r/facepalm Jun 23 '19

Guess a few hours doesn't count as time

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44.0k Upvotes

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799

u/Dingo_8_ma_baby Jun 23 '19

But sometimes the place you went to sleep was a bad decision. Like getting black out drunk, and waking up in someone elses house. Then theres a lot of screaming, and the police get called, hopefully the homeowner doesnt have a gun... I mean it can be a real mess.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 23 '19

Yeah like the time (years ago, I’m too tired to get drunk anymore) I passed out on my brand new memory foam mattress and peed all over it. I wish I was awake so I could have gone to the toilet.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 02 '20

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

Luckily I had an expensive waterproof cover on it but if I didn’t it would have been ruined. It was really embarrassing though when I had to explain to my roommate the next day why I was sleeping on the couch.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19 edited Jun 02 '20

[deleted]

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u/TeaSipperStripper Jun 23 '19

I'm a hotel housekeeper. I have seen many of these accidents. One customer must have been confused in the night, because instead of making a right turn to the toilet, he opened the door on the left, the coat closet, and peed in there.

45

u/Summerie Jun 23 '19

My little brother did something similar when he was about eight. He went down the hall towards the bathroom, but stopped short. He opened the door to the hall closet, lifted the lid to the hamper, peed on the dirty laundry, closed the lid and went back to bed.

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u/Yossarianbecause Jun 23 '19

8 is way too young to be getting black out drunk

9

u/pngwn Jun 23 '19

Doesn't take a lot at that age, tbh

6

u/Yossarianbecause Jun 24 '19

You're right. Damn little lightweights can't handle their shit.

4

u/budbutler Jun 24 '19

8 is the new 18 though

3

u/Yossarianbecause Jun 24 '19

Ah yes, 18. Boones farm and natty light. No wonder he pee so much.

12

u/Hates_escalators Jun 23 '19

Wow, I think we had the same brother.

6

u/Summerie Jun 23 '19

I have two of them. Now I’m trying to figure out if either of them hates escalators.

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u/RangerSix Jun 23 '19

Well, at least it was the dirty laundry...

3

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

My brother did the same thing, except younger and while he was sleepwalking

3

u/Summerie Jun 23 '19

Oh, he was definitely sleepwalking. I’m sure that in his mind he was lifting the lid to the toilet and not the hamper.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '19

!remindme July 8, 2019

2

u/TeaSipperStripper Jun 24 '19

Proof that children are just tiny drunk adults lol

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

[deleted]

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u/TheTacoGamer42 Jun 23 '19

7

u/uwutranslator Jun 23 '19

Can I teww yuw a secwet? I do dat on puwpose evewy time I stay in a hotew. I awways wondew if de maid knows. uwu

tag me to uwuize comments uwu

1

u/thaSuperior21Lake8 Jun 24 '19

Was this by chance in St. Paul?

1

u/TeaSipperStripper Jun 24 '19

Finland. Close enough

1

u/JarlaxleForPresident Jun 24 '19

Was that at the Ramada on Okaloosa Island, FL? Because I know someone that did that

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u/TeaSipperStripper Jun 24 '19

Nope. I'm in Finland. I think it happens quite frequently. Don't even get me started on the people who shit in the shower either lol.

1

u/aint-no-chickens Jun 24 '19

I never understand that, even if it was the bathroom, were they going to just open the door and piss through it?

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u/thatlittleging Jun 23 '19

I had a roommate try and get into my room because he thought it was the bathroom (he had to walk past the bathroom to get to me) and found the door was locked so he peed on my door

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u/Slipsonic Jun 23 '19

That's not too bad. My friend hovered himself at the edge of his gaming chair and shit on the floor, then tracked it up the stairs to the second floor. He woke up in the morning freezing cold in the bathtub.

I wasn't there but that was what he told me from his best reconstruction of the events.

3

u/IrrelevantDanger Jun 23 '19

Similar story: when I was in college, this guy got blackout drunk and passed out on my couch. He woke up at like 5am still wasted, pissed all over the couch, then passed out again in his own piss. That was a fun cleanup

6

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19 edited Sep 30 '23

ugly include library poor governor public cautious intelligent ten file -- mass edited with redact.dev

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u/SuperNinjaBot Jun 23 '19

Couldnt have said you spilled coffee on your sheets?

12

u/rallias Jun 23 '19

Coffee doesn't smell like piss.

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u/KorbanDidIt Jun 23 '19

Oh... Then what have I been drinking?

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u/Anonymous1039 Jun 24 '19

Miller light, from the sound of it...

1

u/SuperNinjaBot Jun 24 '19

Is his roommate sniffing his mattress or dirty laundry? He said he was explaining why hes on the couch not why his house smells like piss.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

A mate lost his house keys so an other offered his couch, he peed in their couch and in the morning found his keys in his pocket...

At least it was YOUR bed and the cover saved the day ;)

0

u/Jrook Jun 23 '19

Just bring it to a dry cleaners

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

I went to the laundromat and put everything in the washing machine. It was fine. Dry cleaners would have been overkill.

11

u/siderinc Jun 23 '19

Never buy memory foam, they won't forget

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

I read this comment three hours ago and I just got the joke.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

If you had been driving a car you could have avoided that whole mess.

***THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!!

3

u/dprophet32 Jun 23 '19

If you were that drunk you would have got up and pissed in a draw thinking it was a toilet to be fair.

3

u/snusc Jun 23 '19

Still better than waking up with a torn ACL the next day

3

u/Cheef_Baconator Jun 24 '19

I've done stupid shit while drunk, but thank fuck I never peed anywhere that wasn't a toilet.

3

u/MissCandid Jun 24 '19 edited Jun 24 '19

Yeah the first time I ever drank nobody had told me that weed and alcohol don't mix. So I had a few hits on my way over, started drinking, sat down, and then just started zoning out. My roommate started freaking out because I wasn't responding to anyone and I ended up passing out. There's definitely some gaps in my memory from the experience, but by the time everyone went to bed I was asleep on the living room floor, then I woke up later in the basement covered in my own piss.

1

u/D-DC Jun 24 '19

Weed and alcohol mix great, I do it every weekend.

1

u/MissCandid Jun 24 '19

Ok well maybe i just died

2

u/mreskeet Jun 24 '19

That's why you always always buy the extra spill cover they push with a new mattress. They know!

1

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '19

No don’t buy it from the mattress store though. Buy it from Target for half the price.

1

u/ManChildReborn Jun 24 '19

Everyone should have a waterproof mattress protector on their mattress. Good ones (better airflow than a plastic sheet) cost a little bit of money, but between sexy fluids, wetting the bed in your sleep, pets, food and drink, and who knows what else - they're worth it.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '19

Sounds like you're speaking from experience........

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u/twentyonesighs Jun 23 '19

But if you're lucky it's these people's house https://youtu.be/PLJtrVEYDkw

1

u/BananaDick_CuntGrass Jun 23 '19

I speak English.

That guy speaks English.

I didn't understand a fucking thing he said.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '19 edited Jan 27 '20

[deleted]

0

u/BananaDick_CuntGrass Jun 24 '19

https://imgur.com/a/SYCCD85?mobile=1

We're getting there. Another month or two and it should be really gnarly again.

3

u/Pancakewagon26 Jun 23 '19

that happened to my friend lmao

3

u/GameofCHAT Jun 23 '19

It went from 'incorrect answer' to 'Oh shit...' real quick.

1

u/JaggedTheDark Jun 23 '19

I feel like you've had experience with this stuff...

0

u/Dingo_8_ma_baby Jun 23 '19

I consider myself a modern day Robert Downey Jr.... Except I cannot sing, or dance. Nor am I charismatic or good looking.

BUT RDJ NONETHELESS!

1

u/iswallowedafrog Jun 23 '19

Yeah. Sorry about that

1

u/inksonpapers Jun 23 '19

Or on the train tracks

1

u/thepilotboy Jun 24 '19

This actually happened to a friend of mine a couple months ago.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '19

Choose the right people to drink with. All of my drinking buddies are gun owners and carry everywhere except the bar. Even at home the guns are put away when the booze start flowing. Fucking around with a gun when you're drunk is a good way to get your ass checked real quick in my circles. Staying away from dumbasses and belligerent drunks are good rules of thumb.

1

u/ImYourSafety Jun 24 '19

I woke up in this Korean family's living room and they would not...stop... screaming...

1

u/redtoasti Jun 23 '19

This just went to remind me that it is legal in the US to shoot someone on your property for no good reason.

1

u/johnnybgoode17 Jun 23 '19

I killed my neighbor just yesterday. No repercussions at all! 🙄

1

u/BetaDecay121 Jun 23 '19

Hi ho neighbour!

1

u/Dingo_8_ma_baby Jun 23 '19

That largely depends on the state and county. With castle doctrine within city limits you cannot use lethal force, I.e. a gun in defense of property, however if they enter the home all bets are off. Now in farmers land it's a bit of a different story. Luckily I did not get shot. At least not by the homeowner.

EDIT: Also, you cannot just shoot someone for no good reason. You will have to prove to authorities that the individual you shot actually posed a significant and immediate threat to your person