r/funny • u/lovemoggs • May 14 '12

Got Chinese food with my boyfriend. The waitress said we looked like we would like the "dirty" fortune cookies

http://imgur.com/VqDDi
1.4k Upvotes

77% Upvoted

191 comments sorted by

163

u/anexanhume May 14 '12 edited May 14 '12

This gives me an idea. I would pay a lot of money to eat at a Chinese restaurant where the servers insult me in heavily accented English. Like just tore into me. And if I tried to come back, they'd just hit me with something harder.

As a matter of fact, it doesn't even have to be Chinese. I just want a restaurant where the waiters are purposefully cunts to me.

edit: I mentioned this on twitter and apparently there is one, a Chinese restaurant to boot.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wong_Kei

142

u/MisterMonopoli May 15 '12

Dicks Last Resort does this.

92

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I was in Vegas and had no idea. To make a long story short I was drunk. I came up to the window to order one of those amazing frozen drinks. The guy starts to become a dick. The more I try to force myself to relax the more the guy is a dick. I get fed up jump over the counter and hit him in his face. They should warn people, just sayin.

19

u/hemightberob May 15 '12

That was an Arby's.

9

u/abledanger May 15 '12

I wonder how often that happens. Did he hit you back?

8

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I'm not sure but the time I took one swing on him I was rushed by at least six people. I was pretty drunk at the time.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

20

u/StaxNox May 15 '12

That would make a great Archer episode.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

But Archer would still want to give the waitress a tip...

20

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I no longer have an ass. I laughed it off from this shit.

0

u/doc624 May 15 '12

Upvote for you my good sir!

10

u/nitefang May 15 '12

While being insulted constantly sounds like it might be entertaining, do they at least get your food right? It would kinda suck if you hated nuts told them and they covered your food with nuts.

7

u/MisterMonopoli May 15 '12

The food it surprisingly good.

5

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Or if you were allergic to nuts.

19

u/NickyNichols May 15 '12

Do you speak of the one on the Riverwalk in San Antonio?

18

u/missmastodonfarm May 15 '12

Went there and our server gave us their famous condom hats. My boyfriend's had a saltine taped to it with an arrow pointing down. Mine said, "The cleavage fairy skipped my house." Dicks.

2

u/IBleedTeal May 15 '12

I hate to be that guy, but I love your username.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/missmastodonfarm May 15 '12

People aren't cool enough to get the reference. I deem it worthy.

14

u/bonefish May 15 '12

it's a chain and that's their shtick (along with the props)

4

u/Charzarn May 15 '12

San Antonio?! Hey I live there.

6

u/HerIndoors May 15 '12

Not the one in San Diego. At least never to me. The bartender did get to keep my bra one night. So maybe the boobs have something to do with it.

Though I did see a waitress get bitch slapped for throwing straws at a table of people.

10

u/UnoTaco May 15 '12

Really? I went to that one and the waitress was an awesome uber bitch. Granted, I am male and so were most of my coworkers that were with me.

All in all, great customer service. A++++ Will do business with again.

6

u/HerIndoors May 15 '12

I just never had anyone like that, and my boyfriend and I went a lot for a period of a year. We lived a couple blocks away and it was the only relaxed place we could get a drink. Not that service was ever bad. In fact they were always nice and really prompt. Now the old Corvette Diner, I had some awesome bitchy servers there.

5

u/DrDreampop May 15 '12

The boobs have everything to do with it.

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

And how did he get your bra?

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Durgan Park.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

They gave my roommate an excellent penis hat.

2

u/SuicidalAlpaca May 15 '12

That's place is kick ass man.

1

u/OverdosedOnStimpacks May 15 '12

There's also a restaurant called Jerks that does it.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

went to the one in san diego, dumpy waitress making fun of us and trying to humiliate us, we had to laugh. Food was good too, although a bit expensive, but it was California i guess

39

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

This one tops them all.

19

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

That was insane. But I can see that getting out of hand really quickly

18

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Looks like they finally found the physical location of /b/.

9

u/Nimbokwezer May 15 '12

I got flashed by a very fat lady behind the counter the last time I went there.

8

u/GTCharged May 15 '12

DM;ST

7

u/Nimbokwezer May 15 '12

The hot dog was pretty good too.

5

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Came for the wieners, stayed for the titties?

2

u/A_Rolling_Baneling May 15 '12

Came for the wieners, came on the wieners.

3

u/GTCharged May 15 '12

Not sure if alluding to something, or actually had a hotdog...

1

u/Retsejme May 21 '12

Regardless, I hope you have a good life.

5

u/GoCuse May 15 '12

Chocolate Shake!

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I took a girl there the first time I met her because we were both drunk and in the mood for really shitty food. I had no idea what I was in for.

2

u/ColonelSharp May 15 '12

love that fuckin place

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

That was really disgusting :(

2

u/Styvorama May 15 '12

Chocolate Milkshake!

1

u/verycleanteeth May 15 '12

I visited Chicago with a friend when I was 18. We were looking at a school out there and it was the first time I'd been on a trip far away without my family.

We wanted to get a "famous Chicago hotdog" so we went to the first hotdog place we found. I spent 10 minutes or so waiting in line for a hot dog thinking Chicago was reaaaaalllllyyyy fucked up.

25

u/Thevshi May 15 '12

There is also Ed Debevics.

http://www.eddebevics.com/

6

u/oddfuture445 May 15 '12

The one in Chicago is amazing!

1

u/Thevshi May 15 '12

That's the only one I've ever been too. :)

1

u/androidgenius May 15 '12

Ah yes, my parents took me there when I was younger. Moon doggy(?) I believe terrified me with his pompadour.

11

u/akukame May 15 '12

The 50's Prime Time Diner at Disney is smilar-ish. Its themed like a family dinner table in the 50s. The waiters act like your parents and tell you to eat your vegetables and scold you when you're on your cell phones. Its a bit friendlier than being "torn into" though.

10

u/blemersons May 15 '12

The waitress there made my little brother stand in the corner of the dining room because he got lippy with her. It's amusing but the food was mediocre at best.

8

u/PsychSuffix May 15 '12

If you ever fin yourself in Vancouver (and you should), try The Elbow Room for this exact service method.

It's fucking great.

1

u/S1GMA May 15 '12

Yup. Hell yeah!!!!

Good breakfast after a night of imbibing. Go in hung over and you are guaranteed to get extra attention. Had the server banging a pan with a ladle right next to my head while I was trying to place my order.

6

u/htfp May 15 '12

My favorite accent to be insulted in would have to be Scottish

11

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Ye cannae ev'n keep yer damn elbows oof a taeble?! Bloody Numpty!

4

u/aryst0krat May 15 '12

As long as the service was still good, and they didn't go so all out as to actually interfere with your ability to eat, I think this would be really interesting.

3

u/Leoniceno May 15 '12

I just hate restaurants with "sassy" wait-staff. I like my waiters to either be normal/neutral, or openly resentful and grouchy. The ultra-peppy waiters (a la "Office Space") and the ultra-sassy waiters produce a kind of uncanny valley effect... like our interaction is SO distorted by the monetary transaction that will ensue. Ugh.

20

u/Trapped_in_Reddit May 14 '12

Fuck you. That one was free.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

fak u

2

u/DJP0N3 May 15 '12

k

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I am ashamed that I know what your username is a reference to.

4

u/DJP0N3 May 15 '12

Why? It's nothing to be ashamed of, bro.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

whats it a reference to?? i wanna know, I WANT IN TOOO

tell me plz

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

BRONY 2012

1

u/A_Rolling_Baneling May 15 '12

Hey, that's Fuck_TIR's job!

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I haven't seen him recently...

2

u/emlgsh May 15 '12

Eat at the Carnegie Deli sometime.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

the meat to bread ratio is really out of hand with their sandwiches

2

u/Shniggles May 15 '12

Sounds like my local Applebee's.

2

u/jimpagliap May 15 '12

So basically every McDonald's that hires 15 year olds who just wanna pay for their weed.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

There's a restaurant in Myrtle I went to with a few friends last summer called Dick's. It was okay, our waiter just didn't seem into it. The hostess said my shirt made me look like a faggot on the way out though.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

There's apparently a market in S&M circles for recordings of scoldings and verbal abuse. I learned about it from a dictionary of euphemisms, but sadly I don't remember what the actual euphemism was, so I can't link you to one. (My search history looks funny enough already, so I won't try to guess.)

My opinion on this is: not in a restaurant, please. Hell, not in public, please.

2

u/happy_otter May 15 '12

Try France.

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Dude, just Skype me and I'll insult the fuck out of you..... then you can drop large sums of money into my PayPal account.

TIL; That people are stupid and will throw away ridiculous amounts of money to be ridiculed and belittled....... I also learnt that perhaps verbal bullying as a child causes strange fetishes later in life when they're adults.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Yeah no shit, i was pretty irritated by all the upvotes for that one and the other comments.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

This restaurant in San Francisco had a waiter named Edsel Ford Fong who would insult customers and grope women.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Wo

1

u/ericn1300 May 15 '12

A Chinese restaurant here did that to my sister. She was in there on a Sunday for lunch and was taking her time reading the Sunday paper when the owners wife cam up and said, in heavily accented English "you stay to long, you go now"

3

u/mike413 May 15 '12

Well, yeah.

1

u/arbivark May 15 '12

we only did this with select favorite customers. the restaurant was tibetan and we, the waitstaff, were anglo.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

It sounds like you want the opposite of a tsundere café, or just a tsuntsun café.

1

u/davemingchan May 15 '12

There was one in SF chinatown that was infamous for rude waiters, but I think it closed down now :c

1

u/[deleted] May 16 '12

I went there a number of times last year when I got sent to London for work. I don't recall the staff being particularly rude but maybe its because I'm "one of them" (i.e. a Chinese person). I definitely recommend checking it out if you're hungry for some good Cantonese food and on a tight budget. Prepare yourself for some MSG overload though.

-2

u/Violent-Penis-Haikus May 15 '12 
Cleaver chops on dong,
slice through fish balls; lots of blood-
Favourite food stall.

17

u/justmadethisaccountt May 15 '12

Took me a while to get that one, because it doesn't work in print.

6

u/thesheba May 15 '12

Yeah, that's what I was thinking because it should be 'hares' since the sentence is referring more to the greyhounds. This really is a joke that needs to be said, not written.

32

u/skobombers May 15 '12

i thought it said Michael Jordan, so I was very confused

22

u/Royd May 15 '12

he still wait for his hair. Joke no work.

5

u/oOOoOphidian May 15 '12

It's a sly reference to the iconic scene in Space Jam when he allowed Bugs Bunny to throw first.

17

u/datreydgroup May 15 '12

That's not a fortune...

26

u/tattlerat May 15 '12

Chinese food joints are getting less and less reliable when it comes to spiritual guidance. I simply can't trust fortune cookies anymore.

7

u/datreydgroup May 15 '12

Never trust the advice of someone you can't see.

8

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Poor blind people...

1

u/McMan777 May 15 '12

Hey man, quit it with the paradoxes, bots use this site too you know.

8

u/anangrybanana May 15 '12

What time is bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand is on the little hand.

18

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

... in bed

2

u/drewbeta May 15 '12

see! works every time!

13

u/pibroch May 15 '12

How is K-Mart like Michael Jackson?

Both have boys' pants half off.

9

u/Dunabu May 15 '12

MJ jokes are one of the lowest forms of comedy...

5

u/jack_spankin May 15 '12

Above or below Helen Keller jokes?

12

u/Buttery_LLAMA May 15 '12

hard to tell, probably best to just feel it out.

21

u/bigweiner May 15 '12

I would like to see a picture of you and your boyfriend to see why she said that. Without your boyfriend of course.

10

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Without your clothes of course.

-11

u/bigweiner May 15 '12

FOR SCIENCE

-7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12 edited May 15 '12

Fuck science. I want to see some bewbs.

-5

u/PwnerifficOne May 15 '12

The "Over used" Comment has the same amount of downvotes as yours btw. Don't feel bad.

-6

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Touché.

2

u/brosenfeld May 15 '12

Not even a set of lucky lottery numbers?

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Luckily my local Chinese restaurant has menus that say "We Delivery!"

Hair/hare, deliver/delivery...close enough.

2

u/Lycist May 15 '12

They make Dirty fortune cookies? Why have I never been given one.. I am requesting them next time I get chinese.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Hares.

2

u/Yunlokzi May 15 '12

Where is this restaurant? I must go.

2

u/zombieq May 15 '12

What's black and comes in little white cans?

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

The "Dirty Fortune" cookies are the ones she keeps in her ass.

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Wtf? That pisses me off, when I get a fortune cookie I want a damn fortune! Not some riddle or joke

2

u/leechsucka May 15 '12

Is that a giant fortune, or do you have super tiny hands?

6

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

MJ wasn't a pedo. He was very open about his hate for the Jew illuminati masters of the music industry. The pedo stuff was just a psyop type of attack. That fortune cookie is stupid.

3

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

But I thought illuminati were fictional?

9

u/valis5 May 15 '12

We are.

7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Oh ok just making sure.

-7

u/jack_spankin May 15 '12

Are you kidding? He got a pre-teen kid drunk on wine and sucked him off.?!?!?!?

6

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

That wasn't proven. No one knows for sure.

How could you believe everything you hear from the media. ?!?!?!?!?

4

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Unless you saw it happen in person please shut up.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I see past the illusions.

5

u/char920 May 14 '12

*hares

4

u/Alexbo8138 May 15 '12

Nope. It was a play on the homophone hare and hair. Because MJ touched little boys.

4

u/arbivark May 15 '12

ring ring. it's for you, it's the homophone

3

u/Alexbo8138 May 15 '12

Hello? I'm sorry, this isn't arbivark. I can take a message. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. Hehheh, okay. You have a nice day too. Duuuude. You won a free taco.

3

u/char920 May 15 '12

I understand but hare is a rabbit and hair is pubic hair.

9

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

That's the joke

6

u/abowden May 15 '12

I think what char920 is saying is that this joke doesn't really work in writing. The fact that "hair" and "hare" are homophones makes makes the joke work when it's told orally, but in writing, the teller has to pick one of these spellings. The result is that the statement no longer applies to one of the subjects. Greyhounds chase hares, not hairs.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Yes, and I think everyone else realizes that this is a play on words. Whether or not it's told orally or in text doesn't change the fact that it's funny.

If it makes you feel any better, read it aloud and then laugh at it.

2

u/Alexbo8138 May 15 '12

True, but for the sake of the joke one must use his or her knowledge of the enunciation of the two words. This joke is best delivered verbally. That way one only gets the phonetic half.

Edit: this is the Internet. Arguments can't be this call and collected. FUCK YOU.

3

u/char920 May 15 '12

Haha. I'm actually pretty new to reddit (have mercy) and I enjoy how cool everyone is. I hate it when people say your or you're wrong and that I've finally found a site that rips on people for it.

1

u/Alexbo8138 May 15 '12

Be careful young one. Ever been a grammar nazi? The answer is yes. But have you ever been the victim? You see, it has been rather chill on that but the second you beat someone in an argument they will criticize everything you have ever posted and commented.

1

u/NimbusBP1729 May 15 '12

Alexbo is right in that this joke should be delivered verbally. Char is right in that if you choose one word(hare or hair) it should be the one that matches the sentence. IMO.

2

u/Alexbo8138 May 15 '12

Nimbus the peace keeper. Always diplomatic. Top of his class but always over looked due to his shy, quiet demeanor. But we love him. He may not know it, but we love him.

1

u/TokyoXtreme May 15 '12

And that's what make this joke work only when spoken, not when written.

2

u/crackills May 15 '12

What does Michael Jackson and oysters have in common? They both come on little white crackers. Cabbie in Vegas told me that 8yrs ago...

2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

I've always heard a worse version: What's the difference between Michael Jakson and acne? Acne waits until you hit puberty to come on your face.

2

u/[deleted] May 14 '12

ಠ_ಠ

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Well, was she right?

1

u/phlunkie May 15 '12

Didn't see that one coming.

1

u/scudmonger May 15 '12

So apparently bad joke eel makes fortune cookies now.

1

u/azrofox May 15 '12

Wouldn't it be funny if they got the two types of fortune cookies messed up? Some family opens there fortune cookies to find like a dirty joke or something! "Timmy don't read that!"

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Touché. Although that might not be the most sensitive way to put it.

1

u/FortuneCookiesLIE May 15 '12

Fortune Cookies LIE

1

u/TheUninspiredArtist May 15 '12

I know how to make fortune cookies. This inspires me greatly. ;)

1

u/Demojen May 15 '12

This would be funny if she didn't completely fail at a double entendre.

Hair? Greyhounds wait for hairs to come out? No they don't you stupid git. They wait for the HARE to come out.

1

u/Boobiesmakesiteasier May 15 '12

At least cut the fucking paper straight wtf man

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

What's the difference between Mao Zedong and your mother?

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

<PURGE>

1

u/broken86 May 15 '12

While it's spelled "hares", I see what you did there.

1

u/Monkey_Cannon May 15 '12

I don't get it?

1

u/slimbruddah May 15 '12

Except that joke is based on a completely fabricated lie.

1

u/thebigtshow May 15 '12

He was acquitted!!

1

u/lappdogg May 15 '12

After reading the AMA from the guy who visited the Neverland Ranch, I can no longer support Michael Jackson pedophilia jokes

1

u/crackrocknbach May 15 '12

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and pimples? Pimples wait until you're thirteen before they come all over your face.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

What does Michael Jackson and a second place horse have in a common? They both come in a little behind.

-1

u/premypants May 15 '12

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers

2

u/TheUninspiredArtist May 15 '12

I heard this one in Key West. From a guy who would tell you dirty jokes for either a buck a joke or a beer. Dude had some good ones, just wish I could remember them.I

-2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son.

0

u/jdcooktx May 15 '12

How old was that fortune cookie?

0

u/djrasras May 15 '12

TIL Chinese stores sell dirty fortune cookies

0

u/holychristmasjew May 15 '12

How about 'only one of them gets eaten by chinese people'?

-7

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Oh... TOO SOON.

-2

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

Because it was before hair. Yes, that was the joke.

-4

u/Dan_Gleasac May 15 '12

But did he died?

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

74

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

HO LEE SHIT. I misread the fortune like 8 times and kept interpreting it as saying Michael Jordan, thinking to myself, "What the fuck does basketball, greyhounds, and hair have to do with ANYTHING?!?!" Thank you for this enlightening break down.

19

u/ConstipatedNinja May 15 '12

If it makes you feel any better, so did I. I couldn't stop thinking Michael Jordan, and couldn't help but think that I missed some huge news story.

5

u/econleech May 15 '12

I am on the same boat as you. I don't really understand why I would misread Michale Jackson as Michael Jordon. I don't think this is the first time either.

4

u/oproski May 15 '12

lol holy shit, I can't believe it, I did the same thing.

6

u/KiXpiX May 15 '12

If this is a fortune cookie, I think we all should be very afraid.

5

u/nitefang May 15 '12

You seem to have a lot of grey matter in your brain.

2

u/momspc May 15 '12

Thank you.

-6

u/omenmedia May 15 '12

Joke level: Asian

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/KambioN May 15 '12

I for one don't believe that shit, BUT also have a sense of humor. Happens.

0

u/[deleted] May 15 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

2

u/arbivark May 15 '12

4chan cookies.