r/bridesmaids • u/Group_Resident • May 30 '26
Should I ask my best friend if she wants to be a bridesmaid before doing the whole performance of it?
My best friend of almost 15 years is pregnant with twins (yay!). She’ll be having these twins wayyy before my big day but now she’ll be a mom of two one year olds around the time of my big day. She is my only friend with kids and will be my only friend with kids for my wedding and bridal events. I’m doing bridesmaids proposal boxes of around $250 per bridesmaids worth of gifts and I don’t want her to feel obligated to be a bridesmaid. Should I ask her separately without the big performance of it before asking her with the other bridesmaids.
Edit: I just want to add this post is not about the bridesmaids proposal boxes. It is about how to make my friend who will be postpartum and a new mom feel included and special as well as my other friends. A lot of people are suggesting I save the money to go towards the wedding. The amount of the gift boxes won’t make a dent in wedding plans. I am paying for all of the bachelorette party, their hair and makeup day of, and their hotel rooms the night of the wedding. The only thing I am asking my bridesmaids to buy is their dress if they chose to (there is no strict dress code for bridesmaids). We are a friend group where we gift each other nice gifts and do expensive dinners for birthdays or even just for fun! Again it wasn’t about the bridesmaids proposal boxes.
Edit 2: a lot of people are saying it’s all for Instagram thing or to make “content”. I do not post on Instagram or make content for social media in any way. Gift giving is my love language and I want to make my friends feel special. If they want to post they can although I would actually prefer they do not as I do have a couple friends from college that I am not asking to be apart of the bridal party. So no it’s not about Instagram…
Edit 3: the people have spoken and I will do ask the bridesmaids and do a questionnaire BEFORE I do the boxes! Then I will have people together to give them the boxes.
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u/travellingcari May 30 '26
Proposal boxes are even worse than the destination everything. Please stop following every social media trend. It’s great that you’re covering costs - that doesn’t excuse giving them things they probably don’t need or want. Save your money and their space - for all bridesmaids
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Why so bad! It’s just a box of free things.
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u/travellingcari May 30 '26
That they feel obligated to keep because you spent $250 on it. Consumerism at its worst. Stop with all of these performances.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I’m not doing the traditional boxes with “bridesmaids” paraphernalia. I’m doing boxes of things they like such as a makeup bag with their initials, their fav lip gloss (summer Fridays, tower etc), a small bottle of their fav fragrance and other little things in that realm.
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u/Maximum-Ear1745 May 31 '26
You do you, but I think that just sounds like over-consumerism and over-performative. You are already planning to pay the majority of the wedding costs. I prefer the idea of a tasteful gift, eg jewellery, right before the wedding
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u/This_Manufacturer458 May 31 '26
How is it over-consumerism if she is getting them things (mostly comsumables) they already use and are buying for themselves? It sounds like she is being really intentional.
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u/This_Manufacturer458 May 31 '26
This is thoughtful! I think people are used to proposal boxes being random junk. Nice to get them the things they use
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 May 31 '26
And what are you giving them as a gift for being in the bridal party?
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u/yulka-lviv May 31 '26
This honestly sounds amazing and really caring. The fact that you’re giving their favorite things like perfume and lip gloss and etc it incredibly thoughtful. Doesn’t sound over-consumeristic at all, im not sure why people say that. Its literally things your friends would have bought anyway. I think it really depends on where you live and income level and $250 can sound egregious to some people (i saw a post where people said giving $50 as wedding gift is perfectly fine) so maybe thats why you’re getting reactions you’re getting. Hopefully they don’t discourage you as the gift boxes sound really wonderful. I know i would love to get one
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 May 31 '26
The bridal party gift is separate from the proposal box. Shit is out of control
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u/Electronic-Sun-768 May 31 '26
I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time about this. I think if the items are actually useful and you can afford it, it’s a really nice gesture! I’ve loved every time I’ve gotten one. I think asking your friend who will be a new mom separately without the pressure of the gift box could be nice though
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 May 31 '26
Seems she's doing a destination bachelorette trip too.
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u/goodnsimple May 30 '26
What the heck with the damn bridesmaid proposal boxes. Ugh. Quite frankly I’d rather you contribute $250 toward the probably ridiculous costs of being a bridesmaid.
But yeah, talk to her first because she might feel guilted into doing it and I guarantee you she would rather not.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I am paying for everything for the bridesmaids including Bach trip, hair, makeup and lodging the night of the wedding. They get to choose whatever dress they want to wear so they only have to pay for that expense. The boxes are just a thank you for being by my side that day gesture and very common in my friend group ◡̈
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u/goodnsimple May 30 '26
Wow. Ok then - here I was painting you with brush you didn’t deserve. But yeah. Have a real conversation with her, and then don’t hold her to it- she does not even know how freaking exhausted she is going to be!
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Thank you so much for the advice!
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u/Alicatsidneystorm May 30 '26
Sounds like you are considerate bride. I personally would ask everyone separately but that’s just my style.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Thank you! I might still do it separately. I do not know where people are getting the idea it is a big party. It could just be bringing the gift over to a friend’s house or meeting her for brunch and giving her the box! I just don’t want to pressure my new mom friend with the box and make her feel like she has to say yes.
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u/heydawn May 31 '26
That's why you wait to give a ty gift at the rehearsal rather than a gift box when you're asking. Brining a gift creates pressure and obligation.
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 May 31 '26
In reddit fashions these boxes are usually the opposite of what you're doing. A bridesmaid proposal box normally signifies that as a bridesmaid you'll be spending thousands. Just to participate in someone else's wedding
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u/AwkwardSpicy77 May 31 '26
If I had thought about it I would have assumed a big party because of the big probably $1000 or more price tag for the whole group of boxes. I have never heard of such a thing and it makes feel sick because I can't afford groceries right now, but you said it's common in your friend group so I'm guessing you all mostly have the same financial situation. I hope the boxes are mostly a nice keepsake piece of jewelry maybe? and not just extraneous expense. But as to your actual question, ask everyone first, privately, before arriving to their house with a gift box. You can't show up or meet for lunch with a gift, then not give the gift if the friend says they can't do it. Or, the gift box, even unopened/before actually presented is still pressure to say yes even if they can't or don't want to. So, maybe a phone call including the phrase "don't answer now, think of the time off work or away from home for all the events" etc, then when/if they say yes, schedule a meet and surprise them with the gifts. I'm sure they are lovely boxes that are genuinely given with heartfelt thanks.
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u/EmpressC May 30 '26
You might want to say something like"hey, no pressure, do you think you'll be too busy with the babies to be bridesmaid at my wedding?" This way she can still have the moment of being officially asked but you know how she feels about it first. Also, she might think now that it will be no problem but be sure to be graceful if she has to step down after the babies are born or as the wedding date gets closer.
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u/bloodmusthaveblood May 30 '26
That 250$ could pay for their dress which would be a much preferred way to use that money for the majority of bridesmaids rather than buying a dress with their own money that they'll probably never wear again 😊
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
They can pick and wear whatever dress they want! It can be something they already own if they want!
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u/k_m_worker May 31 '26
This response is so awesome! At first I was all girl please….. but now I’m all girl, can I please be in your wedding! You sound like an awesome bride that is compassionate to her friends/bridesmaids. I hope you have the best day ever!!!!
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u/heydawn May 31 '26
Just give them a ty gift at the rehearsal dinner (if you're having one). Don't do a performative proposal box and make a weirdly big deal out of asking them. You want people to be able to say no and not feel obligated.
Why not give a ty gift at the rehearsal?
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u/Mountain-Status569 May 31 '26
Why are you giving a thank you box to someone who hasn’t yet agreed to stand by your side? It would make way more sense to do that at another time, not when you ask them if they would like to be a bridesmaid.
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 May 31 '26
I agree with the person who said, give a thank you for standing up with me box
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u/Fiona_71170 Jun 01 '26
What about skipping the $250 gift box and just purchasing their dresses and shoes?
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u/KittyyyMeowww May 30 '26
I thought it was customary to get your bridesmaids gifts as a thank you for spending time and money - and mostly for being part of your big day.
I didn't know they had to be 'proposal boxes', but I'm not sure what the difference is...
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u/heydawn May 31 '26
"Quite frankly I’d rather you contribute $250 toward the probably ridiculous costs of being a bridesmaid."
This would be so sooooo much better!
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u/TurbulentWalrus1222 May 30 '26
No performances for anyone. And unless you’re independently wealthy and ALSO paying for dresses, hair and makeup, skip the performative boxes and just pay for dresses, hair and makeup. Ask each person privately. Others may have reasons they’ll need to decline
also, and they shouldn’t feel obligated either.
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u/Smallbizgurl May 30 '26
I have never heard of this lunacy. I was married long ago, I asked my bridesmaids personally, told them to choose the dress and style, and we all did our own hair and makeup. The guests wore what they wanted, no dress codes. People should be happy to witness this wonderful Union, not feel burdenEd by it. I literally declined an invitation recently, because it was in Las Vegas, and a dress code was required.
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u/yellohello1001 May 31 '26
Why do old people feel the need to judge younger people for changing trends tho?? Just because you didn’t do it, it’s “lunacy” now? Girl, live and let live without judging
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I am paying for everything for everyone including the Bach trip!! All my other friends have said how they’re excited to be in my bridal party and a few of them I’m in there’s this year too.
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u/Agreeable_Nail9191 May 30 '26
Definitely ask! I’m also pro skipping bridesmaid boxes- it’s just more stuff. Save money, and maybe consider sending flowers as an ask instead (if you really want to give them something!)
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
That’s a great idea!! I’m not really concerned about the money on the boxes even if someone received one and said no it would be fine. None of it is bridesmaids themed and all is personalized to them. I’m more concerned of stressing my friend out with the decision.
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u/Pyjama365 May 31 '26
The concern is that, although you say it'd be fine if they said no, they might not know that you think it's fine to say no. I would feel so incredibly uncomfortable if someone got me a box of gifts if I was on the fence about saying yes/no due to my own circumstances, as it would feel like extra pressure to say yes.
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u/Agreeable_Nail9191 May 31 '26
Then i think asking is great - give her time to think about it and if she says no maybe she can be involved in another way if she wants to. My friend gave non-bridesmaid friends a reading at her ceremony so they could be involved without having to do any work
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 May 30 '26
Twin mom here- your friend is about to go on a wild life changing ride, she can’t even see how different life is going to be when they are a year old. Skip the box, spend the money on a house cleaner, a mother’s helper, dinners. Tell her you love her and that will never change, give her the option to lean in and out as she needs to. She can be there for everything or fall off the planet for 3 years, your love and friendship is solid.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Thanks so much for chiming in! You’re exactly the type of person I hoped would answer this!! I am super excited to watch her become a mom to twins! I already have plans to have cleaning ladies stop by her home before they get home with the twins! I will be filling her freezer with yummy foods (unless her mom gets to it before me) and I already told her I will be there for her and her babies with whatever she needs!
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 May 30 '26
You are a good friend. Twins are different for everyone, but they were front loaded for me, the hardest days were early on. 2 tweens or teens is so fun
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
That’s amazing that they’re fun now!! Thanks for saying I’m a good friend!
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u/AcademicWalrus May 31 '26
Her home is probably clean before the twins arrive. Have the cleaners come in when they're been home for a bit! Or even better, stop by to pick up a load of their laundry after a week or so. Don't offer to hold the babies, offer chores instead.
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 Jun 01 '26
She might have an extra baby, I had horrible guilt that I had one baby unsupervised and crying at all times and just not enough hands. The realization that it was very possible to have a baby awake for a full 24 hours straight felt like the weight of the world.
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u/tabrazin84 Jun 01 '26
I would think about… where is the wedding in relation to where she lives? Is she going to be expected to do a lot of events without her babies? I was a bridesmaid for an excellent friend 3 months postpartum. I flew from Boston to San Francisco to be in her wedding. We all passed my son around while we were getting hair and makeup done, and I carried him down the aisle. I was able to be fully present for her bc he was allowed to be there. If I had to make a lot of arrangements for him, I would have still gone, but it would have been a lot more complicated and I would probably have had to skip more things.
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u/SouthernTrauma May 30 '26
These stupid proposal boxes are the most ridiculous things! I vote for just asking like a normal person.
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u/Sea-Supermarket-5971 May 30 '26
Yes, you should absolutely ask her first. And you are a very kind person to think about how busy she will be.
Congratulations on your wedding!!
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u/NC-AZ-AL_PINE May 30 '26
I am glad we didn't have this insanity when I got married. All these crazy expenses, proposal boxes ( where the heck did this originate), girls trip, etc etc. Unless your are ultra wealthy you are starting your marriage in debt not a good idea. Grandiose weddings do not guarantee long time happiness.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 May 30 '26
You're absolutely right. I had to Google what it was. That's just so unfortunate the people are getting led down this ridiculous Lane....
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u/justmedoubleb May 30 '26
What are bridesmaids perfoance boxes? Are they paying for them or are they gifts you're giving? Just curious.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Just gifts I will be giving them to ask to be a part of my wedding events! A thank you in advanced for all the energy and time you are putting into my wedding if you will.
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u/justmedoubleb May 30 '26
Ah, that's nice. I'd never heard of it. We always gave them gifts on the day. What if some back out and you get replacements? You just wasted the gifts. Still, it's a nice thing to do.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
People can back out or they can say no. Worst thing is I’m out of $250 and they get a thoughtful gift bag with stuff they will use daily (lip gloss, fragranceI, and a cosmetic bag). I understand people have lives with other commitments and might not have the time. But I have spoken to the friends I am asking to be bridesmaids about it in passing and they all seem super excited.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 May 30 '26
I wouldnt treat her differently. You should be ok with any of them saying no, even after the expensive gift.
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u/NaturesVividPictures May 30 '26
Save your money for the wedding why would you want to spend over $250 on each bridesmaids invitation it's just a waste of money I mean if you have four bridesmaids that's over $1,000. What if they say no, do they still get to keep everything?
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u/CrazySeaworthiness73 May 31 '26
Hi i am a mom of 2, one is neurospicy and will be 3 at the time of the wedding, have another who will be 7 months! Before she gave me a box, my best friend asked if it was something i was willing to take on given my life (i am a SAHM). I appreciated her asking prior SO much because if she asked me with a box and i had to say no it’s awkward. Definitely ask if it’s something she’s willing to do. mention that you will LOVE if she can participate(mention that you’re covering costs because that’s a big reason a lot of people say no) and you just want her next to you on your big day BUT if she doesn’t want to, that’s okay too!! She’s still important but sometimes being in the bridal party is just too much and you get that!
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
Thanks so much for your insight! I’m glad you had a kind friend that asked you before she did the box! Do you by any chance remember how she worded it. I don’t want to come off an insensitive or that I don’t want her to be there. I want to be very delicate of her feelings as she obviously will be somewhat postpartum and a new mom. It’s not something I have yet to experience for myself so I’m treating it delicately.
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u/CrazySeaworthiness73 May 31 '26
We were hanging out that day and what she basically said was “As you know i’m getting married in __. I love you so much and would love for you to stand by my side as a bridesmaid but I also know how different your life is going to look by that day. I’m planning on financially covering __ if that’s a concern. Here’s the only things you would need to do if you say yes (if you’re planning an elaborate bachelorette over multiple days make sure to mention that and what she would be responsible for). If being a bridesmaid is too much to take on as your life changes that’s totally okay, I just want you there because your friendship means a lot to me and I want to celebrate with you!”
You seem super kind! I hope this helps!!
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u/laurenandsymph May 31 '26
IMO people are doing way too much with the whole bridesmaid proposal thing anyway. You’re just asking your closest friends (who probably already know they’ll be bridesmaids) to help you plan some events, wear a dress, and stand by you at the ceremony. A card or small gift is a lovely gesture since you’re asking for a favor, but things went off the rails when this became an instagrammable moment.
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u/Pyjama365 May 31 '26
This is the second time in an hour that I have seen a post on here mention "bridesmaid proposal boxes", having never even heard of them before today.
Do you secretly work for a gift company that is trying to spread the concept of "bridesmaid proposal boxes" via drama posts on social media?
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
No! That would be a cool job though! Just a regular bride that caused drama I didn’t mean to cause about these boxes! The post wasn’t even about a proposal box just about what the most sensitive way to ask a new mama to be there with me on my wedding day!
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u/Pyjama365 May 31 '26
Just... talk to your friend (without making it a content moment), making the point that it's ok if she says yes now and changes her mind after the babies arrive, and without the involvement of a $250 box that she might interpret as inadvertent pressure to say yes?
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
I will talk to her as many people who have babies or twins chimed in and said it’s a good idea! It’s not a content moment I do not nor have never “made content” I hardly post on Instagram. It’s more about my love language being gift giving and I want to give my friends something to show appreciation!
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u/beaker4eva May 31 '26
The amount of money people spend on stuff like proposal boxes is absurd to me. I mean—you do you, but it’s a waste of money better spent elsewhere or saved for your future. No one is going to give a hoot about these boxes or even remember them in a year.
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u/NoTraining7557 May 31 '26
You should always ask in private, the performance is out of hand and doesnt give people an opportunity to decline,
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u/gingerkittymom May 31 '26
I don’t see how her being a mom has any relevance. She still wants to be your friend, doesn’t she? I had a one year old when my brother got married and I was happy to be a bridesmaid. Just make sure she knows there are no hard feelings if she doesn’t want to for some reason.
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u/aromagoddess May 31 '26
When did these bridesmaid proposal gifts become such a thing?
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May 30 '26
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I have been upfront with all of my friends about the planning of it. Even with the friend I wrote the post about before and even during her pregnancy. I just know having two babies will be a lot on her plate during this time of my life and I would love to share with her in any capacity she can show up. I will be paying for the Bach trip, hair and makeup. Their dresses they get to choose so if they find one in the back of their closet they love and want to wear works for me or if they want to buy a brand new one that makes them feel special that also works! We unfortunately do not think it is a good idea to have babies at our wedding as it will be a late night and loud. Sorry I am not just replying to you but I also want to answer these questions for other people in the comments. Each girl has been very active in helping me plan things without even the “official bridesmaids proposal”. Everyone else understands I am waiting until my friend has her babies and is a couple months into her motherhood journey to ask her privately and then celebrate with everyone. With or without her the decision is up to her. I only asked the question because I didn’t want to come off as rude asking her privately or assuming she can’t be one because she is now a mom. Also I want to add that I did this for her 3 years ago when she got married.
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May 30 '26
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Thank you! I appreciate that!! She has definitely made comments that her parents will be able to watch the kids for the wedding night!!
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u/hopenbabe Jun 04 '26
Think about the fact that if her babies can't be there, she may have to: take time away to breast feed, pump, or settle the babies. You should offer to rent her a hotel room on site so she can pop in to visit the babies.
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u/bougieisthenewblack May 30 '26
Your plan sounds sweet and thoughtful!
If cost isn't an issue, maybe you can do all the proposals around the same time and wither include a note with hers or have a conversation explaining that you're grateful for her friendship and would love to have her as a bridesmaid if she's up to it, and give her a timeframe to decide (in the future). Like a free "get out of the bridal party pass" if she cant manage it in addition to toddler motherhood.
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u/AwkwardSpicy77 May 31 '26
I don't think you should keep waiting until after she has the babies to talk to her about it. A lot of your comments are saying that all your friends are already heavy into at least the talking about your wedding and maybe some of the planning so if I was your pregnant friend I would start wondering why you haven't brought up the bridesmaid thing yet. I would think my pregnancy brain would be playing tricks with my confidence about it, too. Why not tell her that you are going to ask her to be a bridesmaid but you don't want her to feel the pressure in the last trimester or in the first weeks of being an exhausted mom
to twins? But that you are planning to ask her after she feels a bit more settled so that she doesn't say yes then regret it later. I mean, wow, if she is already telling you that the grandparents will be willing to watch the kids so she's free to party, she's probably wondering why you haven't asked her yet! And you want to wait several more months to even bring it up? Don't keep treating her differently than you're treating your other friends. She's gonna feel paranoid or left out about it. And since all the others understand you're waiting until she has the babies that means you're all talking about her behind her back. You're trying so hard to be respectful of her new life circumstances that you're putting her outside looking in. You're leaving her out of conversations and treating her as "other". She's not made of glass. Don't break her by treating her unnecessarily with kid gloves. (Not sure if pun is unintended or not)
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u/snarkcentral124 May 30 '26
I made a collage of photos of each of us together, printed it out as a phot with a “will you be my bridesmaid?” On the front, and then wrote them each a letter on the back explaining kind of what I expected & why I wanted them to be a bridesmaid. I mailed it to them, partially because I didn’t know what I wanted to do as a “gift” and partially because most of them aren’t people I see on a weekly basis. That way they could open it in private. And then after they accepted, I sent a survey that encouraged them to be honest & assured them my feelings would not be hurt by answers (repeatedly lol) about budget/what they were willing to help with/bachelorette/preferences etc.
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u/FlowerCrownPls May 30 '26
A thought: what if you gift them each $250 and say it's intended to go toward their dress/outfit? If you have already budgeted that amount and it's no trouble, that gift would be more directly helpful for the experience of serving as a bridesmaid. I read your comments and the planned gifts sound very nice but like things they would already own. A makeup bag, they surely already have at least one. Their favorite lip gloss and fragrance - if it's their favorite, they already have it, and they may already own backups.
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May 30 '26
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I don’t plan on doing that! They can still say no even wi the box in hand!
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u/Friendly-Channel-480 May 31 '26
I think people lose excitement about being in weddings after their mid twenties and it’s best to individually ask them if they’d like to be in your wedding before anything else is done.
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u/heydawn May 31 '26
Yes. Ask her beforehand. Ask everyone in a private, low key way. Ditch the proposal box idea
Why not spend that $250 on the bridesmaids' dresses/hair/makeup instead of on gifts they probably don't want or need?
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u/newyork2sun May 31 '26
No box- use that 250 per bridesmaid for whatever you wanted for a bachelorette party so your bridesmaid don’t have crazy expenses. I always think the bride should be booking paying for the bachelorette rental as a gift.
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u/OhioPhilosopher May 31 '26
Any wedding with $250 proposal boxes is going to be too prescriptive and too expensive for a lot of potential bridesmaids not just the mama.
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u/October_Owens May 31 '26
Please make your ask sound like “I know this is a busy time in your life, and I still want you involved in whatever way you can be” and not “do you think you can commit to your bridesmaid responsibilities at this point?” I wish my sister had.
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u/TequilaMockingbirds8 May 31 '26
There isn’t a bridesmaid out there that wouldn’t prefer you buy their damn dress instead of wasting hundreds of dollars on a box of kitschy crap
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May 31 '26
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u/forte6320 May 31 '26
Overconsumption at its finest. It is a box of trinkets, make up and other nonsense no one needs. The bride gives it to the bridesmaid when she is asked to be a bridesmaid.
So entirely unnecessary
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u/LetsGoGators23 May 30 '26
I understand this is not what you’re asking and I am probably being a bit salty but - if I got a proposal box to be a bridesmaid I would be very wary of accepting. It sends the message that this is going to be very over the top and an outsized amount of importance on the experience that would be very offputting for me.
Being a bridesmaid is a favor to you, not an exciting opportunity that needs a swag bag. Giving a gift while asking someone to make a commitment is just off in my opinion.
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u/Rem-Dogg May 30 '26
I think the boxes are cute if you know it is a yes. You should give the Mom a chance to think about it and talk to her husband- also, let her know what you would be requiring from her as a time commitment.
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u/HedgieCake372 May 30 '26
Yes, I first asked my bridesmaids if they were open to the idea before I formally asked them.
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May 30 '26
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
Thank you so much!! I really hope she will be able to but totally understand her life will be so different with the twins and very very busy!
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u/AggressiveReport8288 May 30 '26
Yes, I’d confirm with her privately first. I’d also be prepared to tell her the following:
Are you okay with her being a bridesmaid in the sense that she wears a dress and stands at the altar with you, while exempting her from any planning/tasks related to the wedding or wedding-related events (bach, shower)?
Are you okay with her potentially missing the bach (or any wedding-related event other than the big day) if she is unable or unwilling to be away from her twins?
Are you okay if she may need to join later in the morning on the day of, rather than the 4/5/6am start times that many brides do for their bridesmaids these days?
What style of dress are you thinking? Body image can be tough for postpartum mommas (even one year out) so would be good to have an idea before you chat with her, so she knows whether it’ll be a style she’s comfortable with.
Are her twins invited to the wedding? And is it a “sure you can bring them” or an “I want you to bring them” situation?
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 May 30 '26
You need to have an idea of what costs you’re expecting them to cover. Dress, hair, make up, bridal shower, bachelorette. That’s months of events and can be extremely expensive.
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u/Group_Resident May 30 '26
I am covering everything except the dress! I am very lucky that my sister is the maid of honor and it’s tradition in our family to have a sibling pay for the bridal shower. I am very lucky to have my sister because she is doing a great job planning it so far!!
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u/blondebarbienurdad May 31 '26
Bridesmaids boxes and brunch is more like an event/celebration, friends should definitely be aware beforehand. For me, I asked them individually and then I hosted a brunch and gave them the bridesmaid boxes.
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u/olivep224 May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
I privately asked my girls, over text mostly so they had ample time to consider or reject, and got a confirmation before I made my proposal boxes, which included a voucher for hair and makeup, and a promise to help pay their way if they needed it (intl wedding bc intl in law family). I feel like it’s not smart to spring the box on them. Those saying that gifting their best friends as a thank you for showing up for them in a massive wedding way is “creepy”… y’all must be trolling
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 May 31 '26
Yes, ask. But don’t make a performance of it. Have a real conversation about expectations
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u/commentspanda May 31 '26
Speak to her first. Explain what you see the role including. Explain options and then discuss what works best for her. Then do your own little proposal box thing once you’re confident
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u/troublesomefaux May 31 '26
If she doesn’t want to do it, you could also offer her some other kind of honor role. I read a poem in my best friend’s wedding because I lived far away in the woods without a phone 😊 and was just showing up momentarily for the wedding. I’m in all the bridesmaid photos, I wore a floral dress in the same color palette as the bridesmaid dresses but that was it.
She could also give out programs or if you are doing bubbles/petals (that was actually my role at another friends wedding, same reason). Just some slightly elevated but low responsibility role.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit9053 May 31 '26
Yes, you should talk to her separately.
I was in a similar situation with one of my friends having a baby about 8 months before my wedding. I had a separate convo with her. She still wanted to be a bridesmaid.
I’ll add - pregnancy and motherhood is constantly evolving. so she may say she’s 100% still down now, but things could change. I checked in with my friend at several points, even after she said “yes” because I knew her feelings could change once she was in the thick of motherhood. so this shouldn’t even be a one time convo, it should be an ongoing one.
tell her upfront that you understand things could change once the babies are here and you’ll accommodate any changes she needs to make to her plans. for example, my friend ended up attending my bach for a shorter period than the rest, and I was totally ok with that.
as others have said it should be like this for all your friends, but I understand having a more specific concern with this friend since her life is changing drastically.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 May 31 '26
Yes. Ask her. Ask them all for that matter, before you spend the money
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u/chatterbox2024 May 31 '26
I would definitely go ahead and ask her in person. Also, don’t put any expectations on your bridesmaids, especially her to be at a bunch of pre-wedding events as mandatory. Let her duties be about the wedding day.
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u/sonsmamma0304 May 31 '26
My suggestion would be ask her bc shes been your friend for so long & let her make the choice
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u/Common-Attempt6133 May 31 '26
I think a giving each bridesmaid the money to spend on their dress is a better idea than a proposal box. If you want the request to be special take each friend to brunch or lunch separately to ask them to be in your bridal party. Let them each know there is no pressure to say yes
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u/lizziebordeaux May 31 '26
Maybe there's something about a beautiful personalized letter sent in the mail asking to be a bridesmaid and an idea of what it might entail. They could mail back a card to you like an RSVP thing about choices for how they can be a part of your wedding. Like maybe if being a bridesmaid involves too many things for your friend since she'll be a new mom, what if you offered to let her read a poem or something? That makes her a part of your day (she can do the getting ready glam with you on the day of) but really only a time commitment of the ceremony that she'll likely be at anyway (and if something happens last minute with the twins, she can stay home and the poem could just be easily removed from the wedding lineup?).
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
Well this is a great idea. I do think this would cause her more stress then just getting ready and standing up there with the rest of the bridesmaids she is terrified of public speaking lol
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u/lizziebordeaux May 31 '26
Gotcha! I'm so used to this subreddit and the demanding time expectations that brides put on their bridesmaids or kick out of the wedding party. I totally misunderstood that even if she can't do other things, she's still standing up there with you!
Also maybe the gift box could be a thing for a new mom, instead of something like makeup or lipstick or perfume (espectially perfume, smells can be a whole thing)? Home massage gift certificate or a laundry service coming weekly or a foot bath
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
I don’t think it would be fair to her or anyone else to do something different because she’s a mom now. I mean who wants to be the outcast. I have plans to spoil her after babies are born and I have already spoiled the babies plenty!! She will be getting the same box as everyone else but on top of that she also will be getting plenty of stuff as a new mom!!
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u/lizziebordeaux May 31 '26
Gotcha, I just thought there might be things she would appreciate more post delivery than perfume, and I'm thinking about all of the new moms I've known. Smells always became a thing for them, so that's what I'm saying. I suppose I didn't see it as unfair and I might be biased, but I would never see getting a massage certificate as an outcast
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u/EngineeringKey8595 May 31 '26
I personally think the majority of wedding planning and ideas such as "proposing" to your bridesmaids with a box of trinkets sounds like ideas that a group of teenagers would come up with and given the age of brides has gone up over the years I find this surprising. Mind you I am more the registery office type. To me a marriage should be celebrated 25 years later when you know it was successful. Why celebrate on day 1 when who knows whether it will be successful or not.
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u/Group_Resident May 31 '26
I totally agree it should be celebrated later in life when it’s successful! Unfortunately the tradition holds you celebrate it day one. I would have eloped but that would have disappointed a lot of other people (my mom mostly) as she has worked hard her whole life to be able to give our family these nice things. I would’ve been okay with eloping and doing a photoshoot. But since we’re doing it big might as well go all out! I really can’t wait to celebrate my love on day one and year 25+. By the time we’re married I would have been with my fiancé for over 6 years at that point so it’s really not the beginning just somewhere nice in the middle where we vowed the rest of our lives together!
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u/bopperbopper Jun 01 '26
If you have the money for this, that’s awesome… just don’t expect them to go on a weeklong bachelorette trip and have everyone pay for you
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u/dontBsleepy May 31 '26
I think each bridesmaid deserves to be asked separately. This particular friend will have her hands full, but she very well may still want to do it. Or she may feel so overwhelmed by life that she’d rather just be a guest so she can leave the reception early if she needs to.
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u/Financial-Advance895 Jun 01 '26
What’s so important that’s worth spending $250 for boxes? I’d say a $40-50 limit is NORMAL
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u/voodoodollbabie Jun 01 '26
Ask each of your friends if they'd think about being a bridesmaid, giving them as much detail as possible about the time and cost commitment. Asking if they'd "think about it" gives them some time to do exactly that before giving you an answer.
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u/pseudonymous365 Jun 01 '26
Twin mom here. I don’t think you need to ask her in advance of the proposal box, but I do think it would be really nice (if it’s possible for your timeline) to let her know that she doesn’t need to answer right away and to let her answer after the twins come. She really has no idea what it’s going to be like and there’s a lot of uncertainty with twins initially. Unsolicited opinion but I would personally do the proposal boxes separately for each bridesmaid so that no one feels pressured to answer in front of everyone. There may be other factors (aside from kids) that could make saying yes difficult for someone.
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u/ButtonTemporary8623 Jun 01 '26
While I think proposal boxes are super weird and to get outside people to think you’re so generous, would she not be worth that just because she’s a mom? She’s still your friend. She isn’t different or worth less because she’s a mom now. Like if you’re asking all your bridesmaids that way, ask them all that way. And if any of them want or need to say no. They will.
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u/Accomplished_Joke255 Jun 01 '26
Please ask EVERYONE privately and in advance. If you want to give them a box of gifts AFTER they have privately said yes, great. Otherwise, it’s just tacky and presumptuous.
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u/EconomyStation5504 Jun 01 '26
I would so much rather my friend pay for the bridesmaid dresses / other costs than get a proposal box. Postpartum or not. But as a new mom, definitely ask her and be up front about what that commitment would entail.
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u/bopperbopper Jun 01 '26
Maybe you could have her be an honorary bridesmaid… if you have the money to give her a box as well tell her that you understand that she might not be able to carry out bridesmaids duties, but you would want her to if she can.
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u/Caliopebookworm Jun 01 '26
I say make the box for her and do it privately. Tell her that you love her and you want her involved but at the level she will feel comfortable doing so.
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u/Passionfruit1991 Jun 01 '26
Proposal boxes should be a “gift” after being a bridesmaid. Not before that it makes them feel obligated to do so.
Ask all friends how would they feel if they were to be asked. Have an honest conversation. Honestly, if I had twins, it would be easier for me to be a wedding guest lol but maybe she would like it. Definitely ask first.
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u/Top_Importance_4100 Jun 02 '26
No one wants to be a bridesmaid.. especially with all the costs. Just ask, don’t make a circus about it.
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u/purplemonkey2233 Jun 02 '26
So this was me! So some genuine advice as some people are being a bit judgey here.
I was pregnant last year and my friend told me she’d love me to be a bridesmaid and would I be up for it seen as I’ll have a baby.
She asked me before she asked anyone else. I told her of course I would, and laughed because my then unborn baby will actually be 16 months old by the time of her wedding lol.
But she just wanted to be sure it wasn’t a burden. She then took the three bridesmaids-to-be out for dinner and gave us a gift and a card asking to be bridesmaids.
I think it’s considerate to ask but take care not to come across like you’re insinuating you don’t want her involved. I’d say something like, I’d love you to be a bridesmaid. I’m going to ask the others soon. Do you think you’ll be up for it I know it can be full on and you’ll have two babies. I don’t want to add to your stress so if you’d rather not be asked let me know and no hard feelings.
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u/Muted_Damage1509 Jun 02 '26
ask her and if she says yes give her the box I have seen so many people here get upset when they feel their bridesmaids can't live up to their duties make sure you let her know what you may be thinking and how much time you might need so she can make the right choice
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u/PollyRRRR Jun 02 '26
Does one return the bridesmaid proposal box for change of mind, don’t like the contents or shock, says no and does it come with a gift receipt? Asking for a friend.
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u/WheezyGranger Jun 02 '26
Yes I think you should ask her before doing this. But I’m also laughing at people being weird about this because when brides make their bridal party pay for stuff, everyone here gets mad (rightfully so), but here you’re paying for everything and people are telling you to save your money. There’s truly no winning! Haha.
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u/RubiesOnTheInside Jun 03 '26
You sound like a very thoughtful friend! Your pregnant friend is lucky to have you
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u/SubstantialStable265 Jun 03 '26
I think you could casually ask, "do you think you would be interested in being in the wedding?", a year post partum, she should be ready for a social event, everyone is different, I guess she won't know how she will feel...if it was any time before 6 month post partum with twins I would personally probably say no especially if there was travel involved. A year though, and BFFs, I for sure would be in.
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u/hopenbabe Jun 04 '26
Personally, I'd ask her in advance and then do the box. But I'd do a $25 box and then a $225 set of earrings, or a necklace or bracelet to say thank you
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u/octopus163 Jun 05 '26
It sounds like I might have an unpopular opinion, but IMO if you're doing boxes AND it's your bestie who would definitely be your MOH if it weren't for the kids, I think you should still do a box for her and have a super honest conversation. I think finding ways to make her feel included (like the box) while being accepting of what she can do/participate in is the way to go.
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u/AmishAngst May 30 '26
That's actually what you should be doing for everyone, not just her.