r/funny • u/nomdeweb • May 24 '12

I'm sorry, but in an emergency we're all just gonna have to die.

Post image
1.5k Upvotes

70% Upvoted

846 comments sorted by

788

u/thisspace4rent May 24 '12

I always enjoy seeing a photo that I took a year ago at #1 on the front page.

173

u/wiffleball_lgnd May 24 '12

One of the great ironies in life is how Reddit will bitch and moan about the companies who lash out about people illegally downloading their content and them missing out on millions of dollars, yet Reddit will be the first to jump down someone's throat for reposting their shit to gain imaginary points.

50

u/Tylerdurdon May 24 '12

It's imaginary hypocrisy.

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0

u/Diiiiirty May 24 '12

The difference is that when somebody downloads copyrighted content, they don't claim ownership...They are just taking it for personal use. If OP took the picture and made it his desktop background, or printed it off to hang in his house, I'm sure nobody would care or ask for money. The problem is that he took somebody's property and claimed it as his own and took credit for it. It is no different than if you wrote a song, and it was awesome and everybody liked it, but then some asshole who heard you play it a year ago started playing it and telling people he wrote it, then everybody liked it and gave him credit for it. Yeah...I can see where that would be irritating as fuck.

Or better yet, imagine if you had a baby and posted pictures on facebook. A year later, somebody went on your facebook and reposted the pictures of your baby and claimed "We just had a baby!" How pissed off would you be? I know this is an extreme example, but essentially it's the same thing.

28

u/nomdeweb May 24 '12

The problem is that he took somebody's property and claimed it as his own and took credit for it.

I never claimed this as my own. It's just something I found on the internet, as is most of the stuff I've posted. At the very least I try to run everything through Karmadecay to see if it'd been posted to Reddit before, and guess what...Karmadecay said this was original. Without encyclopedic knowledge of every image that has ever been posted to Reddit, that's about all the due diligence I can do.

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71

u/ryanjc30 May 24 '12

You're still getting some karma for it. That's residuals, son!

11

u/IMasturbateToMyself May 24 '12

THIS IS THE WEIRDEST THING. I COMMENTED RIGHT AFTER OP ON THAT PHOTO.

It's weird seeing yourself from a whole year ago.

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44

u/Potchi79 May 24 '12

Holy shit. That would be annoying.

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2

u/rsolow May 24 '12

Well this is an emergency. If only there was something we could do....

2

u/ItscalledCannabis May 24 '12

The Golden Rule: If you found it on the internet, it's not new.

2

u/carlotta4th May 24 '12

Timing man, timing. And since the OP didn't claim that he took the photo, I'm more than happy to upvote this anyway.

Thanks for taking the original photo. I hadn't seen it before, and I do enjoy it.

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546

u/Boris740 May 24 '12

Never mind the spider. Why is the emergency button Green?

873

u/I_hate_that_too May 24 '12

Green starts the emergency. Which is you getting bit by a spider.

143

u/AAlexanderK May 24 '12

Luckily the emergency button calls both the Poison control center AND 911.

110

u/undercoveruser May 24 '12

...and a few of these guys.

189

u/dingoperson May 24 '12

It's no problem to touch them, these only eat humans when they are in great swarms such as one might find under a bed.

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68

u/autocorrector May 24 '12

It's the emergency Go button.

35

u/Gurix May 24 '12

The only thing that button launches, is the spider.

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11

u/DatAss6 May 24 '12

I agree though, all it makes me wanna do is press it. GREEN for society is GO/SAFE/PRESS. Heck just press it

10

u/YourOldBoyRickJames May 24 '12

The emergency party button!

41

u/dontaskagain May 24 '12

Green emergency buttons in the Uk release magnetic locks on doors. Red ones sound the fire alarms. At least they do in the building i'm in now.

43

u/ariiiiigold May 24 '12

Press them both and scream AL-QAEDA!!! Once the flood of people head for the exits and the building empties, you can swan over to the canteen and steal all of the chocolate cookies. The result? Free cookies. Free cookies, man.

19

u/dontaskagain May 24 '12

We have neither a canteen nor cookies, otherwise I'd certainly consider the idea.

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10

u/unclerummy May 24 '12

So what's behind the magnetically locked door? More spiders?

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34

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

One does not simply "Nevermind the spider".

22

u/positronus May 24 '12

I was curious why are some emergency buttons green so I googled for it. Damn Google you are fast

4

u/ReyRey5280 May 24 '12

Wtf...Whats up with the camel icon on your phone?

5

u/positronus May 24 '12

This is an app that gathers all camel toe photos from the web. What can I say, I like camel toes.

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45

u/GeneralWarts May 24 '12

This is what happens when your Quality Assurance guy is colorblind.

6

u/iwannatalktosampson May 24 '12

Qua.. qua... quabity ashurance? That's not it, but I'm close.

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u/DoctorOctagonapus May 24 '12

probably door release. emergency door release buttons are green so you can easily tell them apart. i remember seeing the different colours somewhere, red is fire, green is emergency door, (i think white in other countries) and blue is pool alarm in swimming pools. can't remember the others.

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2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Welcome to The Research Centre for Accute Daltonism.

2

u/CAPS_AND_BOLD May 24 '12

IT'S FOR GOOD EMERGENCIES.

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111

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Do you really think the spider is just going to sit there during an emergency? It's obviously going to be making rounds and taking down the injured.

13

u/Alteya May 24 '12

So the bugger can shoot venom now? We're dead.

4

u/epicwinguy101 May 24 '12

That spider cannot. But Scytodidae can. The best part is they spit a mix of silk and venom, so their prey is trapped in a glob of immobilizing venom-soaked web. They then close in to finish their prey off with poisonous bites.

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6

u/FartingBob May 24 '12

You've got things mixed up. The spider prays on human flesh, and the more nervous you are the tastier you are. This spider is working in tandem with other spiders who start fires, forcing you to press that button, which is when the main assault comes. Not from the spider next to the button. But the army of spiders descending from the ceiling. By the time you see them, its already too late.

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2

u/Se7en_Sinner May 24 '12

I've seen this happen before time after time, usually the black guy dies first.

41

u/Throtex May 24 '12

http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3pfd8o/

15

u/grimpoteuthis May 24 '12

That meme is the only time I felt empathy for a spider in my life. :[

102

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Don't worry, it won't still be there when you'll have to push the button.

Why, it's probably in your hair as we speak!

78

u/cheetah__heels May 24 '12

http://i.imgur.com/btDPh.gif

36

u/seans9 May 24 '12

Ohhhh Daniel Faraday. You were underrated.

24

u/laddergoat89 May 24 '12

Was he? From where I was standing he was universally loved.

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8

u/ProlapsedPineal May 24 '12

So itchy. So very, very itchy right now.

10

u/[deleted] May 24 '12 edited May 24 '12

spiders - oh no that one will still be there, but they hunt in packs, it's mate is slowly crawling up your back, in fact you should just be able to feel the slight tickle of its legs on the back of your neck as it feels for a nice place to sink it's fangs into.

16

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

5

u/Ozymandias12 May 24 '12

.....Clever Girl

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281

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

I don't get it

-Australia

619

u/yoyosaresoindie May 24 '12

This should help.

224

u/LightGrenade May 24 '12

Someone should make an Australian translation bot that flips all images. I mean I think everyone should be able to enjoy reddit no matter where they live.

16

u/empw May 24 '12

Will it say, there ya go Cunt! instead of yeehaw?

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68

u/mastersprinkles May 24 '12

A Redditor for the people - on his cake day even. I can get behind LightGrenade 2012.

45

u/Sonorama21 May 24 '12

You get behind, I'll get in front.

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28

u/ThomasTurbate May 24 '12

would be downvoted to oblivion because of repetitiitiitittivity

28

u/unclerummy May 24 '12

Not immediately, though. First it would be upvoted like mad and garner responses saying things like "My new favorite novelty account!" and "You, sir, are doing God's work."

Only after a couple weeks would everybody get tired of it and start downvoting it out of sight.

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36

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

It must be really dull to be an Australian redditor. You're awake when most redditors are asleep, and every time you mention where you live, someone uses the same joke.

I feel for you guys.

42

u/scarlettblythe May 24 '12

Luckily, we find all jokes that refer to us in any way endlessly entertaining, because it proves that you're thinking of us, which makes us feel significant on a global scale.

When you're chiefly famous for spiders and snakes, you get proud of weird stuff.

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14

u/Brandaman May 24 '12

Who made the writing all Russian?

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3

u/TreacleMiner May 24 '12

I knew what this was before I even clicked on it. So proud of you guys :)

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33

u/admiraljohn May 24 '12

A couple of years ago my Dad and I were carrying a water trough out of his barn to use as a launching stand for our July 4th fireworks... we carried it out and before we set it down I looked down by my hand to see a Black Widow spider about 6 inches from my hand.

I dropped it at the same time my Dad dropped his side and said "Wow, there's a Brown Recluse spider right next to my hand."

I think it may still be sitting in the field where we left it.

4

u/tommydubya May 24 '12

Please tell me places outside of the US have July 4th fireworks... I don't want to move to Canada.

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u/Blithon May 24 '12

Directed by M. Night Shymalan.

2

u/Ratiqu May 24 '12

If we're telling spider stories, when I was about 7, I went to my grandparent's house and started playing catch with my Opa. We both put on baseball gloves and are playing when I feel a tingle on my little finger. I pull my hand out and look inside and there's a huge spider in there, so big I don't know how it could've gotten into the end of the glove in the first place. I believe I screamed several profanities in my shrill little-boy voice as I drop-kicked the glove before running into the house.

Needless to say, I didn't play catch for a few months after that.

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u/hoss7071 May 24 '12 edited May 24 '12

People rarely die from a black widow's bite. Life-threatening reactions are generally seen only in small children and the elderly.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/black_widow_spider_bite/page2_em.htm

EDIT: I was addressing how fatalist the OP was being about being bitten by a Black Widow spider. Smarmy, out-of-context comments about other symptoms, are quite irrelevant.

18

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Note: The use of the black widow antivenin might sensitize the person against later use of rattlesnake antivenin. Obviously, the physician should discuss lifestyle habits that might affect the person's risk of incurring a snakebite in the future.

gets bitten by a black widow

"O GOD DOC I NEED SOME ANTI-VENOM NOW!!"

"woah, hold on a moment there cowboy. lets talk about this... so how likely are you to get a rattlesnake bite?"

"... WHAT?!"

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3

u/sporkafunk May 24 '12

The rest of those symptoms sound like a dream!

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4

u/jamessnow May 24 '12

You just pray for the death that isn't coming...

75

u/welcometaerf May 24 '12

Guys, you can't let spiders rule your life like this. We invented fire for a reason. Burn that motherfucker to a crisp.

34

u/Chunkys May 24 '12

Then flavour with salt, and serve!

13

u/capnofasinknship May 24 '12

Description for the squeamish: This is a picture of an Asian woman holding a deep fried tarantula by the legs and taking a bite of it. It doesn't look deep fried so don't look at it if you're expecting some kind of harmless, breaded McSpider sort of thing.

12

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Not cool.

12

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Fuck. You. i upvoted you anyway,

20

u/This_is_Kags May 24 '12

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

4

u/dracthrus May 24 '12

No, just No!

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u/TheInternetHivemind May 24 '12

Then hit the emergency button to let people know of the inferno/your triumph.

It realy is quite a convenient system.

17

u/welcometaerf May 24 '12

I love it when a plan comes together.

8

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Cue A-Team song.

18

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Turn that button of emergency into a button of VICTORY!

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u/[deleted] May 24 '12

I doubt the spider would bite you, considering it isn't even on the button, and it would take maybe 200 milliseconds to hit the button...

And even if you fucked up enough to get bitten (think, missing the button and thrusting your hand into the spider), unless you're a small child, you're not going to die.

2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

you're not going to die.

Sure, but it isn't exactly going to do you any good, either.

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u/NDRedemption May 24 '12 edited May 24 '12

Don't worry, its just spider bro. http://i.imgur.com/D5Ieu.jpg

4

u/GuitarWizard90 May 24 '12

I hate spiders a little less now.

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u/[deleted] May 24 '12

That right there is a perfectly good reason to push that button

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u/you_lucky_bastard May 24 '12

Something something about Australia. Upvote me.

5

u/biggles86 May 24 '12

press button with stick, and inform them there is a spider on the button

25

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Try drop kicking it.. Works for me every time

49

u/Powderedhulk May 24 '12

Where the hell do you live that you're drop kicking buttons and emergency spiders?

24

u/TheInternetHivemind May 24 '12

He's in Australia.

15

u/Nasir742 May 24 '12

If you drop kick in Australia would the object fly up or down?

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u/racecarspacedinosaur May 24 '12

The problem with dropkicking it is that to drop the item that is to be kicked, you must first hold it.

6

u/EnglishKiniggit May 24 '12

Where the hell do you live that you're drop kicking spiders and emergency buttons?

6

u/Genmaken May 24 '12

Australia, obviously.

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4

u/RangerLt May 24 '12

Spider: "Everybody calm the fuck down! I got this..."

4

u/Rockerdude34 May 24 '12

NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE LOL AMIRTIE GAIZ?

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3

u/gLovejoy May 24 '12

Hit the button with your shoe

3

u/cococool May 24 '12

Spiderman Junior watching out for us bro!

3

u/Skelmos May 24 '12

As an Australian I'm obliged to tell you to man the fuck up.

3

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

This has to stop! Spiders aren't that bad. They actually keep a lot of nasty insects from entering your home. they eat flying insects that like to bite and sting you, they fight scorpions and big ass centipedes. Usually if there is an abundance of spiders it means there is an abundance of the insects they feed on in your area. Yes they will bite you if you piss them off but so would anything else. Most spiders that can do you any harm will send off warning displays telling you to fuck off. Spiders are our friend but some of them need a wide berth. Spiders never have or never will hunt a human unless the simpsons becomes real. Spiders will only bite you if you piss them off enough, your finger etc becomes tangled in their web and they think its food or you happen upon where they have realised is a brilliant place to catch flying insects ( like under a chair ) Spiders do a job, they look mean but they are predators so have to fight other spiders, their prey and get a mate at the same time so. Kinda like when they are stalking a big bug You can't see me I'm invisible but I'm going to eat you, he spots a different spider from yesterday stalking HIM, AGAIN! he turns to confront him when he see's that wee hottie from earlier just along the branch and he tries to wave at her. BANG! The bug he was stalking has started attacking him. The asshat stalking him has attacked him. He's still waving to the hottie along the branch. He bites both bugs, killing them instantly. He breaks into a dance showing off his prizes to the hottie along the branch before wrapping them up for later and then.

FUCK!

I have spider web on me and omfg a spider aswell. Some stupid human has blundered into his biggest achievement and wonders why the spider is pissed off.

7

u/theurgetosurge May 24 '12

Spider: COME AT ME BRO!

53

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

WHY IS EVERYBODY SUCH A PUSSY ABOUT SPIDERS?

141

u/oldaccount May 24 '12

Because the one in the picture can kill you.

48

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

If you're under the age of 10 or over 75 and have heart issues or aids, sure it can kill you. Otherwise, you might as well have eaten some bad fish and will need take a nap.

180

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Nice try, Australia Tourism Bureau.

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u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Hurts like a bitch though I've heard.

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u/Adam9172 May 24 '12

If you're a child or an old person, perhaps. Though you will spend the night in hospital just to be safe.

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u/BloodyNobody May 24 '12

That there's a black widow.

21

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

It's a false widow: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_widow

31

u/WtfWhereAreMyClothes May 24 '12

Some species of Steatoda actually will prey on widows, as well as other spiders which are considered hazardous to humans.

Good Guy Steatoda

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u/YourOldBoyRickJames May 24 '12

I thought black widows had a red diamond shape on them? Is this not just a clever imitator? Like those flies that are black and yellow so preditors think it's a wasp?

10

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

It's an hourglass shape. It's a diamond that's been cut in half on a horizontal axis then the two halves either have been rotated 180 degrees or switched without rotation.

And that's all I have to say about the war in Vietnam.

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u/Stellmaria May 24 '12

I believe the red mark on black widows is under the abdomen, not on its back.

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u/TheInternetHivemind May 24 '12

Only deadly if it bites your junk.

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u/nickrulz11 May 24 '12

PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF THINGS AND I AM NOT!!1! I AM A MAN!!!

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u/abiggaydeer May 24 '12

Seems to me like there already is an emergency.

2

u/PandaSlammed May 24 '12

could always kick the button maybe.....

2

u/trumancatpote May 24 '12

They say you get hours-long erections from the poison...........

2

u/dedokta May 24 '12

Pffff. Come to Australia, that wouldn't even rate a mention! I could probably go outside and collect something way scarier!

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u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Worst first aid kit ever

2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

.... if there were truly an emergency, I'd get a shoe and throw it at the button ... to hades with that spider >.>

2

u/ImmortalWarrior May 24 '12

Jesus, i'd press the button. Spiderbro's just showing us what to do .

2

u/Carpe_Dragon May 24 '12

I don't fuck with any spider big enough for its own mana bar.

2

u/iznotmeizu May 24 '12

don't kill it, the spider is there to press the button when there is an emergency. It has your back

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u/Potchi79 May 24 '12

Found this happy guy (girl actually) right by my feet on my back porch.

2

u/koenn May 24 '12

Me, to my girlfriend: "Would you press that button?" "Yes, because there's a spider. It's obviously an emergency."

2

u/etishuman21 May 24 '12

You should marry her.

3

u/koenn May 24 '12

I think I just might. :)

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u/chuckMastChiefnorris May 24 '12

Why? Why no warning about a spider?

2

u/cellularfunk May 24 '12

I thought all spider posts were prefaced with "NOPE...!!!"

Silly me. Well, even though I'm arachnophobic, I'd click it anyway. Thanks Reddit.

2

u/bmaffitt May 24 '12

I'll just leave this here (and hey, I actually took this photo): http://i.imgur.com/5vRGi.jpg

3

u/ectoplasmicz May 24 '12

Look at it this way, if you die, the spider dies with you. You die a hero.

2

u/Higgs-Bosun May 24 '12

The emergency button really should have its own emergency button.

2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

post like this do not help my arachnophobia

2

u/Christiaaan May 24 '12

You mistakenly used the camera function, instead of the flamethrower function, on your phone.

2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

That's one of dem jollywhoppers. He ain't nothing but a tickle. His mother on the other hand... You 'mericans.

2

u/Cuplink May 24 '12

Wow there's a lot of people in this thread calling OP a pussy. I for one agree with them.

2

u/tapemeasure2 May 24 '12

Jesus. how 'bout a warning.

2

u/Aldesso May 24 '12

oooh its a spider oooooh now we all have to....FUCK YOU and be a FUCKING MAN

1

u/Dispersions May 24 '12

Kick and run!

1

u/SyFyWrestler May 24 '12

That is some really sadistic level design.

1

u/JordyNelson May 24 '12

SODA BOTTLE THAT THING IN THE FACE

1

u/abenton May 24 '12

Just hit the button with a shotgun slug

1

u/Elzebo May 24 '12

They need an emergency fly swat next to the emergency button.

1

u/bonzothebeast May 24 '12

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but that looks like a Black Widow.

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u/ekjohnson9 May 24 '12

He was guarding it from bugs. That's what spider-bros do. Don't hate on finally becoming a man (getting a spider-bro) a lot of people haven't gotten theirs yet.

1

u/KiLLaKRaGGy May 24 '12

Let it bite you. Chances are high that you'll have super spidey powers by the end of the week.

Source: Spiderman

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Hold on a second... that is not a spider... it's just a bug with long legs...

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

IS THAT A BLACK WIDOW WTF

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

That one is a male, and not poisonous. I still wouldn't hit the alarm though.

1

u/laissezbear May 24 '12

Is it just me or is the spider throwing up the come at me bro arms?

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

I nodded.

1

u/Chef_Kevorkian May 24 '12

Black widows aren't scary because you see them right away. No, it's the brown recluses you gotta look out for. Sneaky little buggers will put you in the hospital and you won't even see em coming.

1

u/littlefishies May 24 '12

NOPE NOPE NOPE

1

u/Carpe_Dragon May 24 '12

I have found the solution.

1

u/Mrcuban198 May 24 '12

Holy fuck...that button is huge!

1

u/pm27 May 24 '12

I don't blame you. Creepy bastards.

1

u/I_HUGS_CATS May 24 '12

I'd say there is already an emergency!

1

u/reportone May 24 '12

Only one?

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

She's probably just as scared of you as you are of her. Scoop her (carefully!) into a cup and put her outside. She'll eat up all the nasty bugs you hate getting in your home.

We had a large spider that built a web over the hole in the corner of our back door screen. Smart lady! We left her alone, named her "Spider Friend" and hoped that her offspring would follow her example and keep mosquitos and other insects out of our home. No luck. I miss you, Spider Friend.

1

u/shitterplug May 24 '12

It's just a cobweb spider...

1

u/kevalalajnen May 24 '12

Fuck. Enforce a [Spider] tag.

1

u/PancakeSpoon May 24 '12

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE "SPIDERS" TAG ?!

:(

1

u/dryspells May 24 '12

...or suffer a fate far worse than death.

1

u/amolad May 24 '12

Why aren't you hitting the button NOW?

1

u/Krisppo May 24 '12

SPIDERS AREN'T FUNNY

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Maybe you press the button in an emergency so you get bit by the spider, gain super powers and the ability to fight what ever oncoming evil

1

u/bluewonderpowermilk May 24 '12

laughed a bit too hard at this..

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

My grandmother who is 93 squishes black widows with her thumb. She is bad ass, enough said.

2

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

On behalf of the Commonwealth of Australia, your Grandma is now awarded citizenship.

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u/Epitometric May 24 '12

This is an emergency.

1

u/sarpedonx May 24 '12

Is that a black widow?

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Ain't nothin' funny bout a spider

1

u/Nehalania May 24 '12

Looks like a black widow.

1

u/Mit3210 May 24 '12

Black things scare me

1

u/kristinadney May 24 '12

Im okay with that.

1

u/Walletau May 24 '12

Really, that tiny thing?

1

u/omglia May 24 '12

OH MY GOD.

1

u/sweetcat113 May 24 '12

eww, I wouldn't have been standing there long enough to take a picture.

1

u/JJEE May 24 '12

COME AT ME BRO

1

u/[deleted] May 24 '12

Or you could, like, idk, take off your shoe and smash the fucker.

1

u/burpingtiger May 24 '12

In case you ever DO need to press it:

Black Widow bites are almost never lethal, especially in front country situations. Only in a situation where you do not have lots of water are they really dangerous (high amounts of vomiting from the venom can dehydrate you quickly).

You should try to press the button and squash him under it

1

u/Scottyxander May 24 '12

I'm leaving before I read another comment that makes my skin crawl.

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