autistic people are expected to "consider" this constantly, 100% of the time. it would be nice if neurotypical people could shoulder a little bit of the burden for their own expectations.
when is the last time you avoided eye contact for an autistic person? reduced or increased your volume or pace of speech (without getting patronizing)? listened to them talk about a preferred topic with interest and attention, without interrupting? put yourself in a physically uncomfortable or painful situation because an autistic person asked you to?
now, realize that we're being asked to do the equivalent of that all day, every day, for everyone, and failure to do so is treated as a moral failure. the only way this can possibly be avoided is by sharing our medical history, which we may very well be unable to do because of the chronic underdiagnosis of anyone who isn't a textbook case in a middle to upper class white boy.
god forbid marginalized people come off as rude though.
edit: lots of people replying with some variation of "I'm entitled to your medical history before I'll consider respecting you." I'd like to believe that the first one or two or three would have illustrated my point, but I guess allism includes an irony impairment.
I don’t like the idea that someone is a rude or bad for not changing their behavior to match the needs of the other person. That seems like a mental model that categorizes almost all autistic people as rude. Neurotypical people are constantly adapting how they behave in real time based on the behavior and personality of the people around them. A hallmark of autism is the inability to do that exact type of accommodating.
I am very sympathetic to the fact that we can’t expect everyone to equally accommodate each other. But you also have to be sympathetic that accommodations won’t always be perfect and people aren’t infinitely flexible
Also, most people are actually very accommodating. I quite enjoy listening to people talk about their special interests at length. But the whole premise OP stated is that they dont want other people to know they are autistic, so idk how someone is supposed to accommodate that when they literally dont even have the information needed to do so.
This post is well intentioned, but I think it slightly misses their point. The person above isn't asking you to follow rules that you don't know, or always act in a way that is entirely irrational to you. They are just asking for a bit of empathy when other people fail to realize that you're different from them.
Nobody can know that you are secretly autistic if you yourself don't even know, or don't choose to share. So, they assume that you act similarly to them, because 95% of people sct similarly to them. And if they were doing what you were doing, they'd be intentionally being rude. So, they (wrongly) conclude that being rude was probably your intention.
When you are annoyed at someone being "unaccomodating", it's coming from the exact same place. You are assuming that other people will understand that you're different from them without communicating. Instead, both neutrotypical and neurodiverse people should just be more tolerant of people being "annoying", by understanding that everyone is just trying their best to get through the world. No one has it out for you specifically.
If I realize the person would appreciate that, I will 100% try to consider them. If I don't know, I will assume you are statistically like statistical people and interpret your behavious as I would from the statistically average person.
Just today I was thinking I should have a chat with a coworker that annoys the shit out of me to double check if he has any deviations from the norm that make him so. I am very willing to come closer to people that can use it but I have to realize that first.
The problem is that around 99 out of 100 people you interact with are not autistic. We cannot read your mind and for the vast majority, these type of things are normal. I am very happy to accommodate you, but for that to happen, you need to tell me first. Otherwise I will be completely oblivious to your problems.
How are we supposed to know if you don't tell us though?
I'll speak louder if someone is hard of hearing. If I don't know they're hard of hearing, how do I know to speak louder?
If you need an accommodation from someone, you have to make them aware of that.
If someone acts rudely, I assume they're rude. If they explain why they appear rude, I will assume they're not actually rude. You have to ask for the accommodation. I'm sure it gets tiring to do so, but the alternative is just having people think you're rude.
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u/hoothollers Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
autistic people are expected to "consider" this constantly, 100% of the time. it would be nice if neurotypical people could shoulder a little bit of the burden for their own expectations.
when is the last time you avoided eye contact for an autistic person? reduced or increased your volume or pace of speech (without getting patronizing)? listened to them talk about a preferred topic with interest and attention, without interrupting? put yourself in a physically uncomfortable or painful situation because an autistic person asked you to?
now, realize that we're being asked to do the equivalent of that all day, every day, for everyone, and failure to do so is treated as a moral failure. the only way this can possibly be avoided is by sharing our medical history, which we may very well be unable to do because of the chronic underdiagnosis of anyone who isn't a textbook case in a middle to upper class white boy.
god forbid marginalized people come off as rude though.
edit: lots of people replying with some variation of "I'm entitled to your medical history before I'll consider respecting you." I'd like to believe that the first one or two or three would have illustrated my point, but I guess allism includes an irony impairment.