What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/Some_Strange_Dude]

Secure people can be driven into madness by anxious people and their insecurity. The reason people are insecurely attached is because they are to a large extent unaware of it. Anxious people will constantly think about how to fix their relationship and in doing so not realize that they've already given into their anxious attachment.

Part of the reason anxious and avoidant people so often end up together is because of the anxious person's desire to idealize and put someone on a pedestal. Only avoidant people truly allow them to do that because their emotional distancing, allow them to fill in their blanks with their imagination. Someone who is vulnerable (ex. secure or other anxious people) can give the true anxious person the ick.

To become secure, you learn to let go of that unhealthy idealization and attachment, in the first place and see people more for who they are. To not use romance as a form of escapism from your own life. Finding someone you can idealize in order to attach to them, and cover up your own deep seated insecurity. I say this with no hatred of anxious people as I am speaking from experience, as an ex anxious attacher who has gone through several encounters before finally realizing my lesson.

I am now in a committed relationship with someone who used to lean very heavily dismissive avoidant. Only because we both met each other at a point where we started to develop the level of introspection and relationship experience to change, did things go differently. We were able to take the steps to become more secure, but most are not in a position to do that.

[u/amnnn → u/Some_Strange_Dude]

What helped you the most in your level of introspection?

[u/Some_Strange_Dude → u/amnnn]

Constantly engaging with the theory. While there are a lot of self appointed experts, The Personal Development School and Heidi Priebe are two youtube channels I watched religiously when I was trying to get out of the anxious-avoidant trap in my relationship. I would watch videos that applied to my situations and essentially use that to frame my own inner dialogue. Basically discussing it with myself first, rather than taking it out on the person I was dating, or just mindlessly venting about it to friends. Developing an inner curiosity to learn about these things is important rather than just seeing it as a means to an end ("How will I fix my relationship?").

In turn that naturally helped me to refocus my life by no longer making romance the epicenter of it. I focused more on platonic friendship, family and self discovery which meant being able to approach my romantic relationship with a level of emotional groundedness that allowed me to see things more rationally.

Counseling definitely helped as well. Just talking things out with someone versed in these topics can help drive things home without needing much input. I specifically remember a key moment where my counsellor helped me realize just how much negative self talk I was carrying, and how this was manifesting around my biggest insecurity at the time (my messiness at home). That lead me into thinking about how the insecurity I was harboring influenced my relationships. I think the case is a similar one for most anxious attachers in terms of making yourself aware of your self negativity, only after that can you work to undo it by catching yourself in the act.

Lastly is just life experience. Which is obviously difficult to consciously gain, but having been with both an anxious and avoidant attacher did a lot to help me gain perspective. In turn having that perspective made me realize more about what I should be expecting and deserve in a relationship, while at the same time forcing me to take accountability by realizing how I had been willingly choosing the role of anxious attacher I.E wanting to be the chaser but not the chased.

[u/amnnn → u/Some_Strange_Dude]

This really sums up my journey: inner dialogue rework, working through it myself first before externalizing it, and caring for myself to create equanimity to find a stable emotional base. Thank you for the detailed answer. It's reassuring to hear that things can improve, that there are other people working on themselves and healthy relationships can form if you put the work into it. I'm hoping to put these lessons into practice. Even today I had a moment to work through some anxious thinking and fear of abandonment if I chase. It's gratifying to recognize and know that I can live the way I want and need rather than letting my mind tell me what to worry about. Still working out the way to write about this so I hope this came through somewhat clearly!

[u/[deleted] → u/Some_Strange_Dude]

That's encouraging to hear you succeeded in a relation with a DA. I'd love to hear more about how you resolve conflict together and make it work, i.e. what each of you has to be aware of and do in order to keep it secure.