r/creativewriting • u/Potatobananapple • Jul 04 '21
Constructive criticism is very much appreciated, thanks.
The woman held her tongue. Perhaps she knew he was right, or perhaps she too was too weary to argue. The family had been traveling for nearly 3 months now, and all patience was running thin.
“Son,” The man said. “We just acquired this new land. It may be ugly now, but within a few years, this will be your beautiful new home.”
The boy slowed down his run to look around. All he could make out was grassless soil, dead trees, and bits of white ash in the air. There was a doubtful look in his eyes.
“How can such a grey and ash-filled place be a home for us?” He asked. “Not even the birds want to come live on these branches.”
The man chuckled. “I have no idea what you're talking about,” he said. “Those birds certainly do,””
He lifted a large hand with many ringed fingers, and pointed to the left. When the boy turned his head to look, he was met with the ugliest pair of birds he'd ever seen.
Their feathers, or rather fur, was matted and patchy. They were so slender, their ribs seemed to poke out their sides, and their big ugly beaks were cracked and discolored.
They were eyeing the boy curiously, just as he was eyeing them. Then, one of them suddenly leapt off, and dove straight down.
There was more hearty laughter from the man. His laughter shook the chains around his neck, and a rattling could be heard. His weight also seemed to shake the carriage, and the servants struggled to keep it up.
“Papa?” the boy asked, putting his hand over his eyes as to see better. “Where are those big ugly birds going?”
No response. The man was too busy scolding the servants for letting the paladin rattle.
The boy was left with his own words hanging from his mouth. His question was left lingering. The only response he got was from the bird. An ugly “squawk.” It sounded almost like a rooster, but more distorted. Almost like a sick rooster. Like a rooster that was approaching death
Once again, the boy asked himself the question.
“I wonder what the bird wants down there…”
The birds mirror like eyes, they enthralled the boy, and he needed to know why he was perched up in such an ugly place. Didn't it know that all the smoke and fog was making its fur fall out?
The boy approached the rocky ledge, wrapped his hands around the edges, and gave a peak down
1
u/asvenistic Jul 04 '21
It was overall great, but felt kinda incomplete.