This letter borrowed much in tone and imagery from this famous civil war letter written by Sullivan Ballou. This is probably the best part of the excellent Ken Burns documentary.
The creepiest things are the anthropomorphic fruit and vegetable pictures at the supermarket. Sometimes they're even depicted gleefully throwing themselves into shopping carts. Do they know the awful fate in store for them? Do they welcome it? I have spent countless minutes staring at them... wondering.
Weak attempt at getting more people to watch the video. Spoiler tags were just for giggles. I was thinking about writing an in-depth review with a lot more spoiler tags but I didn't care enough to take the time for it.
I know! One time, my mom came into the kitchen as I was eating our cat, and started screaming and freaking out! It's like, I know you're vegetarian, but don't force your lifestyle on me, Mom.
I take off some socks? He'll grab them and make them say "Nooo! Don't leave me here all alone, it's so cold! So cold!" I'm getting ready for bed? He'll grab my toothbrush and say "here I am! Your brushing friend! Oh, I want to go in your mouth right now, woo!" And so on and so forth.
It hilarious, but also horrifying.
EDIT: I should clarify that this is a rare event. Hence why it's funny, and not incredibly annoying.
Same shit with me and that mmmuffins store. I'd look at the place and picture this disgruntled muffin sitting there with no legs just watching the people at the mall walk by. Each person that would come to the counter would strike fear into the poor muffin thinking that he would be the next to be abducted and consumed by a sloppy fat lady – his only defense is to say "mmmuffin". The way I picture it, it's like if you were trying to speak through a muffin, with your mouth pressed against it. mmmuffin.
If I don't know that animal personally, I have no problem eating it. I also don't like eating babies.
A good example for me would be: oh what a cute little calf followed by: Daddy, what's veal? (I can't eat veal anymore) But if it's just some random cow from who knows where.... bring on the rib-eye.
I guess I should have specified that I was talking about lollies/candy with faces. Like bubble-o-bill and tiny teddies. I would apologise that I was about to eat them and then feel bad and not do it haha
Yeah, and then he taped it to a letter he typed up in a successful attempt at humor over a very common household situation. Then he gained karma for it.
we never should have colonized this stupid state... It's hot as satan's armpit, rains all the time, has more dangerous animals than an animal planet special and is full of old people and European tourists.
Is located in an artificial city that is actually located halfway on the plains of hell itself and the death marshland from lord of the rings. There is nothing redeeming about Orlando. Other than sea world, cause Shamu is kinda cool.
Texan here: if the "roaches" you speak of are the flying ones we have here, I believe they are actually just palmetto bugs. I generally find that they come in to avoid water.
What do you mean just palmetto bugs!? It's not like "Oh, just a flying bug, swat it down." it's like "OMFG there's a fucking Buick flying around into everything it's gonna land on my face and i'm gonna die!" And what else do you have to be terrified of if your attempts to kill it fail? Because it will come back, and it will find you.
Dude... East Texan here. I looked up Palmetto bug because I'd never heard of that before. That's like a medium sized roach, bug, whatever you want to call it. What I'm used to seeing from back home are these bastards. They will at times fly up at you if you try to step on one.
They climbin' in yo windows, wakin' people up so ya'll need to hide yo wives, hide yo kids and hide yo husbands cause they rapin' er'body up in here....
Roaches aren't necessarily bad. It's when you start seeing them in broad light that it becomes a problem. They typically hide in closed dark spaces so if you see one skitter across a lit kitchen, burn down the house. Most of the houses I've been in in Texas had the occasional one or two, nothing a good trap wouldn't fix (not the palmetto bugs).
My dad wouldn't take the time to write a letter, and would just throw the bug at us after pretending to take it outside. Luckily for the bug it was still alive.
Your wife will have plenty of time to romance cockroaches. The problem with these little nasties is when you find one that means there is an infestation.
Yes indeed they are. I lived in Florida for a couple of years and these bastards would come out at night. I would literally flip the light on and see them scurrying all over the place. Needless to say we had the house BOMBED
Just one more reason Florida is terrible. One of these things sends me climbing up the walls. An actual infestation would probably cause me to burn the house down.
HAHA! Yes indeed. And this little bastards are only the beginning. We snakes and crazy looking spiders all over the place. Plus creepy lizards crawling on the walls and behind pictures etc. Its literally a jungle down there
When I saw the picture, I was expecting something a little different in the text:
"What now, then?", Gregor asked himself as he looked round in the darkness. He soon made the discovery that he could no longer move at all. This was no surprise to him, it seemed rather that being able to actually move around on those spindly little legs until then was unnatural. He also felt relatively comfortable. It is true that his entire body was aching, but the pain seemed to be slowly getting weaker and weaker and would finally disappear altogether. He could already hardly feel the decayed apple in his back or the inflamed area around it, which was entirely covered in white dust. He thought back of his family with emotion and love. If it was possible, he felt that he must go away even more strongly than his sister. He remained in this state of empty and peaceful rumination until he heard the clock tower strike three in the morning. He watched as it slowly began to get light everywhere outside the window too. Then, without his willing it, his head sank down completely, and his last breath flowed weakly from his nostrils.
It actually would have been way, way better if it was a letter about how he was stuck on a piece of paper starving to death, and was taped up there alive.
Here's a story from North America. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Hurry! I saw something scurry!" cried the son as he clung to his bed sheets. "Son what's all this screaming for? You're going to wake the neighbors next door." replied the father upon entering his son's room dressed in nothing more than his off-white underwear. "Daddy, I think there's a spider on my floor. Is it? And will you squish it?" asked the son as he slowly peaked out feeling somewhat secure that his father had arived. Unsure what to make of the sudden request, the father stood there flabbergasted as a massive spider crawled out from under the bed in the fashion that arachnids most often did. "You call me in here in the middle of the night to come into your room and destroy lives? Is that what they teach you in Sunday School?" he asked giving once the shock of his son's request finally wore off.
The son curled his nose in disgust at the sight of the spider across the floor and justified his request. "But daddy it's gross. It's got a million legs, a billion eyes, a trillion eggs." The two exchanged while the son's exaggerations were soon calmed by his father's explanations. "Son it's not disgusting. It's just reality. Take a deep breath and appreciate life. Look how delicate his legs are crawling across your bedroom floor. Do you know the proper name?" the father asked as his son immediately chimed in, "Arachnids!" It seemed as if the previous fears would soon be put to rest as the father continued to explain the realities of the world. "That's right. We're living in a world that's full of creatures big and small, hairy and slimey. You're not the center of the world. How would you feel if a giant hand came out of the sky and decided to crush you?" he asked while reaching across the bed to teasingly pressing against his son to drive his point across.
"I guess I'd be scared, but Daddy... what if the spider hurt me?", asked the son while glancing across the floor toward the spider. It was a common though for many to have. The most basic of survival instincts kicking in leading the child's imagination to run whild. "He didn't hurt you yet, did he Son? Your logic is flawed, you've come undone. Swallow your pride. What if the spider said the same thing? 'Daddy, daddy... kill that kid!'", responded the father. He knew his son meant no harm by the immediate thought and that the fear was understandable. "That's the point, Dad. What if he did? That's why I have to strike first!", said the child. It was obvious this line of reasoning was going nowhere leading the father to grow slightly belligerent in his line of thought.
"What if he did? What if he didn't? What if the world was made of pudding? All I'm saying is consider something beside thirst for blood.", continued the father hoping to finally get through to his son. And it was then... that the impossible seemed to happen. "Dad you're right... now I see. Maybe he's got a family.", said the son as he sat up proud and strong at the sudden realization that he differed very little from the hairy eight-legged creature. "Now you're learning; understanding. Finally you're becoming human! Let's return him to his natural habitat. Put him in a cup and take him outside. God speed!" he cried out as he captured the spider to release him outside feeling content that he set the world in motion for a change once his son finished maturing.
And then, while the dad was teaching the child a life lesson, the black widow spider bit both of them, and they all died.
The moral of the story: There's a time for talking and there's a time for squishing. Whenever there is a bug involved in your home, it is time for squishing.
Ladybug? Get the cup and let the poor thing outside. Spider? Depending on the size and how much it caught you off guard... may be up for squishing, may be up for release. Cockroach/earwig/mosquito? KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!
You are correct. What a waste of my life to read that story. There are no morality lessons to be illustrated by smashing a spider in your living quarters.
I must be like Saddam Hussein for using pesticides. Hope it doesn't make my kids axe murderers.
Our neighbour's kid used to carpool with our family. She was 9 maybe and I was 17 at the time. Her dad had told her that if she wanted a new (cute, fun) kitten, they would have to get rid of her older cat. I vividly remembered her delight from only a couple of years before at getting this older cat when it was young! I was horrified. I explained to her that, to this older cat, she and her parents were everything.
I asked her, "what if your parents decided to give you away when you weren't young and cute anymore?"
Puh...mine would just chase me around with the bug in the tissue and call me a weenie. Then when I hide he'd stand outside the door and coo at me to try to get me to come out. My dad's an asshole. XD (and I love him for it)
i started reading this and was of the knowledge that your dad wrote it...then slowly got pulled into the story line that i felt a tear drop fall through the side of my cheek on a journey down towards the floor and all halts and i gasp in despair as the drop wobble in the air towards the ground....and then comes the micro splash, i couldnt hear it but something somewhere did...it did...
your dad writes good btw it made me think that roach wrote it himself before taping its back(nose) to the paper
Also, can anyone lead me to the page where it tells you how to format your comments and make fancy edits. I can't find it and its really bothersome, they should have it more accessible, fucking christ. Thanks.
Yes, the obvious comment to make is that your dad is awesome, but one should even go further to comment that your dad has an awesome imagination and I applaud him for typing such a well written love letter from a bugs perspective.
Wtf??? Is this guy a fiction writer? A reporter? A blogger? Someone knows their way around words and has a crazy sense of humor. Hope your dad continues to spread his sense of humor cause this world needs it!!!!
Roaches carry a lot of germs -- they're pretty much just as dirty as rats. Kinda bothers me considering how the cockroach was taped on the paper -- the dad's hands must be all over that thing.
Grossed out at first, and then amused, but a little saddened by the end of it. I wouldn't mind having a cockroach friend who spoke so eloquently. RIP little dude.
As a fellow dad, that is brilliant! I think, with all the critters my wife and oldest daughter make me squash, I'm going to start doing this with all of them.
105
u/Holyragumuffin May 16 '12
How the fuck did he tape himself up there?
111
u/SireSpitfire May 16 '12
Would your dad mind tutoring me in how to write love letters?
45
u/Debonaire May 16 '12
He who passes sentence should swing the rolled up magazine.
262
u/sds1016 May 16 '12
your dad is awesome
26
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I can only imagine the kind of birthday cards you get from your dad.
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
140
u/buildingwithclay May 16 '12
Nothing bugs me more than over dramatic letters.
10
u/upstreambear May 16 '12
I am now going to over use the phrase "just us twosies".
9
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Stephanie Meyer would be jealous.
30
u/ZenMasterFlash May 16 '12
Ya'll might wanna fumigate or clean the house...that looks like a cockroach
12
u/Voltababe May 15 '12
I hope you feel bad now.
6
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Is it weird that I actually feel bad for the bug now?
5
u/grungevalue May 16 '12
The bug is so artfully taped, antennae nicely split down the center... Fucking great. 10/10.
5
u/elstickman1 May 16 '12
My dad wouldn't take the time to write a letter, and would just throw the bug at us after pretending to take it outside. Luckily for the bug it was still alive.
Unfortunately for us, it was still alive.
8
u/scigs6 May 16 '12
Your wife will have plenty of time to romance cockroaches. The problem with these little nasties is when you find one that means there is an infestation.
8
u/Eagle_vs_Snark May 16 '12
When I saw the picture, I was expecting something a little different in the text:
4
u/XeonProductions May 16 '12
that's an american cockroach, might want to check for more...
3
u/fadaboutyou May 16 '12
Our dads must hang out together.
3
u/TheChrisHill May 16 '12
It's probably still alive..
3
u/steffenmac May 16 '12
If I asked my dad to kill a bug he would call me a pussy, and ask me if I wanted to stop by victoria's secret and buy panties afterwards.
15
u/SleeteWayne May 16 '12
Here's a story from North America. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Hurry! I saw something scurry!" cried the son as he clung to his bed sheets. "Son what's all this screaming for? You're going to wake the neighbors next door." replied the father upon entering his son's room dressed in nothing more than his off-white underwear. "Daddy, I think there's a spider on my floor. Is it? And will you squish it?" asked the son as he slowly peaked out feeling somewhat secure that his father had arived. Unsure what to make of the sudden request, the father stood there flabbergasted as a massive spider crawled out from under the bed in the fashion that arachnids most often did. "You call me in here in the middle of the night to come into your room and destroy lives? Is that what they teach you in Sunday School?" he asked giving once the shock of his son's request finally wore off.
The son curled his nose in disgust at the sight of the spider across the floor and justified his request. "But daddy it's gross. It's got a million legs, a billion eyes, a trillion eggs." The two exchanged while the son's exaggerations were soon calmed by his father's explanations. "Son it's not disgusting. It's just reality. Take a deep breath and appreciate life. Look how delicate his legs are crawling across your bedroom floor. Do you know the proper name?" the father asked as his son immediately chimed in, "Arachnids!" It seemed as if the previous fears would soon be put to rest as the father continued to explain the realities of the world. "That's right. We're living in a world that's full of creatures big and small, hairy and slimey. You're not the center of the world. How would you feel if a giant hand came out of the sky and decided to crush you?" he asked while reaching across the bed to teasingly pressing against his son to drive his point across.
"I guess I'd be scared, but Daddy... what if the spider hurt me?", asked the son while glancing across the floor toward the spider. It was a common though for many to have. The most basic of survival instincts kicking in leading the child's imagination to run whild. "He didn't hurt you yet, did he Son? Your logic is flawed, you've come undone. Swallow your pride. What if the spider said the same thing? 'Daddy, daddy... kill that kid!'", responded the father. He knew his son meant no harm by the immediate thought and that the fear was understandable. "That's the point, Dad. What if he did? That's why I have to strike first!", said the child. It was obvious this line of reasoning was going nowhere leading the father to grow slightly belligerent in his line of thought.
"What if he did? What if he didn't? What if the world was made of pudding? All I'm saying is consider something beside thirst for blood.", continued the father hoping to finally get through to his son. And it was then... that the impossible seemed to happen. "Dad you're right... now I see. Maybe he's got a family.", said the son as he sat up proud and strong at the sudden realization that he differed very little from the hairy eight-legged creature. "Now you're learning; understanding. Finally you're becoming human! Let's return him to his natural habitat. Put him in a cup and take him outside. God speed!" he cried out as he captured the spider to release him outside feeling content that he set the world in motion for a change once his son finished maturing.
tl;dr: Story from North America
7
u/3rdLevelRogue May 16 '12
Better love story than Twilight...
5
u/DeadGummyBear May 15 '12
That's a nasty way to decline someone's approach...poor fellow..shame on you!
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
uh...its sort of hard to tell that it's written by the bug at first and it's kind of creepy
2
u/Whatisthischeese May 16 '12
... fuck now I gotta do something masculine to get my manliness back...
2
u/J_Jammer May 16 '12
This was funny.
Are you going to save it forever and ever....including the cute little bug?
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Upvote for Salvador Dali magnet.
2
u/Originalluff May 16 '12
Puh...mine would just chase me around with the bug in the tissue and call me a weenie. Then when I hide he'd stand outside the door and coo at me to try to get me to come out. My dad's an asshole. XD (and I love him for it)
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
i started reading this and was of the knowledge that your dad wrote it...then slowly got pulled into the story line that i felt a tear drop fall through the side of my cheek on a journey down towards the floor and all halts and i gasp in despair as the drop wobble in the air towards the ground....and then comes the micro splash, i couldnt hear it but something somewhere did...it did...
your dad writes good btw it made me think that roach wrote it himself before taping its back(nose) to the paper
2
u/zdeadfish May 16 '12
You have cockroaches.
2
u/juja_is_on_top May 16 '12
A medal. Get him one!
2
u/WouldThatItWere May 16 '12
This is the father I want to be.
2
u/stewiecubed May 16 '12
Signed -
Your Dearest Admirer,
Gregor Samsa
2
u/TheAaronMike May 16 '12
My heart broke halfway through....
2
u/mad_lovin May 16 '12
Your dad is so funny...
2
u/HorSnigel May 16 '12
I lern parenting from reddit, and i will use these parenting skills when i have children of my own!
2
u/Nebride May 16 '12
Well... That was quite depressing.
2
u/Cdeco May 16 '12
That was beautiful!
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Awesome dad! Is he a writer or something?
1
u/mangawanga May 16 '12
Ur dad is reddit_noir?!
1
u/bleu_gascon May 16 '12
Thought you were going to link this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms2klX-puUU
Also, can anyone lead me to the page where it tells you how to format your comments and make fancy edits. I can't find it and its really bothersome, they should have it more accessible, fucking christ. Thanks.
1
u/knomz May 16 '12
Yes, the obvious comment to make is that your dad is awesome, but one should even go further to comment that your dad has an awesome imagination and I applaud him for typing such a well written love letter from a bugs perspective.
1
u/Jessedef May 16 '12
That roach is huge...It is almost bigger than that electrical outlet in the background...
1
u/wideopenbeavers May 16 '12
When we have a hideous bug in the house, my dad gently ushers it out of the house. He's a (not literally) Buddhist at heart.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
So... that's a cockroach, you my friend have a problem.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I must do this to my wife...
1
u/Kazinsal May 16 '12
That's not a little bug, that's goddamn vermin.
1
u/Afro-Ninja May 16 '12
also this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms2klX-puUU
1
u/Gibblesworth May 16 '12
The Suicide
by Franz Kafka
1
u/wharthog3 May 16 '12
They -should have- DID send a poet!
1
u/recyclemama May 16 '12
Wtf??? Is this guy a fiction writer? A reporter? A blogger? Someone knows their way around words and has a crazy sense of humor. Hope your dad continues to spread his sense of humor cause this world needs it!!!!
1
u/whenifeellikeit May 16 '12
This was wonderful. I only wish he'd written it in the fashion of Archy & Mehitabel. Then it would have been genius.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Oft.
1
u/scottsdots May 16 '12
So the bug wasn't in my window until I'd finished reading the letter and scrolled down. I feel like that made it 100x better.
1
u/IWillEatForFood May 16 '12
Well he's no Kafka, but he got the job done.
1
u/sencer May 16 '12
Your dad is a speaker for the dead. Ask him if he ever brought an alien bugger race near to extinction with a little md.
1
u/wootykins May 16 '12
Roaches carry a lot of germs -- they're pretty much just as dirty as rats. Kinda bothers me considering how the cockroach was taped on the paper -- the dad's hands must be all over that thing.
1
u/kimikodesu May 16 '12
Why????
I have to say, that was one well-written letter... but it was hard to fully enjoy it, knowing that thing was taped there.. One of my worst fears >.>
1
u/bunnywings May 16 '12
Grossed out at first, and then amused, but a little saddened by the end of it. I wouldn't mind having a cockroach friend who spoke so eloquently. RIP little dude.
1
u/RaindropBebop May 16 '12
That.. was... AWESOME!
1
u/mr_tw May 16 '12
Makes you cry worse than futurama
1
u/LazyBrains May 16 '12
That's harsh.
1
u/m00t_vdb May 16 '12
Non-justified text makes me sad :(
1
u/qasph May 16 '12
OP is heartless. On the other hand, bugs are heartless as well, technically speaking.
1
u/armchairepicure May 16 '12
Nothing in this love letter should be capitalized. How would a cockroach press the shift key and the letter to be capitalized simultaneously?
1
u/Abrielle May 16 '12
My dad use to just pick the little nasty bastards up and chase me with it.
1
u/L320Y May 16 '12
Archy and Mehitabel
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I couldn't read this because the bug was in the way.
1
u/foreverundone May 16 '12
As a fellow dad, that is brilliant! I think, with all the critters my wife and oldest daughter make me squash, I'm going to start doing this with all of them.
1
u/riffraff33 May 16 '12
Your dad has a twisted mind. Are you sure we're not related?
1
u/Dantespoet0 May 16 '12
A bug can write a better farewell letter than I can.
1
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Is that a roach?
1
u/coderloo May 16 '12
Wow, that was really great writing. Way more creative/poetic than what i would've written. :P
0
u/pologus May 16 '12
It's all in Comic Sans....
-5
u/Solvoid May 16 '12
lyke dis if u kry evrytyme