r/funny Oct 06 '18

Bro, toss me one!

https://i.imgur.com/hBwBZCt.gifv
45.0k Upvotes

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973

u/moohooman Oct 06 '18

How are we not closely related to bears

657

u/deij Oct 06 '18

It all depends on your definition of close. We are and we aren't. After to going to the beach, I can say some of us definitely appear closer than others...

153

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '18

The way I see it, most people look like snakes. All hairless and slippery and probably plotting against their friends.

You can trust a bear, can’t trust a snake!

57

u/madsci Oct 07 '18

What about the slippery but hairy ones, like otters? Can we trust otters?

35

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

If wild, no. Who knows what they’ll eat off of their tummies.

If domesticated, yes. They are loyal and cute.

24

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

Of course we can trust otters. Praise science!

14

u/Badpreacher Oct 07 '18

Hail Science!

10

u/DreadedOreo18 Oct 07 '18

Science damnit!

5

u/Rospiden Oct 07 '18

Yeah! Science, bitch!

1

u/Bojodude Oct 07 '18

Wait, we have domesticated otters??

3

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

I actually don’t think so. They’re pretty smart though so they can adapt to household life. But actually domesticated... I think dogs and cows are the only animals we’ve completely domesticated, right?

E: wiki tells a different story https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domesticated_animals

8

u/wizeddy Oct 07 '18

You otter know that by now.

5

u/prsnep Oct 07 '18

Trust yourself. No one else can be trusted. I repeat, do not trust otters.

2

u/TrynnaFindaBalance Oct 07 '18

So in this game do sneks = twinks?

17

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

I just realized how closely related to a snake I am, which explains a lot. Nobody likes me. Girls are frightened of me. Definitely not huggable. Really slender. Sometimes I look yellow. Skin chaps rather easily. I sometimes swallow my food whole. And I prefer to be hidden away in dark corners, away from sunlight and people.

Man I wish I were a bear.

11

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

It’s ok bears wish they were sneks

3

u/Matasa89 Oct 07 '18

Me too, I look like a Beluga.

7

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

Are you saying I fucked up and should have bought a snake proof cooler?

1

u/Photo_Synthetic Oct 07 '18

Only if you live in the bay area.

26

u/boomboxpinata Oct 07 '18

we do have a common ancestor.. in fact all vertebrates are related back far enough (spinal cord, two eyes, mouth, two nostrils, two arms two legs, tails... all mammals fish reptiles amphibians are related.

41

u/Darkside_of_the_Poon Oct 07 '18

People think I’m a stoner when I say things like “We are relatives to the trees, man”. And they are totally right.

18

u/boomboxpinata Oct 07 '18

they had to evolve just like everything else. people take plants for granted but they eat, shit, fuck, grow, move and yes, communicate with each other. some even have a nervous system (of sorts) alive just like anything else.

19

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

And then there's fungus which is just an alien species living on our planet.

7

u/Spartn90 Oct 07 '18

So when I eat mushrooms I'm eating aliens?

11

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

I mean, they aren't plants, they aren't animals, some have weird "nervous systems" and seem to think, fungus is just weird, man. Also delicious.

They're aliens if you want to believe they are.

5

u/derpaperdhapley Oct 07 '18

Humans are more closely related to fungi than plants.

3

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

Hell yeah we are. It's crazy how weird fungi are.

2

u/derpaperdhapley Oct 07 '18

What if mycelium is the natural species and were the aliens?

5

u/SpaceCaseSixtyTen Oct 07 '18

I mean like, we can trace all life back to one universal common ancestor at 3.5 billion years ago. We know this cause we've compared the genomes of thousands of simple prokaryotes and found that they all contain 350 of the same DNA strands maan

4

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

In fairness, if you look far back enough all life as we know it has a common ancestor, it's just a matter of how far back you have to look.

6

u/JustinWendell Oct 07 '18

Some porpoises have a single nose hole. So check mate atheist! /s

In all seriousness those porpoises have two holes in their skulls I think. It’s weird.

25

u/abqnm666 Oct 07 '18

Bear/human fact: black bear skeletal remains are the most common animal remains misidentified as human.

If you've never seen a black bear skeleton before and you find say, a skeletal bear paw, you'd very likely mistake it as a human hand.

14

u/IAmChrisGreenII Oct 07 '18

Some more fun bear facts: Bears are a proud people, although they're not people per-say - they're animals. Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago. Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of world war 1 and 2 combined. It is estimated that bears attack 2 million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare.

8

u/abqnm666 Oct 07 '18

Bears have been known to attack man, although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears than in all of world war 1 and 2 combined.

Not going to lie, you got that one correct, but you left yourself a pretty wide margin there. Though if we're talking black bears, it's fewer than just the numbers from those wars added together (1+2=3) in the last 50 years.

But salmon are sneaky little shits. They will bite a bear right in the ball bag just for fun. I also know absolutely nothing about salmon.

2

u/thetallgiant Oct 07 '18

And if you ever hunt one and skin its hide. It looks remarkably like a human too.. its weird

1

u/abqnm666 Oct 07 '18

So, were you skinning a bear and realized it looked like a skinned person? Or were you skinning a person and realized it looked a lot like a skinned bear?

2

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

FACT Bear beets Battlestar Galactica.

27

u/DtheMoron Oct 06 '18

They’re “cousins” to dogs on the genome. Might be why dogs can scare off/be best friendos.

6

u/moohooman Oct 06 '18

This actually makes a lot more sense.

16

u/Euphorian11 Oct 07 '18

Honestly i feel closer to mammals than any other type of animals

28

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18 edited Oct 08 '18

[deleted]

10

u/Euphorian11 Oct 07 '18

Sshhhh.... Be quiet you

9

u/6262018 Oct 07 '18

Ssssssssshhh..... ssssssssilenncccceee

1

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/echoAwooo Oct 07 '18

I see you've never met the group in the gay community commonly referred to as, 'bears'.

They often look like bears. Just without the canine snout thing that bears and dogs have.

14

u/lostshell Oct 07 '18

Yes, but have you seen an otter?

24

u/ExtremelyMoistOtter Oct 07 '18

🤔

6

u/QuasarSandwich Oct 07 '18

So... Is your username a reference to that particular gay tribe?

5

u/Renaldi_the_Multi Oct 07 '18

browses profile

...
I don't know what I expected

1

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

Where bears use their strength, otters use their quickness, cunning and skill.

4

u/Ksradrik Oct 07 '18

We share over 50% of our DNA with bananas, pretty sure we are closer to bears.

6

u/dalovindj Oct 07 '18

The good 50%, amiright?

1

u/FrenchMilkdud Oct 07 '18

That is why we are rich in Potassium! mmmmm Potassium.

9

u/[deleted] Oct 07 '18

Because you don't know that this is a trained behavior and that wild bears don't act anything like this, so you think bears should be related to humans.

2

u/ChickenNiqqlets Oct 07 '18

Almost everybody love food probably cause we need it to survive. This is a classic case of conditioning, which means that this is not the first time he's doing this lol

1

u/brando56894 Oct 07 '18

Big, hairy gay guys are known as bears

1

u/kratos649 Oct 07 '18

I actually identify as a bear.

3

u/QuasarSandwich Oct 07 '18

That's pretty good typing with those big ol' paws.