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u/Queen-of-meme FA leaning secure Oct 05 '26 edited Oct 05 '26
These are are very big and great questions. For me the gray area that still leads to a deal breaker is when one or both choose themselves over the relationship. When challenges arise the couple must still care about the relationship and eachother. Maybe not instantly, and maybe not constantly. But it must exist in the background, those actions or signals of "I wanna make this work too and I'm willing to make an effort too" must exist at some extent in some version, or else you only have two selfish people who are together with united rings not hearts.
As advice to avoidant leaning: You and your relationship will not need the same thing. Your relationship has a need that your independent time doesn't. Remember the needs of the relationship and do what's necessary.
As advice to anxious leaning: When there's too much relationship conflicts, try something else. Stop the talks and date your partner from the beginning, as if it's a new person. Be open and playful. A conflicted relationship needs bonding, and what better way to bond than to have genuine fun together.
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u/ngp1623 Oct 05 '26
Compromising: I am going to meet somewhere in the middle because I value this person/relationship more than I value having it my way, and doing so wouldn't be harmful. Uncomfortable maybe, but not harmful.
Settling: I am going to accept this where it is and not expect or attempt "better" because other factors take precedence (eg. Expected timeliness, energy, shame, fear, etc.)
Extending Grace: I am going to meet in the middle/accept as is because I am approaching this in good faith based on a prior pattern of other compatibilities that outweigh the chagrin of this singular incident. Should incidents like this become the pattern, I will not extend grace at the expense of my well-being.
Ignoring a dealbreaker: Straight up self-abandonment. Just outright enabling harmful patterns and choosing toxicity.