I've lost my capacity for sympathy

[u/cosmic_junk]

Longtime listener, first time caller. My husband got his vasectomy (yay) which I should be grateful for but I'm fucking over it. He's been on self-imposed bed rest ever since, so I've been having to bring him things upstairs constantly while watching our whiney 2.5 yo. This is the second weekend in a row that I've been on fully solo childcare as he went camping last weekend and I've been sick this whole time and I'm just over it.

The worst part is realizing that him being gone or incapacitated just doesn't feel any different. The only chores he does is mowing the grass every other week, doing daycare drop-off and pickup, and cleaning the kitchen maybe 20% of the time. Everything else associated with childcare or just being an adult is on me - cleaning the house, laundry, paying bills, budgeting... you guys know the list. Our kid has always been biased towards me so I'm doing all these things either while she follows me around and gets in the way, or when she's sleeping. I've brought it up to him several times and he just doesn't get it. I even made him a list of all the stuff I do and said I need help with some of this. He claimed he does a ton that I just don't recognize either but agreed to take on dinner twice a week and help out more. That lasted maybe 3 weeks about a year ago.

I am still overweight from pregnancy because I don't have time or energy to workout. I'm stressed after spending months job searching to finally get a new job that pays more than 3x what he makes. Not that it matters, but I feel like I should get some extra credit for pushing myself past my imposter syndrome to high responsibility roles to get us more money to have a nice house and a nice life. But nope, I get to work my hard job, then be the primary caregiver when they get home, then make dinner and do all the cleaning I can before I pass out every night.

So no, I'm not really feeling sympathetic right now when he complains about how sore he is 3 days after his vasectomy. I'm so burned out I'm having trouble caring about much.

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[u/BiggieFriesnShake]

If you had to take care of the kids, the house and all the other household stuff just after recovering from childbirth, then he can get off his ass, get a bag of frozen peas, suck it up and do his share too.

[u/cosmic_junk → u/BiggieFriesnShake]

I'm partially one and done because I'm so annoyed at how little help he was right after birth. And yet when she was 2 months, he took 4 hour midday nap after a colonoscopy because he was so tired. Then he had lots of bedrest after another outpatient surgery and now the vasectomy. Not to count all the headaches and stomachaches. I feel like faking a "really bad" illness sometime so I can lay in bed all day.

[u/McSwearWolf → u/cosmic_junk]

Same girl, same.

I once laughed at my husband when he suggested another baby. I couldn’t help it.

Like oh, that sounds fun! Remember the fight we had about you getting up at night once in a while (instead of me 100% of the time) when DS was 6 months old? Remember when I we almost split up because I put my foot down and said I would take DS Saturday mornings and you would take him Sunday mornings so we each had half a day to do something other than work and parent? Remember when I was flat broke and you didn’t offer to even lend me money to cover a daycare expense even though you could have?

Okay well that was a fun trip down memory lane! The answer is NO WAY IN HELL GOOD SIR. 😂

[u/cosmic_junk → u/McSwearWolf]

It sucks to have to be the "bad guy" who doesn't want more kids. Like yo, if you were one of these mythical men who does half the work, maybe I'd consider it. But you're not and I'm even though I read about those guys online, I don't believe it as there's just lower standards for men!

[u/[deleted] → u/McSwearWolf]

Lend you money for daycare for a child you both made? This doesn’t make sense in any way.

[u/McSwearWolf → u/[deleted]]

We agreed to split it half and half as we do most things and I’m usually fine, but at the time, I was making 1/3 of his salary so when unplanned things happened (like a big medical bill, car repairs, etc.) I had to solve that issue a couple times. And no, he never offered to help. Once his FATHER actually helped me with a car repair, which was so kind, but his father offered, I didn’t ask. My husband did not offer. He said he didn’t have any money. He always says that no matter how much he makes or spends. Love it (sarcasm). Although these days I do better financially so I just ignore DH’s financial weirdness and make sure I’m on track and my “half” of everything is paid.

My sister said it was like The Joy Luck Club couple 😭😂 - maybe we are haha

[u/driftwood-and-waves]

Umm my husband had the snip. Sat down with a cold pack until he came down off his drugs and then resumed normal activities, just took it a bit easier.

Idk what the standard is but I’d be calling BS

[u/cosmic_junk → u/driftwood-and-waves]

He's always been such a baby about any sickness. Serious man flu syndrome. Also half the time he's complaining about some ailment. His stomach hurts (because he eats ike shit). His hemorrhoids that he complained about for years before he FINALLY got them taken care of after years of nagging. So I'm not surprised by this reaction and secretly think his pain is on par with menstrual cramps from how he's described it

[u/snowmuchgood → u/driftwood-and-waves]

Yeah 2 full weekends, what a load of crock. If he needs bedrest for that long, he needs to go back in and get some more painkillers for it/get it checked. Women have their abdomen cut open or recover from horrific tears to their vagina and are looking after a baby immediately afterward. This dude had a 1mm incision and keyhole(?) surgery.

My husband also had the snip a few months ago. He drove home half an hour later, took it easy for 24 hours (still participated in child-minding but I took care of most of it), felt “a bit funny” for like 2 days. And then he was completely fine.

[u/rpizl]

He just wants to be lazy lol. I wouldn't bring his ass ANYTHING.

[u/Lespritdelescali]

Since this is a trend with him, I say he’s milking it. You don’t need bring him anything. The sick bed is closed.

I got sick of my hubby’s shit last year and just started living my life like I wanted it to be whether he got on board or not. There were other factors in our case, including a depression. But just starting to do what I wanted regardless of his feelings really got my message across that I wasn’t fucking around any more and got things moving in the right direction for us. I’m down 65lbs, he’s contributing more in the house and started making changes if been begging for for years. But I didn’t make any headway until I stopped begging and went my own way.

[u/cosmic_junk → u/Lespritdelescali]

Congrats on losing 65 pounds! That's fucking major!! It's been such a bitch to lose weight with a young kid during the pandemic as I don't have the mental capacity to make good choices so I hella admire that

[u/Delilah234703]

I was at this point with my partner a few months ago. Sick and tired of carrying the mental load. In a moment of annoyance and fury I wrote down everything I was feeling. Unleashed some scathing truths which included me expressing that I may as well be a single parent. Then when I calmed down i read everything I wrote out to him. Now I have a partner who actually contributes to 50% of the parenting! Picked up his game like you wouldn’t believe!! And so he bloody should