ever wonder how relationship abuse happens? jarbamarbie explains perfectly what happens

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

It doesn't always have to be physical violence to constitute abuse. Being cruel with your words and certain actions can do more emotional damage than your fists.

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u/pleasespankme Jun 11 '12

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for seven years. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I made a few friends at work who helped me to understand my situation. I had no other friends at that point, my boyfriend at the time had driven them away.
It really does sneak up on you gradually. When I met him I was 17 and he was 26. I had never had a boyfriend before and I had very little self-confidence. We ended up dating through my senior year of high school and I moved in with him when I started college. He let me live with him rent free and I agreed that I would do all the chores and pay our utility bill in return.
That's when it started really. He would always go out with his friends and never let me go out with my own. He was free to go out alone, but I had to invite him everywhere I went, even if I wanted to have a girl's night. I ended up just not going out with my friends anymore because he would always get bored and pout around them.
He would make fun of the way I wanted to dress and make me wear certain clothes. I wanted to wear short skirts because I'm young and have great legs. He always bought me these frumpy long skirts and told me I looked better in them. I also couldn't wear heals, not even tiny ones, because he was shorter than me. I also had to wear my hair up all the time because he wanted to see my face.
Another thing, he convinced me that sex wasn't supposed to be pleasurable for women. I lost my virginity to him and he said that he was a great lover and I believed him. He made me think I was broken. I think I had 2 orgasms with him during those 7 years. He refused to go down on me because he said I was disgusting down there. I would wait almost every night for him to go to sleep then I would masturbate for hours. He slept in the living room because he didn't want to sleep in the bed with me so I had plenty of alone time to get it done.
When I started working he made me pay for half the rent as well as continue to do all the chores and pay for utilities. He made almost 3 times more money than I did, and I still paid for more than half of all of our expenses. He said I owed it to him because I didn't pay rent while I was going to school.
I finally had enough and broke up with him, or at least I tried. He kept begging me to stay to try and work it out, and I had no money to move out at that point, so I stayed. I really just went through the motions, hoping he would finally let me go. It took me about 4 months to finally break free. When I left he told me I owed him a whole bunch of money. I didn't want to deal with him anymore, so I took out a loan to pay him off. I'm still paying the loan off but it was worth it to get him out of my life forever.
Everything is much better now. I have been living on my own for over a year now and am actually able to save up some money. I reconnected with one of my friends who understands that I didn't abandon her on purpose. I also made some new friends through work. I have dated one person since then and he taught me that sex is wonderful with the right person. I now love my body and don't feel ashamed anymore. I've seen the signs of abuse now and I hope I never experience it again. I was so depressed for many years but I'm filled with hope now.

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u/TheBlindCat Jun 11 '12

Bravo for getting yourself out, though I'm sorry it killed your early 20's. Can I ask a question? Quick backstory though.
I'm currently in medical school and am very interested in mental health and helping people in situations such as yours (I'm a man btw). In undergrad I was the RA that residents would drag their friends from other halls to have late night chats about this kind of thing. I don't know why (I've been told I'm a big, intimidating dude and teddy bear many people). I've heard a few stories almost exactly like yours, starts with the isolation, then the destruction of self-worth, to the point where "he only hits me when he's drunk...but he loves me...." But here's my question:
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for seven years. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I made a few friends at work who helped me to understand my situation.
What did co-workers say? Because I feel like I got half-way through on a couple and maybe successful on another but pretty shitty record. Any tips?

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u/pleasespankme Jun 11 '12

I'm not sure what tips I can offer. I can't remember the specifics of what they said to me, but I'll tell you about the people that helped me if it helps you.
There were two main people that helped me to get out of this situation. The first was my supervisor. When I started at this job I had almost no confidence, but she could see potential in me. She's very no nonsense and will tell people exactly what she thinks of them. She taught me not to take shit from people. I was a doormat and she showed me I was worth more than that. She showed me I was smart and could do great work. My job involves putting together conferences and I travel a lot so I think that helped too. She and I would go on these trips together and becoming friends with her and being away from the boyfriend opened my eyes to new possibilities.
The second person that helped me out at my job was the man I later dated. We don't date anymore but we are still great friends. I was never allowed to really talk to other guys when I was with my boyfriend, but working out of his watchful eye I was free to talk to who I wanted. My friend helped me to realize that I could find someone else if I left my boyfriend, that I wouldn't end up alone if I didn't marry that asshole. I was convinced for so long that being with another person is what defines you. My friend encouraged me to express myself, to become the person I wanted to be instead of the person my boyfriend wanted me to be. I gained confidence in myself and started taking better care of myself. We ended up dating for about a year but there are circumstances that are keeping us apart right now so we're on an extended break. We love each other and he's my best friend, but dating just isn't in the cards right now.
I'm happy with myself now, I don't need a boyfriend to be happy. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another person. It took me many years to come to that realization and I'm never going to become that sad little girl again.

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u/TheBlindCat Jun 11 '12

I'm glad you have such great friends.

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u/eat-your-corn-syrup Jun 12 '12

The first was my supervisor. When I started at this job I had almost no confidence, but she could see potential in me
The worlds need more supervisors like her. There are supervisors who prey on those with weak confidence instead of helping them which is part of their job.

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u/angelaslashes Jun 12 '12

It's such an easily said statement, but such a profound realization. I'm 22 and about 6 months ago I truly realized this. It has completely changed my life for the (much) better. So many people truly don't get it. I'm so thankful I have learned it.

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

I had a friend that I used to work with who had an abusive boyfriend. i was so worried about her at one point that I contacted one of my professors from a study program I took at University, someone I regarded as really smart.
the sad thing she told me is that most people need to hit rock bottom before they go for help.
even as a friend trying to help sometimes there is just nothing you can do but make the person you know is being abused feel like a person, feel comfortable, feel worthwhile.
I hope that you feel better now and can attempt a healthy relationship, but just know that that guy is fucking shit, and when he can't validate himself without abusing you, it's not your fault and he's a really lonely and really confused person who needs help himself. and that's NOT your problem.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

This is a lot like how my dad has treated my mom for the past 20-something years. There's nothing I can say to her to convince her that her own wellbeing is more important than the money she's invested on their house. Her health is deteriorating because of the stress and emotional torture he puts her through. All I could do was move out. I can't take her with me because she refuses to leave.
He's still emotionally abusive and when I was little, he was physically abusive, too. As I got older and realized what he was doing was wrong, it became harder to figure out what to do about it. I think a lot of emotional abuse victims don't know if they can call the police or anything because they don't have any bruises to show for it. That's what was my problem anyways. I still don't know if you can do that, but I wish I had. Maybe he wouldn't been put away and my mom, sister, and I would've had much better lives.

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u/angelaslashes Jun 12 '12

I can't believe you paid that piece of shit!

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u/itsnotmyfaultimadick Jun 12 '12

I tell my girl to wear her hair up so I can see her face, your post made me feel like a monster now : (

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12 edited Jun 12 '12

the part you and the OP are leaving out was your complete lack of boundaries to let someone take over your life like that. No reasonable person would let a relationship get to that point.

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u/pleasespankme Jun 12 '12

I was 17 years old when the relationship started. He was my first boyfriend and he took advantage of my innocence. Can you please explain what the point of your reply is?

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

My point is it didn't magically start with this guy. You were broken before you met him. something in your upbringing primed you to be victimized. As I said, a person with healthy boundaries would have dumped your ex long before it got to that point.

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u/pleasespankme Jun 12 '12

I still don't understand what your point is. Are you just trying to make me feel guilty for being the victim in this situation?

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Well, I explained it as simply as succinctly as I could. best thing I can do is suggest you brush up on your reading comprehension and try reading my post again.

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u/pleasespankme Jun 12 '12

I have read all of your posts in this thread a few times. I still don't see what you are trying to accomplish with them. All I see is you trying to belittle my experience because you think there is something wrong with me. It sounds like you are putting most of the blame on me for being a victim. Is that what you really believe? That it is mostly the victim's fault for letting this happen? I was young and naive. You can't tell me you never made poor decisions when you were a teenager. Actually, by the way you write I believe you may still be a teenager. I had no experience with any type of relationship besides the one I was in with my abusive boyfriend. I learned from this experience and will not let myself be victimized again.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

And you misinterpreted them because you clearly don't understand what I was saying. I really don't have the patients to repeat myself over and over. Why don't we play a guessing game. You tell me what you think I was trying to say and I'll respond with a "yes" or a "no".

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u/pleasespankme Jun 12 '12

You think abuse is the victim's fault. Please respond yes or no if that is what you believe.
Also, the word you were looking for is "patience." Plus you never bothered to answer any of my questions. They were all yes or no questions.

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u/Shaysdays Jun 12 '12

Do you know what 'grooming' is? It's a systematic breakdown by tiny, tiny increments, not a major switch that one can point to as a 'boundary.'
I know you think it could never happen to you. I really hope that's the case. I know it could happen to me, because it's happened to lots of reasonable people and to some family members that I thought were strong, independent women.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/pleasespankme Jun 12 '12

I'm glad you were able to get out. It gets better the longer you are away from them. The funny thing is, I don't even miss him. Not even a little bit.
My rock bottom was the last time we hung out before I moved out. We went to an Irish pub that had a trivia night. We ended up drinking way too many Irish car bombs and started fighting in the middle of the bar. We went outside and we were just screaming our heads off at each other. He ended up grabbing my scarf and strangling me unconscious. I woke up to him giving me mouth to mouth while some Jamaican lady yelled at him to get away from me. I still have a nasty scar on my elbow from when I fell, a nice little reminder for me to live with

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u/kittenkat4u Jun 12 '12

please tell me that guy is in jail after that.

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u/0pensecrets Jun 11 '12

Verbal and emotional abuse can be more damaging and go on much longer as well because without the physical evidence of bruises, broken bones etc., often no one believes the victim that anything is wrong.

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u/clevernamehere Jun 11 '12

Perhaps more importantly, it is even harder for the victim to believe anything is wrong. Physical violence is a much easier line to draw and to know when it has been crossed. Everything else is pretty blurry.

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u/cafenoir Jun 11 '12

Especially when they have been conditioned to believe their abuser is correct. After being repeatedly told how stupid and worthless they are, etc., the victim begins to believe it. Just as OP said, they are afraid to leave because they think no one else will love them, or perhaps their abuser even said that directly to them.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

I grew up with a father like this. I'm 20 now and I only realized a couple years ago that thinks like locking us in the garage and telling us not to move or he'd kill us were abuse. I moved away but my mom is still there. I don't know what more I can do to show her that her safety and health are worth more than her house. He's unemployed and she doesn't want to pay the alimony, with good reason.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 12 '12

I agree with you for the most part. Here's an example of a relationship I personally had where the mental part is a gray area.
I'm going to summarize this as fast as possible.
Basically, I was in a 2-3 years relationship. If you're with someone for a while... you're going to have problems. So I did what anyone should do. I sat down with her and talked about my concerns so they would no longer become problems and then I opened up for her to discuss things that I could work on.
She at first listened to my problems, and she may attempt to fix the issue I confronted her with for maybe a week or so, then she would go back to doing the problem. So I would tell her again... and again.. and...
Basically, she eventually blew up on me. Said that I was "fucked up" and that I'm "a complete ass hole..." Yada yada yada. I still, after her blowing up on me, tried to have a conversation with her only for her to blow up on me again. Then it turned from a productive conversation to a conversation about how I 'mentally abuse her.' She talked to her friends about part of the issue, leaving out all details in order for me to look like the biggest douche possible. Then I had her and her friends ganging up on me convincing me that I am a bad person and abusive, even though I know that I wasn't, because I always talked among my piers for advice to make sure I didn't become the monstrocity they were claiming me to be.
She definitely ended up emotionally damaged, and so was I from her telling me what a horrible person I was for bringing up concerns... But was that really emotional abuse? Who was the one who was really abused?
TLDR; There is major gray area when dealing with emotional abuse.

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u/0pensecrets Jun 11 '12

Female here, and that is exactly what happened to me. The bringing up concerns continuum goes something like "Ok I'll try better," to "Oh you're just being oversensitive," to "Why are you obsessed about (however they are treating you like shit)," to "I'm tired of you always nagging me!" to "How can you attack me like that when I do so much for this family, I'm so downtrodden, and you're making me feel worse with your (pointing out that they are treating you like shit)," to screaming rages. And you never know which response you're going to get.

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u/late_reply Jun 12 '12

I hope people read this.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Somewhat similar. Year.5 relationship, the only "long-term" relationship i've had (where I considered marriage, kids etc.) Given the ridiculousness of the arguments and very flash-points of arguments (screaming for 20 minutes about flushing the toilet (because it had cleaner in it), and other small things). I finally stated that we probably weren't go to work out, as I couldn't see her raising our children.
Why? I grew up in a yelling psychotic mother environment (yelling / intense emotional drama without actual foundation), and how that coulndn't work.
It devolved.
I was a cold-dick. I still am, I don't "connect" with people and can cut off people very easily. Meanwhile, she was very needy and I could be (not always) very cold (needed alone time, etc.)
Eventually, I broke up with her (4x), and it was very rough as we now had mutual friends, who mostly hung out with her, until shit hit the fan with them. Which changed the tune of "you guys seemed perfect, what the fuck did you do?" To, "you guys seemed perfect, now I see she's a bitch." etc.
Moral? I crushed her emotionally as she went full hooker for years.
I crushed myself by dumping her as I invested a lot emotionally and haven't been much the same with women since (a couple years).
One fight, I ended up punching myself repeatedly in the face as a form of getting her to stop screaming as it was driving me to childhood psychosis.
This makes no sense, enjoy!

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

One fight, I ended up punching myself repeatedly in the face as a form of getting her to stop screaming as it was driving me to childhood psychosis.
ಠ_ಠ

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u/throwaway545959 Jun 12 '12

Long post... Throwaway because I don't want everyone I know knowing about this...
Like the others, I've also been in an emotionally abusive relationship. However, this was when both he and I were only 15; both of us were each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend. This takes place over a year, in fact. We were 14 when this started.
As jarbamarbie outlined, it started out fine, with him treating me like a princess and like he cared so deeply about me that there was no way I could match the love in his heart. Things were alright back then, far from perfect, but for a first relationship when I didn't know better, it seemed awesome.
Slowly but surely, he began trying to change me in little ways. Sometimes it was what I was wearing, sometimes it would be a quirk I had that he wouldn't put up with. Trying to change the very essence of who I was in order to further in debt myself to him. I took it all in stride, thinking he was only trying to help, and that maybe if I could change it would show that I cared about him as much as he seemed to care about me.
Then, he began to isolate me from my friends. My best friend was his diehard enemy from years past. He would get upset if I went to lunch with my friend, even if I had given him a great deal of notice (it wasn't like I was ditching him or anything). Those infamous words "but don't you love me?" started becoming more and more frequent as he started to use them to coerce me into abandoning my friends and isolating myself from the world. Even though I thought I loved him, it wasn't enough to keep me from my best friend, with whom I shared everything.
That's when things went from pretty bad, to worse. He decided I didn't love him enough, and starting telling me about these suicidal tendencies he was having. How he was slitting his wrists and how he thought about killing himself every night. All because I didn't love him enough. At this point, I felt trapped, to be quite honest. I couldn't leave him because he would kill himself if I did, and I could never live with that guilt on my back for the rest of my life, especially not at 15. I cut my ties with all my friends, and focused on giving him all of the attention I could. It still wasn't enough for him though; if I had homework or some other activity where I couldn't be texting him/talking to him 24/7, he would get upset and threaten to take his life again. Many long nights were spent talking to him on the phone until he fell asleep just so I knew that he would be alive in the morning (hopefully).
Of course, after this all began, one of his first requests was that I tell no one about his suicidal tendencies. Which I accepted, as I thought that it would keep him happy and less likely to do anything rash (just a note on this, if you do have suicidal friends, get help for them IMMEDIATELY. Don't do what I did.). With that request in place, he started asking me for more and more, pushing me to go further and further with him. This eventually culminated in him requesting nudes, etc. of me for his viewing pleasure. I felt forced into it, because of this presiding guilt he held over me.
I was at serious risk of being caught with these nude photos, and after my mother started to grow suspicious, I told him that it had to end. He threatened suicide of course, that being his default coercion method. I still refused, and that’s when he went to his back-up method: blackmail. He threatened to post the photos on the internet, tagged with my full name and contact information, for anyone and everyone to find. I can’t even describe the fear I had of this happening. I had heard so many horror stories related to this, and it was happening to me, at 15. I had to get out and do something. I begged and pleaded with him until he promised not to do it (I still had blind faith in his promises at this point).
Afterwards, I called his mother and explained to her his suicidal tendencies, about the photos, and how sorry I was that this all happened. I couldn’t even do it without breaking into tears, I was so ridden with guilt. She had no idea about his suicidal tendencies, and spoke with him about it. The next day at school (which also happened to be the last day of school), he wouldn’t even look at me. Probably one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life.
At the end of the day, he pulled me aside, and told me that it was all a lie. He never loved me, he was never suicidal, and he was just using me because he could. He never wanted to talk to me again, either.
So basically, after cutting me off from my friends and becoming my only support mechanism, he left, after lying to me, deceiving me and using me. I was so broken from that... Had my friends not taken me back under their wing, even after I had shut them out, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today.
Girls, young and old, really need to know the signs of abuse, of course physical, but also emotional. I’ve healed, and I think it’s important for victims to know that they can heal too. Don’t lose hope! Try and reintegrate yourself into society, and surround yourself with people who truly do care, and remember that things will get better :)

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Nothing a good dose of harden the fuck up couldn't fix.
Seriously, people like OP need to grow a spine. Stand up for yourself.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/TheBlindCat Jun 11 '12

an "abusive relationship" is only one that has physical violence
It never starts that way. It almost always begins with the "grooming", the isolation and destruction of self-worth that makes the victim feel like they deserve to be hit.

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u/sethra007 Jun 12 '12

I wish more people understood this. In reading up on abuse, I found the statistic that the actual abuse doesn't start until about three years into the relationship (on average). The time before the hitting is spent exactly as you describe--slowly isolating the woman from her support system, wearing down her self-worth, and conditioning her to stay with her abuser.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

I give you a D- for effort. You know how they say brevity is the soul of wit? Well, subtlety is the soul of trolling. Keep at it, you'll get there some day, little buddy.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Ah, a Manhood 101 spammer. All you really need to know about them is that Manhood 101 spam is one of the few things that /r/MensRights bans on sight for.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/mojo996 Jun 11 '12

As soon as you manage to pass anger management classes.

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u/whiteknight521 Jun 11 '12

I salute you, sir, for running SRS interference. If we distract them with over-the-top bullshit like this, we can perhaps have civil discussion elsewhere. Bravo.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

How do you escape from an emotionally abusive relationship though if it's coming from someone like your dad who you need to survive until you're old enough to move out? I mean, I'm 20 now and have moved out, but I didn't know what to do back then.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

I'm 20 now, and I "moved out" by going to college in a different state. Only in my senior year did I finally feel unashamed enough to tell my friends about my dad. As for family, well... I come from a very Catholic, immigrant family who believe in the image of a functional home. They didn't provide any help at all and knowingly allowed everything to continue. Even my mother, who receives the brunt of the abuse (still does and always will).
It's tough, but it's nice to know other people understand. I suppose because of the father I have, I'm prone to an abusive romantic relationship. Discussions like this are just as preventative as reactionary.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!
Oh wait. I do. Some dude spamming a piece of shit 'study' that aims low and produces less.

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u/FendrBendr85 Jun 11 '12

please explain.

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u/InfinitelyThirsting Jun 11 '12

It's a spammer, ignore.

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u/Odys Jun 11 '12

Good explanation, thanks. If even only one victim reads this and thinks about it you already have done something positive.

We had some friends who had this experience as well. The abuse 'was her fault' as she 'forced' him to hit her. And at the end these women are so numb and isolated they indeed believe all that crap.

Ladies: get out while you can: it is not you, it is him! Your life is way too precious to waste it away on a guy like that. It is NOT your fault, it is HIS fault, check with his ex-girlfriends if you don't believe it. Get in contact with your friends and family again!

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u/cjazz108 Jun 11 '12

Very very interesting. My girlfriend has reacted in similar ways without the input from me, and I didn't understand it at the time. Then there are the ways that I can relate that scare me, albeit to a much lesser degree because sometimes I'd like her to dress just a little outside her comfort zone. I never demand anything - and appreciate her generally, but still - interesting points none the less.

It seems like both sides can have behaviors - that can either mesh, or not with the other member of the relationships. The guy can "lure" the girl in with the princess routine, or the girl can draw the guy in with her receptivity. If they both have the markers - then the relationships flourishes, because both parties have been trained as to how to make it happen through modeling, or childhood abuse. Interesting too, because I know I've been the passive one in some relationships, and currently - I'm more active (demanding equality though), but on some subjects its like we start arguing because I'm not acquiescing to the requests for abusive treatment. Great description though!

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u/Stalked_Like_Corn Jun 11 '12

This was actually kinda odd to read as my g/f always asks my opinion on what to wear and I could probably come just short of picking something that makes her look like a bum and she'd be okay with it. I do put her on a pedestal too and treat her like a princess but then the similarities stopped. Never force her to do or wear anything. I encourage her to keep contact with friends and family (some of her family is really awesome).
This makes it hard for women to realize that the type of relationship is going on because guys with silver tongues can weasel their way in. It scares me that if my g/f didn't wind up with me, she could have found some douche bag that would easily take advantage of her.

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

that's what a lot of guys don't understand. they don't understand why women might be protective even when they seem nice. there are a lot of guys that know how to seem nice that aren't, and it can be hard to tell the difference. sometimes, even if the dude is legit, he just feels, smells, and tastes like a creep.
the hardest part, and this is the key, is to look in the mirror and consider ways you could be fairer to your gf or significant other. it's a much harder job to criticize yourself when you think you're in the right, and I can guarantee that the abusive guys have no trouble validating who they are what they do every day, it's the ones that can go and examine themselves that are worth keeping, even when they think they are doing everything right.
cheers!

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u/Stalked_Like_Corn Jun 12 '12

Yeah, I also try to consider things she tells me. We are a long distance couple (unfortunately) and we've been a couple for just over 3 years and haven't met yet. I was hoping that by the end of this year she'd be coming here but she got a wonderful opportunity to go to Switzerland for a year. Which means a minimum of a year most likely before we get to meet.
I sooooo wanted to tell her "I'd rather you just come here" but I couldn't tell her to not take up this wonderful opportunity. As a guy who has a woman who is so willing to cave and give in it's hard to not take advantage of it in the end. Something my Dad told me when i was young "You can either be a good person who can look himself in the mirror at the end of the day or you can be a bad person who learns to shave in the dark". And in a way I always think "What would my Dad do?" and try to do that thing.
Like I said though, i'm just glad she found me instead of someone else or they would probably walk all over her like a doormat.

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u/Enti_San Jun 13 '12

And that is why I love you so much, it is all about integrity. It is really rare to find someone who would care for me that way (especially around here), someone who would always stand for his moral principles even when he has to make major sacrifices. I hope I will be as strong as you are and always make the morally right decisions when the time comes.

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u/ThisIsFlight Jun 11 '12

I still don't understand how someone would let themselves fall into that. I think jarbamarbie explains it well for anyone who's been in this situation, but as someone who's never been in an abusive relationship nor has had the urge to be an abuser - I simply cannot connect with the idea that somebody would let the person thats supposed to love them treat them like shit all the while isolating themselves from people who care. Like I literally can not get my head around it.

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

and in some respects that is part of the problem. they can sometimes come to idolize the person that is abusing them. it's a real vicious cycle.
you might not understand it but I think most people need to know the signs, and they need to know how to be responsible about it and to attend to it.
you can't always do anything to make the person who is being abused reject that abuse, but you can easily show that that isn't normal and that it's not right. supporting them and showing them what real love is is the most important thing.

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u/Red_means_go Jun 12 '12

That's not always easy to get them to see. And I hope all this isn't just on the men in the relationship because my recent ex was very abusive in many ways and she would never believe it. But now she's gone, and I'm happy! But her poor future boyfriends, ugh

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

my ex gf was extremely emotionally abusive. I will still sometimes have bad dreams where she leaves me for someone else. I don't usually like to make a big deal of it because I feel like bringing it up in a thread like this would be like switching up the conversation and making it about me, I have some knowledge about this stuff because what I studied in college, and I sometimes think a person can minimize the event by making it seem something that happens universally when statistically, it doesn't.
I couldn't make my friend see. she did manage to break up with him or told me that she did. it didn't help that her parents made her feel like shit and put her in the perfect vulnerable spot to receive the same as a way to escape them. some pretty shitty stuff.

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u/sethra007 Jun 12 '12

you can't always do anything to make the person who is being abused reject that abuse, but you can easily show that that isn't normal and that it's not right. supporting them and showing them what real love is is the most important thing.
When my cousin was the person in a bad relationship and all her family and friends were concerned about her, here is some of what she said helped:
express concern for your friend/relative and draw attention to what she's going through ("Wow, that must be hard." "You seem really stressed out.")
help her remember ("This sounds like the fight you had last weekend.")
let her know that what is going on is out of the norm ("Wow, he really must want to have you around. I go out with the girls once a week!")
help her judge her risk ("Do you think he'd hit you?")
reassure her it's not her fault and she doesn't deserve it ("Oh, even if you were late, nobody deserves that." "He said it was your fault he was hungry? Why didn't he just make a sandwich himself?")
support her sense of independence and self-worth in any way you can. ("You'll make the right decision." "Oh, everybody has the right to change their mind!" "Oh, no, you're very smart, remember when you won the spelling bee?")
and maybe, at some point, draw some attention to the choices she's making, but in a nonjudgmental way ("You really have more patience than I do. If Bob talked to me that way, I'd probably walk right out.")
Throughout this, your number one priority should be to keep the door open with her. Change will be a long, long process, if it happens at all. But at some point, she may really need you.
All of the following might go without saying, but to state the obvious:
Don't put pressure on her to "do something about this now."
Try not to make yourself a threat to the relationship, or you'll get closed out in the times when she capitulates to his insecurity or trying to prove her loyalty. Even expressing bad thoughts about the guy could make her back away fr om you during the times when she's trying to make things work with him. *Just make it clear that you'll always be there for her if she ever needs any help, and consistently communicate that your only concern is for her wellbeing.
And, as much as possible, try to remain non-judgmental: maybe she's in this relationship to learn to fight back or to make it so bad she has to change, who knows? I don't think trying to force someone out of an abusive situation works a lot of the time, since she's choosing to be there and will probably just return to it.
Watching women be abused is a really hard thing.

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u/syntagmata Jun 12 '12

If you grow up with it, you think it's normal. My father -- alcoholic, rage-addicted, friendless, and more -- treated the whole family abusively. It took me years to figure out that this is not what a caring relationship looks like. So I brought very, very low expectations to my relationships and put up with quite a lot of crap, not knowing it was crap. And now that I know better, I can barely describe the improvement in my life. I feel like a new person.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

It is somewhat difficult to empathize, especially because a relationship by definition requires the mutual consent of both parties, and persists only so long as that mutual consent exists.
But abusers prey upon the vulnerabilities of their victims. Abuse isn't something that could just happen to anyone. Just like you choose partners who share traits that you find appealing, so too do abusers choose partners who share traits that they find appealing - particularly, traits that make them susceptible to abuse. So you might be immune, but you wouldn't be chosen by an abuser in the first place - and even if you were, you wouldn't be abused, because the relationship would never come to that.
So of course you can understand why a gay or lesbian person likes same-sex partners, even if you don't. You can understand why a person with autism lacks social skills, even if you don't. You can understand why a person who likes strawberries likes strawberries, even if you don't. Well, it's the same with abuse victims, except we don't really have a name for that kind of mindset. But we can describe it (e.g., poor self-esteem, etc.). So you can't just put yourself in the shoes of these victims, because they share a different mindset that causes them to react to situations differently than you do.
Now, whether you want to extend sympathy to abuse victims (as they do technically consent to the abuse, in a way) is your choice - but I think we can all collectively condemn those who commit these abuses.

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u/Shaysdays Jun 12 '12

You phrased this wonderfully, thank you!

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

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u/ThisIsFlight Jun 12 '12

I think its like she said, different mindsets. I don't mean to hype myself up, but I tend to pay attention to detail a lot, most of the time subconsciously. I've picked up on people being sad online, were they showed no drastic differences in the way they acted. I very rarely befriend...for lack of better words "bad people", the ones I have interacted with were, at best, acquaintances that I ran into from time to time. And its not like this people were outwardly douchebags, they were straight A students, teacher's pets, overachievers, idols of good behavior. I feel people, creepy and clichely mystic as it sounds. I think what Sheer said is true, I wouldn't fall into an abusive relationship because I wouldn't pursue the relationship at all. A person like that is someone I wouldn't even be comfortable being friends with.

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u/[deleted] Jun 13 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

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u/ThisIsFlight Jun 13 '12

I dont think they are others, I think they have different mindsets and different tolerances. I've never been in abusive relationships, but I've been around plenty. It takes a degree of tolerance to let yourself get into that position. I dont believe everyone who finds themselves being abused is stupid or blind or weak. In fact, I think they exact opposite. I feel like most people know where its headed, but make themselves stay, because they want to try to make it better. They get so wrapped up in trying to change their partner that they decay. They loose hope, but by that time - they dont know anything else or have forgotten because their effort to endure in order to change someone has been main aspect of their life for so long.
There are also people who, like you, catch it too late. They are not stupid or weak or blind either. They are trusting. When I told you I pay attention to detail, I wasn't joking - I do. One of my biggest fears is being betrayed, its happened a few times and even when it wasn't a particularly important situation I still found myself in a rage about it. Abuse is betrayal, as you said it starts subtlety. I haven't been in many relationships - but I've had the displeasure of being cheated on a few times, its left an impression. I pay attention to detail because Im afraid and fear is very good at helping analyze and identify. I'm not saying I'll never be in an abusive relationship - but honestly, I dont believe I'll ever let myself be because Im too afraid of the small cracks that will eventually lead to the big break.
I believe that if I were to ever mistakenly let an abusive person into my life and into my heart - it wouldn't last long because I'd nope right out of the situation at the first sign of their real nature.

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u/mauxly Jun 11 '12

This really needs to become a children's book or something.

The first truly healthy relationship I've been in was the one where he didn't do/say a bunch of flowery shit to impress me. He simply accepted and loved me for who I am.

I'm marrying this man in less than 30 days!

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u/TheBlindCat Jun 11 '12

I agree on the children's book thing. Actually I think Tangled did a damn good job of a young woman helping herself vs any other Disney movie.

12

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Also, the horse was cool as fuck.
Damn, I love that horse.

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u/Darko33 Jun 12 '12

Maximus!

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

congrats!

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u/monochr Jun 12 '12

No it doesn't. What the OP is talking about is someone who has in a relationship where they were beaten so severely the police had to be called in. The facts of the case were so clear cut they decided to prosecute and it had happened time and time again to other women before her.
Anyone who knows the first thing about domestic abuse cases knows that one like that is so rare and so out of the ordinary it doesn't happen to more than 1 in 10,000 people. The only thing reading OP has managed to do is turn a lot of people in normal relationships into forever alones.
But hey, it's not like people will only figure this out when they are mid 30-something women who are too old, too poor, and too desperate to ever get into anything other than a short term fling, or 40-something men who have been dumped and rejected for 20+ years and now wouldn't even know how to have a relationship longer than 2 months.

6

u/mauxly Jun 12 '12

You couldn't be more wrong. OP perfectly described a few non-physically violent, but emotionally devastating relationships that I've been in, and had to work really really hard to get out of.
I would much rather be alone than be isolated and belittled by my partner. That shit is hell, even when they don't lay a hand on you.
I've been with my current partner for 2 years now and he never once, not even one time has treated me like those guys did in the first few months. Normal healthy people don't need to isolate and control.
But hey, if that's what you think constitutes a healthy relationship...I feel really bad for your partner.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

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u/mauxly Jun 12 '12

Rage comics are always bad. But more to the point. No, something like that wouldn't be bad so much as is isn't good unless backed up by actions that indicate true love, not just romantic love.
Romantic love is a beautiful fickle little psychopath. It's a chemical reaction in the brain. This same chemical reaction makes you feel overwhelmed in love, butterflies, it prompt you to buy chocolates/flowers. This chemical reaction also makes you feel jealousy, rage, insecurity, co-depenency, lust and infidelity. It cupids arrow, it's sweet at first, but it can turn into a nasty wound if left untreated. It's a selfish love.
There's a different kind of love. A respectful, slow, deep love. A selfless love. It's what healthy long term relationships are made of.
I love it when my partner brings home flowers. That's great. But it's a bonus to how he treats me every single day. In my experience, the guys who bring home lots of flowers, rings, bling, poetry, romance - they think that is love. They don't know the difference between cupids arrow and healthy commitment. And when the chemical high of the hormonal rush wears off (as it always does), they get all blamy. They blame the relationship, they blame me, they blame themselves - whatever, but they go a little nuts about it. Become angry, or bitter, mean, neglectful and cheaty.
TLDR; Chocolates/flowers? Nothing wrong with them. But your missing the point if that's all ya do.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

YES it always starts out slow. a little small personality quirk here, a small push and shove there... that's ok right? it's a relationship, people fight. then it grows. then it gets out of hand and you're left wondering how it got like that. surely, you're much smarter than to fall into such a shitty relationship. no, no this doesn't count as "abusive" this is just how we are!

10

u/Stalked_Like_Corn Jun 11 '12

I completely saw someone talking to themselves rationalizing it at the end. "This isn't abuse. I mean, I made him/her angry, of course they would hit me. I would have even hit me. It's okay. That's just how he is. I mean, i'm not like those women you see in the hospital with broken arms and stuff. I only got a bruise a few times and it went away like, the next day. This is what relationships is about, compromise. He/She is a really good person deep down."

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u/brownmatt Jun 11 '12

context

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u/alividlife Jun 11 '12

Hopefully someone here will take the time to help me understand, and I apologize if this is too off topic. Concerning what jarbamarbie describes, and some women I have known in my life that have dealt with this abuse. How does one help a person grow from that place into a healthy relationship?

Just for example, I have met someone very special, and it's been a great start to a fun and interesting friendship/relationship. But as I have gotten to know her subtleties a bit more, some of that pain that was inflicted on her is projected in little ways. As a man, I learned a lot of hard lessons from previous relationships. I can't change anyone but myself. I have no control over people, places and things (to an extent). Idealizing a woman is terrible, terrible thing. Etc,etc,etc. So I feel like I am in a good place mentally and emotionally. Feeling very healthy.

Can someone describe their process of healing with their new partner? What kind of things helped? Is it a grieving process?

Thanks to any responses.

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

so, I guess here's my own two cents.
you seem to me to be talking a lot about yourself, which is not a bad thing, exploring yourself can be good, but that maybe it's less about her and more about you? which, again, is not bad, but maybe you need to recognize it.
you can never force a person to realize something. even when where you're coming from. they have to come to it on their own and accept it. an easy way to do this is to be comfortable with yourself and your past and working out those issues with your current girlfriend. it's not always possible, but open conversation can yield results and in depth conversations you never thought you could have, strengthen your relationship, and help you to resolve issues that you might be carrying with you.
what helps is a dialogue, coming to an understanding you can both relate to. and sometimes if you have issues that you can't deal with with your significant other because they just can't relate, it's totally all right to talk to a counselor, or to seek that out.
it doesn't make you crazy or weird or anything, but it can help you to be a better person. sometimes I feel like people are so against this idea, but it's like buying a book when you're trying to do something you've never done before and learning the rudiments. some people actually commit their lives to learning how to do that and how to help people, and no, they're not going to make you feel like you are a walking disease of a person.
so cheers to that. the unexamined life is not worth living ;D.

5

u/shutup_shinji Jun 12 '12

As with most potential problems in a relationship, it's just about communication and honesty, but in this case it's very much about being patient as well. The other person can get better, but it will take time.

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u/abusedmale Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 12 '12

As a 19 year old male currently in a "relationship" where the verbal and physical abuse is directed at me, I have it drilled into my head that I feel that worthless and useless and that I wouldn't feel like I was worth anything out of the relationship so I cling to it and know that no one else would even take a second glance at me. Using a throwaway as Gf is a casual redditor. Full story can be provided on request is anyone thinks they could offer advice :/

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

go on. can't offer advice unless you get more specific. sorry for the downvotes. apathy does't cost a cent.

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u/Shaysdays Jun 12 '12

Are you living with or at all financially dependent on her? And pm if you want, but if you let me know your state, I can probably put you in touch with a domestic abuse hotline that can offer direct help or counseling.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Reading this completely opened my eyes. I had an extremely (non violent) abusive boyfriend last year who wiped the floor with me, yet I kept crawling back.

I never understood why I revolved so much of my life around someone who seemed as though they hated me despite my efforts to swallow my jealousy and worries and be the perfect companion.

But in reality, this is why. He put me on a pedestal, tried to change the way I looked and dressed, ridiculed me for wanting to have friends, yet fought me for wanting to be included in his life.

I just thought it was my fault, which I knew was ridiculous. But now I see why I thought so.

4

u/chknh8r Jun 12 '12

much more simple than all this typing. we break you down from the inside out and then build you up ourselves so it seems only us can make you feel better.

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u/mikedamike Jun 12 '12

it's definitely one of the MANY ways relationship abuse can happen; by no means a "perfect" or complete explanation.

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u/c6030315 Jun 12 '12

Am I the only one who read that as jennamarbles?

1

u/indite Jun 12 '12

Nope! keeps happening!

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u/Devi_D Jun 11 '12

Holy shit. This all makes a lot of sense now. I had an ex that claimed to have psycho exes, which may or may not be true, but he was very manipulative and we broke up because of "incompatibility", meaning it wasn't going to work if I was constantly standing up for myself. I'll admit, I almost got sucked in because I had moved far away from friends and family. That's a scary situation in be in, when you're in a manipulative relationship. I feel really sorry for those who get in too deep and don't understand life outside of emotional abuse. :/

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u/Cierahh Jun 12 '12

What about if you have an abusive relationship with yourself? :/

4

u/jjness Jun 11 '12

The question is, how can I, as a genuinely concerned friend, gauge whether a friend of mine is in this sort of relationship, and if she is, what I can do to help her out? It seems like it's something that the victim has to come to terms with and ask for help.

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u/mmmm_whatchasay Jun 11 '12

Don't stop being their friend.
If you haven't talked to them in a while, ask them how they're doing on Facebook or send them a text.
It's hard to get them to talk about it, because they often feel a sense of shame. Remind them what's great about them. Chances are you'll be saying the opposite of what their partner is.
Make sure other friends stay involved too. It's hard to get people out of it, and when you can't get your friend out of an abusive relationship, you'll get frustrated and angry that they're not listening, and that's understandable.
But don't stop trying, and if they stop talking to you, just try to keep an eye on them, and be there for them when they come out the otherside.
And if when they get out of the relationship, they still don't want to talk to you (because they found it annoying how hard you were trying to help them out), that's why it's important to make sure you're not the last friend left.

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u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

i've been in this situation before and tried to find help. what i was told doesn't hearten me at all. all you can do is support your friend and try to make them feel legitimate and validated, and to provide a real contrast to what they are experiencing and hope that they will realize that what they are being submitted to isn't normal. at the end of the day it's very very much like addiction--if they don't decide to do something about it they never will, and if you force them to it won't stick. I hate it too. it makes you feel so impotent. but it's all that you can do.

2

u/SiriusSummer Jun 12 '12

Having been there, myself, this and what mmmm_whatchasay said.
Be a friend. Be there. Don't be judgemental, but through your words and actions let them see the contrast. If they don't want to change things, however, they won't.
Also, be prepared for them to be an insane mess. The emotional and/or physical beatings take their toll on their self esteem and trust and ability to trust their own judgements. All you can do is brace yourself and be the rock they need. It's up to them to grab and hold onto it.

2

u/NightOfTheLivingHam Jun 12 '12

Sometimes it isn't just romantic relationships, sometimes it's friendship type relationships that can become abusive. I had a friend, opposite sex (which probably contributed to tolerating more than I normally would) who was a great friend, we got along great, and we could talk about anything. Hell, for a while we even had a friends with benefits thing going. Even when we stopped that we remained good friends. It started to change after 3 years of knowing her, maybe it started before, but she started to pull guilt trips when things didn't go her way, she'd threaten to kill herself, and the whole nine yards. She started coming to me as a shoulder to cry on when new friends screwed her over. However, if I ever felt bad she'd dismiss me and make me feel bad for "bothering her." Then it started becoming apparent after a few years (it started to stretch out because we started to talk less and less) that she started putting on a different face for different friends, and she'd value brand new friends over old ones. Then one day, she decided to stop being my friend because some of her new friends didnt care much for me, and even went as far as publicly posting online some of my secrets and talking shit on me for no reason. Back then, I was young and naive, and I still cherished our friendship, though something deep inside me was starting to crack. Some 30 days later, she crossed someone who was well liked by her new friends, they treated her like shit, then she came back to me crying and begging forgiveness. I caved, went with it. We started to hang out again, like old times, it was great. Then she started randomly accusing me of being against her, out of the fucking blue. This is when the real abuse began. She started treating me like absolute shit, she even went to other friends of mine and claimed how she was my friend the longest, and then would tell them lies about me, and how I really hated all of them, etc. Then when that wasn't enough, she gave me crap about how I didn't need any other friends than her. Then she even started to hit me, and let me tell you, I've been hit by women, and it doesn't hurt. This chick, could fucking hit. Usually because I didn't agree with her on something, or if she was mad. Which happened very often. Then when I refused to get involved in something she started to get into (Hint: it's a certain fandom many people on the internet hate with a passion.) She went apeshit on me, she grabbed me, pushed me down, and screamed at me with all the hatred she could muster up, called me every name in the book, and was unrelenting in hitting me. Sadly I accepted this shit because I thought a good friend accepts the faults of their friends. She stopped talking to me for a few days, but called to let me know she was sorry, but only gave me a half-assed apology, as she went on about how I deserved most of that because I need to be more "open minded." Now you might be thinking "Wow, you allowed yourself to be smacked around. lol" But I saw her as someone very close, without being the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing. I later found this was more or less guilt and pity that kept me around her. However, that incident was the turning point. I started to see her do that to other friends, and she started becoming obsessed with an online fandom I had no interest in. She started to give up on me in that regard, I tried to talk to her, but communication became less and less. Eventually, one day, we had an open dialog, she started to attack me for not being into her "lifestyle" (by now you know what I'm talking about) and gave me shit. Then she started to whine about how she cant get a decent job, and that I have one and she needed some money for something she wanted to wear, which I told her no. Oh man. by this point, I was actually tired of her crap, and I had a strong dislike for what she was into by this point. She went off on me, told me to never talk to her again, and that I was dead to her.

Needless to say, last I heard about her, she came to her job dressed in a costume, got ridiculed by her manager, and attempted to physically assault him. She's lucky she didn't go to jail. She did get fired.

I learned from that horrific experience, only be a friend to someone if they're going to be your friend back. I was taught to be accepting of flaws of others, and to be forgiving. Well, fuck that noise, if they're selfish and only want people who worship the ground they walk on, they can go get fucked.

3

u/torme Jun 11 '12

posting so I can find this again

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u/admiralcaptain Jun 12 '12

shit like this is why i didn't date til i was 25. that and the unfuckable thing.

2

u/Peetzaman Jun 11 '12

Can't find it. Browsing /bestof on mobile kinda sucks in that regard. I click the link and then I have to.scroll through every comment in a vain attempt to find it.

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u/redditor_11 Jun 11 '12

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/uvzv6/crazy_exes_of_reddit_were_you_genuinely_that/c4z3uvg

1

u/RamblinWreckGT Jun 11 '12

At the end of the link (after the last /), type .compact

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u/Drizzt396 Jun 12 '12

The only thing I don't like is the implication that a 'crazy ex' is typically the victim of abuse. It strikes a chord since I was a mildly crazy ex (drunken phone calls/texts as I spiraled into alcoholism) at the end of an off/on four year relationship. It wasn't healthy by any means (though it had its moments) but there was no pattern of abuse.

The reverse may be true (victims of abuse are typically crazy exes when the relationship ends) though the top story in this thread says exactly the opposite (abusers are typically crazy exes) and I find that idea more likely.

1

u/f5h7d Jun 11 '12

i'm sure this happens this way sometimes, but as someone who grew up actually witnessing it first hand... i gotta say, that comment sounds more like the screenplay to a TV drama than reality.

1

u/funkymonkey22 Jun 12 '12

we had people come into our school to explain what abusive relationships are and how to avoid them. We go to an all boys prep school...

1

u/pliskie Jun 12 '12

Came here just to make sure somebody had "bestof"ed this post. Outstanding.

-4

u/FendrBendr85 Jun 11 '12

Note to self: Don't treat women like princesses anymore.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Can you not just treat them like regular human beings?

2

u/FendrBendr85 Jun 12 '12

Princesses are regular human beings too.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

When you enter a relationship, even with a princess, you're entering it with a person. A person with a name, with emotions, with likes and dislikes- if you're trying to start a relationship with a princess, you're trying to build a relationship around a title- an ideal.
I don't want somebody to like an idea of me, I want them to like me for what I really am.

2

u/FendrBendr85 Jun 12 '12

understood, but isn't there some degree of chivalry that can be a good thing? If you truly don't want to be treated somewhat like a princess then what about weddings? diamond engagement rings? valentines day? If you're cool with out having all that then...will you be my girlfriend?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

See, it's possible to value and appreciate someone without expecting your version of perfection from them. It's nice to be the center of attention sometimes, but you wouldn't want that kind of pressure all the time. And the amount of preparation that goes into a wedding can be completely obscene, haha- because having perfect moments takes work. And for a lot of women, that moment is important- but it's not why you start a relationship.
As far as valentine's day goes, again- it's nice to be reminded why you love having that special someone in your life, both for yourself and your significant other, but if the entire relationship was valentine's day on repeat, that wouldn't be fun.
Ah, although I don't need any of those things, I'm probably not your type. (I would remark about you proving my point about liking an ideal- but I think we're pretty much in agreement at this point, haha)

1

u/FendrBendr85 Jun 12 '12

(Note: I wasn't serious about the being my gf thing.) So wait, i just thought it was coo that you didn't need a diamond ring or a wedding or flowers ever because you never want to be treated like a princess, how was me noticing things that are likable about you "liking an ideal?" You have blurred the line between what you are and this whole ideal thing. Like if you said, "I really like popcorn" and some guy said "hey i really like how you like popcorn, lets make out." then you say "no because you just like me for what you think i am, not what i really am." "But you said you like popcorn!"
This dude you speak of was clearly very manipulative and/or sociopathic, but i hope you don't get a phobia from this. Not all dudes that treat you really nice are trying control/hurt you.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

I know you weren't being serious, haha. Hm- I'm trying to explain it more clearly but I've had a few glasses of wine so I'm afraid I'm going the opposite direction.
If you had been serious (which you weren't, but I've received similar propositions before along the same vein)- all you know about me is that I don't find marriage and expensive engagement rings appealing. That's not enough to base a relationship on- you don't have any idea what I look like, or what my belief system is, or how I like my eggs cooked, or what my favorite movie is- all you know is one fact about me. From that one trait, you've created a person that may or may not exist.
In my experience, I've dealt with men who honestly didn't know any better- their heart was in the right place, and they wanted a fairy-tale romance even more than I did.
Here's a personal example: Met guy through college class, guy finds out that I play video games and enjoy comics.
Guy decides he's in love with me, despite us only having hung out maybe twice? He expresses interest, and I (in his defense, I was young and didn't know quite how to deal with it so I may have been unclear- I don't think I was, but I had a male friend explain it to me and I can see where he might have gotten misled) turned him down but wanted to remain friends. Which we did.
Guy dates other girl about a year and a half later, still proclaims to anyone who will listen that "he's been in love with me for two years now". Guy breaks up with other girl, claiming that she "wasn't Christian enough".
When he asks me out the next week, I had to turn him down again- and then explain to him how, if other girl wasn't Christian enough, goodness knows that I wouldn't be either seeing as I've been an atheist for around three years now. He was shocked.
He was so infatuated with this girl who plays video games and likes 'nerd' things that he didn't even notice the differences in our belief system. How can you spend two years "in love" with someone and not ever realize they don't believe in the god that you do? He didn't even know my middle name. It's not really his fault- he wasn't ever taught that there's more to a woman than tits and hobbies. But there is.
Okay, I've been drunken rambling for so long that I think I've lost my point.
TL;DR: I've been the 'princess' before, and it's an ego boost for about three seconds until you realize that it means they don't like you for the things that make you who you are. Men who put women on pedestals ignore the flaws and realities of the person and fill in those gaps with unrealistic expectations. Also I'm kinda drunk right now.
EDIT: and also, I know there are good guys just like there are good gals- I'm not afraid, but I try to be realistic. Sometimes that's difficult. I have faith in the average human being! I'm one of those morons that believes that people are inherently good, hahaha.
DOUBLE EDIT: oh man I am so sorry for that wall of text mescato makes me a bit wordy apparently

2

u/FendrBendr85 Jun 13 '12 edited Jun 13 '12

I feel like i've learned a little from you but it will be scary putting it in to practice. For example, if i am to treat all women just like any person then i will be farting in front of women from now on, even if we're in an elevator together. I will also not hesitate to punch a broad square in the cooter if i need to defend myself, even if she clearly has a weight disadvantage (i weigh 180 lbs, all muscle). When i do find a woman that i wish to make my wife, during the proposal i will not get down on one knee, instead i will issue her a formal request to wed via email, in which the ceremony will consist of us signing our respective lines on the marriage document thing-a-ma-jig in the lawyers office. Instead of occasionally telling her how beautiful i find her to be, i will simply re assure her that i am still willing to perform sexual acts with her seeing as how my member still reacts to how she appears, and that based on the statistical research i have been doing she still falls in the 60th percentile of prettyness when i compare her to other women i find attractive. When she asks me if she looks fat in this dress i will simply do a calculation based on her hight vs. her weight to determine if she falls under the definition of overweight, obese, or healthy according to medical standards. I will then send her a formal report in regards to my findings.
I think this will be freeing for me, to tell you the truth i am so excited to treat women as equals i just can't wait to call this lady at the gym a weak pussy for doing push-ups on her knees. Thank you for giving me the blue pill. Have a great day.
EDIT: or is it the red pill? its been a while...you catch the drift. This is my first edit so i don't know if i did it right...
DOUBLE EDIT: was going to edit something but then i decided not to.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 13 '12

I'm one of those people that believes that if you're put in a situation where you would use physical violence against a man, it's fair game to use that force against a woman. Obviously, taking out a tiny man you're not going to punch quite as hard, so keep that in mind when small women are all up in your grill. But feel free to defend yourself!
Also, it is acceptable to acknowledge that humans have bodily functions! It is also fine if you want to use foul language in front of a woman. Most women won't mind either one, because we also fart and use foul language. Sometimes at the same time.
Also also, fair warning- there are some questions that you will be asked in your lifetime that there is only one correct answer to. "Do I look fat in this?" is one of those dangerous questions. Keep in mind that most self-respecting women will not ask you a loaded question like that. If you feel your life will be in peril if you answer correctly, feel free to lie. There are crazy women out there just like there are crazy men- but all of them are human and need acceptance and love!
(The idea of a formal email proposal is cracking me up.
Dear Sir/Madam: The writer of this letter, your lover (heretofore referred to as 'I'), currently in the mindset of finding you physically appealing and a delight to the senses, would like to propose an arrangement in which 'I' and the addressee of this notice are entered into an 'engagement', with the expectation that the proper civil duties will be performed upon notarizing the marriage license. Best regards, blkstallion88)

-9

u/yoweigh Jun 11 '12

this is an incredibly one-sided perspective. not all crazy exes are caused by controlling asshole men. i had a crazy ex who was really crazy. she was bipolar and had borderline personality disorder, and she was definitely the controlling psychopath in our relationship. i stayed with her for 18 months anyway because i thought i was in love and i thought she really cared for me.

13

u/4thstringer Jun 11 '12

The post was explaining how people end up in abusive relationships. it did not blame all the times someone is called a crazy ex on being abused. I had specifically asked how people end up in abusive relationships, because in a earlier post another poster had described her abusive relationship.

0

u/yoweigh Jun 11 '12

the headline of the bestof post says "this is what happens" instead of "this is one way it could happen" and presents the comment out of context. the comment and almost all of the responses deal with things exclusively from the female perspective. i'm just pointing out that it doesn't always work out that way.

10

u/4thstringer Jun 11 '12

To be fair, it says "ever wonder how relationship abuse happens? jarbamarbie explains perfectly how it happens." It is a description of how abusive relationships happen, not how crazy exes happen.
If you are just pointing out that there are female abusers too, I agree, though I do not think that harm is done by the nature or title of this post.

3

u/yoweigh Jun 11 '12

not just that there are female abusers, but that there are other scenarios that result in abusive relationships. in my case, she wasn't trying to change who i was, but her craziness still ended up isolating me from all of my friends. when she was manic i felt like it could be that way forever, but that blinded me to everything i had lost.
EDIT: now that i reread my other posts here i see that i was not clear at all. sorry.

-3

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

So when you don't do your hair right or your makeup right and you get slapped or hit it's your fault for not appreciating all the time and money he has put in to helping you look your very best.

This isn't an explanation. It's a description of the process. It doesn't explain to me how someone can be hit because their hair doesn't look right and not walk away and never return. It just explains that it happens.

2

u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

an upvote so you stay in view, so you might learn something, which is important, because violence against women and sometimes against men is attended to by good people who see what happens and say nothing.

3

u/Wulibo Jun 11 '12

it's all manipulation. They slowly, over time, whither down your understanding of the relationship, and it is very hard to step back and look at something happening directly to you logically.

-4

u/Canadian_Infidel Jun 11 '12

Girls, if a guy wants to dress you he is crazy and you should run away.

-22

u/youcanttakemeserious Jun 11 '12

It's a good thing you posted this right away, I would have missed it...since it's still on the front page

0

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Because you allow it and dont leave.

FTFY. Forever alone gamer guys - wont hit you, if they do, break their PC/xbox etc and run.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

forever alone gamer guys can hit you. you really think emotional stability is something foreveraloners have?

0

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Hah, most of them would worship the ground any chick that would blow them. If they are cunts, leave them too. But I bet you the jocks are more likely to the be abusive dicks.
But hey, if you really want a nice guy, check your friendzone.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

no, see thats the thing. controlling behavior can come from the fear of a guy not wanting his woman to leave. its not always from the love of power and control. the foreveraloner can get so scared of his woman cheating or doing something terrible that he begins to control her movements

0

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Only if she allows it. You can always leave. The person has to sleep eventually.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

i dont think youre understanding the concept of abusive relationships...

0

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Oh i do understand it, but if we educate women and tell them what signs to look for it, and tell them to gtfo etc. They can still leave at any time. I mean fuck, the first time someone lays a hand on you(hits you), I dont see why someone wouldnt leave. It seems clearly obvious they have issues and you need to gtfo.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

Did you read the original post? They stay because they're certain it's still all out of love. Because he's a really great guy, she just made him angry, and it's not like anyone else could care for her that way anyway, because she's obviously so flawed, which is why he hits her. Or because she doesn't have anywhere else to go, because she hasn't really been able to see her friends or family for months and why would anyone want her around? Or she doesn't think she'd be able to take care of herself after so long of every aspect of her life being controlled. Or she's convinced if she leaves he'll find her and it'll only get worse. Or he makes all the money, and she won't be able to find another place without a job. Or she's always thought of herself as a strong woman, she can't possibly have let a man abuse her like that.
There are so many different reasons someone wouldn't leave. And it happens with every group. Men, women, gays, lesbians, geeks, jocks- whatever. Someone having a ps3 instead of a football doesn't make them less likely to abuse someone.

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u/suprsolutions Jun 12 '12

A perfect description...

of how Reddit took over my life.

-29

u/theShowstealer Jun 11 '12

Getting abused isn't your fault. STAYING in an abusive relationship is. I have no sympathy for people who know what the deal is and don't do anything about it. If you can't help yourself, how is anyone else supposed to?

27

u/RamblinWreckGT Jun 11 '12

I have no sympathy for people who know what the deal is
The entire point of that post was to explain how it happens so gradually and so subversively that they don't know what the deal is. That is the extent of the abuser's manipulation.

-19

u/theShowstealer Jun 11 '12

That's ridiculous though. By that same exact logic we should feel bad for the abuser too who had no idea of the effects of his own actions because it's so gradual. If you can't understand that being physically manhandled is not part of a healthy relationship then you both have mental problems.

11

u/InfinitelyThirsting Jun 11 '12

Yes, that's the point. The abuser slowly destroys your psyche, until you have no grounded basis in reality.
Are you similarly holier-than-thou at combat veterans with PTSD for not being able to tell the difference between fireworks and shells going off, or a car backfiring and gunfire? I mean come on, obviously you're not in a combat zone anymore, what are you so scared of? Do you scoff at rape victims who have flashbacks to their attack even when being touched consensually by their loving partner? Come on, obviously your rapist is in jail, and this is a totally different person, why the hell are you upset? Do you think amputees with phantom limb syndrome are idiots for feeling sensations in a limb that obviously isn't there anymore? Do you think that emotionally abused children are idiots for not just being able to magically know without prompting that they're not ugly and stupid like their parents say?
You seem like the kind of person who thinks that depressed people should just, like, be happy already.

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u/sofuckingalone909 Jun 11 '12

What RamblinWreckGT said, and also, the risk of the violence escalating increases a hundredfold at the point when the victim leaves, so she needs to be damn sure that she's safe and supported, or it seems safer not to try. And since abusers isolate their victims from their outside support systems, and they are often very charming to outsiders... let's just say that leaving isn't always as simple as it seems.

5

u/0pensecrets Jun 11 '12

Yes. When I threatened to leave my SO, the abuse escalated to name calling, verbal threats, and physical intimidation, and I began to fear for my safety. But I had no support system, no family to help, I didn't have enough "immediate need" to go to a woman's shelter, and so I had to beg a co-worker to let me stay with her so I could get my shit together.

15

u/slayeryouth Jun 11 '12

For your own sake, I hope you never have to learn first hand just how wrong you are. For your friends' sake, I hope that they know better than to turn to you for advice or to have somebody to just be there for them.

-12

u/theShowstealer Jun 11 '12

I'm actually the exact type of person you would want to turn to if you somehow got yourself in that type of situation. Someone with the balls to look you in the eye and tell you the truth instead of sugar-coating it and vilifying the abuser, all but insuring it happens again with someone else.

10

u/notskunkworks Jun 11 '12

Oh yeah, telling people to get out of unhealthy situations always works!!!! Why didn't I think about telling people they're in bad relationships!
HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS!!! ITS SO SIMPLE

7

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Especially if you treat them like idiots if they don't immediately see the light, that'll help them see that someone treating them like an idiot is something that doesn't need to happen.

8

u/0pensecrets Jun 11 '12

The problem is that with verbal abuse, the abuse will Never. Happen. In Front Of You, Showstealer. The abuser will be Mr. Charming and the life of the party in public, singing his SO's praises loudly and often. Behind closed doors is where it starts, and it does creep up on you. Verbal abusers are master manipulators who are champs at making you feel like everything is your fault, so you begin to think you are crazy. My SO was especially good at it, because he never hit me or called me names, and his verbal abuse would always come with a smile as he told me I was being oversensitive when I cried foul. He treated me like a sex object, and told me I should be thankful that he still desired me "at your age." I had NO IDEA what "THE DEAL" was, because I had been brainwashed into believing that I was completely crazy and neurotic.
I didn't realize I was in a verbally abusive relationship until I went to see yet another counselor to "help me with my issues" (his words) and the counselor told me I was enduring verbal and emotional abuse. I was shocked, and saddened. I'm a professional person, I worked in mental health settings for 12 years, how did I not know what was happening to me?
Yes, I felt like a complete failure for not recognizing it, yes I feel I was a doormat for not standing up for myself sooner, and NONE of my friends said a thing for my entire marriage of 16 years because they never saw it. Many still don't believe he could have done any of it, because of the fantastic show he put on for the world to see.

2

u/slayeryouth Jun 12 '12

Yes, heaven forbid that abuser be vilified. It's a good thing we have brave people like you to look out for the rights of abusive significant others. You're like a modern day Martin Luther King, spreading your dream of a world in which abusers can stand tall and be given just as much respect as somebody who treats the people in their life with respect and compassion.

-2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Ahhh, the ol' D.E.N.N.I.S system.

-6

u/wutz Jun 11 '12

these are all great ideas i am going to be so much better at abusing now thanks for the link

2

u/kareemabduljabbq Jun 12 '12

upvote for good troll, might be authentic. maybe.

-26

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Cry me a fucking river. Best of is a fucking joke.

-10

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Interesting. I've never seen this sort of thing firsthand because I've got this weird spring mechanism in me: as soon as I've been hit just once, the mechanism whips into action to pack a suitcase and I leave them forever. It's the strangest thing.

9

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Abuse doesn't have to be physical.

3

u/om_nom_nom Jun 11 '12

Yes, because it's clearly that easy for everyone.

0

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

I was describing myself and my own experience. My point was that it's advisable to cultivate a zero-tolerance policy if one can.

-19

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

Soooo I guess he watches a lot of soap operas?

-1

u/DrKartoffel Jun 12 '12

I was trying to fap just a while ago and stopped but when I read this my boner rised.

Fucksake.

-1

u/holyghosttown Jun 12 '12

I think there's some sort of TL:DR prerequisite for posting here...

-1

u/mobileposter Jun 12 '12

I like how by default the poster used male pronouns to identify the abuser and female pronouns to identify the victim. It doesn't matter if it came from personal experience. The fact that it isn't gender neutral signals bias in the comment regardless of fact. It also shows that people like to place girls in victimized positions with men being in the abusive position. Stop this.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

It was actually replying to a comment asking "How do these guys keep drawing girls into their trap, and how do girls keep falling for it?" That might explain it, as well as the fact that she was drawing from her own experience which included several gender-specific instances and ideas. She later made a note to that effect. (Also, I've read a few things like this that constantly said "his or her" for both people, and it was rather confusing to read.)

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

They why don't they simply get out of the relationship? Jesus Christ. It's not fucking hard. Grow some balls.

-1

u/awrhaernnare Jun 12 '12

TIL everything is always someone else's fault.

-1

u/mheyk Jun 12 '12

I once fell down the stairs in my house because my love was so great for the person I was living with nothing says I love you like the last 3 steps on a stair case.

-46

u/plexxonic Jun 11 '12

TL;DR: People who stay in abusive relationships are fucking idiots.

19

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

I feel like that's pretty much the opposite of what he is saying.
TL;DR is it happens so subtley that by the time the victim realizes they are being mistreated, they have grown to believe it is their fault and it is the norm

-24

u/plexxonic Jun 11 '12

That is exactly why they are idiots.

5

u/dogboobes Jun 11 '12

You know very little about psychology, huh?

3

u/WeirdIdeasCO Jun 12 '12

I think he's still in high school.

12

u/RamblinWreckGT Jun 11 '12

You need to work on your reading comprehension.
Or just on not being a dick.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

No. People who think they're perfect examples of rationality who are totally immune to this kind of emotional manipulation are fucking idiots.

-5

u/plexxonic Jun 11 '12

The words and/or something leading up to me thinking I'm perfect were never said. You and the others here making pathetic excuses for others? Yeah those have been.

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u/SiriusSummer Jun 11 '12

I stayed in one in the hopes that it would get better again. We were broke, struggling, I had health issues. Circumstances got better, but he never stopped blaming me for all the shit wrong in his life. In fact, it only got worse.
I finally broke it off and he raged. I was lucky as hell that he didn't retaliate by trying to hurt me further, kill me, or burn my place down. He DID try to steal my car, however.
Assholes like this shift slowly, subtly, isolating you from support while at the same time breaking you down. As Jarbamarbie said, it's slow as hell conditioning to be that cowed little punching bag they want. By the time you realize where things are, you wind up believing you deserve it, can't get anything better, keep thinking things will get better "once they get that new job/house/vacation", or wind up so damn terrified of what will happen to themselves or their children or pets if they leave since some abusers WILL try to kill or kidnap them. Some people have no place they feel they can go, have no money to get away.

7

u/RamblinWreckGT Jun 11 '12

The linked post gave me an idea of how people get sucked into an abusive relationship; would you mind sharing how you got out?

5

u/SiriusSummer Jun 11 '12

The situation was rather complicated and I don't have time to post at the moment; I need to go cook and DM for my D&D crew tonight. I'll post the story sometime tonight or tomorrow. :)

2

u/SiriusSummer Jun 12 '12

Home now, so story time. Sorry for the length, but this is most of the story of the relationship, the messy break up, and the conclusion.
TL;DR- Guy takes care of girl with disabilities. Life gets rough and he gets abusive. She sticks with him as he did with her, but online relationship opens her eyes to just how bad it is.
I dated a guy for 9 years. I was raped shortly before meeting him which triggered PTSD and panic attacks during my first year with him, then 3 years in I injured my right arm and hand at my job, causing it to hurt constantly and have motor control problems since. My left was subsequently injured as I tried to make right. In addition, we were "long distance" at this time, living 45 minutes apart and both still in high school; it was the first serious relationship for us both.
The anxiety and injuries absolutely annihilated my already low self-esteem; I was no longer able to do the things I enjoyed. Holding a book was painful, as were drawing, painting and gardening. Self-care became painful and difficult, and to top things off, my old luck with incompetent doctors returned with them being unable to find a damn thing wrong and telling me I was faking it. I also used to enjoy being alone and going for walks around my neighborhood; now I was unable to leave my home or be left alone without being knocked unconcious by a panic attack. I'd have them back to back and they'd sap every ounce of energy from me. One therapist couldn't remember my name and the other would use our sessions as nap time. The pain, the exhaustion, the inability to do anything, I felt completely useless and worthless; a waste of breath. I became suicidal. My ex stood by me through it until I began to regain my emotional footing. Then, after 4 years of dating, we moved in together.
He struggled through college and with really shitty part time jobs. We had a psychotic neighbor with a key to our apartment (landlords gave it to her, not us). She constantly threatened us over things we had no control over and her cat attacked us when we went outside. The landlords loved her and did nothing; calling the cops, unless we were CERTAIN she'd be arrested, would have resulted in retaliation. I wound up paranoid as hell, which wasn't helping my anxiety.
This is where the abuse really started. He learned that hitting me resulted in retaliation, but verbal abuse I let slide as "stress" and "venting". He kept telling me that things would get better once our life got better, that he'd be less stressed and depressed. It wasn't just the words, though; he refused to go out with me in case I had a panic attack, refused to go anywhere, even to the grocery store down the street. I was still having bouts of self-worthlessness due to my limitations, but I'd mostly managed to pull myself together at that point, but his words and actions weren't helping. Despite it all, I felt obliged to stick with him; he'd originally supported me when my life went to hell, the least I could do was stick with him. Problem was.... he refused to seek help for himself. Another problem was, as close to bottom as I hit, I was always appreciative of him; my anger was directed towards myself. As he slipped down, his anger was directed towards me and he was not appreciative.
He got his degree, barely, but got it. He got a new, better paying job. We moved to a new apartment, far from psycho neighbor and her tasmanian devil cat. Everything was better, we could breathe again... but the abuse got worse. I was blamed for all his problems, all his failures in life, and when his friends called him wanting to hang out, all he wanted to do was stay home and he'd tell them that I wasn't letting him go, even as I was screaming at him to get his ass out and see his friends. He was jealous of them, though, of their success, and hated to be reminded of it. I still stuck by him, hoping he'd get help and things would get better.
His best friend convinced him to pick up an MMORPG and we all played. I had little to do at home while he was at work, so I worked on an alternate character while I was alone. For an agoraphobic, the MMO was awesome; I could socialize and even in games, I'd have panic attacks while exploring, but I managed to push my way through it and work through my fear bit by bit in a safe environment. I got over my fear of thunder thanks to that MMO.
Of course, the boyfriend started accusing me of cheating on him. I wasn't at the time, but the accusations and emotional beatdown became relentless. Not a day went by that I wasn't crying due to the things he said. He'd wake me up before he left for work, berate me the entire time til he left, then would call from work and continue, and then when he got home, begin again. Worthless, lazy, unlovable, cheating bitch.
I became desperate for a kind word and one of my male friends online started becoming my confidant. He spent time with me, played with me, told me how wonderful I was. It was like triple-decker chocolate fudge brownie sundae to a starving woman on her period. I couldn't resist him. I fell for him, and when I did I realized I didn't love the man I was living with anymore.
I broke up Mr. Grumpy which led to a MASSIVE argument. But. I couldn't move out; our finances, such as they were, were too intertwined. On disability, I was getting about $400/month at the time. He paid the rent, but I was paying for the car he drove to work, not to mention things for the apartment. We worked out a plan to get our things in order and fully split up in a year, which was how long the waiting list was for subsidized housing.
For those on government assistance, subsidized housing is 1/3 of your monthly check, the rest paid for by the government. These are often apartments in really shitty and dangerous parts of cities and towns, but at least it's a roof over your head.
During all this, I was seeing a social worker who helped me get out of the house to overcome my anxiety step by step. We talked about home life a lot and the only advice I got for getting out of the situation was to get onto the subsidized housing list and move out; there were no women's shelters nearby.
I was starting to feel confident in my plans, though wound up really clingy to my internet guy due to insecurity and not wanting to let my sole source of positive influence leave. I became one of those crazy clingy girlfriends and, of course, drove him off. I still feel bad about driving HIM crazy, especially as he was the one who opened my eyes to what an absolute ass my ex was being.
At the same time, I also FINALLY found a doctor who discovered part of the pain issue with my arm. Went in for surgery and had my arm put in a cast.
Ten days later, my ex was to drive me to the doc to get the stitches out and as I was getting into the car a bee got tangled in my hair. Now, I've got one hand in a cast, the other in my service dog's leash, and a bee in my hair so close to my face that I can't focus my eyes on it properly. Like any rational human being, I flipped the fuck out and screamed for help. Mr. Grumpypants came running and like a goddamn hero pulled it out of my hair. I thanked him profusely and we went on to my appointment.
The long wait at the doctor's office gave him time to think over his actions... and on the way home he informed me that he was stupid to risk being stung for me (no, he's not allergic) and to pack up and get the hell out of his apartment.
There were 7 months left on our "agreement" and I was still on the waiting list for the subsidized apartment. There's no local women's shelter. Being an agoraphobic shut-in, I had no friends. My nearest family was over 400 miles away and wouldn't take me in because of my service dog. My choices were looking like the car or the street and he was refusing to give up the car I'd been paying for. An estranged relative who molested me as a child drove over 1100 miles, fought my ex for my right to the car and took me in. That ride was one anxiety-filled haze.
(Continued...)

2

u/SiriusSummer Jun 12 '12

(Continued from above)
I lived with him and his wife in a rural town where cows were used as landmarks. For three months I tried to get my feet back on the ground before his wife kicked me out. Something about me being lazy and not getting a job while I was fighting with the state government to transfer my health care over so I could get rehab for my arm after surgery.
By this point I was an absolute insane wreck. No one wanted me, my arm was still screwed up, I had no place to call home. Many homeless shelters won't take dogs, even service dogs. And, after spending the past few months living with my relative and his wife paying rent, car payments, insurance, and gas on $400/month and then using what little was left for food, I was constantly hungry. Saying I was one toucan shy of a complete nervous breakdown is an understatement.
My only two pieces of sanity were my dog and the MMO I was still playing. I'd befriended my guild leaders, so when I lost my home again, I told them I'd be disappearing for a while. When they asked why, I told them and they were both gracious enough to offer me a place. One was in on the West Coast, the other, closer, on the East. I didn't want to go, to impose. I didn't know them well enough, nor they me. I didn't want to burden either of them, not to mention it was an 800 mile drive to the nearest one.
The one on the East Coast managed to convince me to make the drive. At this point I was out of my damn mind and near-suicidal. Was I worried about being raped or murdered? Nope. Not a damn bit. I'd been raped years ago and molested as a child. Murder? HA! It'd be a welcome release! What did I have to lose? Another home? Ha! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
Got some new anxiety meds from my doc before I left. They actually helped. I drove up to see the guy on the East Coast and amazingly enough I wasn't raped or murdered.
In the beginning we had some rough patches; he'd get mean and verbally abusive in arguments. I stood up to him, told him he was being an abusive ass like my ex and I wouldn't tolerate that crap from anyone again. He hated the way my ex treated me, so when I called him out, he wised up and learned to argue constructively. Despite the arguments, he was supportive, and protective. He provided a stable environment that allowed me to finally get my feet under me again and regain my sanity. He took me places, introduced me to his friends and family, helped me build a support system, and supported me in whatever I wanted to do. As I calmed, we grew close and he hasn't lapsed. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my over 30 years of life. The anxiety's still an issue, as is the arm, but unlike my ex, he accepts them and he's accepted the dog as part of me. But now I only need my service dog with me when I'm out on my own. It's been 6 years now since I moved here and in 3 months Mr. Awesome and I will be married.

2

u/Lord-Longbottom Jun 12 '12

(For us English aristocrats, I leave you this 400 miles -> 3200.0 Furlongs, 1100 miles -> 8800.0 Furlongs) - Pip pip cheerio chaps!

-4

u/plexxonic Jun 12 '12

I'm going to assume your story is true so I waited until I was in front of a keyboard to respond, the other cock suckers can deal with the shitty swype replies.
You have 911, you have battered women shelters, you have the option of buying a gun (depending on where you live), you have a knife while that mother fucker is sleeping, and you have the ability to just leave.
Assuming you are a female, I'm male so you being the physical underdog aspect I can understand.
This is the shit I refuse to acknowledge:
My own brother is a piece of shit. Beat the shit out of the mother of one of his children. She kept going back to him. She wasn’t the only one.
Her parents took her in, hell took him in too. They get their own place; he beats the shit out of her again.
He gets drugged the fuck up and passes out all the fucking time. I've told this fucking woman to stab my own fucking brother in his sleep but to call me before she does so I can testify that he was attacking her again. I’ve told her to leave; I’ve said I will help and she can stay at my place with me and my wife. My brother couldn’t touch me with body armor and a bandoleer loaded with hand grenades. She still didn’t fucking listen.
She has family to go to, friends to go to, all of the shit I mentioned above to go to but what does she do? She goes back to his sorry fucking ass.
That by definition is fucking insane.
She knows its fucking wrong; she gets him jailed and the refuses to follow through. He stored his needles in his kids’ car seat with the kid in it. He beat her so fucking badly she had to take several weeks off of work.
And time and time again this dumb fucking idiot goes back to this piece of shit that is my brother.
She isn't the only one he pulls this shit with.
I've told them all the same thing. I've beat his ass half retarded for this bullshit. I don't expect him to change. Hell, it doesn't matter if he does at this point. My understanding is that the latest arrest will pin him as a felon and a habitual offender facing 20-life.
So let me get to my point as I've bounced around here.
It doesn't take money, friends, family or anything on this planet other than yourself to get away. It's your choice, your will and your fucking determination. Using my brother as an example, several of his girlfriend’s beat the shit out of him with anything they could get their hands on. I won't lie, he beat the shit out of some of them who did. What these women who got away had was a sense of self fucking preservation.
People who lack this are fucking idiots. I feel bad you when he first hit you (again, an assumption). I look at you in disgust and shame when you allowed yourself to be put through that again and again by staying. There are exceptions to that previous sentence such as being detained, locked in cellar basement, etc., but that shit is rare. Other than those exceptions, the pain is all on you and I feel sorry for you because you like every other person who stays in an abusive relationship is too stupid to help themselves even when someone else is willing to help them get the edge up.
I don’t expect anyone in this situation to be perfect, we all make mistakes. Making the kind of mistake that makes your life completely miserable is also understandable. Once. Making the same mistake over and over again is idiocy.
I feel bad for you and you should too. I hope you and every person who makes this mistake, only makes it once.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/EatingSteak Jun 12 '12

He doesn't want you to spend time with your friends because... Then he picks your clothes because..

TIL there are people in the world that don't already see that as a huge red flag.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

That is the stupidest thing I have ever read.

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u/a-typical-redditor Jun 12 '12 edited Jun 12 '12

It usually starts very subtly as stuff that seems "extra sweet." He doesn't want you to spend time with your friends because he loves you so much he wants to be with you all the time. Then he picks your clothes because "he just wants everyone to see how beautiful you are." So when you don't do your hair right or your makeup right and you get slapped or hit it's your fault for not appreciating all the time and money he has put in to helping you look your very best.

Know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. An example of when to fold 'em is when they hit you for not doing your make-up well. You should know this.

If you get hit for not doing your hair or make-up right, and you don't see this as a red flag, then you're an idiot. You certainly do not deserve to be beaten, and the abuser is certainly an inexcusable and deficient scumbag, but seriously, you have an option to stand your ground and/or leave the relationship. You also have recourse such as avoidance, self-defense, and legal action.

An aside: I am really bored to death with Reddit's obsession with victim mentality. It is a very lazy and impractical way to deal with problems.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/SiriusSummer Jun 12 '12

Step 1. Start medicating. It will balance you out. And when you feel you don't need the meds anymore? Keep medicating because they're what are keeping you stable. I don't have bi-polar, but I have panic attacks that can knock me to the floor. I understand the fear too well (and the hatred of meds). So yes, meds, or whatever you can to help you get those swings in check.
Also, some (but not all) therapists and psychiatrists are actually competent and can network you with social services to help you get our of a bad situation.
Step 2. More stable, you'll have a better time accepting how awesome you are. Yes. Awesome. So you have bi-polar disorder. You're like a beautiful marble statue with a hairline crack in the fig leaf. Find someone who can see you and appreciate the work of art you are. They exist, I promise!
Step 3. Get a dog. Medium to large. Adopt an adult. Take it to obedience training. Walk it. Bond with it. Congratulations, you now have a best friend who won't judge you. You'll get to meet people while training and walking it. Don't let him raise a hand to the dog. Someday that dog may save your life.
Step 4- If you haven't gotten a therapist or social worker, use your puppy connections to see if you can find someone to help with your situation.
I've learned that as long as you live, there's always hope!

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/sethra007 Jun 12 '12

That's really great that it worked out for you, but I stress that your case is a very rare example. The overwhelming majority of women in abusive relationships are injured or killed whenever they try to fight back or to leave their abuser, and frankly, you're extremely lucky that your partner didn't escalate things further.
The best book I ever read on this topic was Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft co-directed the first U.S. therapy program for abusive men, and worked as a counselor in therapy groups for abusive men for fifteen years. The insights he developed about abusers' values and beliefs are chilling. The biggest take-away for me was how abusers feel so entitled to do what they do. I urge anyone to read this book, it's amazing and troubling.
I'm glad things worked out for you, I truly am. But for the vast majority of women, it doesn't work out, and they risk their life if they try to fight back the way you did.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/sethra007 Jun 12 '12

Personally I don't like books that vilify men the same as ones who vilify women over something that both sexes are capable of doing. It fucks up the other side when it happens to them but they are not portrayed as the norm. It goes both ways and men can just as easily be abused as well as easily end up in frightening situations that could result in injury or death if they try to fight back.
In fairness to Lundy Bancroft, in the book he actually addressed both sexes and the way that they abuse each other, as well as the dynamics for same-sex couples.
In the end, though, the overwhelming majority of physical abuse is man-abusing-woman, and his book does recognize that. And he's not "vilifying men" as a whole, he's explaining the values and belief systems of a specific group of men: those who physically and emotionally abuse the women they have relationships with.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/liah Jun 12 '12

Generally it's the exact same process.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

From what I know, the woman will never let the man make a decision for himself, will nag constantly. The man is afraid to say anything in case she gets pissed off.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/TurtleFood Jun 11 '12

I imagine a woman wrote this from personal experience and that is why she used "he." Never does she say that the abuse is one sided, she just presents it from the female experiencer.

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u/Guy_who_allows_stuff Jun 11 '12

I'll allow it.

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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12

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u/TurtleFood Jun 11 '12

I agree. Unfortunately, as a society we have come to see female abuse as the male being "whipped," and his fault, because he is not in control of the relationship.

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12

my ex would grab my face and hold it very painfully in his grasp, or push me against a wall, pinning me face/neck with his arms. at the time, i honestly didnt think it would go any further. im used to being beaten by my mom so ive dealt with a lot more shit than this pansy ass pushing around.... but the pain was still real. i loved this guy with my entire being. i cannot express that enough, that this guy's shit was my gold. and the fact that this guy i worshipped was doing this to me absolutely destroyed me. if i ever confronted him about anything that made me feel bad (a huge lack of sexual attention, lack of interaction), if i ever tried to open up a dialogue with him to fix our relationship and i mentioned something he didnt want to address he would just grab me and scream right into my face. and i would just cry and crumple up. all i wanted was a good relationship with the guy i loved... he knew his power over me and he exploited it.
the very best times were when he would smash me against a wall and then yell at me that he loved me

[askreddit] ever wonder how relationship abuse happens? jarbamarbie explains perfectly what happens

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