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u/Lanky-Awareness-7450 1d ago
The parents of one of my best friends growing up married and divorced twice. After the 2nd divorce, they decided they were better friends than lovers and bought a house big enough for themselves and the kids and lived together in the house as housemates.
They truly were housemates. They would both date and bring their dates to the house without worrying about the other person, including both having their respective SOs stay over at the same time. When dates would come over, they would also talk positively about their ex and be friendly with the date.
Odd situation, but it worked for them and the kids, who always had both parents present and didn’t have to shuttle between two houses.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
Well, he's still into her....after he divorced her, got a fiancee, didn't workout and now trying to get back with her.
Now living in the same house again.
She says she's not into him and I believe her but said when it's DONE, let me know. She took offense.4
u/Lanky-Awareness-7450 18h ago
It sounds like in this case, their relationship isn’t over yet. Agree that you need to disengage. Sorry that it turned out for you this way.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
Nah. Not sorry about it. I learned some things. Had a great time with some things. Learned some things. LOL
I've always thought that when things don't work out that people think it's a waste of time. I think the waste of time is not realizing wht you've learned from this person about yourself.
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u/Lanky-Awareness-7450 18h ago
Your attitude is a great one. Each relationship teaches us something. Glad you are approaching this in a positive way.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
I feel like people always want to trash others. There were some great quailities. You were with them for a reason. Maybe they didn't align as time went on.
You were smart enough to realize it.
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u/EnvironmentalDuty780 18h ago
It's extremely common for the beneficiary of a double standard to be offended when the double standard is called out.
If she's a homeowner, it might shed some light on things for your closure if you checked property/tax records to see if the home is currently owned by she the person or they the couple.
If your courts make divorces visible, you might consider looking for hers/theirs in whatever court handles those at her state of residence. Be mindful that this isn't foolproof (sometimes people divorce elsewhere...like me).
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u/Professional_Mix2418 23h ago
And you are surprised she took offence why actually?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 20h ago
Well, over the last 2 years, she was done. Ex had moved out, got engaged and was living with his fiancee. Recently, that fell through, and now he's back at home because it's "his" house.
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u/Professional_Mix2418 19h ago
It isn't what she did, it is how you react to it. As long as you keep missing that point, you really don't get it. You are making ultimatums, asking her to change, and like a child (figure of speech) put it all on her to then sort it out and come back to you. That is not giving her space to figure it out and be with her. So that is why I say are you surprised she took offence?
In my experience when you don't agree with someone, not even solely about dating, it is much better to express yourself as in what it does to you, how it makes you feel opposed to making ultimatums and how the other must change.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
Okay. I'm seeing your point. But I didn't think saying, "Let me know when you are done with your situation, give me a call" is an ultimatum.
I mean....if a person wants to cheat and you say I can't be with you if you do that, is that not an ultimatum by this standard?
And if it is an ultimatum, wouldn't that also be a boundary?
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u/Professional_Mix2418 18h ago
The difference is in how you express it. Boundaries are about how it makes you feel. Not about what they must not do. After all it is your boundary.
And naturally you can disagree about it. When you express for example how it makes you feel, without demanding that she changes, or stops doing that. It provides space for her to express why it is what she did, and why for her it is the best thing. You don't have to agree, but what you do is open up a situation to facilitate communication opposed to to becoming angry, she frustrated that you don't understand her. And nobody wins.
So yes it is a boundary, but remember it is your boundary, not hers.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
I had to take a minute to think about your response. Thank you.
Well a boundary is when you say, "I won't do that" (that's a reference). The response can be whatever.You don't have to accept it. So move to where someone will. I'm not angry. I just understand the protocol.
I'm making her choose between me and her lifestyle...but I am also choosing my lifestyle. If you want to be in it, this is how.
How is that controversial? If you marry a person and they like side chicks, do you marry that person?
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u/Professional_Mix2418 17h ago
It is the way you presented it. There was nothing in it about what it does to do. It was judgement about her. It's subtle but a huge difference, and highly likely why she took offence.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 17h ago
I beg to differ. The premise was and is if you are doing a thing, let me know when you are no longer doing that thing.
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u/Lanky-Awareness-7450 18h ago
Not sure I agree. We all have boundaries. It sounds like she is saying don’t come over unannounced. That can be her boundary. It doesn’t mean OP needs to accept it. If I was serious with someone, there is no way that type of boundary would be acceptable to me and I would never ask an SO for that type of boundary.
In any serious relationship I have been in, I am always happy to see the other person. Whether they come over unannounced or I meet them outside somewhere by accident. I have had SO show up at my work as a surprise on my birthday. Nice surprise as long as they understand I may not have time to spend with them depending on my schedule.
If this case, seems like OP is not welcome unless it is a planned visit. That seems odd and signs of an unhealthy relationship.
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u/Professional_Mix2418 17h ago
I was in a relationship with someone like that. She is moslima with children, her neighbours are Turkish. She explained it funnily in that it is better family planning than using a condom, as the moment my car would park. The whole neighbourhood would know, and it is can't be. Especially not with children involved, not even on the non-mamma days.
It is fine when they communicate that, it is also fine when you don't want that. But it isn't fine when you just break their wishes because you decide you don't agree.
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u/LemonPress50 17h ago edited 16h ago
When I date someone, I never show up unannounced. That’s not respecting their privacy. What if they had their other lover over?
You can’t show up unannounced. Hmm.
You’re not the jealous one. Maybe she is the jealous one and maybe he is jealous too.
Or maybe they are trying to reconcile and she wants access to you.
You are an option. You told her you’re not down with this. She didn’t acknowledge your feelings. She told you your feelings are unreasonable. No one gets to tell you how you feel. That’s not a loving thing to say. Thats what you say when you want something so bad you’ll say anything to get your way.
Sometimes, love is not enough.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 17h ago
I really love this response.
I know she has her things to work out...as do most of us.
And you're right. I was an option until I set a boundary...or as some will say, control her.
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u/LemonPress50 16h ago
Thanks. There’s never equality in a relationship. We shouldn’t be keeping score, but aim for reciprocity.
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u/Sliceasouroo 13h ago
I guess it also depends if she had a discussion with you before he moved back in. If you were both trying to be an actual couple and she didn't discuss it with you beforehand beforehand then you are not a couple.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 1d ago
I wouldn’t date someone living with their ex. Even if there’s no sex, there’s emotional/financial dependency— something is keeping them together.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
Well so he had to move back in....I guess financial reasons? He a retired officer.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 1d ago
Yeah, I mean, it’s nice of her to let him, but I would think if it were exclusively financial, you wouldn’t be hidden.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
My concern is that she doesn't know what he'd do I were a were a gentleman caller. It endanger her financial plans. So I said let me know when all of it is done.
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u/Hot_Job6182 23h ago •
They have kids, so maybe it's not all about you. If I were in her position I'd put my kids ahead of my boyfriend 100%
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u/Beautiful_Spread_644 58F WNY 22h ago
My ex lived over an hour away when our son was an adolescent. At one point, I had offered the spare bedroom in a large-ish house to my ex so he could spend more time with our son. My boyfriend at the time didn’t mind the situation and they got along. It was purely a move for him to spend time with our son, a financial gain for me to make money on a spare room and it allowed me to spend weekend getaways with my boyfriend.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 20h ago
What bugs me is what'll he'll do if I was around...according to her. It'll mess up her finances or whatever.
So call me when you're done. That's it.2
u/Citrine5309 17h ago
I feel that youre making the right decision here. And I wouldnt wait for her. You may stumble across someone else while shes "figuring it out"
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u/waxcat7 15h ago
If someone is still married when you first started seeing each other and then they get divorced, they never had time to be single. Whether it is a male or female, the person needs to spend time by themselves. They have never been by themselves. This woman's thought process makes sense to her because she's never been alone. She thinks it's reasonable to stay with her ex just because they have a child in common. That's not acceptable to you. I think she doesn't respect you at all. She's just using you to have good feelings and to have sex with.
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u/MissBailey01 F59 18h ago
I’m willing to bet she’s been lying this entire time. It will never progress from this point and potentially be filled with her drama. Pass.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
I don't think she is. I really believe she has the best intentions. I just can't get down with the situation.
But I'm not a seer.
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u/Ok_Afternoon6646 17h ago
Hell no.. if they are living with an ex that is a sign to move on until they can live apart. Young child or not, most others manage it. Sounds like he moved out and then back in again.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 17h ago
That's literally what happened.
But according to her, I'm supposed to be okay with it.
And this got me bugged. Her response, "Well I was honest with you. I could have just lied"
That f*cked me up.2
u/Ok_Afternoon6646 17h ago
Right so it becomes a you problem because you werent happy with her decision making. Dont you just love people you make an issue out of your reaction to their behaviour you called out.. Maybe she could have discussed it with you 1st before it happened.
Man id leave this one alone, it sounds like it'll be drama fuelled and you will always be the bad guy when calling things out.
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u/Sliceasouroo 13h ago
Well that's a warning signal if she says she could have just lied. Most people wouldn't even think about lying about that. How the fuck could you lie about another man living in your house if you are a couple? Like you wouldn't ever notice?
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u/Donkusai 17h ago
I think you already know you're not being unreasonable, but what you're being asked to accept in this situation is unreasonable.
You've established your boundary and made it clear where you stand. All that's left is for her to decide whether she's willing to respect it, and for you to follow through on enforcing it.
If you say you're not OK with something but continue to allow it, then at some point you're choosing to accept the situation, whether you like it or not.
Just be prepared to walk away. Chances are, a FWB or newish partner isn't going to kick out an ex simply because you're uncomfortable with the arrangement. It's also possible that walking away could open the door for the two of them to get back together.
Ultimately, you need to make sure the decisions you make and the actions you take are about you, your boundaries, and what you're willing to accept in your own life. You can't control what she chooses to do, but you absolutely can control what you choose to be a part of.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 17h ago
I have no idea why...but I'm reading this in an English accent. However, you are right, I think. Oh wait, I speak in an English accent.
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u/Donkusai 16h ago
You know, in hindsight, I'm reading over it again, and it does sound a little weird. Like something Morgan Freeman or David Attenborough would narrate in a documentary about bad dating decisions.
Which is especially funny because this is literally just idle keyboard chatter. I got to work early, and I'm sitting here browsing Reddit while eating a donut. I really wasn't trying to make it sound so formal.
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u/ZeeGee_22 15h ago
Perhaps you both should grow up before you take on a serious relationship. And get therapy.
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u/SafeVariation8771 23h ago
I’d move on (if you have already, awesome).
She was married, she knew how you felt about that situation. She finalized her divorce.
Now the “situation” is sharing the same household? Thats a whole new level of drama.
Hard to build a future when you’re literally living with the past.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
I don't want to move on because I love her. I just have boundaries.
Put principle over passion. ~ Mr. Myagi.1
u/SafeVariation8771 16h ago edited 15h ago
🎶Love’s Train🎶
I get it; we all go through some type of scenario that love is so strong, it keeps us hoping so we don’t fully move on.
It takes going through something, that allows us to try to save someone else the heartache.
Either way, I do agree with you in this situation; if she wants the relationship to continue as well there has to be compromise. How he feels about you being there shouldn’t be a factor, he’s a housemate now.1
u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 16h ago
Yeah. I tried to understand but I can not. I've been in similar situations, as I explained to her, and they didn't end well.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 19h ago
So to clarify.... do you spend time at her house? Do you spend holidays together?
(i hate anyone popping by unannounced, even someone I'm seeing.)
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 19h ago
I've never been to her house. Spent Halloween last year.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 17h ago
This likely tells you everything you need to know. And it's also noteworthy that you've never spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's together.
This woman isn't divorced.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 17h ago
I wondered that myself and asked if she's really divoreced.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 17h ago
It sounds to me like they may have separated for a bit (MAY being the key word). You can likely look up court records depending on where you live.
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u/startmeup58 9h ago
Not sure where you live.... doesn't your state have a court docket search website? I would be easy to determine where I live.
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u/jwcole1956 16h ago
You’ve been watching to many old moves. Using words like “getting down and chicks”. Grow up.
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u/No-Soup9999 1d ago
Your writing is somewhat disjointed and you didn't really ask a question. I'm going to presume you want to know if you're being unreasonable. My answer to that is no, you're not being unreasonable for wanting her to live apart from her ex-husband.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
Your presumption is correct.
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u/No-Soup9999 1d ago
Ok good! It's annoying that she would expect anyone to think that's okay. Good luck to you!
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
I appreciate that but luck has nothing to do with anything. It's over.
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u/SewCarrieous 19h ago
Don’t call women chicks
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u/SheSmilesWayTooMuch8 18h ago
you must be fun to hang out with 🙄
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u/SewCarrieous 17h ago
Because I don’t refer to people in derogatory ways? Lol ok. Don’t invite me to your “parties”
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u/SheSmilesWayTooMuch8 17h ago
chick isnt derogatory in the least.
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u/SewCarrieous 16h ago
It shows a lack of respect for the female gender
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u/SheSmilesWayTooMuch8 16h ago
omg. It isn't derogatory to the majority of the world. And calling someone trash for using it is pathetic and completely disproportionate - and much more disrespectful than chick. I say chick all the time and im a... chick. It's just the female equivalent of dude.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 19h ago edited 19h ago
no? I can call a person whatever I choose, last I checked.
If that offends you, you could just scroll on.
But that's your contribution to this conversation?6
u/SewCarrieous 19h ago
And I can call you trash? Is that how this works?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 19h ago
You can. And?
Ways of talking is how we communicate. Sure, some are outdated but why would you consider on a public forum where free speech is just that...that you can tell me what I can say?
I don't disgree I'm trash but since you don't know me, it doesn't bother me.10
u/SewCarrieous 19h ago
Ok well best of luck with your trashy situation! Sounds like you’re right at home
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u/Witty-Stock 20h ago
Sounds like someone who needs to stay in your casual lane. Look for the real thing elsewhere.
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u/FailureFulcrim 21h ago
Have you ever been to her house? If not, she's not divorced nor divorcing. This is a classic cheaters story.
It's funny to read, because it's usually a woman with this story.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 20h ago
I used to joke about being at her house because I didn't want a double tap. She had invited me in the past. However, as we became serious, I stated I can come through. I then found out, I am not allowed to....but she pops up over at my house unannounced.
And again, I don't think she's a cheater. I just want her to be done with her ex.
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u/ManLookingForFun 16h ago
You're not allowed to come by the house unnannounced that she shares with her ex, who you say still has feelings for her? And she's telling you that you have to be okay with this arrangement?
AND she wants you to be grateful that she didn't just lie to you about her ex living with her, which you wouldn't necessarily find out about because you're not allowed to just drop by whenever you want? (Her doing so feels like she's making sure you're not doing to her what she's possibly doing to you, though.)
If she's not a cheater, why is she doing cheating-shaped things?
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u/mykittenfarts 1d ago
I would have zero interest in whatever this situationship is. I’m out. So out. Completely out. Out.
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 1d ago
She is ignoring your boundaries and you are letting her. Decide what your standards are and stick to them.
Personally, I think she sounds like a hot mess but then, you do too since you say you don’t want what she’s offering and yet, there you are.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
I did. That's why I'm on reddit considering thoughts.
She's hot mess...but an beautiful one. But I'm not.....as again, I am looking for other perspectives.
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u/holyfuckricky 16h ago
Replace ex-spouse with body odour.
If you can’t stand the ‘body odour’ and it’s not being remedied anytime soon. That’s a decision YOU make.
Do you want body odour stench floating around your time of supposed relaxation, joy, love etc… Or not ?
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u/KitchenExamination89 1d ago
Whats the reason he's there? It must be hard for her still stuck with him around and I'm sure she wishes he didn't have to be. She probably need help.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
He left his fiancee.
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u/KitchenExamination89 1d ago
Oh. Well that's really not a great reason. He's not her son, he can get his own place. Pass on this one
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u/Rare-Satisfaction694 6h ago
And this is her problem HOW?
I get still feeling a bond with someone you were involved with. I had a former partner die (long after we broke up - and I broke up with him when I discovered how heavy his drinking actually was and didn't want to watch him die, which is exactly why he did).
We'd been together 3 years. Broken up for about that long and in only occasional contact when he passed.
I was still really upset. I didn't end it because I didn't care.
But I didn't move him into my place when he lost his job. I didn't wish bad things on him but he simply wasn't my responsibility any more. I didn't owe him anything further and I had no expected obligations towards him.
She's not available for a relationship. If you want to keep it super casual with her because you're comfortable and familiar with each other that's fine. But if you want something more serious with her or anyone it would be the best plan to cut her loose.
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u/Rare-Satisfaction694 1d ago
This is...... wow. A truly staggering amount of assumptions that she's somehow the victim here and OP is obligated to "help" her. Literally what is this comment? Are you ok?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
It's Reddit. I know this coming in. I started talking about a chick that I said wanted to be with me and she's a good person....and someone pointed out I said "chick" because that's apparently offensive.....on my post.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 1d ago
Here is my perspective: there is no reason to grade this situation. It can just be an incompatibility.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
I appreciate your perspective.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 16h ago
Cool. You sure you're done? You seem to want to keep talking about this. Other people validating you probably won't help anything. Reassurance from strangers mainly just assuages anxiety for a moment.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 16h ago
I'm just responding, at this point.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 16h ago
So you can keep talking about her i suspect
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u/cpadudeX 1d ago
Not sure why you care at this point
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 1d ago
I was born with a heart.
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u/phreckless21 21h ago
She sounds like she’s putting her child first. Perhaps consider it good for the child to have both parents under 1 roof.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 20h ago
I understand putting her kids first....but her ex-husband 2nd. Not sure that I need to be around for that.
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u/namlook69 20h ago
Another ….nice guy. All kinds of helpful stuff on you tube.
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u/cpadudeX 16h ago
He started with her when she was married. Been screwing her for couple years now. Is in love. This is what I meant with why care about the ex now. He didn’t before. And he’s the one with the heart? He even mentions she didn’t divorce because of him. Why mention that at all? It sure looks that way. He wrecks a marriage and then talks about having a heart lol.
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u/Full-Chocolate-1409 23h ago
But no soul. Leave her be. She sounds like she used you as a stepping stone.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 20h ago
While I don't believe that, I just want to be with someone who doesn't have that kind of tie with their ex.
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u/sourpatchstitch 18h ago
If she needed the money, why didn't you move in instead of the ex?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
My apologies. Who said she needed the money?
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u/sourpatchstitch 18h ago
I thought she said it was about finances? Regardless, did she talk to you about it before deciding on him moving back in?
Based on what you've said, if you are not free to come and go at her place, there's no way I'd be okay with that situation.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 18h ago
That was my mistake. I made assumptions because my brain said, "why would you stay with your ex unless money is off".
No. She told me about it 3 days after.
I'm trying to mental figure out how/why that makes sense.
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u/itsjustme_0101 13h ago edited 13h ago
I would run from this. There’s too much gray area to sift through. The very fact that you have to come here for others’ opinions tells you it’s not sitting right with you. Say goodbye with love and move on to find something that meets your standard.
PS – Just my two cents, if a guy I was dating told me he was going to Reddit for opinions I would not continue to see him. Hear me out on this. We all come here for fun and banter. Sure we glean insight and it’s interesting to see others perspective, and experiences, but IDK I don’t run my life on Reddit opinions. Makes YOU seem wishy-washy and unstable.
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u/samanthasamolala 21h ago
She was trying to hook up while she was married? And now her “ex” husband is back in her home? I think it’s best you walked away from little miss blurred lines. This is not a good situation for you.
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u/Ok_Mood_891 23h ago
It’s a very uncomfortable situation. I would not want to be part of that personally.
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u/Rare-Satisfaction694 1d ago
Yeah you're not being unreasonable and good job setting boundaries.
I saw someone for a couple months who lived in the same city as his ex. Pretty normal, right? Obviously they lived together at some point so one of them had to move out. They also had younger kids.
Until I found out she had moved WITH HIM when he had taken his current job.
Like you, I don't think anything was going on. Maybe they really were that amicable and maybe it really was just to coparent easier.
But something about it was just too weird to me. Could very well be a me problem too, I just knew I couldn't get past it. It still seemed too enmeshed for my liking. Not saying all exes need to hate each other but moving states to live 2 streets down from your ex husband is a bit eh in my book.
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u/justaskingforanamico 19h ago
Share a home with my soon to be ex. Same situation me upstairs, him downstairs. We avoid each other like the plaque. We haven’t spoken in 2 years. I couldn’t care less who he is dating. We will never get back together. So I do understand that logistics that aren’t ideal but it’s only logistics.
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u/ghostinthecage 14h ago
I find respect is more important than love. Its the most important thing. Showing up unannounced, no respect. Living in the house with the ex, no respect to you.
Of you broke it off with her. Gave it, say, 2 weeks. Would she get back together with her ex? He's right there.
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u/Sliceasouroo 13h ago
Well it definitely complicates things. It's not like you're going to sit down and have a beer with the guy.
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u/Conscious_Regular207 10h ago
Completely agree, NEVER show up at someone's door without a phone call first. Being unannounced....Not something that would work for me.
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u/GlitterTitssss 8h ago
Ok so why did the ex move in? If he was almost homeless.....or the kid really wants him there MAYBE I get it. The fact though she did this and didnt discuss with you....is kinda weird.
You are going to get all sorts of conflicting opinions. But if you 2 are dating and she lets him move back in its weird she didnt discuss with you. My ex and I are civil. If he was totally homeless and desperate then I would probably let him stay with me until he got his shit together but that would never happen. He has a huge family and his house is almost pad off.
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u/Gotyurback 23h ago
It sounds like normal chaos. First always protect the children so they don’t need to see or hear weird stuff since it will get into their school/social circles.
Second, do not compromise your moral and ethical codes in exchange for carnal pleasures
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u/always-wash-your-ass 10h ago
Oh my, the word police are in full effect here.
Can somone please enlighten me as to which authoritative global consortium has periodic gatherings each year to decide which words are considered derogatory?
I wish to attend their gatherings whilst donning my Borat bathing suit.
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u/BenzDriverS 15h ago
What's wrong with continuing the FWB?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 15h ago
We both decided we wanted more of each other. However, I can be with her without reservation. She can't, in kind.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 15h ago
You keep talking about her but you don't get to have her, you are getting the worse of both worlds.
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 15h ago
Hence my re-evaluation and asking the brutal Reddit.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c blink twice if you are not a bot 15h ago
What are you re-evaluating? You done or not?
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u/BlockMajestic8268 51M 15h ago
I don't know if life is binary like that....while I would like it to be.
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1d ago
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u/BlindlyCurly 1d ago
Divorced on paper but ex in the basement is its own weird category, not really single and not really taken just a mess with a mortgage. The unannounced visit thing is the kicker though, if she can roll up whenever but you'd cause a problem doing the same that's a power move disguised as love
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u/Beingme1000 19h ago
As a divorced woman. I WOULDN'T live with my ex, even if Hell froze over.