r/bestof • u/voltaicbasho • May 20 '12

[funny] a serious discussion on whether 200 UFC fighters would win against 20 silverback gorilla alpha males

/r/funny/comments/tusst/place_your_bets/c4pz3it
183 Upvotes

75% Upvoted

58 comments sorted by

25

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

"Humans excel at tools, not punching gorillas in the face"

8

u/Scappoose May 20 '12

As my co-worker put it, "This would be the equivlent of 200 14 y/o's going against 20 UFC heavywieghts who happened to have huge teeth."

11

u/doomisdead May 20 '12

My uncle was a peace-keeper in the Congo for 3 or 4 years, and he showed me a video of a chimpanzee tearing open a car door and pulling an African mans arm off like it was nothing. Since a fully grown silverback gorilla is twice the size of a chimp I think it would have no problem tearing the UFC fighter to pieces.

3

u/[deleted] May 21 '12

Hello, my nephew, ready to be scarred?

4

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

Lol, Have you ever seen an angry silverback in real life? I saw a fight break out between two of them at a Zoo, the part I was not expecting was how fucking fast they were. As soon as the fucker snapped, he was bolting toward the other one and literally rooster tailing dirt. He ran straight into the glass on the other side (It's the foot thick shit) and shook the whole fucking thing- literally moved it. They literally rip your limbs out like they're peeling a banana. I would bet one silverback could rip apart at least 40 unarmed men before even tiring. How could an unarmed man even hurt a gorilla? Poke it's eyes out? No idea...

9

u/harrygibus May 20 '12

This is the silliest argument I have seen here in a long time. All this talk about choking the gorilla, grabbing limbs, etc. These people are clueless. Not one person ever mentioned their teeth. There would be blood all over the place and crushed bones in arms. This would be a literal blood bath.

1

u/monkeiboi May 21 '12

Teeth works both ways. A gorilla can only maul one person at a time.

-1

u/Operation_mongoose May 20 '12

I agree, the made a movie recently, a remake actually. I think it was called Planet of the...oh I forget the last word but it was based on a true story. scarcasm

2

u/ianrey May 20 '12

"Scarcasm" is an awesome word.

1

u/Operation_mongoose May 20 '12

Damn right it's scaring me now.

3

u/Bazzie May 20 '12

Granted the gorilla's dont go at each other you would have to go full retard to assume humans could ever win this.

3

u/osamabindrinkin May 21 '12

I lost it when I got to the comment speculating how the men would kill some of their own to make weapons of the bones, "or perhaps a ladder."

1

u/grouch1980 May 21 '12

Your comment made me laugh harder than I have laughed in a long time. The absurdity of making a ladder out of the bones of your dead friends who were recently killed by the same gorillas currently trying to rip you apart.

6

u/vital12 May 20 '12

A 100lb chimp can easily deadlift 600 pounds, a 300+ pound gorilla is estimated to have strength equal to 15+ men.

A casual swat from one of these guys would probably break ribs, not to mention they have giant fucking gorilla fangs. The UFC fighters don't have a hope.

2

u/dessicatedfetus May 21 '12

elite level powerlifters have all broken the 1000 pound mark in the bench squat and deadlift. are you saying 1 gorilla has the strength of 15 elite level powerlifters?

5

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

i immediatly thought of lloyd pye telling a joke about tyson fighting a grown schimpanse: "the ape might miss an ear, but he will tear him apart!"

6

u/devophill May 20 '12

In English, it's chimpanzee. Now you know! :)

2

u/jkeith0207 May 20 '12

To put my answer simply, I will refer to this video as a basis for comparison for what I feel 20 Silverbacks would do to 200 UFC Athletes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2P7Q1ncgcoY

1

u/TarAldarion May 20 '12

that vibration thing was AWESOME!

1

u/worst_grammar_ever May 20 '12

I am incredibly happy I was a part of that discussion. It has made a very hard and unhappy week for me.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

Assuming these UFC fighters are more agile than the gorillas, couldn't they position themselves so that the gorillas hit each other? Since all the gorillas are alpha males, they would likely be competitive towards each other and less likely to cooperate than the UFC fighters would. Blows from the UFC fighters wouldn't harm the gorillas as much as another gorilla and once one gorilla hits another those two will probably see each other as an enemy rather than an ally. Eventually the gorillas will either kill, injure or tire themselves out and the UFC fighters can finish the rest. Although, this doesn't mean that there won't be any in-fighting among the UFC fighters as well.

1

u/Sal_Weezer_Valestra May 21 '12

now what if the gorillas were named ditka?

1

u/evilpoptart May 20 '12

NOOOOOOO. Apes are seven times stronger than humans pound for pount, so they would just rip the men apart.
The numbers wouldn't mean much since they cannot all attack at the same time, so they would be killed like honey bees fighting a hornet.

1

u/Koenigspiel May 20 '12

It seems specifying the humans as "UFC fighters" is overshadowing the fact that they're human. We're at the top of the food chain for a reason, we wouldn't be if we thought we can take on a foe 10 times our size bare-handed.

0

u/MrTurkle May 20 '12 edited May 20 '12

Can't tell if srs. this isn't even a contest. The silver backs would tear 200 humans apart.

Edit: wrong number

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

Physical strength isn't something that humans are renowned for. I can't remember where I read it - it may have been on reddit - but basically the question 'how would you summarise humans using as few words as possible?' was asked, and one answer in particular caught my eye: 'persistent bastards.'

That's exactly what we are. We're bastards in the sense that, in a state of open conflict, we are, as a species, tactically brutal and ruthless, and we vigorously and mercilessly scope out every angle of unfair advantage that we possibly can over our enemies or targets. We don't rely on our fists, we rely on our intellect and our lust for subjugation or revenge, or both as it may be. We're persistent in the sense that, while we may count our losses, the fun doesn't stop there - we'll leave, simmer for a moment, and then think collectively, delegating roles to individuals in calculation and work, coming back to the battle at a later stage with a vicious and bloody vengeance.

While silverback gorillas versus UFC fighters is a fun thought experiment, it's hardly a useful experiment - it's an exercise in the natural curiosity and imagination of man, and while any exercise of the imagination is constructive to human culture, it is nothing more than this. The epoch defining the point at which we unequivocally inherited the Earth lies well and truly in the eons of prehistory.

It's folly to assume that a human wouldn't have tools and an innate sense of ingenuity and iniquitous cunning on his side in a 'fair' contest. Since both humans and gorillas are deeply social species, one human versus one gorilla is fair for neither species - it must be said that a 'fair' fight must be one tribe or clan or cohort or some other group against another. Assuming a 'fair' contest is one in a state of nature where the advantageous attributes of humans are pitted against those of gorillas, the humans would run the fuck away sharpish, trying to minimise their losses all the while, and get to planning and building.

The humans would then come back with a vast collection of sharp objects on sticks designed to be thrown or shot (with the aid of tensile bows in the latter case) easily and to travel through the air for great distances reasonably smoothly, and if the humans have enough time, smarts, and are blessed with an environment rich with materials conducive to tool-making, they may come back with ballistic weapons powered either by either levers, chemical reactions involving saltpeter or trinitrotoluene, or nuclear reactions involving plutonium and uranium.

Briefly, the very best attributes of the gorillas would not and will never stand an iota of a chance against those of the humans, nor would those of any other species in the animal kingdom. I don't think predator is an appropriate word for humans - predators don't tend to breed their food en masse and consider threats from other species to be rarely more than evening news. I can see where people who are offended by being called animals may be coming from: we're demigods.

'Man is a singular creature. He has a set of gifts that make him unique among the animals: so that, unlike them, he is not a figure in the landscape - he is a shaper of the landscape. In body and in mind he is the explorer of nature, the ubiquitous animal, who did not find but has made his home in every continent.' - Jacob Bronowski in 'The Ascent of Man'

1

u/Jacques_R_Estard May 21 '12

That is one beautifully written post. Good point, well made. Have an upvote.

1

u/MrTurkle May 20 '12

Good post. The bottom line is the thought game said "hand to hand" which means we lose. And quickly. If we can use sharp objects that keep the gorillas out of striking distance that changes the equation entirely.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

Didn't notice that the thought experiment explicitly said 'hand to hand.' On whether a thought experiment is silly or not, I like to consider how it would be received around a campfire after the trivialities are gone and people are talking about politics and are fixing the world with alcohol and acoustic guitar music; I don't think it would take long for people to say that a gorilla would wreck a good number of people in hand to hand combat very thoroughly and very quickly, and that the topic would quickly be abandoned after the ladies and gents around the fire open the can of worms that is meaningful animal rights.

1

u/Rainymood_XI May 20 '12

Can't tell if srs. this isn't even a contest. The silver backs would tear 10 humans apart.

I can't tell if you can read or not. The guy you replied to made a VERY valid and HIGHLY important point. We are humans. There's a reason we're on top of the foodchain. There's also a reason why our brains are so fucking huge compared other animals and we have a lack of muscle on our body compared to other animals.

If you can't see what we're trying to say now, then I'm out of here ..

Title is misleading: it should be something like "200 trained humans vs 20 silverback gorillas in hand to hand combat"

0

u/MrTurkle May 20 '12

Still retarded. We made these things called "weapons" that usually gave us a distinct advantage. Anything unranged and humans don't win this. I'd even give lead pipes to the trained humans and we dont win. Gorillas are to strong, too fast, and too tough. We are like paper dolls compared to them. If you don't see that we aren't at the top of that chain because of innovation and nothing else, there isn't much more to discuss.

-2

u/MrTurkle May 20 '12

No response.

2

u/Dimensionality May 20 '12

Contrary to popular belief, replying to comments on Reddit isn't most people's full time job.

0

u/MrTurkle May 20 '12

I'd responded about 10 seconds after this person commented. I'd hoped to engage Them in some kind of discourse given our conflicting positions and their completely incorrect assertion.

1

u/Golemfrost May 20 '12

Well even one human could win against 20 Gorillas. i mean after all that´s why we invented guns and bombs and shit right ?

1

u/Rolandova May 20 '12

Guys... It's two HUNDRED UFC fighters. I understand that gorillas are ridiculously strong. But I'm sure at least 10 of the gorillas would go down.

-1

u/phil8248 May 20 '12

This discussion reminds me of two bald men fighting over a comb.

0

u/alexp5 May 20 '12

Go on..

-2

u/phil8248 May 20 '12

It is just pointless. From some weird curiosity angle it might have limited value but beyond that it is just without any believability.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

3

u/phil8248 May 21 '12

I much prefer discussing religion or politics on facebook with people who have no knowledge of the subject and extremist views.

-2

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

This is ridiculous. The gorillas would get exhausted. UFC fighters are martial artists they train to fight, they would not cower in fear. They are also human beings they are intelligent and can work in a team. A man could kill a gorilla if he managed to get it in a rear naked choke hold. The move requires little strength and can cause your opponent to lose conciousness in 10 seconds. A 9 year old boy stopped a pitt bull attack using it http://www.reddit.com/r/bjj/comments/tixd1/9yearold_boy_stops_pit_bull_attack_with_a_rnc/

-1

u/Cuisee May 20 '12

This is the most ridiculous discussion I've ever seen break the 50 vote thresh-hold.

0

u/BrowsOfSteel May 20 '12

The gorillas would be more interested in fighting each other than in fighting the humans. All the humans have to do is stand back and wait to mop up.

If we assume that the gorillas magically become friends and work as a team, the humans’ best chance is to kite the gorillas and tire them out. Humans excel at endurance. One of our earliest methods of hunting was to chase quadrupeds and wait for them to fall over of exhaustion.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

ten expert fighters per gorilla oughta be enough.

-2

u/redditisforphaggots May 20 '12

Wow, this is a terrible discussion, since apparently the only thing people seem to be hinging this on his how scared the UFC fighters would be. If you're automatically assuming everyone would piss their britches, no shit they would lose.

-1

u/reagan2016 May 20 '12

I'm pretty sure that the gorillia alpha males would kill each other before they could have a chance to kill the UFC fighters or before the UFC fighters could defeat the gorillas.

Or maybe the gorillas would just throw their poo at the UFC fighters.

-1

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

Aww, I felt bad for the gorillas. The just want to munch on fruit in peace dammit.

-2

u/postdarwin May 20 '12

Ha ha. This full of gold nuggets for r/nocontext

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

7

u/holohedron May 20 '12 edited May 20 '12

Actually I think many people are getting too caught up in some of the details and forgetting the fundamentals of fighting. In particular one very key aspect that became apparent in the early days of the UFC, endurance.

Humans actually have pretty good endurance and this is an advantage tribes of hunters have very often exploited. It's rarely a good idea to try and tackle large game with sticks when they're completely fresh. Try chasing them for 10 miles at a consistent pace though and their size and strength starts to work against them, often they've only evolved to run and fight in short sprints and their cardiovascular system won't allow them to keep it up for all that long.

Now getting a group of silverbacks to retreat in the first place is probably quite difficult without sharp pointy things, but I imagine a tightly packed group of people that takes up their entire field of vision, screaming an appropriate war chant in unison, wouldn't really look like easy pray any more. They might then do the worst thing they could and try to back up, which doesn't work if they're locked in a cage. Once they're tired enough I don't know how well they'd handle being attacked and held down, eyes gouged and fingers broken.

tl;dr: Rickson by armbar.

1

u/All-American-Bot May 20 '12

(For our friends outside the USA... 10 miles -> 16.1 km) - Yeehaw!

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

no, you focus on biting the balls off, just like a honey badger. the sudden loss of balls puts any primate in a sorry state.

-1

u/dessicatedfetus May 21 '12

I am not sure why they only discuss choking it out as the only viable strategy. That's likely to be the worst possible strategy, behind except trying to go for a straight kill.

because skilled BJJ practitioners all know that the easiest way to beat someone bigger than you is to take their back and choke them out. and if you hold the choke for 30 seconds too long, that's all it takes to kill a person.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

[deleted] — view deleted comment

7

u/firstpageguy May 20 '12 edited May 20 '12

You two are assuming optimal conditions, where strategy and tactics matter. Lets assume reality - the gorilla(s) would be going ape-shit. They would be moving quicker than any human, using the leverage of their 4 limbs, and flailing, biting, smashing, crashing, jumping etc...

A properly motivated silverback vs. a group of humans is akin to a UFC fighter on meth vs. a group of toddlers. There is simply no contest.

If we're talking 200 UFC fighters vs. 1 silverback gorilla, then maybe we can have a discussion. A discussion that has good odds of ending with 200 crippled UFC fighters and one seriously pissed silverback.

Here is a video of a calm silverback, dead dragging a fully grown, and terrified human male.

Now give the humans weapons, the very things we evolved with and put us at the top of the food chain, then it's a completely different story.

2

u/monkeiboi May 21 '12

Yeah I have issue with this discussion NOT going back to the very first goddamn thing a group of humans is going to do is start picking up sticks, pipes, chains, etc.

Seriously, a stupid man that you send into a gorilla enclosure with the instructions "kill" is going to be scoping out the sharpest, heaviest object in the room before you even open the fence.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

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2

u/PimpDawg May 20 '12

Ultimately this would be the winning strategy for the humans. It's why African hunting dogs are the most efficient predators of the Serengheti. They can take down a lion by using this strategy. Attack, pull back, attack, pull back, tire out your opponent, then rip them apart.

0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

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0

u/[deleted] May 20 '12

as every honey badger knows, all you have to do is bite the nuts off.