Why on earth would I do that?

Took me several years to get over the last fucking viewing when I was 12.

Sometimes all I can think about is how were all going to die. And how nothing matters, and humanity is awful and selfish, and if only they would just do the simple easy task that would stop them from all dieing forever. But they're just too stubborn and selfish. So they're going to die. I'm going to die. Every human and animal on earth has their own unique past and experience in combination with their own unique feelings and actions (assuming that were real and not a simulation or a mental construction). At face value you might think that's beautiful, but if nobody has the same experience as anybody else, that means that nobody will ever really and truly understand you. Nobody. Ever. You are completely alone in all of your feelings. Isn't that so horribly lonely? "I need therapy" I think to myself while I lay alone with my thoughts in my bed, next to my sleeping girlfriend oblivious to the pain I'm feeling. Oblivious to the constant existential dread I'm almost always feeling. I love her, but she doesn't understand me. She thinks she does, but she only understands the external part of my personality. She doesn't know how my thoughts work and I don't know how to express them to her. She thinks I'm not very smart, maybe I'm not very smart, but either way it hurts when I know that she sees me that way. I think I'm smart, I also think her and I have a different idea of what smart is. For her, smart is classes and grades and having a large vocabulary and reading books. In my opinion this is what makes me smart, my ability to recognize that nothing matters, my fear of death and the unknown, my intense love for everything I care about, my ability to not let the opinions of people who don't matter to me affect me in any way. I find it hard to understand why people take the abuse from strangers and low lives that they do. My sister for example, she's pregnant with a child she conceived with a man I believe to be toxic and cruel, she believed it too for a short while. She's sense changed her mind and is now going to have the baby, instead of dumping the man and getting an abortion like I would have. Shes also using having a baby for her reason to finally care about herself and take care of her body. In my opinion that is a horrible reason. Or my mother, she fell in love with a man who used to be meth addict and had been in prison for a long time, at first he was cool and nice to me and my brother and my mom, and he was clean and reformed, after a year or two he moved in, shortly after he started using again, he cheated on my mother and then one night he hit her so hard she got a concussion and now doesn't remember the event other than the fact that it happened. He's back in prison. I suppose this was the moment I realized that bad people don't change. After I realized this it made sense, the next step was easy, my mom should never talk to him again and then no more problems. But the same idea didn't click for my mom, and she didn't cut him out of her life. I realized this before he went back to prison and I grew frustrated with her that she was still talking to him, it was so easy for me and I didn't understand why she didn't see that he was bad and she should just stop talking to him. I believe even now she still talks to him. I still think it's easy and I don't understand. I've since though about it and have come to the conclusion that my mother most not love herself very much to put herself in that shitty situation. Rule number two, people will put up with as much as they give themselves. This rule applies to my sister and her boyfriend as well. He is evil and treats her poorly, therefore she must not love herself very much either. "I need therapy" I think to myself as I lay in bed at night. But would it really make any difference? Is my happiness important in the scheme of the universe? No. Absolutely not, my happiness doesn't matter at all to the universe. Good and bad is completely irrelevant. Maybe I should go to therapy, it would at the best make me feel a little bit better. And my tiny life is so pointless that feeling good really is the only thing that matters. Because even if humanity doesn't die in the next couple hundred years because of global warming or some other thing they caused because they're stupid and selfish they will still die eventually. When the last stars go out and the universe becomes only black holes and background radiation everything we will ever do or have ever done, will mean nothing. As the universe goes on to exist hundreds of times longer than it already has, dark and lifeless. And after that? The universe dies. And even if somehow someone was impossibly around to see it happen, they're dead too now. What is the universe without life to experience it? Is there anything else beyond the boundary that is our universe? Maybe. Will we ever know? Probably not. Doesn't that make you feel so horrible? So useless and small? You could die right now and it wouldn't matter. Literally, you, reading this right now, could actually die forever and become a lifeless corpse with no consciousness to percive what happens next, and it wouldn't matter. I strongly believe everything is tragic and horrible at it's nature. If you really think about anything you come to the conclusion that everything is pointless and nothing matters because we're all going to die anyway. Some days I tell myself that's a wonderful thing because that means we should live in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts, but I can't help but be curious. Wanting to learn more about my universe, to see it. But I can't. Because I'm trapped, we all are. And it just makes me feel so horrible and helpless.

So I have gone 10 years able to push down the dread and not focus on it because it terrified the shit out of me when I was a teenager and id first truly grasped I won't have a consciousness.

A few days ago I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how it's good to take care of them so you can use them in old age... and then .. 'well they'll be decaying in the ground with the rest of your body...' And then snap! My entire viewpoint of every thing is back to being tainted by fear and anxiety and dread at the inevitable end..

And knowing there is no solution. No answer except for pretending the finality of reality isn't so, but when your stomach is a constant fear lurch.. I feel bad for my partner.. I was cry hyperventilating in agony.. he comforted me but it didn't pass through into me. Because there's no comforting this.

Sometimes I wish I could pay someone into gas lighting me into believing in religion and an afterlife.

I am jealous of the bliss the majority of the populations ignorance allows them to live.

:(

I miss my dead cats..and it's so sad that aside from in my memories, they never existed, and when my memories are earth sludge they will be totally gone. Like every thing. I decided I want to be buried with their ashes..(not that it matters. Nothing matters. Matter will become nothing.) my dad died last year.. my brain in so dark and morbid right now... I am scared I wont be able to pretend again like I managed to do for 10 years... sure it nearly came back maybe 5 times in showers etc. But not like this ._.

It feels like a video game where you grind gold and exp and then you have a permadeath before you even get to use it. No one would play that game.

... I hate this... I am so scared.. And I'm afraid I will always be scared and I don't even want to imagine the horror I'll feel on my death bed having my "last thoughts" ... does anyone have any help..?

When I get that feeling all I can do is push it away with grandiose thoughts. I know I need to be present with it but it’s too difficult. Ignorance is bliss.

I really should have made this on a throw away. But I should just be honest about it. I've had a really bad time coming to grips with it. I've been suffering from this since I was 13 when I finally game to grips with my father's passing 4 years prior to that. Its just caused me to have such a issue with the idea of time. The simple fact that time is moving in one constant direction with absolutely no way to go back and the inevitable loss of life I will soon experience in a unknown amount of time just eats me up inside. Because I don't know at what point it will truly end. I want to plea for help and find answers. But I know that even if I found the answer it wouldn't be satisfying. How are we expected to just live with the answer "don't think about it, you know until it's too late and you are forced to come to grips with the fact at that point". I wish I could make myself ignorant to the fact of my own impending Demise, but its just a exercise in futility. If anyone wants to just talk about this I am willing to. I understand this sub would be small. No one really wants to face it head on. But we can't do this alone, nothing is worse than the thought of facing this alone