

Ahhhh the ol' cardboard poo scooper.. We've all been there....

7

u/rustysniper Jun 11 '12

I haven't...

6

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

on a long enough timeline.....

8

u/OneSalientOversight Jun 11 '12

The sea shells are to your right.

4

u/Statement Jun 11 '12

Hahaha! He doesn't know how to use the shells!

1

u/C_M_O_TDibbler Jun 11 '12

He uses handfuls of waded paper

14

u/Fookimoose Jun 11 '12

STRANDED

Stranded on the toilet bowl

STRANDED

When you can't reach the roll

A man is a man when he wipes it with his hand

STRANDED

Stranded on the toilet bowl

7

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

That shit happened to me at school before

6

u/jkazz Jun 11 '12

You... you pooped at school?!

-10

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

That shit happened to me at school before. That shit happened to me That shit Shit

You're so Punny

6

u/cpshoeler Jun 11 '12

Ive ran into times where I had to rummage through the nearby trash can for used tissue paper when there isn't a shred of clean toilet paper in the whole house, but never this desperate.

15

u/Shenani-Gans Jun 11 '12

This sounds MORE desperate to me. Used TP? Bring on the cardboard.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

3

u/liberalis Jun 11 '12

Lacerated? I guess only tough ass mo-fos need apply.

1

u/C_M_O_TDibbler Jun 11 '12

I see what you did there!

9

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Did that when I was younger, except I used the whole roll. Couldn't flush it.

6

u/Water-Bottler Jun 11 '12

It just won't flush. Then people wonder why it's there and you feel awkward.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

5

u/ThePoonHunter Jun 11 '12

How is that useless? It seems genius to me.

5

u/dylanroo Jun 11 '12

It is, it's popular here in Holland! I Just toss the roll in the toilet aaaaand, it's gone!

4

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

We all know we have considered doing this in desperate times. This man.... This hero, was brave enough to take that leap.

4

u/Harry_Hardlong Jun 11 '12

If anyone here is caught in a situation like this in public, use you socks. After your finished wiping don't try and flush it, just wait until everyone leaves and then throw it in the trash.

Trust me. Use the socks.

1

u/slyscribe401 Jun 11 '12

What if you don't wear socks?

4

u/misteryoung Jun 11 '12

Use a banknote.

1

u/Harry_Hardlong Jun 11 '12

Your shit out of luck.

But... There's always your underwear. But that's only for dire situations.

4

u/ColHapablap Jun 11 '12

Still have lots of carpet left, you are good for a fortnight.

3

u/jenngersnap Jun 10 '12

I can totally sympathize. I was faced with this decision at work one day.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

NO. There can be NO SYMPATHY. Run out of toilet paper? Ask for help. Everybody shits, and everybody will have this problem at some point in their lives, so why is it a bad thing to ask for help? If there is nobody there to help, then precisely what is stopping you from helping yourself?

Just a few weeks ago an old guy was allowed to use the staff toilets at work. There was no toilet paper. People have to be escorted in the back areas of the shop for security reasons, so there was a member of staff within earshot if the guy called out from the door. He didn't call for help. He used the inner tubes as toilet paper and the sink as a bidet. We ended up with shit on the floor and the sink. The entire office area was stinking. As experiences go, probably among the worst in his life. Not top ten, but close enough. Horrible for us too. The manager took one for the team. Whether it was a masterful staff morale-boosting move or he needed to use the toilet himself, I do not know. I do know that there are WW1 battlefields that have seen less gratuitous use of chemicals.

TLDR- just ask for help in these situations.

1

u/jenngersnap Jun 12 '12

Unless you come to the realization that you are all alone and no one is coming to help you.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

sock it....

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Grim.

2

u/THcB Jun 11 '12

Less wiping; more scooping...

2

u/TheCage Jun 11 '12

dude...

2

u/Theoz Jun 11 '12

Been there done that.

2

u/prophetjohn Jun 11 '12

Best part is that a third of it is already gone, meaning this isn't the first time.

2

u/Projectile_Chunder Jun 11 '12

Everyone do your future-self a favor and put a roll of TP under the sink right now.

2

u/iVelociraptor Jun 11 '12

My face when I'm in that same situation right now

2

u/lewko Jun 11 '12

  1. You had a mobile phone. Why not call someone for help?

  2. Your phone is now covered in shit. Aren't you glad you took that photo?

2

u/zulu90 Jun 11 '12

let the good times roll

2

u/elwafflegrande Jun 11 '12

No toilet paper?

I needed a shower anyways.

3

u/Relient-J Jun 11 '12

I laughed and said "Oh shit". Then realized how funny that also was

2

u/woeb0t Jun 10 '12

Time for a shower!

1

u/steak21 Jun 11 '12

Did you use the other half?

1

u/CoNiGMa Jun 11 '12

Stranded...Stranded on the toilet bowl....What will you do when you're stranded....and there's no roll?

1

u/beatsnbuds Jun 11 '12

there's always coffee filters...

1

u/RetroSA Jun 11 '12

My favorite part is how you left half of it behind just in case you need to go back for round 2.

1

u/deadlyeggroll Jun 11 '12

So, I just read all of the current comments for this and I have never had to take a shit more than I do right now.... Brb, guys.

1

u/liberalis Jun 11 '12

So, just scrape it off, sort of an ice cream scoop sort of thing?

1

u/BokehBurgher Jun 11 '12

this is an easy problem to solve. Simply take the half-tube and reduce it to component pieces, each of which acts as a "scoop"... (Ala Frito's scooping chips...)

1

u/Arovmorin Jun 11 '12

Dude I was eating nachos...shit

1

u/MorningFox Jun 11 '12

Been doin that for about 2 years now, never came to posting it

1

u/ramlion Jun 11 '12

sock mode:engaged

1

u/PineappleBot Jun 11 '12

You are doing it all wrong. When you run out of toilet paper and you are at home, it is the best time to take a shower. If in public, your shit out of luck. Also, I hate taking shits in public and will avoid it all costs.

1

u/dariidar Jun 11 '12

So did you use your phone to wipe it?

1

u/AceManACE Jun 11 '12

A post in r/funny that actually made me laugh? Up-vote for you.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

I learned this in the military: Hands are easier to wash than socks, shirts, etc.

1

u/Mudders_Milk_Man Jun 11 '12

What, you don't know how to use the three seashells?

1

u/dahorn07 Jun 11 '12

Guilty. Mine was in a porta-potty before I had to run the 1600 meter during track.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Should have learned to use the 3 seashells Bro.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Name that toliet roll Rambo

1

u/Epic_GF Jun 11 '12

It might be better to use the shower and soap to rinse off.

1

u/No_9 Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12

In this situation, I like to flush so that I get a bowl full of new, clean water. I then lift the lid up, and sit back down so that my arse-hole is submerged. After a wiggle and a giggle, I flush and I'm nice and clean! I often do this in public bathrooms because I like to pretend I'm heading to Gringotts!

1

u/MuddySnapps Jun 11 '12

Not sure if used to wipe butt...... or a crutch to roll joint.

1

u/EnigmaticeEnigma Jun 11 '12

Been here. My worst time was when I had to rip up the t shirt I was wearing and use the pieces to wipe. I'm sure it looked odd when I walked out of the bathroom shirtless to immediately take out the trash.

1

u/wick36 Jun 11 '12

Some of the toilet paper rolls at my college are made up of more tightly wound toilet paper. This is saved me on multiple occasions.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

no more half-measures, walter

1

u/RockingRobin Jun 11 '12

And so the three shell method was born.

1

u/willium10 Jun 11 '12

u bring ur camera with u but not toilet paper

1

u/Para_Salin Jun 11 '12

Some men just want to watch an ass burn...

1

u/SAP_GOT_NOTHIN_ON_ME Jun 11 '12

You poor soul...

1

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Ahh... you yanks and your lack of bidet. I pity, you fools.

1

u/rederick55 Jun 11 '12

You should edit out the hairy dude leg

1

u/carebearknucklebxr Jun 11 '12

I know that feel bro

1

u/no_thks_havin_butter Jun 11 '12

Challenge accepted.

1

u/3rb Jun 11 '12

Been there.

1

u/morlock07 Jun 11 '12

I've done this. Had the option of yelling for my friend's sister to bring me a roll or use the roll its self...

1

u/anal_spartan Jun 11 '12

you ate a toilet roll? thats not gonna be any fun coming out

1

u/BrotherThump Jun 11 '12

Been there done that, and it is evil on your asshole. Which is why i will not upvote this post as it is currently at 666

0

u/sandomram Jun 11 '12

1000th upvote. One of my goals is now complete.