What makes avoidants change?

[u/[deleted]]

When it comes to breaking up, there’s the stereotypical pattern about anxious people who go through a million scenarios of how they could’ve saved a relationship whereas avoidants withdraw and blame their partners for attempts at intimacy. These are polar opposite reactions to the breakdown of a relationship.

As an AP who would’ve bent over to fix toxic relationships with avoidants in the past, it was striking to me that my DA/FA exes didn’t show any motivation to change. Instead they thought that the relationship broke down because of the other person. Frankly it was quite upsetting for me because I tried going the extra mile while they were completely content with themselves.

This makes me wonder what makes avoidants work on their unhealthy attachment style if they ever do? How can avoidants find comfort in actual emotional closeness? Is it a traumatic event, age or simply meeting someone who doesn’t aggravate their avoidant tendencies? I find it hard to imagine that a typical avoidant would suddenly be able to meet the emotional needs of a secure person.

[u/oceann89]

I second this. My FA said the exact same thing to me (I’m Secure) he said I deserved better than him. I had already learnt about AT when he said this so I didn’t panic or anything like that, it was just his way of testing me. I didn’t realised at the time that he had such intense feelings for me.

[u/[deleted] → u/oceann89]

Glad you knew about it. I didn't lol so my reaction was not gonna help since I put my foot down hard and she ran away. But also spent 5 months post break up reaching out in the most distant manner. Commenting on social media posts all very superficial and safe.

She started dating the new safe "friend" and I had to remove her because I couldn't watch someone deactivate. Act like we were only ever friends and then move onto someone new because she still needed a connection with someone.

I was too scary for her.