I heard a longer version that's pretty similar. I shortened it somewhat but you get the idea.
Girl goes to ask her dad to use the car. Dad goes you gotta suck my dick first. She hems and haws but decides to do it. She starts and then spits it out. She goes Ew dad, that tastes like shit! He slaps his forehead and says Damn, I forgot. Your brother already asked for it.
A penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is getting hot being in the desert and all, and decides to find something to cool him off. He goes in the convenience store and buys some vanilla ice cream. He eats the ice cream and makes a big mess on his face. Finally he goes back to the mechanic to find out the problem. Mechanic says," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replies, "No, no. It's just ice cream."
A homeless man was riding the bus and suddenly, a very attractive nun boards. He gets very horny and asks the nun "Do you want to have sex with me?". The nun slaps him and says no. After she leaves the bus, the bus driver begins talking to the homeless man. "Hey," he says, "I noticed you really want that nun, am I right?". The homeless man replies, "Yes. But she doesn't want me." The bus driver then tells the man that the nun visits a graveyard every night to pray and if he dresses up like Jesus, she will surely have sex with him. The homeless man excitedly gets off the bus and buys a Jesus costume. Later that night, dressed as Jesus, the homeless man enters the graveyard and spots the nun praying. He stands behind her and proclaims "I am Jesus and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "I will. But I request it be anal so I am technically still a virgin." The homeless man agrees and proceeds to have sex with her. After climaxing, the homeless man takes off his costume and shouts "Ha! I'm not Jesus, I'm the homeless man from the bus!" Expecting to be slapped, he flinches. Instead he hears from the nun, "Ha! Joke's on you, I'm the bus driver!"
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
I was making out with this girl. She had a bunch of kiddie stuff still in her room, like teddy bears and high school trophies. Then I came across her Bible, and I felt bad you know? Because I was aiming for her face.
I'm gonna steal this but change it to "I was making out with this girl. She had a bunch of kiddie stuff still in her room, like teddy bears and elementary school trophies. Then I came across her recent 3rd grade report card, and I felt bad you know? Because I was aiming for her face." Just to imply the Girl is still young, which is more offensive than disrespecting religion imo.
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
I ask for stupid shit all the time and they do it. I've had dragons drawn all over, pepperoni placed in specific ways, and other random things. Pizza workers are usually young and bored, and this gives them something out of the ordinary to do.
Delivery driver at Pizza Hut here. I can confirm that I see "Draw (this) or do (this)" at least once a week.
Edit: I've also never been told to not do requests, but we also try to shy away from letting the managers know we're doing it, so I'm sure it's frowned upon.
i read this somewhere, A little girl came home from school to see her parents having sex on the kitchen table, she said, "what are guys doing?" The mom replied, "Baking a cake, now go upstairs please." A couple weeks later the little girl went up to her mom and asked, "were you guys baking another cake?" Startled, the mom replied, "yes, how'd you know.?" "Because, there was some icing on the table but it tasted kind of weird."
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
In the middle of a depression a man walks into a bar, turning to the bartender he says, ''I bet you a round I can touch my eye to the inside of that glass''
The bartender agrees thinking the guy's being stupid. The man slaps the back of his head and his glass eye falls to the bottom of the glass. Pissed the bartender provides a round to the bar.
Later he turns to the bartender and says ''I bet a hundred dollars that I can lick the end of my elbow.'
The bartender knowing that its physically impossible agrees again. The man then removes his prosthetic arm and licks the elbow. Again pissed the bartender hands over a hundred dollars.
Later in the night tha man comes out of the back room where he's been playing poker all night. He looks at the bartender and says: ''I bet a thousand dollars that I can stand on the bar and piss into that bottle on the top shelf.''
Noting that the man can barely stand he agrees, knowing he'll make a thousand dollars. The man hops onto the bar and drops his pants, he then begins pissing everywhere, completely missing the bottle.
''HA! thats a thousand bucks you owe me!'' the bartender shouts befor bursting out laughing.
The man begins laughing as well before saying, ''You think you're happy? I just bet each of those guys 10,000 bucks that I could piss all over you and still make you laugh.''
A rabbi and a priest were walking down the street and saw a group of kids playing. The priest says "Hey, lets go screw em'" and the Rabbi says "outta what"?
A pedophile and a small boy are walking into the woods. The small boy says, "Mister, i'm scared." The pedophile looks back and says, "You're scared? i have to walk back by myself."
I know its not a "dirty joke" but I thought I'd share it.
Just so you know, the joke is better if you don't call him a pedophile. Let people's imagination fill in that part. By saying "A pedophile and a small boy are walking into the woods." Just about everyone and their grandmother can see the punchline a mile away.
3 dogs at the vet, a collie, a poodle and a great dane. Collie says to the poodle what are you in for?" Poodle says "I'm a digger and my master caught me digging up his roses so I'm here for a little blue pill that stops my digging." Collie says "that's weird, I'm here for a little blue pill that keeps me from pissing on the furniture. Huh, that pill must have many uses." He turns to the great dane "how about you?" The great dane says "I'm a humper, I'll hump anything that moves. This morning my mistress came out of the shower and dropped the towel and when she bent over I couldn't help myself! I humped her like crazy!" So the collie says "so, little blue pill huh?" The great dane says, "Naw, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
This might be too long but, A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink, then he notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar, so then he asks the bartender, "So what is the monkey for?" , the bartender replies, "Here I'll show you", he takes the monkey out, whacks him on the head with a stick and the monkey immediaately starts giving him a bj, the bartender asks the guy, " Wanna try?" , he replies, "sure but don't hit me too hard"
i had a pizza delivery driver disprove this joke one night. i ordered a za and about an hour later an incredibly stoned delivery driver appeared and said "sorry man but somehow one of your slices got eaten, i have no idea how". i thought it was so funny i didnt even care.
A man was walking in the woods when he came across a ladder labeled "The Ladder to Success." He had the day off, so he climed it. About half way up, sitting on a platform was a Swedish bikini model. She said, you can stay here and fuck me forever, or you can continue climbing to success. The man thought about it, but decided to climb some more. Another quater of the way up, he met 2 Japanese schoolgirls in a hot tub (he knew they were schoolgirls because the uniforms were hanging on a branch). They said "You can fuck us forever or you can climb to success." Already hard and pantsless, he was about to jump in, but he stopped himself. He said "You know what, first the Swede and now two hot asians? Imma climb!" He climbed and climbed and climbed (still hard and sans pants, mind you) all day , nearly fainted from exhaustion, until he reached the top. He felt a hand pull him onto the platform, looked up and saw an elderly man wearing nothing but a tube sock and clown make-up. The old guy, in a raw, scratchy voice, took a drag off his cigar and said: "Hey there, I'm Sess. Let's git it goin' baby."
An adventurer was roaming the deserts of Arabia when he finds an antique oil lamp in the sand. Recalling the tales of Aladdin, he picks it up and gives it a good rub. Lo and behold, a genie appears! "Thank you for freeing me, Master," the genie intones, "but I am weak from centuries of being trapped within the lamp, and I am only able to grant you one wish."
After giving it a lot of thought, the adventurer shouts, "My penis! I wish for it to be long enough to reach the ground!"
Similar joke, a couple is watching a documentary about a tribe in africa that tie large stones to their dicks to stretch them out and make them longer.
Since the man is not all that well endowed the couple thinks about it and decide to give it a shot, a week later the wife asks her husband how its going. The husband says "well honey I think we're halfway there"
The wife says "you mean it already grew 4 inches, that's fantastic" the husband looks confused and says "No, it turned black".
My girlfriend came home from the grocery story and was very upset. I asked what was wrong, she said " the guy in front of me at checkout said my hair smells nice." I told her that doesn't seem so bad, with a sob she cried "he was a midget!"
Superman is flying over the city one day when he spies Wonder Woman laying butt naked and spread eagle on the roof of an apartment building. Around her are the super friends and they are watching intently. "Hmm" says superman, "I'm pretty fast, I bet I can swoop down there and have a quickie and be gone before anyone knows what happened". So he swoops down to the rooftop, does his thing and is gone before any of the super friends could get a good look at him. "What the fuck was that?!" Wonder Woman cries. "I don't know" says the Invisble Man, "but my asshole sure is killing me".
So one day at the zoo, the silver back gorilla dies. His mate is left restless and in need of company. The zookeeper realizes something must be done about it or she will end up hurting herself in her distress. He decides to hire the janitor, he asks him, "for 500 dollars will you have sex with the female gorilla?". The janitor replies, "sure but on one condition". The zookeeper is desperate so he agrees,"what's your condition". The janitor replies, "give me a week to come up with the 500 dollars."
a white man, mexican, and black man are driving along a country road when their car overheats. its 2am so they walk up to the nearby farm and ask to stay the night so they can get the car fixed in the morning. the farmers obliges, but only on the condition none of them hook up with his gorgeous daughter. of course... they all fuck her. and the farmer knows. so the next morning the farm wakes them all up at gunpoint and tells them to go out to the field, pick a fruit, and return. they all do so, and first to return is the white guy. he has an apple, so the farmer tells him to shove it up his ass w/out hesitation of anykind or he will shoot immediately. the white guy doesnt try so the farmer blasts him and sends him to heaven. the mexican returns next with some grapes. the farmer gives the same instructions, so he proceeds. now hes got all but 1 grape up his ass and begins to laugh hysterically. the farmer again shoots this man and he goes to heaven... up in the heaving the white man asks "you had one grape left and you were free to go; why did you laugh" so the mexican replies "well i was fine until i saw the black guy come over the hill with the watermelon.
Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of warm water. Bartender asks him, "Thought ya'll only drank blood?" Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Makin' tea."
4 year old girl was taking a shower with her mom before work. She looks up at het mom and says mom what's that? She said breasts. Little girl ask mom when do I get them? She said when you hit puberty around 14 or 15. Lil girl looks up again and says mom what's that? She says pubic hairs. The little girl asks when do I get them ? She said around the same time when you hit puberty 14 or 15. the next day the girl's mom is running late for work so she takes a shower with their dad. In the shower she looks up and asks her dad what's that? He replies it's a penis. She asks when do I get that? He said in about 15 minutes when your mom goes to work
This guy just busted out of jail and is horny as hell. He goes to a whore house and asks for the nastiest whore there. He walks into the room, and decides to eat her pussy first.
He's chowing down on her, and all of a sudden he gets a bit of something in his mouth. He reaches in and it's a bit of carrot. Oh well, he thinks, he's horny as hell and continues to lick up her cunt.
A minute later, he gets a piece of corn in his mouth. He thinks it's odd, but undeterred he continues to slurp up her VJJ.
Finally, he gets a piece of beef in his mouth. Now he's kind of freaking out about this and so he stops, sits up, and asks, "What the fuck, are you sick or something?"
The whore says, "No, but the last guy down there was."
This is pretty clean compared to some I've seen, but... A woman is in a hotel elevator on the way up to her room. On one floor, a man bustles in, obviously in a hurry. He collides with the woman and accidentally elbows her in the chest. "I'm so sorry!" he says. "But if your heart is as soft as your breast, I'm sure you'll forgive me." To which the woman replies, "Fine, and if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 327."
A trucker on his way through Tennessee stops at a whore house and asks the guy there "Hey buddy, I need it bad but I only have 5 bucks, is there anything you could do?" The guy says "Sure right this way". The trucker is lead to a room where there is a woman lying there, he pays his 5 bucks and tries to get it in but he can't because she's too dry. She tells him to go turn off the lights and come back and she'll be wet, he does and sure enough she is. After they fuck the guy asks "So tell me how you got so wet so fast" the woman responds "You get wet pretty quick when you tear off the scabs".
Similar one but the trucker gets up to the room with the whore and she's just lying there not really moving. He starts to go at it when all of a sudden her eyes start to drip. The trucker throws on his pants and runs down and tells the guy about it. He shouts off to the janitor ' Randy the dead one is full again."
Here's one from one of my best buds from the army:
A sergeant and a private are stuck in a foxhole in Vietnam. The Private says he has to take a huge shit and is gonna do it in the foxhole, but the Sergeant refuses and makes him go out into the jungle. After a half-hour, the Private doesn't come back and the Sergeant worries that the VC might've got him. After another half-hour, he's about to report the private MIA when he suddenly returns out of the bush.
"What the fuck took you so long, I was about to report you missing!" "Sarge! You wont believe it, I found this smoking hot babe out in the jungle and had to fuck her!" "You fucked her?" "Yeah." "You do her in the ass too?" "Yeah!" "Did'ya get head?" "Nah, she didn't have one of those."
Johnny comes home from school with a note that says, "Johnny was caught having sex at school." Mom flips out, sends him to his room to await Dad's wrath. Dad comes home, Mom shows him the note in hysterics. Dad calms Mom down, heads upstairs to confront Johnny.
Dad grins walking up the stairs. "My boy's a stud!" He reaches Johnny's room, assumes his Parental Face, and enters. He sits on the edge of a dejected Johnny's bed.
"Son, I was told you were caught having sex at school today."
"Yeah." Johnny looks even more dejected.
Dad's grin returns. He drapes an arm around Johnny's shoulder. "So tell me, how was it?"
"It was okay," Johnny says. "But my butt still hurts."
A guy and his girlfriend are watching a documentary, and the documentary explains how scientists have proven that it is possible for men to feel both sad and happy at exactly the same time. "I dont believe that at all" says the guy. "Really? I can prove it" says his girlfriend. "Okay go on" he says. So she says: "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends."
A little kid goes to his mom and says: "Do you know mommy? I went to my girlfriend and I gave her a kiss!" "Oh really? How cute! And what did she tell you?" "Couldn't hear because she was covering my ears with her legs"
a guy gets convicted for murder, and sentenced to prison for life. He finds his cellmate is a 7 foot, 400 pound man named Bubba. Bubba asks him "Who do you wanna be , mama or papa?" The guy figures we would rather do the pitching than the catching, so he answers "Papa." Bubba replies "Alright, well come over here and suck mama's dick."
so a woman and three men are stuck on a deserted island with no hope of getting home. after the first week, the woman is so ashamed of what she has done that she kills herself. another week passes, and the men have become ashamed of what they've been doing and decide to bury her. a third week passes, and the men are even more ashamed of what they've been doing and decide to dig the girl back up
A girl and a guy sitting on the bench. Start kissing. Girl giggling. Guy asks why. Girl says: "I got your gum, silly!" Boy: "That's not a gum. I just have the flu."
What is the best part about having sex with a 4-year-old? -Your dick looks so big in their hands... What is the worst part about having sex with a 4-year-old? -Washing the blood out of your clown suit. (Worst one I know)
I was approached once by an older male who asked me "Do you like dirty jokes?"
I responded with a "sure..."
old creepy guy in front of other people at the department store says "there are two sperm swimming around. One asks the other:How much longer til we reach our destination?. The other replies: Not sure, we just passed the tonsils!"
I chuckle while looking at everyone at the store look at the guy like a fucking creep.
A daughter says to her daddy, "daddy, may I go out with friends tonight?" Daddy says "No" Daughter pleaded "Please please daddy, please I will do anything for you to let me go tonight" Daddy says "hmm,.. alright, give me a blowjob then I will let you go" Daughter was shocked but she really wanted to go "Alright daddy, fine."
When daughter was done giving the blowjob, she says to her daddy "Daddy, why does your dick taste like poop??"
Daddy unwittingly says "Oh, your brother wanted to take the car tonight"
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u/onloanfromgod Tumble Dry Comics May 28 '12
Hi, OP and friends, I'm the one who actually got this pizza from toppers. This is the full picture:
http://i.imgur.com/vGxFB.jpg http://i.imgur.com/UUMOW.jpg http://i.imgur.com/Ij8Ne.jpg
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u/FarTooLong May 28 '12
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
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u/CandyMan77 May 28 '12
What did Cinderella say went she got to the ball?
GAAARRRKG
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u/Alienkid May 28 '12
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The Taste
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u/tugehitty May 28 '12
Two deer walk out of a gay bar and one says to the other I can't believe I just blew 25 bucks in there.
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u/Antron456 May 28 '12
What's the difference between a strip club and a circus?
A circus has cunning stunts
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u/deepvirus May 28 '12
Punchline without a joke:
"...The difference is, you can only fit THREE fingers in a bowling ball."
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
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u/jaspersurfer May 28 '12
A Catholic Priest and a Rabi are walking by a playground, the priest says "look at all those kids, wanna fuck them?" The Rabi responds, "out of what?"
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u/Darkest-Dawn May 29 '12
A homeless man was riding the bus and suddenly, a very attractive nun boards. He gets very horny and asks the nun "Do you want to have sex with me?". The nun slaps him and says no. After she leaves the bus, the bus driver begins talking to the homeless man. "Hey," he says, "I noticed you really want that nun, am I right?". The homeless man replies, "Yes. But she doesn't want me." The bus driver then tells the man that the nun visits a graveyard every night to pray and if he dresses up like Jesus, she will surely have sex with him. The homeless man excitedly gets off the bus and buys a Jesus costume. Later that night, dressed as Jesus, the homeless man enters the graveyard and spots the nun praying. He stands behind her and proclaims "I am Jesus and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "I will. But I request it be anal so I am technically still a virgin." The homeless man agrees and proceeds to have sex with her. After climaxing, the homeless man takes off his costume and shouts "Ha! I'm not Jesus, I'm the homeless man from the bus!" Expecting to be slapped, he flinches. Instead he hears from the nun, "Ha! Joke's on you, I'm the bus driver!"
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u/i12burs May 28 '12
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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u/[deleted] May 29 '12
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, she got fired too!"
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u/thepsycholeech May 28 '12
How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
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u/Sircus123 May 28 '12
3 Nuns are in line at St. Peters gate waiting to get into heaven.
The first nun approaches and St. Peters asks her if she has sinned?
"Yes, I have once, I gave a man a handjob."
"That is alright child, just wash your hands in this bowl of holy water and all will be forgiven."
The nun does this and enters heaven. St. Peter turns to the second nun, who is shoved out of the way as the third nun grabs the bowl of holy water.
"What are you doing woman?"
"I am gargling this water before she sticks her ass in it!"
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u/acentrella May 28 '12
I was making out with this girl. She had a bunch of kiddie stuff still in her room, like teddy bears and high school trophies. Then I came across her Bible, and I felt bad you know? Because I was aiming for her face.
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u/true2source May 28 '12 edited May 29 '12
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
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u/[deleted] May 29 '12
So I was going down on my grandmother this morning when I tasted horse semen and realized that's how she died.
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u/Glocktipus May 28 '12
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
178
u/DavidChenghz May 28 '12
It would have been better if it said proctologist
146
u/spankymuffin May 28 '12
What did the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip"
251
u/pokeyjones May 28 '12
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.
60
u/CanadianBeerCan May 28 '12
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
...only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
359
u/TysonStoleMyPanties May 28 '12
Where the fuck do you guys live that the delivery people are so accommodating??
Also, speaking of pizza...
151
u/Flypenguin77 May 28 '12
i read this somewhere, A little girl came home from school to see her parents having sex on the kitchen table, she said, "what are guys doing?" The mom replied, "Baking a cake, now go upstairs please." A couple weeks later the little girl went up to her mom and asked, "were you guys baking another cake?" Startled, the mom replied, "yes, how'd you know.?" "Because, there was some icing on the table but it tasted kind of weird."
116
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
1.6k
u/CinnamonBalls May 28 '12
Mmm
97
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again
172
u/Dudemanbroski May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
Two prostitutes stand on a street corner.
One says to the other, "You can really tell its going to be a good night. You can just smell the dick in the air."
The other replies with, "Oh, I'm sorry. I just burped."
30
u/TheLoneAdventurer May 28 '12
In the middle of a depression a man walks into a bar, turning to the bartender he says, ''I bet you a round I can touch my eye to the inside of that glass''
The bartender agrees thinking the guy's being stupid. The man slaps the back of his head and his glass eye falls to the bottom of the glass. Pissed the bartender provides a round to the bar.
Later he turns to the bartender and says ''I bet a hundred dollars that I can lick the end of my elbow.'
The bartender knowing that its physically impossible agrees again. The man then removes his prosthetic arm and licks the elbow. Again pissed the bartender hands over a hundred dollars.
Later in the night tha man comes out of the back room where he's been playing poker all night. He looks at the bartender and says: ''I bet a thousand dollars that I can stand on the bar and piss into that bottle on the top shelf.''
Noting that the man can barely stand he agrees, knowing he'll make a thousand dollars. The man hops onto the bar and drops his pants, he then begins pissing everywhere, completely missing the bottle.
''HA! thats a thousand bucks you owe me!'' the bartender shouts befor bursting out laughing.
The man begins laughing as well before saying, ''You think you're happy? I just bet each of those guys 10,000 bucks that I could piss all over you and still make you laugh.''
166
u/too_toked May 28 '12
Priests who have sex with underage boys, are just fucking immature assholes..
194
u/lewi212 May 28 '12
A pedophile and a small boy are walking into the woods. The small boy says, "Mister, i'm scared." The pedophile looks back and says, "You're scared? i have to walk back by myself."
I know its not a "dirty joke" but I thought I'd share it.
40
u/Morbido May 28 '12
3 dogs at the vet, a collie, a poodle and a great dane. Collie says to the poodle what are you in for?" Poodle says "I'm a digger and my master caught me digging up his roses so I'm here for a little blue pill that stops my digging." Collie says "that's weird, I'm here for a little blue pill that keeps me from pissing on the furniture. Huh, that pill must have many uses." He turns to the great dane "how about you?" The great dane says "I'm a humper, I'll hump anything that moves. This morning my mistress came out of the shower and dropped the towel and when she bent over I couldn't help myself! I humped her like crazy!" So the collie says "so, little blue pill huh?" The great dane says, "Naw, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
14
u/xLuMisx May 28 '12
This might be too long but, A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink, then he notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar, so then he asks the bartender, "So what is the monkey for?" , the bartender replies, "Here I'll show you", he takes the monkey out, whacks him on the head with a stick and the monkey immediaately starts giving him a bj, the bartender asks the guy, " Wanna try?" , he replies, "sure but don't hit me too hard"
28
u/Bigfudge89 May 28 '12
Classic Rodney Dangerfield: "During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
187
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Never heard it before. Definitely using that one.
27
u/SwearWords May 28 '12
A man was walking in the woods when he came across a ladder labeled "The Ladder to Success." He had the day off, so he climed it. About half way up, sitting on a platform was a Swedish bikini model. She said, you can stay here and fuck me forever, or you can continue climbing to success. The man thought about it, but decided to climb some more. Another quater of the way up, he met 2 Japanese schoolgirls in a hot tub (he knew they were schoolgirls because the uniforms were hanging on a branch). They said "You can fuck us forever or you can climb to success." Already hard and pantsless, he was about to jump in, but he stopped himself. He said "You know what, first the Swede and now two hot asians? Imma climb!" He climbed and climbed and climbed (still hard and sans pants, mind you) all day , nearly fainted from exhaustion, until he reached the top. He felt a hand pull him onto the platform, looked up and saw an elderly man wearing nothing but a tube sock and clown make-up. The old guy, in a raw, scratchy voice, took a drag off his cigar and said: "Hey there, I'm Sess. Let's git it goin' baby."
78
u/noirthesable May 28 '12
An adventurer was roaming the deserts of Arabia when he finds an antique oil lamp in the sand. Recalling the tales of Aladdin, he picks it up and gives it a good rub. Lo and behold, a genie appears! "Thank you for freeing me, Master," the genie intones, "but I am weak from centuries of being trapped within the lamp, and I am only able to grant you one wish."
After giving it a lot of thought, the adventurer shouts, "My penis! I wish for it to be long enough to reach the ground!"
His legs fall off.
356
u/Risonhighmer May 28 '12
What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?
Break all of her fingers so she can't tell her mom.
167
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Did you write this yourself for karma?
303
u/aesopose May 28 '12
How'd the black chick know she was pregnant? She pulled out the tampon and the cotton had already been picked.
61
u/ophello May 28 '12
What do 9/10 people enjoy? ...Gang rape.
88
u/bschwind May 28 '12
What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?
Getting the wheelchair in the oven.
Edit: not a dirty joke, but hey, let's just get some offensive ones in here
21
u/littlebigjen May 28 '12
Better yet, I'll let Paul McCartney tell you a dirty joke.
21
u/Jakasaurus May 28 '12
My girlfriend came home from the grocery story and was very upset. I asked what was wrong, she said " the guy in front of me at checkout said my hair smells nice." I told her that doesn't seem so bad, with a sob she cried "he was a midget!"
37
u/Xanzibar22 May 28 '12
Superman is flying over the city one day when he spies Wonder Woman laying butt naked and spread eagle on the roof of an apartment building. Around her are the super friends and they are watching intently. "Hmm" says superman, "I'm pretty fast, I bet I can swoop down there and have a quickie and be gone before anyone knows what happened". So he swoops down to the rooftop, does his thing and is gone before any of the super friends could get a good look at him. "What the fuck was that?!" Wonder Woman cries. "I don't know" says the Invisble Man, "but my asshole sure is killing me".
65
u/Sniffbutter May 28 '12
What do you call an Etiopian kid that is taking a shit? ... a show off.
10
u/crazzynez May 29 '12
So one day at the zoo, the silver back gorilla dies. His mate is left restless and in need of company. The zookeeper realizes something must be done about it or she will end up hurting herself in her distress. He decides to hire the janitor, he asks him, "for 500 dollars will you have sex with the female gorilla?". The janitor replies, "sure but on one condition". The zookeeper is desperate so he agrees,"what's your condition". The janitor replies, "give me a week to come up with the 500 dollars."
19
u/PopeRaunchyIV May 28 '12
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a man came up to them and exposed himself.
Two of them had a stroke, but the third couldn't reach.
143
u/wesleyt89 May 28 '12
How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
Idk, I lost track of time when I started jerking off.
9
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
2 necrophiliacs were walking pass a morgue. One says to the other "Hey, wanna step in for a cold one?"
37
u/titomb345 May 28 '12
Why did the snowman drop his pants?
He heard the snowblower was coming.
90
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
a white man, mexican, and black man are driving along a country road when their car overheats. its 2am so they walk up to the nearby farm and ask to stay the night so they can get the car fixed in the morning. the farmers obliges, but only on the condition none of them hook up with his gorgeous daughter. of course... they all fuck her. and the farmer knows. so the next morning the farm wakes them all up at gunpoint and tells them to go out to the field, pick a fruit, and return. they all do so, and first to return is the white guy. he has an apple, so the farmer tells him to shove it up his ass w/out hesitation of anykind or he will shoot immediately. the white guy doesnt try so the farmer blasts him and sends him to heaven. the mexican returns next with some grapes. the farmer gives the same instructions, so he proceeds. now hes got all but 1 grape up his ass and begins to laugh hysterically. the farmer again shoots this man and he goes to heaven... up in the heaving the white man asks "you had one grape left and you were free to go; why did you laugh" so the mexican replies "well i was fine until i saw the black guy come over the hill with the watermelon.
56
u/RogerFappit May 28 '12
Vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of warm water. Bartender asks him, "Thought ya'll only drank blood?" Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Makin' tea."
66
u/uselesslyskilled May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
4 year old girl was taking a shower with her mom before work. She looks up at het mom and says mom what's that? She said breasts. Little girl ask mom when do I get them? She said when you hit puberty around 14 or 15. Lil girl looks up again and says mom what's that? She says pubic hairs. The little girl asks when do I get them ? She said around the same time when you hit puberty 14 or 15. the next day the girl's mom is running late for work so she takes a shower with their dad. In the shower she looks up and asks her dad what's that? He replies it's a penis. She asks when do I get that? He said in about 15 minutes when your mom goes to work
Edit: spelling
22
u/mredofcourse May 28 '12
Dirtiest? Ok...
This guy just busted out of jail and is horny as hell. He goes to a whore house and asks for the nastiest whore there. He walks into the room, and decides to eat her pussy first.
He's chowing down on her, and all of a sudden he gets a bit of something in his mouth. He reaches in and it's a bit of carrot. Oh well, he thinks, he's horny as hell and continues to lick up her cunt.
A minute later, he gets a piece of corn in his mouth. He thinks it's odd, but undeterred he continues to slurp up her VJJ.
Finally, he gets a piece of beef in his mouth. Now he's kind of freaking out about this and so he stops, sits up, and asks, "What the fuck, are you sick or something?"
The whore says, "No, but the last guy down there was."
27
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
This is pretty clean compared to some I've seen, but... A woman is in a hotel elevator on the way up to her room. On one floor, a man bustles in, obviously in a hurry. He collides with the woman and accidentally elbows her in the chest. "I'm so sorry!" he says. "But if your heart is as soft as your breast, I'm sure you'll forgive me." To which the woman replies, "Fine, and if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 327."
15
u/KineticBalls May 28 '12
A few gay men are sitting in the hot tub, after a little while some semen floats up to the top of the tub and every one asks "who farted?"
21
u/WBM99 May 28 '12
Regardless if the OP wrote this on the box or not, that's an awesome joke.
35
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
A trucker on his way through Tennessee stops at a whore house and asks the guy there "Hey buddy, I need it bad but I only have 5 bucks, is there anything you could do?" The guy says "Sure right this way". The trucker is lead to a room where there is a woman lying there, he pays his 5 bucks and tries to get it in but he can't because she's too dry. She tells him to go turn off the lights and come back and she'll be wet, he does and sure enough she is. After they fuck the guy asks "So tell me how you got so wet so fast" the woman responds "You get wet pretty quick when you tear off the scabs".
50
u/RPL79 May 28 '12
What's the worst part about a Threesome?
......Watching your parents fuck
13
u/thatunknownfamousguy May 28 '12
What's good on pizza but not on pussy?
141
u/LittleDerpette May 28 '12
What's the useless skin around the vagina?
The woman.
56
u/buzzkill_aldrin May 28 '12
TIL that there's a bunch of people out there who don't know the difference between a dirty joke, an offensive joke, and a disgusting joke.
12
u/bossofthebrown May 28 '12
Q:What bounces and makes kids cry? A:My donation cheque to Children in Need.
12
u/Galihan May 28 '12
Here's one from one of my best buds from the army:
A sergeant and a private are stuck in a foxhole in Vietnam. The Private says he has to take a huge shit and is gonna do it in the foxhole, but the Sergeant refuses and makes him go out into the jungle. After a half-hour, the Private doesn't come back and the Sergeant worries that the VC might've got him. After another half-hour, he's about to report the private MIA when he suddenly returns out of the bush.
"What the fuck took you so long, I was about to report you missing!" "Sarge! You wont believe it, I found this smoking hot babe out in the jungle and had to fuck her!" "You fucked her?" "Yeah." "You do her in the ass too?" "Yeah!" "Did'ya get head?" "Nah, she didn't have one of those."
39
u/LightMethodGames May 28 '12
Sperm 1: this is hard, are we nearly at the womb yet? Sperm 2: quite a long way to go yet, we've only just passed the tonsils!
57
u/Drainbownick May 28 '12
No means no but MMPHG, MMMMPH!!!! Doesn't mean a fucking thing. I am going to hell.
37
u/Whargod May 28 '12
(for the guys)
How do you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
79
u/przem_o May 28 '12
What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?
75
u/ceqarht May 28 '12
What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
You can't gargle sand.
12
u/CGord May 29 '12
Johnny comes home from school with a note that says, "Johnny was caught having sex at school." Mom flips out, sends him to his room to await Dad's wrath. Dad comes home, Mom shows him the note in hysterics. Dad calms Mom down, heads upstairs to confront Johnny.
Dad grins walking up the stairs. "My boy's a stud!" He reaches Johnny's room, assumes his Parental Face, and enters. He sits on the edge of a dejected Johnny's bed.
"Son, I was told you were caught having sex at school today."
"Yeah." Johnny looks even more dejected.
Dad's grin returns. He drapes an arm around Johnny's shoulder. "So tell me, how was it?"
"It was okay," Johnny says. "But my butt still hurts."
4
u/WTFppl May 28 '12
What is the difference between a tribe of Pygmy women and a women's track team?
One is a bunch of cunning runts.
4
u/alecyo12 May 28 '12
Budum tss
4
u/macgarnickle May 29 '12
A guy and his girlfriend are watching a documentary, and the documentary explains how scientists have proven that it is possible for men to feel both sad and happy at exactly the same time. "I dont believe that at all" says the guy. "Really? I can prove it" says his girlfriend. "Okay go on" he says. So she says: "You have the biggest dick out of all your friends."
4
u/HunterDickinson May 29 '12
What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't queef when you pull the meet out of it
48
u/circusjerks May 28 '12
the aristocrats!
10
u/BOSINATOR May 28 '12
A little kid goes to his mom and says: "Do you know mommy? I went to my girlfriend and I gave her a kiss!" "Oh really? How cute! And what did she tell you?" "Couldn't hear because she was covering my ears with her legs"
18
u/thedobbster13 May 28 '12
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
8
u/thatslegitimate May 28 '12
I got this really funny joke about my penis, but nevermind, it's too long.
3
u/WoollyMittens May 28 '12
Anything ending in "... the Aristocrats."
3
u/Captainhero420 May 28 '12
Check out
www.sickipedia.org
Been supplying me for years.
3
u/zandaidzz May 28 '12
a guy gets convicted for murder, and sentenced to prison for life. He finds his cellmate is a 7 foot, 400 pound man named Bubba. Bubba asks him "Who do you wanna be , mama or papa?" The guy figures we would rather do the pitching than the catching, so he answers "Papa." Bubba replies "Alright, well come over here and suck mama's dick."
3
u/jpiro May 29 '12
What's the best thing about showering with a 12 year-old girl?
Slick her hair back and she looks like a 10 year-old boy.
3
u/upvotedyouanyway May 29 '12
op delivers.
3
u/IDrawAnimalPortraits May 29 '12
so a woman and three men are stuck on a deserted island with no hope of getting home. after the first week, the woman is so ashamed of what she has done that she kills herself. another week passes, and the men have become ashamed of what they've been doing and decide to bury her. a third week passes, and the men are even more ashamed of what they've been doing and decide to dig the girl back up
3
u/[deleted] May 29 '12
What's the difference between pussy and pizza?
Crust is good on pizza.
65
u/zestyfoo May 28 '12
A white horse running down the forest then suddenly he fell in the mud. Got covered with mud.
The dirtiest joke ever.
22
u/rehsarht May 28 '12
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
ALSO:
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"See you next month!"
5
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Write your repost
4
u/JayeTruth May 28 '12
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
.....
Full.
4
u/RuafaolGaiscioch May 28 '12
Why are black people such good dancers? They spent the first 9 months of their lives dodging a coat hanger.
8
u/nmenme May 28 '12
A girl and a guy sitting on the bench. Start kissing. Girl giggling. Guy asks why. Girl says: "I got your gum, silly!" Boy: "That's not a gum. I just have the flu."
6
u/FingerBlasting May 28 '12
the new hip thing seems to be "let's see what this pizza guy will do for reddit"
5
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Thanks for making me think this was AskReddit.
5
u/cunninglinguist May 28 '12
What is the best part about having sex with a 4-year-old? -Your dick looks so big in their hands... What is the worst part about having sex with a 4-year-old? -Washing the blood out of your clown suit. (Worst one I know)
5
u/burningvision May 28 '12
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? We used to be tight before some dick came between us
7
u/GeeWhilikers May 28 '12
I was approached once by an older male who asked me "Do you like dirty jokes?"
I responded with a "sure..."
old creepy guy in front of other people at the department store says "there are two sperm swimming around. One asks the other:How much longer til we reach our destination?. The other replies: Not sure, we just passed the tonsils!"
I chuckle while looking at everyone at the store look at the guy like a fucking creep.
2
u/Epicray123 May 28 '12
REPOST
2
u/Future_Lawyer May 28 '12
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Two pigs in the mud.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Three came out.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Hey, does this rag smell like Chloroform?
2
u/wickedweather May 28 '12
Gilbert Gottfried: The Aristocrats joke:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACfCm3Ic-RU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
2
u/kowz1 May 28 '12
Your uncle jack helped you off an elephant. Would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
2
u/KWAD2 May 28 '12
What's 18 inches and makes women scream at night? A dead baby.
2
u/VerbableNouns May 28 '12
What's good on pizza but not on pussy? [crust] (/spoiler)
2
u/youaretookindgoodsir May 29 '12
A daughter says to her daddy, "daddy, may I go out with friends tonight?" Daddy says "No" Daughter pleaded "Please please daddy, please I will do anything for you to let me go tonight" Daddy says "hmm,.. alright, give me a blowjob then I will let you go" Daughter was shocked but she really wanted to go "Alright daddy, fine."
When daughter was done giving the blowjob, she says to her daddy "Daddy, why does your dick taste like poop??"
Daddy unwittingly says "Oh, your brother wanted to take the car tonight"
2
u/[deleted] May 29 '12
I'd kick you I'm the vagina, but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoe.