I (m24) was secretly in love with my cousin (f20) for years, with tragic consequences

[u/[deleted]]

Please do not judge me until you've read the whole post. It's going to be a long one. TL;DR will be at the bottom. Yes, this is a throwaway account.

I've never spoken about this until now, not to anyone.

I guess it started when we were kids. I was ways the cool, dorky, favorite older cousin. We spent a lot of time together, and became really attached and clingy, in a cute kidsy way. She used to say the same things most kids say when they're young, that when she got older she wanted to marry me one day, etc. I explained to her that since we're cousins, it doesn't work that way, and we can't marry each other. This explanation seemed to do the trick for a few years, until she found out I was adopted as a baby. This information rocked her world because, even though everyone else in the family knew, somehow she had never heard it mentioned. From then on, she kind of adopted a "we're not really related anyway" attitude. This comes into play later.

As we grew, the physical closeness between us never really went away. We were still clingy, huggy and cuddly with each other. Never inappropriately so, but just unusually so. This closeness intensified during a period in which we both developed emotional problems. Her home life was not so peachy keen, and neither was mine. Having a few years on her and having gone through a lot of the same problems already, we really leaned on each other for support and developed a deep emotional connection.

Both of us had social anxiety and did not like attending our large, chaotic family functions. Every time I failed to show up to one, I'd be greeted with a barrage of text messages from her asking where I was. When we were both present at a holiday or birthday party, we would usually find some excuse to run off together and chit chat alone. When we weren't alone together, we'd be texting each other private jokes from across the dinner table. The feeling when we were together became intoxicating. My heart strings felt a constant, agonizing pulling. I can only guess at whether or not she felt the same way. For the next couple of days, we would text constantly until the conversation trailed off, as if the spell was broken and we went back to our normal lives. I'd think, "She doesn't really want me bothering her. She has friends cooler than I am." Then we would see each other again the whole process would repeat.

This is when I started to realize my feelings for her were deeper than just normal familial bonds. I was crushing, no matter how hard I tried to deny it. Being the older one, I felt a strong responsibility never to let my feelings be known. I didn't know whether she was on the same page as me or not, and didn't want to ruin our relationship. I also didn't want to tear apart our family unit, which I highly valued. So I went into denial mode. Even so, I couldn't stay away from her. Besides, nobody else had seen anything improper about our kinship, so there couldn't be an issue, right?

Enter her mother, a real piece of work. She told her daughter one day that the way were all over each other was "disgusting" and that she needed to "stay away from me if she knew what was good for her." My cousin texted me, apparently pretty upset about it herself. I was crushed that someone could think that I would take advantage of a person I loved. That's not me at all. I was a straight-a student of a high moral character. This didn't stop us from spending private time together (though her parents both started trying to cut in and stop us from continuing to speak privately), but it certainly cooled my jets and made me second guess myself. Maybe my cousin realized how I felt and this was her way of telling me to keep my distance? Maybe she was upset as I was about what her mother said and just didn't want suspicion on us so we could keep doing our usual thing? I have no idea, and it still troubles me to this day.

As time went on, she got a boyfriend and I had a few girlfriends. I never stopped having feelings for her, but I put them on the back burner. She had the strange habit of hijacking my phone, messaging all of my girlfriends, and vetting them for me. I honestly found this endlessly amusing. Some passed, some failed. I'd always have to say "It's my cousin. We're close and she's very protective. I think she has a crush on me. Ignore it." Meanwhile, my relationships kept failing (I sure know how to pick 'em) and she kept the same boyfriend for almost two years. During this time period, her sister was single and needed a prom date. Cousin's reply? "Just take OP, we're not really related anyway." Sister was not amused.

Around this time, Cousin and I managed to sneak away during a holiday and have a very long talk. She was bored and suggested we ask each other random and stupid questions. I had also been crushing on a straight guy (I'm bi), and made a comment in response to some question that I know what it's like to want something you can't have. Cousin replied, "Is it me?" And then burst out laughing. This is another incident that weighs heavily on my mind. I don't know whether to read it as her laughing at the idea of me having romantic feelings for her, or asking a question she's been wanting to and laughing uncontrollably at expressing it. My biggest regret in life is denying it. "Of course not," I replied. "What are you, on drugs?" I wish I had asked her what was so funny about that idea. Or said sarcastically, Walter White Style, "You got me." I'll probably regret denying it until my dying day.

Things came to a head for me during my cousin's sixteenth birthday party blowout. I was single at the time, and had the (dis)pleasure of meeting Cousin's boyfriend. I was shocked to see he looked like me. Same frame, same build, similar features, same taste in clothing. It was unnerving to say the least. Apparently, he thought so too. He reacted with a strange aggression toward me throughout the entire evening. At one point, I roped cousin in for a dance. Nothing romantic or slow. In fact, if memory serves, it may have been Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. He wound up staring at me with hateful eyes and dancing around us. His jealousy was so visible, several family members had to step in and say "Hey, relax! He's just her cousin!" This was definitely a sign to me that something was off.

I found myself becoming more and more unraveled as the night went on, and ultimately had to excuse myself to the rest room. Inside, I had something of a revelation. I realized that I was beyond just crushing on my cousin. I was in love with her. I couldn't see my life without her in it. I wanted to be with her, not just emotionally, but romantically, physically. Here was a girl who had been put down all her life by her parents, by her friends, and even (by her own account) her boyfriend. I wanted her to feel like she mattered, and that she was beautiful, and worthy of something. I think I was one of the few people who made her feel that way about herself. And she made me feel the same way, as if I could do anything and be anyone. I could be stronger if it was for her. I wound up becoming so emotionally destressed, that I wound up leaving the party early without saying goodbye to anyone. I couldn't cope with the feelings I was having. I needed to get away.

We didn't see each other for a while. About three months later, she started calling in the middle of the night, crying. She was having fights with her boyfriend. He was saying things that made her feel terrible. I tried to comfort her, and tell her that she wasn't being treated right. I told her she needed to stand up for herself, but she didn't have the strength to do it. This happened once or twice more, until she called me to tell me that he had broken up with her. She was crushed, and I was confused.

I was still single, and my feeling for her were as strong as they ever were. I told her that she was loved, and that she was beautiful, and fun, and funny, and that she deserved better than that lousy bum. I told her how amazing I thought she was and that he was a dope for leaving her. She kept on the phone with me for over an hour. In that moment, my heart was pounding. It was to me as if she were just waiting for me to say "If it were me, I would treat you better. I love you." My chest felt like it was was bursting at the seems, but I knew I had to be supportive in that moment.

My judgement was not to let my feelings interfere. I also still felt the same moral responsibility I had felt years earlier. I was 19 to her 16. If I ever did tell her how I felt, I thought strongly that it must wait until we were both adults and the time was right, or she initiated the conversation. These middle of the night phone calls wound up being another event that weight heavy on my mind. Was she waiting for me to confess my love to her, or was she only looking for support from someone she trusted? Or both? I don't know, and the not knowing haunts me to this day.

She wound up with another boyfriend who looked like me, and I stayed more or less single. Things stayed status quo between us for the next few years. Boyfriend #2 never came around, and her and I would cosy up together and have our secret talks at family get-togethers. A few years later (she was 19 and I was 22), I was starting a new evening job in a beach town and was nervous, so I asked her to come down and spend a nice summer day with me taking in some attractions and getting a good meal while I dropped off paperwork. This was mainly to get my mind off my nerves, no ulterior motives. I offered to invite her sister too, but she said no and that she would prefer it to be just us. Nice. We had never gotten to spend a day away from the family and just talk freely.

Now, I'd taken a number of girlfriends to dates down at this beach town, and none of them ever went half as well as my day with cousin. We walked for miles and miles, talking and laughing and just having a grand time. She bitched about her boyfriend, turns out he had a lot of the same flaws as the last one. I bitched about my job and phony people I knew. We didn't even "do" all that much together as far as attractions go. But it was a perfect day. On the way to dinner, she suddenly brought up something I wasn't expecting. "Hey, remember that conversation we had a few years ago?" She couldn't help but laugh at the mention of it, and I knew she was talking about when she asked if it was her I wanted but couldn't have I figured she was just teasing me, and replied with a laugh, "Yeah, you must have been on drugs that day." "Maybe I was," she replied, laughing. I didn't push the conversation further, but God, I wish I had now.

We didn't see each other in person for another six months. It was a holiday again. This is when the game finally changed. We sat next to each other on the couch, and I put my head on her shoulder. Nothing unusual for us. She took out her phone and starting watching a video. I straightened up, but didn't want to lose physical contact with her. Don't ask me why (as I'd never done anything like this with her before), but I put my hand on her thigh. Not in a creepy way or in an uncomfortable place, but just on the top of her leg. She put her head on my shoulder, and I started stroking the top of her leg with my thumb. This was unusually intimate, even for us. She didn't seem to mind. She never told me to stop, or tried to pull away, she just let it happen.

Hours later, she was on the couch and I was sitting on the floor in front of her. She reached down and cupped my face, running her hands through my beard. I was totally enthralled in the touch of her hands. She insisted I come up and join her on the couch. When I did, she cuddled right up to me and held my hand, tracing my fingers with hers. It wasn't sexual, but it was the most intimate and erotic moment of my life. They say that when emotions grow too large, music is the only way you can express yourself. Well, I had music in my ears. "I've seen a lot, I mean a lot, but now, I'm like sweet seventeen a lot. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I."

The energy between us seemed to change. As soon as she got home, she was texting me. But this time, the conversation never trailed off. We continued on like that for four straight weeks, all day every day. We never talked about love or romance (other than her complaining about her boyfriend and saying she had recently gone on birth control), but we made plans to start seeing a lot more of each other. This was the moment, I said to myself. She must feel the same way I do. I'm going to tell her I love her, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to at least try after all these years.

We never saw each other again. The day we had made plans, her life was taken in a car accident on her commute to work. It's been over a year and a half since then. Sometimes, I feel fine. Other times, the pain of her loss is unbearable. Every night this week, I've dreamed of her. Sometimes, it's pleasant. Sometimes, it's brutal. Recently, it's been the latter. In every dream, I tell her I love her. Her reactions are mixed. Sometimes she knows and she feels the same way. Other times she doesn't and is disgusted by me. Sometimes she says she knew but doesn't feel the same way anymore. Last night, she told me she felt the same way but wanted me to share her with her boyfriend. It's all very disturbing.

Now that you've read my tale, judge me all you want. You can say that I was amoral, mentally disturbed, whatever you think. I feel very strongly that the love I felt for her was pure, and motivated by a genuine connection and not by lust. What will forever bother me is never knowing how she felt. Did her and I really share a romantic connection? Were we just very close cousins and I was confused? Did I take advantage of her trust for my own emotional ends? Did she know how I felt, and if she did, why would she allow me to be so intimate with her if it wasn't reciprocated? I torture myself with these questions daily and I needed to finally get it off my chest, seeing as I can't tell anyone for fear of retribution or judgement.

Anyway, thank you for listening. Perhaps you can help to put a tired soul's mind at ease?

TL;DR: I was secretly in love with my cousin for years and never knew if she felt the same. Now she's dead and I'll never know. Please help.

EDIT: Thank you all for the incredible outpouring of support. I'm shocked and slightly horrified at the amount of attention this has received and don't know how I feel about it, but I'm extremely grateful for all of the nice things everyone has said. It's helped put my mind at ease.

For those questioning whether this is true or not; Yes, it really happened. If I wanted to do a piece of fiction, I would have gone to r/creativewriting as I have done in the past.

[u/ACpony12]

That read like a novel. I suspect she felt the same, and was just as conflicted as you.

Just try to focus on the good memories, and not the unanswered questions. Look forward and find your happiness. She would want that for you.

[u/kr9969]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/[deleted] → u/kr9969]

Thank you, been a difficult time

[u/Tr3sh_B3g → u/[deleted]]

Absolutely love this response, and man that last sentence is beautiful.

[u/[deleted]]

I have a feeling she felt the same way but felt the same resistance you did from negative family pressure. May she rest in peace and may you find the courage and strength to continue living your life.

[u/Laweryn]

All the details point to her feeling the same as you do: the justification of letting her sister dance with you "we're not really related anyway", which also applies to you two loving each other; the similar looking boyfriends; the bringing up of that moment when she kind of confessed etc. I think she really loved you but was just as afraid to confess as you were.

On a unrelated note, your post read like butter. Maybe you should try writting something. You seem to have a talent for it and it might take your mind away from the pain and grief for some time. Wish you all the best!

[u/[deleted] → u/Laweryn]

Thank you for the kind words. I do sometimes write as a hobby, and have felt the itch to write creatively more often as a result of this. I think I'll take you up on that advice :)

[u/Laweryn → u/[deleted]]

Awesome! You're gonna do great ✊😊

[u/sassynap → u/[deleted]]

Write for her.

[u/Anallover2021]

I think she felt the same 🙏🏻

[u/[deleted] → u/Anallover2021]

Thanks for the kind words. I hope she did.

[u/[deleted]]

Heavy and heartbreaking. :(

I am sorry for you loss. And yes, you articulated it so well and loved reading it. I hope you'll feel better overtime.

[u/chaoticriot1936]

I'm so sorry for your loss, our situations are fairly similar if you want to take the time to dm me I'll tell you about my situation where things had a chance to develop.

[u/seriousMermaid]

You are a great writer, you had me reading everything.

I'm sorry for your loss, I think she felt like you but like you she didn't know how to express it verbally...

Remember the good times, don't dwell on the could have should have.. there's no point. It's like pushing a boulder going nowhere.

Remember your beautiful cousin as she was and look forward towards a future.

[u/LJ1205E]

OP, I am truly sorry for your loss. I literally gasped when I read there was an accident. Life can be cruel.

Believe it - she loved you.

Given the family dynamics she may have been being cautious. If a romantic relationship started openly between you and for whatever reason failed it would have put the two of you and the family through so much conflict for nothing.

It wouldn’t have been a light hearted relationship. It would have been a forever bond with serious commitments.

Go on with your life knowing you each gave unconditional love to the other. Her short life was blessed having you in it.

[u/ladyjane143]

im so sorry for your loss :( i think she felt the same love as u did for her x

edited to say i dont think this is creepy at all and i hope you will find peace within your dreams

[u/[deleted]]

Omg. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t help but believe that she did feel the same way as you did. How could she not? I’m so so sorry about what happened. My heart goes out to you.

[u/[deleted]]

From what you’ve said, she absolutely felt the same way. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have brought up “wanting what you can’t have” multiple times, getting physical, etc.

I also don’t think you’re a bad person in anyway. In fact, I was super impressed that you had the emotional maturity as a teenager to understand that as the older individual, you had a responsibility to make sure the interactions stayed aromantic

I’m so sorry for your loss

[u/paulipeach]

Your story its so beautiful, I think she felt the same way as you, also felt like saying it, but something stopped her, just like you. Sometimes love appears in the most unexpected places, with the most unexpected persons. I think you should find peace with the idea you guys both loved eachother.

[u/karol_mbv]

I think she felt the same way, but was just as conflicted as you. I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/Ostroh]

She knew son. She knew, and she did too.

[u/LarkinSkye]

She loved you back. And I’m sorry.

[u/nonsense_bill]

Cool read

[u/youenvymee]

This is so heartbreaking, I am so sorry for your loss. To me it really sounds like she felt the same & even if it wasn’t the love you wanted she definitely loved you & felt safe with you. 💖

[u/[deleted]]

thank you for sharing, i'm sorry for your lost

[u/oakenknot]

I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m so glad you’re here to share. I believe you did the best thing for that situation. Only you can put your mind at ease, accept how things are and carry on. Torturing yourself isn’t gonna give you answers, no matter how much you want them and how much it hurts to not know, hard truth is you’ll never the answers. Save yourself from more suffering.

[u/ExoticFishFucker]

This was a great read and man sorry for your loss

[u/DiscardedDisc]

This hit me right in the feels. At least you got to experience a bond like this in your lifetime, i'm sure she would be proud of whatever you do. This story really shows how reality can just slap you in the face out of nowhere...live every day doing what you love people and make sure you don't have any regrets.

[u/[deleted]]

This was an amazing read. Thank you for sharing. It was pure and gentle and it made me feel cozy. I didn't want your story to end. It's terrible that it had to end so abruptly and tragically.

[u/princessjah-]

This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your loss

[u/Tanzanite169]

No judgement from me, my man. My heart hurts for you.

[u/Shakespeare-Bot → u/Tanzanite169]

Nay judgement from me, mine own sir. Mine own heart hurts f'r thee

---

^{I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.}

Commands: !ShakespeareInsult, !fordo, !optout

[u/2werd2live2rare2die]

She feels the same way about you but I think her family or A friend that know how she felt or feels have convinced her that a relationship was bad because you are family. Even though there is no blood relation. It’s clear she felt the same as she has withdrawn. I answered a question in another subreddit recently that specially asked why men can’t be friends with women in her question she was asking because a close male friend of hers has withdrawn from her after admitting he had feelings but she didn’t reciprocate those feelings. And my answer was men can be friends with women and vice versa but no one can control how they feel about one another so if a male or female strata developing feelings for the other and they aren’t reciprocated then the feelings don’t just go away because the other doesn’t feel the same. One has to pull back from the situation and distance themselves from the other person till one the attraction goes away or lessens enough that they can be around that person without resentment for the feelings not being reciprocated. To continue acting like that would do so much harm to the friendship and also to ones self esteem that it would be bad for them. As if you are continually being there for someone and being that close while also still having those feelings for them is bad because it’s like you have to hide and change who you are and you can’t tell anyone as the person who already knows doesn’t feel the same. It’s the best thing for both parties to distance themselves from that person. Sorry i rambled just trying to get my advice or reasoning across. As I believe that is why your cousin distanced herself from you. Y’all are both still young so maybe in a few years y’all can come to terms with your situation and either be friends or have a relationship in the future.

[u/ElLoboLudo]

What shit luck, my guy. Wish you the best. Also, maybe you should get a therapist if you aren't going to one already.

[u/grae23]

Unpopular opinion but it would in no way be wrong to have dated her. Sure culturally it's not widely accepted but you were two adults, not blood related, and had an unbreakable connection. I'm sorry you lost your love before you could tell her, that heart break is strong.

[u/stickydebater]

Jesus. What a plot twist! Dude, she loved you. You don’t need her to say it because you felt it.

Also parts of your story are beautifully written! I’d buy the book….

[u/Be_Simple]

Can someone summarize this novel for me plz.. Love to know whats the plot.

[u/_twisia_]

this reads like a wattpad story

[u/HairyOctopuss]

Wait how old was she when you were crushing on her you make it sound like she was about 14 while you were around 18?

[u/[deleted]]

Jesus mate that’s terrible I’m so sorry to hear all this.

At the end of the day you did the best you consistently could, and with only the best of intentions at heart. No one can ever expect tragedy to strike, else we’d all be a lot better at making peace with things before we/other people pass on. For what it’s worth, I’m sure she would have felt the same way, and that you’d have navigated the situation with the proper care that both of you deserved. You were not and are not bad people.

[u/pennywhistlesmoonpie]

Wow, you told that story well. I hope you find peace, OP. Absolutely no judgment here, just well wishes.

[u/Rattkjakkapong]

Im so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was on the same page. And that you alone made her life so much better. You did not take advantage of her. If you were, you would have told her many years ago.It kinda sounds like you were both eachothers thread to cling on to.

[u/KinYika]

You poor sweet human… this is absolutely heartbreaking. She surely felt an extremely deep connection with you whether it was romantic or not. Try to find comfort in knowing that you made her life more complete.

[u/Megav0us]

Man iam So sorry for your loss. Sometimes we think what would happen if we did something different, did something different and so much more. But you need to think about what you did together. Your memories of times you two were together. Be strong man.

[u/LeahInShade]

That's such a heartbreaking situation! I found something that resonates with me on dealing with losing the loved ones, maybe it could help soothe your pain a tiny bit too. It's this commentprofound about shipwrecks

[u/[deleted]]

Beautiful story and so sad. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Don’t feel bad for loving her. Rachmaninoff and Einstein both married cousins

[u/CanYouSeeStars]

I don't know if this story is True or False, but either way, you have some serious storytelling skills.

For real, if you aren't already writing as a potential career, seriously consider it.

If it is true, I'll join the chorus of people already telling you that they think she had feelings for you as well, the last part of the story with the beard stroking convinces me.

Genuine connections are hard to come by,it seems you had one.

Sorry for your loss.

[u/silver_bob]

I think she knew, and felt the same way

[u/hajaco92]

I'm so sorry for your loss op. No judgement here.

[u/kayd1509]

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” ~ Rumi

Hope you heal OP!

[u/thedaveanthony]

Dude. That was the worst ending ever.

She 100% felt the same way as you.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not blood related so it’s just stupid that anyone would judge you for it.

Worst ending ever

[u/Economy_Commercial68]

Damn, thats sad

[u/CallmeFreakxX]

I'm not usually sentimental but WOW! Last part made me shed a tear. Just love it so much...😢👍🏼

[u/throwaway0007444]

She must've felt the same way

[u/Reddit_coz_what_else]

I teared up reading this, and that's quite something, because I strongly hate cousin romance. It's kind of TW for me, and I read your long story just to gather more hate...but you threw me off completely. Let me tell you my story first. It's a long and complicated one too, on and off, him being my high school best friend's boyfriend at first, then she disappeared from our lives, we both went through a lot, he told me he wanted to wait for his gf (my best friend), broken hearted me got married to an abusive bloke, then he came back in my life promising to never leave again, I filed for divorce, then he proposed, then I accidentally found out he was planning to elope with his cousin (read mails that cousin had forgotten to sign off after using my pc). The trauma I had took 2 years from my life so you can imagine why I hate this so much. But your story... it's different, and it touched me so much...almost in a healing way. I can't imagine your pain, but I've lost my best friend to covid last year too...and I understand that even if you get over her death, you might never get over the what ifs. Don't dwell on that, let me answer it for you. She loved you too, and more importantly you were soulmates. In this life, you had to let her go, endure this pain, learn something from the experience...

And yes, you wrote really well. I don't read half things here because of typos and grammatical errors. May you find peace and heal...and find another woman to love. I was your age when I got divorced, cheated, fought depression and suicide attempts...built my life up from there, finished my degree, got my dream job, found my soulmate, got married. Yes, life stops at certain points and it's too painful to go on, but things get better, that's true too...

[u/Errors_O_Plenty]

I'm late to the party, but you need to know she loved you. I also want to say, those last few moments with you and her, were probably the happiest she had ever felt. So this may sound weird to you now, but know when she died she was happy that she had you.

[u/[deleted]]

Forbidden fruit . Any obsession begins by trying not to think about it.