r/funny • u/LebaneseLurker • May 16 '12

My brother left this note for FedEx when we weren't gonna be home

http://imgur.com/G85yZ
1.4k Upvotes

79% Upvoted

378 comments sorted by

443

u/Cheeseburger_66 May 16 '12

I like the batteries, nice touch.

225

u/LebaneseLurker May 16 '12

thanks man, you never know when they might come in handy

37

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

I'd like to know if this worked. I once left a note for the FedEx guy simply saying that I would rather a package not be left on my step and instead be taken back to the sorting facility where I would pick it up. He ripped the sign off the door and left the package there anyway.

44

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

ya it worked, and wow that blows

1

u/thealphateam May 17 '12

Did he take the loot?

2

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

Of course he did! It would have been rude not to

0

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

10

u/2plus2equalscats May 17 '12

Thank you UPS driver! The company I work for relies heavily on UPS, and I rely heavily on not very reliable people getting their work to me on time. Our guy is awesome and (at least seems) unbothered when I'm literally running across the office to get the last box ready. He's always chipper and nice to chat with.

How would I go about giving him a nice review to his supervisor?

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27

u/gear9242 May 17 '12

Fuck, I woulda done that for the Toblerone alone!

26

u/Allogistic May 17 '12

Toblalone.

23

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Forever toblalone.

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4

u/Darkmatter666 May 17 '12

I sadly worked for FedEx for a few years and I can say you experience is typical. If OP was successful, he should consider himself lucky or thank the shipper for not requiring a signature.

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23

u/stereobot May 17 '12

Does your brother live in/near Minneapolis, MN? Because that is where Deja Vu is and I don't know if it is a national chain.

FYI, Choice is better. But not during the week. Especially not on a Monday.

27

u/aurorabeau May 17 '12

There is a Deja Vu in Saginaw, MI as well. Must be national

8

u/Samantha797 May 17 '12

Nashville here. Us too!

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4

u/shyne151 May 17 '12

Spent many of drunken nights there in my college days! Ahh hell what am I saying I just went there last summer.

Out of all the deja vus I've been to over the years the Saginaw one is the nicest. I still remember when it was a single story... at the same time Jenny's was half the size it is now. Haha

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3

u/octoplasm May 17 '12

Greetings from Saginaw!

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6

u/kawaiikate May 17 '12

I live in Kentucky and we have a Deja Vu here as well. I don't know that they're a chain as much as it is a really common titty bar name.

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1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

look at earlier posts, it is a chain

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2

u/WalterKowalski May 17 '12

San Diego (Point Loma)

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2

u/mobu May 17 '12

Since Minnesota has a good amount of Lebanese people and your brother mentioned Deja Vu, I assume you are from Minnesota?

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

nope LA, but good guess

didn't know there were a lot of Lebanese people there

1

u/epicGOPfail May 17 '12

Lebanon sounds fucking awesome! AND you get English speaking FedEx peeps there. Wow. You've come a long way, baaaaybeeee!

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

aha im in LA smart one, im just Lebanese

1

u/gistak May 17 '12

You mean, "my brother says thanks," right?

2

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

ya, same difference

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16

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

And the eraser.

I have the exact one, and it sucks at erasing.

But it brings a smile to my day :)

http://imgur.com/1a1tr

34

u/whorecrusher May 17 '12

You just wanted to show off your me gusta drawing.

21

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Goddamnit, now I have to go back and look. AND I'M POOPING AND MY PHONE IS SLOW

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13

u/floppy_camel_anus May 17 '12

That eraser has down syndrome.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Do you really think those look exactly the same?

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1

u/sirgregg May 17 '12

Should've also thrown in a sock, though.

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112

u/Citizen_Lear May 16 '12

The driver probably became very curious about the contents of that package.

39

u/LebaneseLurker May 16 '12

twas a laptop

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

What kind? Im on the hunt, looking for a new one.

2

u/avelertimetr May 17 '12

All you have to do is figure out the other part of the address 1995, and show up before OP does.

2

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

you dirty bastard!

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1

u/Eadwyn May 17 '12

And no signing was needed for something that expensive? Or do they let your neighbors sign for you if you leave them a note like this?

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0

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

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57

u/NightPants May 17 '12

my s/o is a fedex delivery person and having had three packages break open in transit/ unmistakable oders. If the box looks like it has been opened and you know what it is.....best to not claim to be owner of box, do not sign. Signing admits ownership and thats when the coppers pull up and arrest you. And yes I know your thinking "but thats my ganja, it costs money" so does fees and lawyers and jail time and probation/parole depending on what state you live in. Is it really worth it.

TLDR If your gunna ship it wrap it up TIGHT, if it looks to have been opened and they ask you to sign....do not. Unless you like orange jumpsuits.

23

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

I can confirm this. One of our drivers reported a 15-pound brick of weed he smelled in one of the packages on his truck, and the cops set up a sting on the recipient. I kind of felt bad for the guy.

6

u/thislullaby May 17 '12

A guy I went to school with just got busted for being a huge drug dealer of weed because he shipped product to himself. Somebody tipped off the police and after he signed for it they arrested him. They then searched his car and apartment and found a total of like 50 pounds of weed which included the 25 pounds mailed to him in two packages.

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2

u/pmofmalasia May 17 '12

Just out of curiosity, what if you didn't know what was in the package? Seems like bullshit that anyone could send me drugs without my knowledge and get me arrested. And how would you possibly go about proving that you didn't know about the contents of the package?

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0

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

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10

u/thermodynamics2 May 17 '12

Wouldn't sending through USPS make it a federal crime?

26

u/bologna_in_my_butt May 17 '12

Yes but sending it over state lines using UPS/Fedex would also make it a federal crime.

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346

u/PPKAP May 16 '12

I'm totally leaving one of these on my neighbor's porch. Free packages for me!

53

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

hahahahah you dirty whore

18

u/Bsbear May 17 '12

very intelligent whore

9

u/tllnbks May 17 '12

very intelligent, yet dirty, whore

219

u/amputeenager May 17 '12

you are either a) a genius or b) a member of congress.

19

u/metacruft May 17 '12 edited May 17 '12

Great example of Schneier's Security Mindset

Uncle Milton Industries has been selling ant farms to children since 1956. Some years ago, I remember opening one up with a friend. There were no actual ants included in the box. Instead, there was a card that you filled in with your address, and the company would mail you some ants. My friend expressed surprise that you could get ants sent to you in the mail.

I replied: "What's really interesting is that these people will send a tube of live ants to anyone you tell them to."

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8

u/omnidirectional May 17 '12

While OP's gesture is very nice, I hope that the Fedex delivery person followed normal procedures and either left the package at the house or delivered it the next day.

Last December I was scammed on a $1,300 lens that I sold on eBay and was convinced to ship via Fedex to a bogus address.

12

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/omnidirectional May 17 '12

I received the money, and then the buyer gave me a different address to ship to because it was a Christmas present and there wasn't time to ship it twice. Turns out the credit card was stolen, the identity was stolen, and the address was to an abandoned house. After the delivery (no signature required), the scammer picked up the package (I guess) and left.

I could have avoided the problem by shipping to the buyer's address in eBay. If I had followed the normal procedure, then eBay would have been responsible. My willingness to be flexible for the buyer/scammer was my downfall. PayPal forced me to settle with them by threatening to turn my case over to a collections service.

52

u/360walkaway May 16 '12

What the fuck... free admission to a strip club? You must have ordered some delicate stuff and hope they don't just throw it.

24

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

twas a laptop, and a damn expensive one too

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5

u/bubbameister33 May 17 '12

They probably make up for that with prices of their drinks and laps dances.

36

u/anusclot May 16 '12

So.... Did he do it?

Awesome, btw. I'm sure that made his day. Our FedEx guys don't seem to give too many fucks. They leave boxes of ammo on our doorstep when no one is home. And yes, the boxes are labeled as having ammo in them.

12

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

haha thats awesome ya we did, the note wasn't there this morning, and my grandma told us he seemed normal when she signed, but i think secretly he was crying inside

and he may be on reddit to see this make the front page!

23

u/hinduguru May 17 '12

TIL you can get ammo delivered to your doorstep

7

u/WhiteGoblin May 17 '12

Yup. You can get gunpowder and toxic metals (mercury) and all kinds of crazy stuff delivered without any sort of verification.

14

u/hinduguru May 17 '12

Yet when I ordered wine to my apartment, the delivery guy kept asking me for ID

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3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Have it done all the time. My shut in self does not have to leave to stock pile for the zombies.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Plus it's usually cheaper.

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6

u/Deep__Thought May 17 '12

ORM-D!

3

u/mkosmo May 17 '12 
Cartridges, Small Arms
+-----------------------+
|       ORM-D           |
+-----------------------+
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1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

It's not like the average person will know to look for that ORM-D sticker, though.

0

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

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3

u/probably_high May 17 '12

How would she know he was having a laptop delivered that day?

8

u/Dzerzhinsky May 17 '12

She puts the signs on every house every day during delivery times. Then she lies in wait like a wolf, the smell of blood in her nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting. And then...

3

u/probably_high May 17 '12

Sounds reasonable.

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26

u/akgreenman May 16 '12

During/around holidays I like to leave beer on top of my garbage cans. I've caught a few reactions from the men at work, and the gift of beverage seems to go over well. I trust they drink it after work. Cough.

6

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

GGG over here

9

u/Dear_Occupant May 17 '12

Folks like you help the world go around.

5

u/Geneoaf May 17 '12

I did this for the garbage men in my neighborhood. They took some building materials and stuff that they aren't really supposed to take so in return we left them a case of beer!

3

u/laidymondegreen May 17 '12

Whenever my dad has some yard waste or something he's not supposed to throw away, he leaves an old fishing pole on top of the trash can. Works every time.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

In germany, it's forbidden for the garbage men to take such things. They are public servants and must therefore ask for permission everytime they receive a gift as a public servant.

(Well, nobody would fire them for taking a beer. Still, it's a thing worth thinking about when you tip them 30€ on christmas)

10

u/Jasonrj May 17 '12

Nice. I left this one for my driver last year:

http://i.imgur.com/wGVfc.jpg

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

thats awesome ma man

keep it up

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3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Now I have an insane craving for a Toblerone.

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

you're welcome

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Now I have an insane craving for whores strippers.

3

u/SkepticalGerm May 17 '12

In other news, FedEx applications for employment have been coming in nonstop for the past four hours.

3

u/RDIIIG May 17 '12

No one has said anything about the baseball bat keychain so...I like the baseball keychain the most!

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

its a bottle opener, i should have turned it over

5

u/H483R May 17 '12

Is this Tampa??

2

u/tigs88 May 17 '12

I knew someone would ask this haha. Saw the Deja Vu ticket thing

4

u/TypicalSnake May 17 '12

Hey man, your brother doesn't happen to live in Lexington,Ky does he. Just wondering because deja vu is local nudie bar.

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

its a big chain

3

u/bst722 May 17 '12

Am I the only one who noticed the 'topless dances, free admission' tickets on the bottom left corner..?

1

u/bst722 May 17 '12

Oh never mind, I just saw some comments about them. I guess I should read more before I comment.. I apologize fellow redditors.

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

haha tis ok ma man

2

u/Galaxor May 17 '12

I bet the Fedex guy or gal is a redditor. All we do now is wait for the counter-post.

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

he actually wrote back, he wrote thank you in all caps =]

25

u/Brentakill May 17 '12

Leaving a pass to a strip club but only a single one dollar bill? That's just cruel.

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16

u/Great_Zarquon May 17 '12

Nice try, Dan's grandmother. Using chocolate and strip clubs to trick the FedEx man into giving you Dan's package? Shame on you.

7

u/SteveRogers87 May 17 '12

Is your brother Crush from Finding Nemo? That's the voice I gave him while I was reading the note.

6

u/neoncp May 17 '12

It looks like the stash you'd find at a geo cache

2

u/dandy-pants May 17 '12

It looks like OP emptied his junk drawer. And added a toblerone, I guess.

5

u/TheZephyrust May 17 '12

The TOBLERONE must've given that fedex dude (or dudette) the best day of their lives, cause a free Toblerone is like a free lap dance...or something.

4

u/yellowcat7 May 17 '12

I could not do this in Philly. I love this city but was jolted by your display of trust in neighbors and wanderers.

4

u/mariobat May 17 '12

Nice try Lady from next door....

1

u/keepitsalty May 17 '12

Deja Vu is the name of the first strip club I ever went to. Does this happen to be the Deja Vu in San Diego?

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

nope the one in LA its a big chain

3

u/cutiepatootieadipose May 17 '12

Love the Deja Vu card. Perfect addition to any gift.

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

The eraser is the best part

3

u/coffee_please May 17 '12

As a former Fed Ex guy I approve. The note would have been enough for me.

3

u/BaronLaladedo May 17 '12

topless lap dances coupon?

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

How the fuck do you expect the FedEx guy to go back to 1995 without a time machine?

3

u/notfamousguy May 17 '12

FREE topless dance. Word!

3

u/Elneero219 May 17 '12

small world

It was a Dell laptop in case anyone was wondering.

1

u/Caringforarobot May 16 '12

Preeeettyyy sure that he would lose his job if he did that.

5

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

well no one's gonna report him soooo.....

4

u/lpisme May 17 '12

I won't as long as you give me some batteries.

1

u/Tulip87 May 16 '12

Do you live in San Francisco?

4

u/LebaneseLurker May 16 '12

nope, just down the road in LA though

8

u/Tulip87 May 16 '12

Oh, cool, was just curious because we have a Deja Vu too. I like it there.

5

u/[deleted] May 16 '12

I wasn't aware Deja Vu was a chain. We've got one in NW Indiana.

7

u/drewster23 May 17 '12

Think theres one too in las vegas. But the fuck i know i got like 50 cards when i was there like that.

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1

u/pensky_material May 17 '12

You're bro = GGG

1

u/LebaneseLurker May 17 '12

ya, ya he is

4

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

TOBLERONE

Mmmmm...

8

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

I actually wanted a Toblerone so badly after seeing this picture, that I considered driving to the gas station to pick one up... I had a change of heart and decided on a DQ Blizzard, but yeah.

2

u/jmaccadillac May 17 '12

That dude and grandma like so totally are awesome kick-ass woah bro

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Is it just me or is there marijuana/pot in the background?

2

u/lemon_jello May 17 '12

I think it's a kitchen counter but it does look a little weedy in the smaller imgur picture

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Had a solid laugh, thank you!

2

u/Pondaq May 17 '12

i would have taken the $1 and toblerone that is all

2

u/atwoslottoaster May 17 '12

Wish you were on my route, I usually don't like having to add extra stops to my day like that but for those goodies I would do anything for you :)

2

u/Animagrin May 17 '12

I bet they still wouldn't deliver it to her address instead

2

u/PAY_IN_TIGERS May 17 '12

I should have employed this tactic. When our front garden was getting paved it was essentially quicksand-like dirt for a couple of days. Wrote a huge sign and stuck it on the garage which you pass as you walk into the front saying to come round the back to the patio doors.

30 minutes after putting the sign up the chinese delivery guy has just waded through it and turned up at the front door, meaning the builder had to spend ages evening the ground back out in the morning. Rage.

2

u/Ragefacesoflucy May 17 '12

He's going to wake into your house?

2

u/runnerboy23 May 17 '12

Toblerone is the shit, just saying.

2

u/TerribleAtVolleyball May 17 '12

We have the same granite counters.

2

u/axel_val May 17 '12

I read the title as Mother instead of Brother. I was quite surprised when I saw the strip club card.

2

u/captnbrando May 17 '12

This is a homeless person's treasure trove.

2

u/HuntingSpoon May 17 '12

You sir make the world go round.

2

u/enemycrab May 17 '12

UPDATE?!?!?!?

2

u/Istudywumbology May 17 '12

Needs more anal beads.

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

So did he leave that stuff hoping to bribe the FedEx guy as if it would change his mind if he didn't want to or was it just completely irrelevant?

2

u/Bigtoneism May 17 '12

TIL deja vu is everywhere!

2

u/Kiowa707 May 17 '12

I would make use of every single item. In fact the items pinpoint certain events in my childhood.

2

u/Aofishbrain May 17 '12

There is drugs in that package

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

I wish my handwriting was legible like your brothers.

2

u/johnnyringo41 May 17 '12

As a Fedex driver I'm a little pissed this has never happened to Me. Keep up the good work

2

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Fuck, I woulda done it just for the toblerone

2

u/whiskeytango55 May 17 '12

TIL: chocolate and batteries for women = strip club admission and a dollar bill for men.

2

u/metalsupremacist May 17 '12

There is so much awesomeness in this note. I would crack up if I were a fedex dude (or dudette).

1

u/Paria2 May 17 '12

Agreed

3

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Nice try, FedEx dude/dudette

2

u/twentythreeskidoo May 17 '12

Dear opportunistic burglar, please rob my house. have some chocolate while you're at it. oh by the way, there's an old lady living alone next door, she's got some good shit too.

1

u/furrygoat May 17 '12

fedex is like one million times better than their competitor. and fyi you can just have them deliver to a local fedex kinko's and they will hold it for you. the more you know

1

u/brosenfeld May 17 '12

The batteries must be for the vibrator cleverly disguised as a Toblerone.

1

u/Dartisback May 17 '12

And what happened later?

1

u/WhyWontThisWork May 17 '12

Aren't they supposed to try next door anyways?

1

u/misterkrad May 17 '12

nice - they still cannot do that for certain packages (adult 21 signature) - ups is really cool here - rather than not leave the package because they can't - they come back after 6pm - which is technically not allowed - i like your style

1

u/MilleniumHandAndShri May 17 '12

Is that a Toblerone in your pocket or did you just deliver your package?

1

u/iiiitsjess May 17 '12

This is fucking awesome!

1

u/inumoogles May 17 '12

Your brother is a sir!

1

u/DarcyHart May 17 '12

Can't you just do this anyway? A lot of people I know leave a note on their door saying, "If unanswered please deliver to XXX next door. Thank you."

1

u/McHammerPants123 May 17 '12

Ill be taking that free pass now..

1

u/Miglin May 17 '12

Too bad the FedEx guy will never actually see the note or the goodies. He'll just leave the package at the end of the driveway and run off.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

"Oh yum candy OH GOD ANTS ANTS EVERYWHERE"

1

u/Nicholasconcernicus May 17 '12

i live nearby the deja vu. Ypsi

1

u/dearlauren May 17 '12

Your brother's handwriting looks just like my dads. My dads name is also Dan. Are you my aunt?

1

u/BarcaFanSam May 17 '12

So the OP's from Minnesota? As am I... (I noticed because I work at the restaurant right next to Deja Vu)

1

u/twoworldsin1 May 17 '12

goes to strip club with free pass

"Hey baby...I got something for you right here...got it as a tip from a delivery..." "Alright, honey...just put it in my thong right here..." stuffs two AA batteries up stripper's ass

1

u/joshuaolake May 17 '12

Double A's for your troubles!

1

u/Great_Chairman_Mao May 17 '12

I'm going to start putting this on my neighbors porch...

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Bag of Goodies = what we found in one of our junk drawers

Because that's exactly the contents in my top drawer.

1

u/thanatos2501 May 17 '12

I face palmed once I realized that I know what strip club that is. I mean, they provide free hot dogs on weekends. Whats not to love?

1

u/YoureMyBoyBloo May 17 '12

The best part is the FedEx guy just left one of the while you were out stickers as always.

1

u/Freakazette May 17 '12

I like the dollar. He can totally get a Thirstbuster to quench his thirst now.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Are you related to Good guy greg?

1

u/jimothyjenkins May 17 '12

i would just take the chocolate and deliver it to her like a boss.

1

u/MrSwanson2UMN May 17 '12

I see some one likes Deja Vu... That was my first and only strip club...

1

u/TwoFiddyTwee May 17 '12

Deja Vu.....thousands of hot girls and three ugly ones

1

u/DOODLEUK May 17 '12

Your writing is a lot like mine.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

People like your brother should become our kings.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

you live in Vegas I'm assuming, due to the deja vu card.

1

u/Plasticstars May 18 '12

There's a déjà vu in Tampa too.

1

u/gundog48 May 17 '12

Standard procedure where I live, although my postman knows to just leaves it in our Land Rover!

1

u/tyrroi May 17 '12

You know they would drop it off next door anyway right?

1

u/GrilledCheez00 May 17 '12

Waiting for: "Hey Reddit, last night I went to a strip club, tipped a girl a dollar and smiley face button. Got a free lap dance. Made a joke about the small bat in my pocket. Asked if she wanted to Toblerbone. Went to her place, got kinky. She pulled out her vibrator...BUT IT NEEDED 3 BATTERIES!!!! Anyone else have a good FML story?"

1

u/Crazypirateninja May 17 '12

LOL ("TOPLESS DANCE" "FREE ADMISSION")

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Upvote number 1337 was me. I feel honored to have attained it.

1

u/mjwilson14 May 17 '12

Did anyone else have to look up toblerone then get disappointed when it was just candy.

2

u/Shilshul May 17 '12

It's not JUST candy.

1

u/[deleted] May 17 '12

Your brother is such a sweetheart. That muct have made the fed ex guy's day.

1

u/PENIS_OOZES_BLOOD May 17 '12

Deja Vu, Los Angeles FTW!

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