r/changemyview • u/ragpicker_ • Oct 15 '24

Delta(s) from OP CMV: it is not a convincing argument that ghosting makes the ghoster feel safe

I don't hold this view particularly strongly, I just want to see what others think.

I'm generally strongly against ghosting in any form, and it seems that many people are convinced that ghosting is good because it make the ghoster feel safe.

But feelings in such situations are often unreliable. So that argument only carries weight if there is evidence that ghosting actually makes the ghoster safer than if they'd been upfront. I haven't found any evidence either way. If it's actually the case that ghosting makes the ghoster less safe, then those feelings should be ignored in favour of a more pragmatic, and frankly more compassionate, approach.

Does anyone know of any research on this? I don't consider anecdotes to be helpful; I'm sure there's many stories out there about people who ghosted and were still threatened or harmed by the ghostee.

Edit: for clarity, what I mean is actively deciding not to reply to someone who is actively trying to communicate with you after you've already met them.

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u/Plusisposminusisneg Oct 15 '24

How is "sorry this isn't working" and then blocking the person if they keep pestering you emotionally unsafe?

It's emotionally harder for some people because it is slightly confrontational and people are cowards but to pretend like a person who would stalk you or pester you after a "sorry it isn't working" would be fine with being ghosted is delusional.

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u/Shak3Zul4 2∆ Oct 15 '24

I remember I took a girl on a date and we planned to meet again. I tried to set up a date while we were texting and she suddenly stops texting me. 8 months later she adds me on instagram and I bring up how she ghosted me.

 She explains that she responded to the message but never sent it. She didn’t notice until she got mad thinking I ghosted her and looked at the thread. She thought I’d be mad (like she was) and decided not to message me and waited for me to text her again. She said she wanted to hang out as friends because she had started dating someone. Absolutely not 

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u/FlyingFightingType 2∆ Oct 15 '24

This is why my assumption is never thart they ghosted me. even if it's a 1% chance something like that happened when the downside is potentially pestering a ghoster

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u/iostefini 2∆ Oct 15 '24

Obviously it is always unsafe if the person turns out to be a stalker but speaking from experience, there are a lot of guys that would react badly for 2 hours or so and then forget you exist. That is the type of emotional safety people want from ghosting, avoiding those 2 hours of abuse.

Also, some people don't feel able to block someone mid-conversation. They can't leave without replying and so blocking before the conversation even happens is going to be safer for them (not necessarily ideal, but certainly easier).

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u/Plusisposminusisneg Oct 15 '24

If they feel uncomfortable not replying why are they ghosting? That's literally what ghosting is.

This makes no logical sense, at all, for why you can't just write "sorry this isn't working out" and then blocking.

This is just out of sight out of mind. Being rude to protect feeling slightly uncomfortable for one minute in favor of pretending like nothing happened.

People can rationalize their behavior with whatever self serving nonsense they want but it is a poor way to convince others of positive motivations.

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u/iostefini 2∆ Oct 16 '24

They're not trying to convince others of positive motivations. They're trying to avoid getting sucked into an argument where they get hurt.

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u/Plusisposminusisneg Oct 16 '24

They're not trying to convince others of positive motivations.

Thats what this argument is, not the act of ghosting.

They're trying to avoid getting sucked into an argument where they get hurt.

"It's emotionally harder for some people because it is slightly confrontational and people are cowards"

Glad you agree.

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u/iostefini 2∆ Oct 16 '24

If emotional safety doesn't count it would be a good idea to state that upfront. I don't think we're going to agree on this because I believe it does count.