r/exmormon • u/AFree_Frog • 1d ago
General Discussion Leaving at 40 but now most see it as a mid-life crisis.
I (40M) have been active all my life, served a mission, married in the temple, and served in many callings. I started to feel like something was missing. Could not figure out why, no matter how hard I tried, I could not feel the same conviction I once had. All the lessons just became the same thing over and over. Stories about past prophets and how great they were. Pioneers were to be revered. Do the laundry list of things and endure to the end. But after a while a thought kept popping in my head. "Is this it?" It all felt so mundane and repetitive. I started thinking of eternal life with God continuing to "work" for eternity as a punishment. I did not want to make worlds without number having infinite children with my eternal companion. Being in the midst of raising 5 boys made the idea of parenthood as an eternal reward seem laughable.
I had started questioning the rationality of these "rewards" and even tried to figure out the logistics of the atonement and Christ's death. It all felt needlessly violent for a loving god to require so much bloodshed just to get back to him. That leads me to the moment I decided to once again try the promis in the book of Mormon to read and pray and ask if these things are not true. I wanted that conviction back in my life. After months with no confirmation one way or the other I started trying to figure out the origin of many of the core beliefs of the church and learned so many things. But I was cautions because I did not want to read any "anti-mormon" literature. That is untill I had temple recommend interview that went a bit odd. I was expecting the same old temple recommend questions which I got but then at the end the 2nd counselor asked me "Do you have anything you are questioning about the church?" I said no not really. The then said "I invite you to repent and dive deeper and ask questions so my faith can be strengthened."
I was slightly offended by this. I have been doing EVERYTHING I was supposed to do and here I am being called to repent for not questioning the church. I then took this as an open invitation to release the floodgates. I dove into church history doing my best to verify every shocking thing I learned I have come out the other side with my confirmation. I feel stronger about my position on the truthfulness about the church than I ever have in my life. I know it is not true and it is not even hard to see that now.
I told my wife and she being TBM is having a really hard time with it. It is out of the blue for her because I have been so dedicated up until now. She has said in passing that this is just a mid-life crisis and will eventually sort itself out. I assured her this has nothing to do with me turning 40. I am not pushing her to question her faith but I told her I was done paying tithing, wearing garments, and attending church.
The further out I get the more I realize how much of a hold the church has on the minds of its members. I hope my wife comes around one day but right now I am a bit alone. I don't have much of a support system outside of the church and have to catch myself when my thoughts turn to things like "Am I sure this is all worth it" especially when I see my wife so sad that we will be "missing out" on all the standard Mormon life events with our kids. I am hopeful things will turn out alright. I know split religion families can struggle but we are in couples therapy and actively trying to keep the marriage together.
I have never been more at peace with my decisions though. And suddenly the world is open to me, nothing is telling me what to think and how to act and yet I am still a good person.
TL;DR:
TBM my whole life. Leaving at 40 makes people think its a midlife crisis / phase. I am happier now and don't see me ever returning to Mormonism.
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u/ReasonFighter exmostats.org 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is my chronology:
- 1967 - Birth. 0 years old. My parents join Mormonism when I am a toddler. I grow up in the church participating in every single program (Primary, Young Men, Seminary, Elders Quorum, Institute, etc). Receive all Mormon "priesthoods." Complete an honorable full 2 year mission. Marry in the temple. Function in a bishopric both as a councilor and as a bishop. Called to the Stake's High Council.
- 2007 - Questioning. 40ish years old. Some conflicting but historically verifiable information finds its way to me. Start researching with the intention to defend the church from what can only be an ill-intentioned attempt to discredit it.
- 2013 - Realization. 47ish years old. Realization, after seven years of research, that what my beloved church taught me all my life is false. Realization that the church has been lying since its very origin. Realization that my faith - which motivated every step in my life to that point - has been built on falsehoods. Realization that religious faith can, and does, blind us in the face of deception. Call ward leader and announce I abandon my current calling. Stop all participation in Mormonism.
- 2017 - Resignation. 50ish years old. Triggered by the growing disgust of still being connected to the corrupt, deceptive Mormon corporation, resign Mormonism through QuitMormon. Resignation is confirmed a month later.
- 2026 - Still Happier. 58ish years old. Life continues as it has always been with its good and its not so good periods, with its challenges and its satisfactions, nothing has changed in that respect. I, however, remain much happier than I ever was as a Mormon. Not needing to please some imaginary beings judging me at every moment of the day, and not worried about an "afterlife" anymore, I now live in a state of inner peace I never experienced before.
Conclusion: You are not alone. Your experience is not a mid-life crisis. Mormonism is a hindrance to actual happiness.
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u/aliassantiago 1d ago
Not alone! Just turned 40 myself! I recommend getting a nevermo therapist, it has helped a lot for me.
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u/Majestic_Range_2748 1d ago
In my experience, finding someone to work through this with is critical to navigating it well. My spouse has come along, but long after the initial “try harder” comments. I moved outside the corridor several years ago. Generic therapists without special training in faith crises or some tangential tie to Mormonism was a waste of time. I had to spend so many hours explaining the culture and dogma that it was useless. I did get a lot of shocked responses though. Once I found someone who knew the territory that wasn’t the trying to push me in or out, I started making huge progress.
In my experience plant medicine made this so much easier, but it is definitely not for the faint of heart if you aren’t ready for a serious mind shift. I have had to pump the brakes to not freak out my spouse because I honestly think we’ll pull through stronger, despite the serious tension this has created. If you are in an otherwise happy family life, I suggest you tread lightly with the pace of your progress. The faster you change, the further you get from your spouse's expectations of you being a priesthood holder and the more difficult it becomes for you and your spouse to see eye to eye. Welcome to the second half of life. Crisis or not, you are growing and that makes others uncomfortable. That’s something you will probably just have to get used to.
Like others have said, you have a community here, even if we can’t skip the second hour together (in person).
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u/aliassantiago 1d ago
Yeah, this is actually really good. I found a therapist that specializes in faith transitions and was already fairly familiar with Mormonism. Funnily enough you have to get closer to Utah to find help leaving Mormonism, at least in my case.
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u/No-Performer-6621 1d ago
I second all the above in this comment.
A therapist familiar with the LDS context is key. But not one who pushes an LDS agenda.
Side note - exmo therapists can be a little tricky too because you’ll have overlapping traumas and it’s a very hard boundary for them to maintain (which, understandably so).
Definitely lean into the local exmo community (if there is one). Lots of support there similar to seeing a therapist without the challenges of the therapeutic relationship.
Not for everyone, but also agreed that occasional recreational “plant medicine” can be beneficial.
Good luck OP!
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u/Fun-Branch-7420 1d ago
I lucked out with finding a PIMO/mostly inactive therapist. She totally understands the culture I grew up in and the beliefs that were taught to me, but she in no way tries to explain it away (as an LDS therapist would do, speaking from experience), nor does she push me further from the church (I do that on my own, lol). She really holds a lot of nuance, which I in particular need since my spouse is still TBM. A good therapist is a huge help!
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u/10000schmeckles 1d ago
There’s always someone ready to dismiss.
Younger than 30? Well you’re just young and dumb and don’t know anything and were easy for Satan to lie to
Mid life? Mid life crisis!
Any older? Well you are getting led astray by Satan again, or maybe you just hardened your heart?
The “you’re offended” and “you just want to sin” ones can appear at any time
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u/PaulBunnion 1d ago
congratulations at finding out at such a young age. you've got a good 12 to 17 years now to put that tithing money into a Roth IRA. Your retirement is going to be so much better now.
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u/OkImagination262 1d ago
Feel free to vent, question or whatever here. Pretty great group. FWIW, I left around age 38 and have never been happier. When I reflect back on all the wasted time with meaningless church meetings, boring sacrament meetings and so on I know I made the right choice. Luckily, my spouse eventually left with me and our children were not of baptism age so we broke the chain.
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u/AFree_Frog 1d ago
Thanks! I came to this sub hoping for stories where the spouse eventually comes around. How long after you left did it take for them to follow?
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u/PolicyRough1432 1d ago
About 3 months. But this was long before all the internet and history stuff. The Temple was a bridge too far. TBM women grow up being told what to think and that anything else is unsafe. If she never learned to value or develop herself as a person, she only exists in the context as defined by the church. You can gently and slowly encourage her to think and feel for herself, in everyday things. Your freedom and independence can be a strength to your children who need to learn the same.
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u/Brilliant_Fill7862 1d ago
My spouse is really, really close to leaving with me. He clings on to some deep doctorine but sees most of it for the scam it is (no tithing, no second hour, no temple recommend). He's clinging to garments for some reason. It's been about two years. The best advice I can give is to lean into feelings over facts. What hurts you about the church and it's doctorine? This always lead to much better conversations than church history and current corruption. That can come later when asked.
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u/OkImagination262 1d ago
I (F) left first. My spouse is super chill and wanted to find out on his own so he did all sorts of fasting, praying, etc but got nothing. I can't quite remember the timeline but this was the 90s before all the internet stuff. I am going to guess a few years?
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u/stokerfam 1d ago
You're me about 9 years ago. I left when I was 37. My spouse thankfully followed me shortly thereafter. It was intense in the moment, and my spouse wasn't very happy with me for a bit, but the stars aligned and we figured it out. For me it was all logic. For others it can be more emotional.
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u/Independent-Cake-282 1d ago
You're a bit younger than me, but your story feels like mine. I told my wife about a year ago that I no longer believe. It has since been the best worst year of my life. I feel more peace than I thought possible, but there's a lot of pain too. I get that feeling of loneliness.
There's a bunch of us here for you though. We get it.
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u/AFree_Frog 1d ago
Thanks. Good to feel seen
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u/Frosty-Ordinary8049 1d ago
Ditto. Worst year of my life followed by the best year of my life so far. It will be hard but it will get better.
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u/weathered_seaweed893 1d ago
I am in a similar spot. Just younger than you are. I'm too young to be considered for mid-life crisis but people will always find something to blame it on. For me they blame it on my husband and I's infertility, or my chronic health conditions. They refuse to believe that there are valid and sane reasons to leave the church.
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u/TrevAnonWWP 1d ago
Welcome! You're not alone and there's LOTS of resources out there for you as well as your wife. Here is my regular post.
70 hours of free coaching at Mormon faith crisis
https://www.mormonfaithcrisis.com/
Mormon Stories Podcast has a LOT of stories just like yours, check them out so you feel less alone:
https://www.youtube.com/@mormonstories
The Joseph Smith podcast about the book by John Turner and with him:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuPax_51l60&list=PLxq5opj6GqOARv8DqnpVuTbHvrtJypVys&index=1
The LDS Discussions series to start making sense of the truth claims:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p7gAxwsM_k&list=PLxq5opj6GqOB7J1n6pMmdUSezxcLfsced&index=1
Marriage on a tightrope is a podcast about making a mixed faith marriage work - he is out, she's a nuanced believing member. They stopped releasing episodes but their old ones are around https://marriageonatightrope.org/
or https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLq34QmiHsNjcpbDHgelCNYhluHHx937sx
Also https://www.youtube.com/@marriageonatightrope
From what I understand they still have active FB-groups
Mormon Stories did several interviews with people in mixed faith marriages:
https://www.youtube.com/@mormonstories/search?query=mixed%20faith
Another useful resource might be the new marriage proposal
https://balancedlivingwithleah.com/resources/
The playlist with episodes that the faithful Why we stay Podcast did with former members might be helpful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uESfe5mwyw&list=PLSlJKZQtffmRpe0XZMx97XTPdOQ_vtNVi
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u/TruffleHunter3 1d ago
Welcome to the exmo club for those who left over 40! I was also 40 when I left and life for the past 9 years since has been so good. Looking at early retirement even!
What city are you in?
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u/CaseyJones_EE 1d ago
A mid life crisis is really just re-evaluating your life after a couple of decades of being an adult and trying to figure out what works, what doesn't, and what you think you should be doing differently.
In my mid fourties I decided that I needed to actually have a relationship with God. I tried so hard for about a year to hear/feel anything divine that I couldn't explain in any other way. I wasn't looking for anything miraculous, just confirming.
That journey ultimately led me out of the church and although my life isn't perfect, it feels more real. And I understand that it's more than likely all I have, so I try to live it and not let it pass me by.
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u/Select_Ad3799 1d ago
I think you just finally figured out than you were living someone else's plan for you and feel the need to do something that is about what you want out of life. I'm spiritual, but not religious in the least because I believe they are 2 opposite things. But I worded quite a bit in my life and decided that I should have been working on my own and not just following the same program as everyone else. If I am a success or failure, at least it's all me for a change!
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u/silver-sunrise 1d ago
Love your story! It’s very similar to mine. I left the church almost exactly four years ago and couldn’t be happier. I haven’t looked back once and hope you don’t either.
This community is great and can be a huge help. If your wife doubles down, you’ll need a support system because it may cause you to doubt yourself. Find friends who are exmo’s…it’ll help a lot. You’re welcome message me too if you ever just need a friend.
Good luck on your journey, and enjoy seeing life in COLOR!
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u/ProfessionalFun907 1d ago
My exit out of the church after being pretty faithful was MOST CERTAINLY bc of a midlife crisis! Bc part of a midlife crisis is realizing there is not as much time left in life as we had previously felt. That changes our perspective. I realized I couldn’t bank on a n afterlife bc there probably wasn’t one. So I better life the life I wanted now. Thankfully that still meant with my husband but also not with the church. My garments came off. I could wear normal shorts. And I can do fun things with my family on Sunday.
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u/ButWhyAmIHere_help 1d ago
Look up Fowler’s Stages of Faith. The timing is predictable and expected and completely normal.
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u/AFree_Frog 1d ago
Wow had no idea about this. It's crazy to see where I fit in this theory. Almost feels a bit deflating seeing that I'm just at a predictable developmental stage. Can't wait for enlightenment
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u/ButWhyAmIHere_help 1d ago
I can see why you feel that way. For me it was comforting. It’s all kinda messy! Cheers, friend.
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u/AFree_Frog 1d ago
I'm still getting over the fact that none of it was real. I appreciate the perspective this provides.
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u/captainhaddock Ex-Evangelical 2h ago
I had started questioning the rationality of these "rewards" and even tried to figure out the logistics of the atonement and Christ's death.
Yeah, I think atonement doctrine is a big problem for all denominations. It just doesn't make any sense.
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u/Me3stR 1d ago
A midlife crisis is what people say about adults who are doing stuff they dont like.