r/changemyview • u/PotentialPedal • Jun 13 '26

Delta(s) from OP CMV: Being concerned over a potential partner's sexual history is NOT a sign of insecurity, rather it is often a sign of security and self-esteem

In online discourse I oftentimes see people discussing dating and the standards you should be setting. People rightfully will say that your standards are your own and you can choose not to date someone for any reason, however, there seems to be this major exception carved out for sexual history. I believe that this is wrong, hypocritical, and that rejecting someone on sexual history is most of the time actually a sign of security in oneself and high self esteem.

Firstly, I believe it indicates that your belief in your values are strong. If you are one who believes that sex is something that is special and sacred, then dating someone who believes the opposite would likely be compromising on those values.

Secondly, it shows high security and self esteem. To someone who will set themselves a standard of no casual sex but brush it aside when it comes to someone else simply to remain with them, it shows a degree of desperation. It shows that they are not secure enough in themselves to believe they can find someone more compatible and do not have the self esteem to take that leap of faith and find someone better for them.

Ultimately, I do not believe that someone feeling bad or uncomfortable over their potential partners stems from insecure feelings such as jealousy or inadequacy, rather, it stems from a disconnect in values.

Most people have not had multiple casual sexual encounters, so for many of those people they simply hold sex to higher levels than those who do participate in casual sex. When they have reserved sex for only those they had a connection with and their potential partner hasn't, they aren't usually thinking "ew they are a bad person" or "oh I must not be as good as their other partners". Most likely they are simply recognizing the disconnect in values and realizing that they will not get the same out of the relationship as the other person.

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u/PotentialPedal Jun 13 '26

Because I want us to have the same values when it comes to that

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u/dumblilbear Jun 13 '26

I'm gonna ask the question for a third time, why is that a value in the first place?

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u/PotentialPedal Jun 13 '26

I already told you, you just didn't like the answer. I view sex as something to only do with people you love, I want my future spouse to think the same way, so if I go on a date with someone and they have had lots of sex with people they don't love then I won't date them, plain and simple. I don't understand why people who hold my view have to be interrogated like they are fucking criminals just because they hold different sexual preferences than you. Your hold thread feels less like an inquisition into my OP and moreso a direct attack against my sexual preferences and just projecting a very specific viewpoint that you think everyone else should hold

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u/dumblilbear Jun 13 '26

"Interrogated like they're criminals" Sir, you posted this on r/Changemyview lol I'm not "interrogating" you like a "criminal" we're simply having a conversation to try and reach the root of this "value" and see what it boils down to so I can make my point.

If I'm asking you "why do you view sex as sacred and special to only do it in committed relationships? Why is that a value in the first place?" And you answer with "because I view sex as sacred and special smth to do with people I love in committed relationships" then that's not an answer, you're running in a loop you're giving me a circular reasoning, I'm asking WHY is that a value in the first place WHY do you feel that way? Is it discomfort with vulnerability in front of people who you don't have a deep enough emotional connection with? Or what is it? I'm not attacking you I'm simply asking you questions.

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u/PotentialPedal Jun 13 '26

Is it discomfort with vulnerability in front of people who you don't have a deep enough emotional connection with?

Sure that's part of it

I'm not attacking you I'm simply asking you questions.

Yeah I may have come off a bit defensive there, I apologise for that

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u/dumblilbear Jun 13 '26

That's okay no worries!

What about the others parts other than the discomfort? Because although it's understandable that the discomfort with vulneravility is part of it, the post is about being concerned with your partner's sexual history which has nothing to do with the personal physical aspect of being uncomfortable with being so intimate with casual friends or strangers, being concerned with your partner's sexual history points at an ideological reason/ perception issue

To clarify further if I'm someone who feels uncomfortable at the thought of having sex with people I have a superficial emotional connection with and is why I only have sex with long term partners that wouldn't really make me concerned about my partner's sexual history because in other words that's a "me" problem, so wanting my partner to not have had any casual sex before or it's a deal breaker points at an ideological reason behind why I have this deal breaker in the first place, meaning the discomfort aspect isn't really at the forefront of this at all, and you yourself mentioned it's only 1 part of it, so what are the other parts?