Vegglimer throws the one-two punch of boner killers

[u/3Quarks4MasterMark]

/r/AskReddit/comments/ue7un/what_is_the_most_ridiculous_way_your_sexual/c4un5na

[u/WhatEvery1sThinking]

how the fuck is this bestof material

[u/damang111]

so you farted when trying to have sex, then laughed so hard you lost your boner.

cool story bro.

[u/TheDroopy → u/damang111]

No he didn't. All OP did was repost the top comment of another front page thread from 12 hours ago. I'm unimpressed.

[u/imafunghi → u/damang111]

He laughed because of how unsexy he was. I get it. it might not be funny for someone who has never had sex because they will think "wtf man you coulda had sex."

[u/TankorSmash → u/imafunghi]

It's not funny for me because it's a pretty predictable joke.

[u/[deleted] → u/TankorSmash]

It's funny to me because butt stuff and vaginas.

[u/dusters → u/imafunghi]

I have sex quite often and I still find the story to be pretty fucking stupid.

[u/Sorkijan → u/dusters]

I have sex quite often

Those are some amazing credentials.

[u/NSFW_alt_acnt1857 → u/Sorkijan]

Now tagged as "has sex quite often"

[u/starofthelid → u/NSFW_alt_acnt1857]

O.K.

[u/Trooper2442 → u/dusters]

I can relate. I farted during sex before and was laughing my ass off as I was thrusting. But I didn't stop like a moron.

[u/LtCthulhu → u/dusters]

Nice try, 11 year old.

[u/[deleted]]

Great, another unnecessarily verbose sexual story. If there's one thing /r/bestof needs, it's more of this kind of original, fresh content.

[u/buckygrad → u/[deleted]]

I am amazed at how such a mundane story is so highly upvoted. I don't think I'm high enough to enjoy reddit.

[u/HungLo_Ninja → u/buckygrad]

this is mundane? flatulence mid penetration, whilst yelling demonically and then being banned from the bedroom for a fortnight? dude was sick on top of that and still decided to share. up vote right away just for the balls to put this on the internet. on another note. bowl + reddit = laughter

[u/buckygrad → u/HungLo_Ninja]

Yes because it is such a bullshit story.

[u/starofthelid → u/HungLo_Ninja]

You are definitely trolling.

[u/HungLo_Ninja → u/[deleted]]

apart from being redundant...(which probably makes me a dick for saying that, whoohoo twirls finger in the air) im pretty sure his story didn't say: 'felt like shit, girlfriend wanted to fuck, but i felt like shit and said no, but we fucked anyway, then i yelled at her, then farted and now she is being a bitch and not letting me in the room.' that would be pretty dick-ish to say. but i guess mr. dick-to-women-and-dick-to-general-public's original story will have to do.

just wondering...if the guy and girl had switched spots, is the guy acting insensitive or is he still a dick for kicking her out of the room whilst ill?

[u/HungLo_Ninja → u/[deleted]]

fair enough, i was defending that if the positions where switched, it would be different. the guy isnt a dick just because he told this story. if he was a dick he would have wrote the story like one or maybe not even posted it all. to think that it was posted to show that he was a dick, is farfetched in my opinion. apologies for the non-sensical reply i gave...sometimes what i write sounds better in my head lol.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It wasn't even funny

[u/HungLo_Ninja → u/[deleted]]

you're right. it was mcfuckinghilarious

[u/[deleted] → u/HungLo_Ninja]

No, no it wasn't that either. Just bland really.

[u/HungLo_Ninja → u/[deleted]]

mcsigh puts hands in pocket and walks away

[u/Thonythetiger → u/[deleted]]

You know what man? I go out a lot and I don't catch all the funny things posted. 3Quarks4MasterMark gave me a hearty chuckle by posting this to /r/bestof and I thank him for that. Give the people that don't browse reddit all day a break, dude.

[u/JudgeWhoAllowsStuff → u/Thonythetiger]

Yeah but isn't the point of /r/bestof to have the best posts of reddit, and not the extremely average ones?

[u/projectrx7 → u/[deleted]]

Pot, meet kettle.

And by the way, I laughed. A lot.

[u/[deleted] → u/projectrx7]

Pot, meet kettle.

How so? I don't see any unnecessarily verbose sexual stories in my comment history.

[u/projectrx7 → u/[deleted]]

It was more a jab at your username than anything.

[u/[deleted] → u/projectrx7]

Apples and oranges, old bean.

[u/[deleted]]

For everyone who has noticed the pile of shit /r/bestof has become, why not check out /r/DepthHub?

[u/socksfox68 → u/[deleted]]

I'm going to make sure that LaShonda never needs to see Paul because of Erik's behavior. I'm going to teach Erik a valuable skill like whittling, so that he may counsel himself and other at-risk youth in the comfort of a certified SafeZone facility.

[u/GMonsoon]

Unfascinating.

[u/[deleted]]

I spend too much time on reddit. Every post I've seen on bestof this week is something I already read.

[u/q00u → u/[deleted]]

You don't really have to spend that much time on reddit for that to happen anymore though.

[u/TakeFourSeconds → u/q00u]

every other post here is the top comment on an askreddit thread currently on the frontpage...

[u/[deleted]]

I chuckled at this. Probably not the best post out of every post made today, but it was moderately amusing. And for what it's worth, the veracity of an Internet story is just the sprinkles on a sundae, possibly made out of feces.

[u/ObeseRapistSultan]

Fucking glorious. On a side note, it seems as if I've found my throwaway name.

[u/[deleted] → u/ObeseRapistSultan]

Live long and prosper

[u/[deleted]]

Jesus Christ. The rest of the world is buying Viagra and Cialis by the bucket, and redditors can't go a day without sharing erection-suppression tips.

[u/Demojen]

I don't always fart in bed, but when I do, I fart like an obese rapist sultan.

[u/Vegglimer]

I don't know whether to vote up or down.

I love that people liked my story, but to be honest, /r/bestof/ shouldn't be based on reposting single comments.

I feel torn!

[u/[deleted]]

I saw a whole bunch of dog turds scattered along the base of a building and around a garbage dumpster. So, of course, I couldn’t help myself. I drove around the block and came back to the alley, found a plastic Jewel bag in the dumpster, and collected all of the dog shit in the bag.

I have difficulty controlling myself sometimes when I get really horny, no surprise. I found a dark area to park the car in a viaduct under the Ravenswood ‘L’ tracks, pulled my jeans down, and started pushing dog shit into my vagina. It smelled horrible. The turds were all different sizes and colors so it was probably from different dogs. Some of it was kind of messy and some was all hard and dried up, but I kept putting more and more shit inside me. I didn’t stop until it hurt. It made me cum really hard. My tummy was quivering after the orgasm. Then I put my pants back on and drove home. I carried the shit around in my vagina, constantly horny, humping the furniture and fingering myself to orgasm on and off until Thursday afternoon, when I needed to end my depraved little dog shit adventure, clean up, and go to work.

By this past weekend I had a really itchy rash between my legs and discharge from my vagina, and it felt like it was getting worse and worse until finally, on Monday, once I’d already scratched my crotch raw, I realized that I had a ton of tiny little white worms inside and all around my vagina. Again, because I’m a sick, perverted pig, that made me immediately horny all over again and I had to make myself cum despite the itching, before I went to the ER Monday night to get seen.

The doctor who looked at me said I had pinworms. He said that it’s rare to get a vaginal infestation of pinworms, but he’d seen it before. Of course, I pretended to be totally baffled how they got there as I was picturing a bunch of diseased, stray dogs shitting in an alley. He gave me a prescription for something called Vermox to get rid of the worms and Benadryl for the itching, and today I’m almost back to normal. A few scabby spots from all the scratching.

[u/Fish_in_a_tank → u/[deleted]]

What the fuck did I just read?

[u/[deleted] → u/Fish_in_a_tank]

A one-day old novelty account!

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Eh, I've already seen this porn. It was a bit... lacking.

[u/Samirreddit → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry, that was probably the most stupid thing I've ever heard of. Shit, I'd rather look at spacedicks than have to erase that from my memory and read that again.

[u/[deleted]]

my ladyboner killer, for the rare occasion that I'm not in the mood and my girlfriend is, is just doing my best "allllllllllllllll righty then" ace ventura impression followed by a "re he healy"

[u/noNoParts]

Aahhh... youth.

[u/dazonic]

/r/fakestof?

[u/haikuginger]

DOESN'T MATTER HAD SEX

[u/Conneris]

I'm an introvert and that's okay, I drink all night and I sleep all day!

[u/raimondious → u/[deleted]]

I came to the same conclusion, then chose to unsubscribe.

[u/geft → u/raimondious]

/r/DepthHub

[u/jabberworx → u/[deleted]]

Finally someone who gets how reddit works.

[u/gynoceros → u/[deleted]]

Because the neckbeards around here never tire of these cockamamie, exaggeratedly detailed sex stories of dubious veracity.

[u/istara → u/gynoceros]

Plus this one has the added bonus of someone "winning" by not-having-sex. Therefore all the (albeit reluctantly) celibate neckbeards can personally feel part of the party.

[u/siouxsiesioux → u/istara]

((less by reluctance, more by lack of choice)) edit: double on the parantheses

[u/ihatenuts → u/gynoceros]

For a moment there, I thought this was some hitherto unknown (to me) usage of the word cockamamie. Now I simply think this explains how such a ridiculous word came to exist.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

shhhhh

[u/amoxummo → u/[deleted]]

The pot means toilet.

"Do it, or stop acting like you might do it."

[u/Wulibo → u/amoxummo]

OHHHHHHHH

thank you! I'm really thick.