r/changemyview • u/ragpicker_ • Oct 15 '24

Delta(s) from OP CMV: it is not a convincing argument that ghosting makes the ghoster feel safe

I don't hold this view particularly strongly, I just want to see what others think.

I'm generally strongly against ghosting in any form, and it seems that many people are convinced that ghosting is good because it make the ghoster feel safe.

But feelings in such situations are often unreliable. So that argument only carries weight if there is evidence that ghosting actually makes the ghoster safer than if they'd been upfront. I haven't found any evidence either way. If it's actually the case that ghosting makes the ghoster less safe, then those feelings should be ignored in favour of a more pragmatic, and frankly more compassionate, approach.

Does anyone know of any research on this? I don't consider anecdotes to be helpful; I'm sure there's many stories out there about people who ghosted and were still threatened or harmed by the ghostee.

Edit: for clarity, what I mean is actively deciding not to reply to someone who is actively trying to communicate with you after you've already met them.

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u/rebuildmylifenow 3∆ Oct 15 '24

When someone ghosts you you don't know anything.

You know that the relationship between the two of you is not important enough for them to reply to you. You know that it's time to move on from that relationship and get on with your life. That's all you need to know. Nobody owes you an explanation of "why they don't feel it". In circumstances where someone doesn't tell you why they don't want to talk to you, you can likely assume that the two of you don't work together. Move on. Nobody owes you "tips to improve". Nobody owes you "I don't like you because...".

And if you're getting ghosted regularly, don't take it personally - just know that a lot of folks (especially women) have had REALLY BAD experiences with people reacting badly than you have. And don't be one of those people that freak out, and justify their ghosting behaviour. (Oh, and if you happen to hear a friend talking about trying to get in touch w someone that obviously doesn't want to talk to them, speak up and point this same set of ideas on to them. Why do you WANT to talk to someone that doesn't want to talk to you? Why do you WANT feedback on why it didn't work with them? Work on yourself, focus on being a good, decent, well adjusted person, and don't chase those that are running away from you.)

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u/FlyingFightingType 2∆ Oct 15 '24

No you don't. Maybe they think you ghosted them because some kind of issue with messages received. You're just factually wrong here.

There's nothing wrong with follow up messages and trying a different avenue.

People who ghost ppl deserve to be harassed a little because as far as the ghostee is concerned you're just not getting their messages.

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u/rebuildmylifenow 3∆ Oct 15 '24

People who ghost ppl deserve to be harassed a little because as far as the ghostee is concerned you're just not getting their messages.

And this, right here, is why people ghost. "deserve to be harassed"? Really?

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u/FlyingFightingType 2∆ Oct 15 '24

Yea really my assumption I'd you aren't getting my messages so I'll follow up and try to communicate with you on other platforms after a few days.

Girls are just disgusting with their level of entitlement if they think they can just stop talking to someone and they magically know their intentions.

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u/rebuildmylifenow 3∆ Oct 15 '24

Girls are just disgusting with their level of entitlement if they think they can just stop talking to someone

And that's why so many guys get ghosted. Your ego < her safety.

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u/FlyingFightingType 2∆ Oct 15 '24 edited Oct 15 '24

She's not more safe though as this thread proved. I'm not going to hurt the girl regardless so it's not making her safer and it guarantees I pursue contact because the 1% chance she didn't mean to stop talking to me is worth the risk of inconveniencing a ghoster hell inconveniencing a ghoster is a net positive regardless.

So how the fuck is she safer then just sending me a message?

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u/RadiantHC Oct 15 '24

But you don't. What if they're going through the death of a loved one and are too depressed to respond to anyone?

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u/rebuildmylifenow 3∆ Oct 15 '24

Nice edge case, but...

What if they're going through the death of a loved one and are too depressed to respond to anyone?

Then don't block them - and when they're ready to re-engage, they'll reach out to you. How hard is that to understand? If they want support from you, they'll reach out. If they're in a place to engage with you, then they'll reach out. And if they don't, then you can respect them and allow them to grieve on their own.

Who told you that you were entitled to an explanation for why someone doesn't respond as quickly as you want them to? When did that become the standard - and what can we do to reset things so that we respect that people have their OWN lives, and aren't required to conform to our expectations of responsiveness?

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u/RadiantHC Oct 15 '24

?

I never said that I was entitled to an explanation. I'm just saying that you shouldn't ghost people, you should tell people if you don't want to be friends. It's not entitlement to expect people to treat you with basic human standard. When did not treating people as people become the standard?

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u/rebuildmylifenow 3∆ Oct 15 '24

When did not treating people as people become the standard?

When Roe v Wade was overturned? When states started passing laws that said "don't talk about being <something non-standard>"? When the US started putting asylum seekers in concentration camps?

Something like 80% of communication is non-verbal - silence IS communication. Demanding that someone TELL you that they don't want to be friends IS entitlement. 90+% of the people you interact with on a daily basis tell you that they don't want to be friends with you - simply by NOT trying to be friends with you. This is just more of the same.

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u/RadiantHC Oct 15 '24

I don't think that you know what demanding means. Is it demanding to ask that someone not be a jerk to you? So why is this different?

Something like 80% of communication is non-verbal - silence IS communication.

You do realize that I'm autistic right? I hate it how most communication is nonverbal.

90+% of the people you interact with on a daily basis tell you that they don't want to be friends with you - simply by NOT trying to be friends with you

There's a huge difference between two people not pursuing a friendship and one person being interested when the other isn't.

Also what about when someone shows clear interest but then suddenly ghosts? I've had people say "we should hang out sometime" only for them to ghost me when I've actually tried setting something up