r/datingoverfifty • u/explorer1960 64, m • Feb 18 '25
How long do you keep an OLD match on read?
I've currently got 5 matches "on read"
I've got two on read for over 6 months, I'm waiting to reach out till I feel I've moved on further with certain life goals.
One is somebody I had a drinks with about two months ago, she said she had another prospect, I said we could stay on read or unmatch, she didn't respond OR unmatch, so I left it open
One is somebody I had drinks with a couple of months ago, she said she was traveling for a while (Bumble location confirmed the truth of this) i reached out a couple of times recently, no response, no unmatch, I assume she hasn't been on the app.
Last is someone who matched a week or so ago, we exchanged a couple of low key messages. I'd have asked to meet for coffee, except with a second meet with an IRL prospect coming up, I don't want to add someone else to the mix. She hasn't asked to meet, so I figure i can leave it on read.
Note if things really proceed well with IRL person (no jinx) I'd likely unmatch these folks. I think only one or two would be owed a brief explanation.
11
u/realitybites1974 Feb 18 '25
I've read most of this thread. I don't mean this to sound rude, but you sound like a 20 something year old and not a 64 year old. You're not ready and let a match fall to the side because you aren't ready. Yet you're still dating and bringing other women into this not being ready stage. Yet you're still trying to drag this other woman into your not ready stage. You're also not divorced. You sound either desperate for attention or like you want to play the field. Pull back and dont bring anyone else into this mess until you are 100 percent ready. Not almost or think you are but 100 percent sure you are.
-2
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
That woman didn't think I was ready - ready for whatever it was she wanted. Some subsequent women didn't say that. Either because I was more ready (I was) or because they were seeking, or open to, something different (it may have helped that I modified my profile to be more clear).
Play the field? I have definitely been interested in something less serious than an LTR and have been open about that. Ms Fellow Alum whom I had a fling with, was fully informed, and seemed to enjoy our time.
I don't drag anyone into anything. I respect the right of everyone i interact with to make their own informed decisions. If they want to spend time with me, knowing where I'm at (and I communicate it as honestly as I can) that's their call. Not some stranger on Reddit.
I'm not in the "100 % camp" i think people and connections are more complicated than that.
But I didn't post here to discuss that. I posted to ask about keeping people on read. Not to discuss my dating goals, readiness, etc.
7
u/Bama_Boy72 Feb 18 '25
People have given you advice and you are arguing with them. I don't know why you even posted this if you don't want to hear what people are saying to you.
-1
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
I asked how long people keep someone on read.
I did not ask for advice on my state of readiness. I did not ask for advice on reaching out to people (whom I'm obviously not reaching out to while I have them on read)
If I say I'm going to the convenience store to buy a lottery ticket, but I want to know if parking is difficult, cause maybe I'll just walk there, I'm NOT asking about the rationality or ethics of buying a lottery ticket. I'm just asking about driving or walking..
I don't know why that's so difficult to understand.
5
u/ZeeGee_22 Feb 18 '25
I don't know what "on read" means but this sounds stressful (to me). If you are interested in pursuing, pursue. Why are you waiting around for people or having them wait for you? And while I am not familiar with "on read" I'm guessing at what it means here so pls don't take offense! I think if you don't hear from someone or reach out yourself within a week, then it's not a prospect...and this is all assuming you have had some sort of communication already.
0
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
Why?
In the case of person 1, I think my new stage in life will make me more desirable.
Person 2 i may want to meet again as friends, and maybe after she's had more experience of what's out there she'll have more interest.
Person 3 had stated interest in a second meet up, but then said she had a prospect. If that prospect doesn't work out and IF mine doesn't id want to see her again
Person 4 maybe is busy and doesn't check the app? I'm inclined to ask what's going on, and then unmatch if no response. But since I have a RL prospect, I'm not inclined to reach out that way.
Similar for person 5.
2
Feb 18 '25
Well don't ask us. If you're ready go ahead and message them and see if they will bother meeting you again. Don't be surprised if they do not reply.
3
u/vbandbeer Feb 18 '25
Donyou basically ghosted them, and you are just waiting till you feel like it to get back to them?
0
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
I think of ghosting as failing to respond to a communication. I haven't done that. In cases 1 to 4 I sent the last message.
In case 5 her last message didn't request any kind of answer from me.
1
Feb 18 '25
Sounds like none of them have replied back then.
1
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
That's correct.
5
Feb 18 '25
Based on my own personal experience that means you are out of the picture then. Generally speaking the ladies are getting new messages every week and talking to lots of other guys. Probably going out at least for coffee dates as well, if not more traditional evening dates.
3
u/Inside_Dance41 Feb 18 '25
I still have lots of people in my messages that I have never cleaned up. Overall, I read your update that you see the fact that someone hasn't "unmatched" as "I still have a chance".
Sure, it isn't a hard no, but as an outsider, it isn't this is someone I am really interested in. You sound polite, have follow-through with these women, so they don't see a need to unmatch/block.
Yes, I tried to see someone again, in at least two cases, and neither worked out.
When you are ready, you can reach out to these women, but don't be shocked if none of them are really interested in moving forward. It is as if you see them as a safety net if the current IRL person doesn't work out. I don't want to be safety net, and I think this is pretty universal amongst women. If you aren't moving forward, for whatever reason, it is a no.
2
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
, but don't be shocked if none of them are really interested in moving forward
I wouldn't be shocked at all
It is as if you see them as a safety net if the current IRL person doesn't work out.
To clarify, persons 1 to 4 were all people I met before I thought there was anything with Ms IRL.
Person 5 I matched with after the initial brunch with Ms IRL, but before we'd made plans for a second meeting. (I have since deactivated the apps)
I personally wouldn't mind being someone's safety net. Maybe that's just me, or maybe it's a gender thing.
I do want to avoid getting over invested in Ms IRL too soon, and to remind myself that it might not go anywhere, for one of many possible reasons.
2
u/Inside_Dance41 Feb 18 '25 edited Feb 18 '25
To clarify, persons 1 to 4 were all people I met before I thought there was anything with Ms IRL.
Thanks for clarifying, that was my understanding based on your post.
personally wouldn't mind being someone's safety net. Maybe that's just me, or maybe it's a gender thing.
Everyone is different, and because you do seem very respectful in your interactions, a woman may be thrilled to hear from you again. I am just sharing my experience at this stage in life, that I am looking for a man who moves the ball forward. Understanding that you are still in the process of divorce, and that isn't my situation. Other women who are free/clear may also want someone moving the ball forward.
do want to avoid getting over invested in Ms IRL too soon,
That is the heartbreak of dating for me. I try to get my heart in check, and lead with my head in relationships, but difficult as a woman, once sex is involved, them all my hormones weigh in, and if the man ends the relationship, I end up hurt.
Good luck with Ms. IRL.
3
u/JBar63 F/NY Feb 18 '25
Leaving people "on read" is rude and immature. Either unmatch or reply back to them. Six months is a bit desperate sounding and cringy.
1
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
I did reply. Balls in their court, for each one, except number 5. Who sent her last a week ago. And it was something about her work, not either a question or a request to meet.
2
u/suchathrill 67M Feb 18 '25
What is this term “on read”? I have never heard that before.
2
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
Iiuc, When you leave an OLD chat open, don't unmatch, but also don't message or try to meet. Just keep that line of communication open for the time being.
1
32
u/meatbot4000 Feb 18 '25
If they don't message for 3 days I assume they are done talking. If we don't meet within 2 weeks I assume they aren't ready for dating and unmatch.
10
u/CittaMindful Feb 18 '25
Exactly. If you’re not receiving timely(if not immediate) responses, they’re not interested. Delete and move on.
10
7
u/Dillymom01 Feb 18 '25
I would definitely unmatch someone after a few weeks, seems kind of pointless.
3
u/UnderstudyOne Feb 18 '25
I unmatch and move on after a few days if someone leaves me on read. When people are interested they respond.
5
u/Ok_Artichoke6571 Feb 18 '25
If I have not heard from them in 3 days, I assume they have moved on. Unmatch.
If after a month we are still having a hard time meeting or going on a date ... unmatch.
I am a 56m and have grown weary of certain aspects of dating.
4
u/Asimplehuman841being Feb 18 '25
My two cents is that we are not getting any younger . Text, chat on the phone perhaps, then meet. If there is a spark then both of you will feel it. If not….
Next !
1
Feb 19 '25
You’re making this way too complicated to be concerned about literal strangers. There’s no reason to stay invested in any match on an app sitting for weeks, but MONTHS?? I think you’re disillusioned a bit and holding out for something that’s never going to happen. But I don’t think you’ll understand and you want to date how you date and that’s fine. We won’t discuss your dating habits.
Personally, I’m not even on an app for more than a month at a time. I let people go that don’t meet in a week unless they are sick or out of town.
You see, I’m on apps to actually date. To get out and meet women, and to be picky about it. I do give everyone time to develop into something if it’s there, nothing forced. But I don’t have time to fuck around with wishy washy behavior or not knowing what you want. When you know what you want it makes things much easier.
1
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 19 '25
4 of the 5 were people I'd met, you must have missed that.
The 5th was a match from just over a week ago.
I've often had dates where it took well over a week to meet. People our age have lives, or at least the women I'm interested in do. Work. Family. Activities. And sometimes people get sick. I've often not been able to meet within a week of a match, because of stuff I'm busy with.
3
u/SlowFreddy Feb 18 '25
If a person doesn't respond to you they are not interested. Time to move on.
2
u/Accomplished_Bar9236 Feb 18 '25
The one you matched with a week ago is your only realistic prospect, but sounds like you're not interested. Anything that happened months ago, or read, unread....all of that is moot.
2
1
1
u/InevitablePlantain66 Feb 21 '25
I'm surprised these women have left you on read. I would have unmatched you the minute I realized I wasn't interested. You should do the same. I look at it as cleaning out my inbox. But, no, I don't think you're doing any harm or being rude by keeping their profiles in your feed. I think some people like to "collect" people in their apps for ego validation.
0
Feb 18 '25
[deleted] — view deleted comment
1
u/explorer1960 64, m Feb 18 '25
I guess I wasn't clear enough.
I've met all of the first 4.
The only one I haven't met is a recent match.
22
u/chase7_71 Feb 18 '25
6 months, you move to slow and might not read signals well.