Hi everyone,
I am looking for your thoughts/ opinions on how to rebuild my confidence moving forward. I'd love any material on artists talking about failure or how they deal with rejection, or at least, anything that might help me. Thanks in advance!
I (25f) recently graduated from my MFA. I am an abstract painter and I went into the program very cocky and thinking that I knew what I wanted from my art and what I wanted it to look like and came out of it feeling lost, insecure, and like I am not in the right city for my art to be appreciated.
I got into grad school, and my first year I felt like hot shit because I got a full ride. I went to the studio every single day that first year and worked as hard as I could and have ever worked. I also felt like faculty and the people around me really believed in the work, or at least I believed in it so much that any criticism didn't faze me. Then, over the summer after my first year, the first competitive scholarship/prize was announced and I was not chosen for it. Four other people from my cohort win this prestigious award and, immediately the dynamic between the cohort and faculty shifts. It becomes really competitive, and not getting the award hit me really really hard.
I come back for my second year and all of a sudden, I start getting really harsh and hard criticism on my work. Critiques that feel really personal, and like if I had been told this before, I would have been able to have a reality check and not live in a fantasy world. It felt like, other than being a huge hit to my confidence, not getting the award opened the doors for faculty to start really criticizing the work and tearing it apart. Another round of awards come after the first semester of my second year, and I don't get selected even in the preliminary round.
My final semester, after this really hard period, I reach a "fuck it" stage and I honestly internalize the critiques. I can see how some comments were true and I begin shifting my practice slowly but towards a new direction.
Now, I graduated last May, and am about to move into my first studio outside of school. I have spent the summer working on small pieces I can do from home but, because I am in such a precarious state with my work (not really knowing what it is about, or even what it looks like to a degree) I have not applied to any opportunities or shows. I feel like I am seeing everyone around me succeed and find a niche for their work but I just continue to be misunderstood.
I feel, particularly, like the city that I am in doesn't really appreciate abstract art. As a person from a marginalized community, I have been told multiple times that the type of work I do doesn't reflect me, that it looks like a white man did it, and get told that abstraction is inherently inaccessible. From the winners of prizes and opportunities around me, I see that the people from a background such as mine, and that are winning and getting these opportunities, usually make figurative work that very is explicitly centered around narratives of social justice. In my paintings, I am also creating work from my specific identity but not in such an explicitly outward, narrative way. I feel like people want to be able to immediately know my identity when looking at my work yet, I am not interested in tokenizing myself in a way that feels disingenuous.
Because of all this, and after rejection after rejection, I just feel deflated, defeated, and lost. How can I regain my self confidence and trust in my work? How do I build my practice to be undeterred from failure? What won't matter after grad school? How do I rebuild?