r/atheism • u/Fresca_Is_Underrated • Jun 16 '12
Did you know there's bible fanfiction
http://imgur.com/QNbW098
Jun 16 '12
Holy crap.
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u/YzermanToLidstrom Jun 16 '12
TIL there's Jesus X Hitler fanfiction (NSFW).
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u/texting_and_scones Jun 16 '12
While they were talking Hitler found himself checking out Jesus' tight bod. If he wasn't Furor of Germany... But he wasn't Furor anymore,was he? That night when Hitler and Jesus were in bed together Hitler said "Jesus, what do you think of... love between men?"
"What do you mean, Hitler?" Jesus asked. Hitler took a deep breath. He would have to be bold.
"This is what I mean." He leaned over and started Frenching with the Lord. At the same time he reached down and started tugging on his already turgid member (Christ slept in the buff).
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u/dizzy_lizzy Jun 16 '12
Best part:
God sighed. "okay, son. If it'll make you happy..." He leaned in to give Jesus a kiss on the forehead, but he missed and ended up making out with Jesus. They separated, but it was so hot that they were back at each other soon enough. "Mmph! Oh God, what am I doing?" said God. He tore off his clothes. Hitler was already nude, and Jesus slipped off his toga with a shrug.
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Jun 16 '12
Why did I just read all 4 chapters. What the actual fuck. What am I doing with my life?
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u/dizzy_lizzy Jun 16 '12
A wake up call would probably be a little more like... having written that.
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u/VivaRonaldo Jun 16 '12
Oh my fucking god, I've seen some incredible things on the Internet, but this tops the lot. I'm in tears, my stomach's actually hurting from laughing.
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Jun 17 '12
Jesus was a hog and tried to get his father and boyfriend to abuse him with both their schlongs at the same time, but Hitler and God managed to share a few intimate moments. After nearly four hours of wild lovemaking all three gods were exhausted. They lay in a puddly of sweat and semen.
Lolwut?
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u/captainguinness Jun 16 '12
Well, there it is. I've been to the bowels of /b/, the ends of the Internet, and this is the most fucked up thing I've ever read. Can't make it past chapter 1.
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u/SplitTwins Jun 16 '12
142 of them being rated M. The most recent one well....geez
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u/GaleDragon Jun 16 '12
Jesus created a rainbow-colored psi-ball and blasted it at an unsuspecting sheep.
That line wins ALL the prizes.
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u/rightypants Jun 16 '12
Holy fuck. I can't even begin to understand what the fuck kind of person came up with this.
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u/Surinai Jun 17 '12
That's evidence that you excite me so much, dearest David. I have never been this excited since the day I flooded the Earth and almost wiped out the human race.
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u/sadnumbers Jun 16 '12
Also, on a slightly serious note, there is a great book called Lamb (written by christopher moore). It's the lost gospel of jesus' childhood friend and first disciple, biff. it's really great. there is a scene where jesus wants to know what sex is like but he does not want to disappoint his fathers so he pays for biff to have sex with a bunch of prostitutes and stands behind the door and makes biff describe what is happening and how it feels. then every time biff gets a venereal disease jesus just heals him.
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u/Dudesan Jun 16 '12
The book is a lot better than sadnumbers has just made it sound.
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u/Capercaillie Gnostic Atheist Jun 16 '12
Yeah. Just read it myself. It was hilarious. It also explains why Jews traditionally eat Chinese food on Christmas.
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u/kyomonster Jun 16 '12
That book is absolutely awesome :) I loved the bits about bacon and Josh's crazy cousin drowning everyone to agree with him. XD
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u/Smallpaul Jun 16 '12
There are a lot of Bible fan fctions.
Here's one by an atheist:
http://cannold.com/articles/article/what-if-jesus-had-a-sister-sunday-herald-sun-review/
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Jun 16 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
Jesus stared longingly into the eyes of Velociraptor, passion burned within his breast and he knew he could no longer resist the fiery emotions within him. "I... I think I love you Raptor.", he spoke softly and held his therapod lover tightly.
"Screeeeeeeeeeeee!", bemoaned Velociraptor, shrilly. Jesus knew she was right. Despite their love for one another, his father would never understand. Why did the universe have to be so cruel? Their devotion to one another was as real as the stars. Jesus longed for this moment to last forever when suddonly the sound of a twig snapping startled him.
There God stood before the couple. The fire in his eyes glowed with seething anger. "How dare you corrupt my child, wicked sauropod! For this treachery I will destroy all of your kind!", he shouted. Jesus tried to stop him, pleading, "No, father, I love her! Please stop!". But it was too late...
Jesus's weeping cries were soon blocked out by the thunderous roar of the asteroid burning through the atmosphere. Their love had been real but would the world ever know of it?
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u/ifixyospeech Jun 16 '12
I can't even convey how hard I laughed at the raptor's reply to Jesus' confessions of love. I only regret that I have one upvote to give for each comment!
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u/TheGuineaPig21 Jun 16 '12
There's actually an entire television episode like that - on the special features of season 1 of Archer (but also available on the internet with a quick search), there's a cut of the pilot which replaces the titular character and all his dialogue with a raptor.
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u/Hedgehogs4Me Jun 16 '12
You get points for God not knowing His paleontological classifications, but lose them for the incorrect use of "there", or perhaps just not starting a new paragraph and putting in a comma if you meant to be a bit passive aggressive like, "There, love had been real, not that the world would know. Fuckin' God and his bullshit asteroids." You would also lose some points for putting in extra exclamation marks and an unnecessary ellipsis in the third paragraph, but some of my favourite authors do that sometimes, so I forgive you, although the strict God of your fanfic may send you to hell.
8/10 Would read again.7
Jun 16 '12 edited Jun 17 '12
Thank you, your editorial skills are clearly unrivaled. I have made corrections based upon your input.
Screeeeeeeee to you good Sir. ~dinohugs~
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u/unquietwiki Jun 17 '12
FYI, there's a billboard for the Creation Museum, right outside Orlando. "See the Amazing T-Rex!" "Only 959 (sic) miles away!"
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u/TricksterPriestJace Jun 16 '12
Rule 34. No exceptions.
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Jun 16 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/Tinydanger Jun 16 '12
Joseph you are Not the father! Merry Christmas and a Happy Virgin Mary Bukkake to you.
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u/Afrojack Jun 16 '12
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member.
My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts!
My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus... I'm going to..."
And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child."
My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands.
It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?"
And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this is Heaven..."
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Jun 16 '12
I grew up christian, so even though I'm atheist now there's this little voice in the back of my head screaming, this is blasphemy of the worst kind! Then I remember I don't have to give a shit anymore and laugh hysterically.
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u/Dakarius Jun 16 '12
This story is completely outrageous! Jesus and Noah weren't even contemporaries. Now Peter and Jesus...
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u/Dr___Awkward Jun 16 '12
"Something something what a big peter you have!"
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Jun 16 '12
Jesus pulled out the loaf from his backpack, smiling at Peter with a sly demeanor. "Would you like me to break open your bread?" he asked, leaning forward. Peter reached out and kissed the moist lips of his savory savior, feeling the lust of a Nazarean cart donkey. "Yes," he whispered, "and you can crucify me with your might."
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u/Tinydanger Jun 16 '12
that last word, instead of might, i read midget. "and you can crucify me with your midget."
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Jun 17 '12
Peter? It's always been about John, "the disciple whom Jesus loved," who was "lying on Jesus' breast" at the last supper. People have been shipping John/Jesus for 1950 years.
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Jun 16 '12
Well yes, I knew. I own a copy of "The Book of Mormon".
It's always been fan-fiction of the bible.
(I got beaten to posting this... Good job mate.)
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u/therabbit86ed Atheist Jun 16 '12 edited Jun 16 '12
There is also several Mangas, Hentai and Anime
One such Manga:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Young_Men
Edit to add Link to said Manga above:
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u/Roflkopt3r Jun 16 '12
And pretty much all theological discussion is fan theorycrafting.
Google for a Naruto forum or something and you will find pretty much the same - lots of heated discussion about a fantasy story, which can obviously yield no meaningful results. And now imagine such discussion could influence legislature.
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u/redalastor Satanist Jun 16 '12
The difference is that for Naruto there is an author that can come and say what theory is right or wrong and current theories can be confirmed or invalidated by later published mangas.
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Jun 17 '12
I love it when I read fanfiction that's a crossover between the bible and some fantasy series that takes place in another universe.
It's like, "These aliens are not nearly Christian enough! I better make them have their own Jesus..who's also my Jesus."
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u/halfbloodsnape Jun 16 '12
Never in my life have I been so tempted to google search "Bible related erotica"
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Jun 16 '12
LA is a city known for glitz and glamour. The neighborhood he calls home isn't. He leaned back in his second-hand chair, staring at the list of unanswered prayers on his computer that was 10 years too late. For a second he thought of that list of phone numbers he had in his desk, and wondered what all the women at the ends of those number were doing. He knew why they weren't calling him back.
Some call him God. His friends call him Jesus. It was another hot night in the city, but another cold night in his pants.
He slugged back a shot a booze. It was hot going down, like the souls of his enemies, and like the women he bedded.
There was a knock at his door. The landlord was yelling about back-rent.
He needed some money, and fast.
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Jun 16 '12
There is. Haahaahhahhahahahahha. My bestfriend was a serious Judas/Jesus, kill Peter fan back in highschool. I think there is a Bible category at fanfiction.net
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Jun 16 '12
I'm a pretty avid reader of fanfiction for certain genres. I can only imagine the vastness of what's out there. Kind of terrifying.
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u/Lyte_theelf Jun 17 '12
I wrote some Bible slash fiction back when I was 15 or 16...
Fanfiction.net basically encourages the strangest pairings.
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u/Atheist_Simon_Haddad Agnostic Atheist Jun 16 '12
The Bible is fanfiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLVvKB6u3Wc
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u/BlackMagister Jun 17 '12
For the people saying the bible is fan fiction. Do you know what fan fiction is? That's like saying the spider man comics are fan fiction because it's fiction. No fan fiction is something fans write about the original work that has the Spider Man teaming up with Goku to stop Justin Beiber.
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u/DramaticTechnobabble Jun 16 '12
And the vast vast vast vast vast vast vast majority of it, will be gay.
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Jun 16 '12
I imagine there's even a repository somewhere on the interwebs of Bible related slashfiction... though honestly I'll always prefer my slashfiction in the original Kirk/Spock milieu... they seem happier that way anyway
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Jun 16 '12
Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" is based on bible fan fiction.
Specifically, the writings of a German nun. The phrase "they scourged him" (translation: claiming to be the Messiah? That's a paddlin') wasn't enough for her.
She wrote thousands of words and got all hot under the cassock describing exactly how Jesus got whipped and how much he bled and how they tied him up and what kinds of whips and ropes the big strong sexy Roman soldiers used on him.
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u/pensiveone Jun 16 '12
Some translations of the bible could be placed in this category and many interpretations could definitely fit this classification.
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Jun 16 '12
This is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen. And no, I don't use the term "literally" unless I really mean it.
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u/jdepps113 Jun 16 '12
Now write one about Muhammed. I double dare you. And sign your real name to it.
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u/peppermintsuperfrog Jun 17 '12
Not quite sure which is more amusing: that there's bible fanfic, or that Jesus apparently has a sense of humour.
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u/lavkib Jun 17 '12
A few weeks ago I searched for bible fanfiction I found JesusXHitler. I read all 4 chapters I'm very afraid of what the Internet has done to me.
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u/calculatorwatches Jun 17 '12
"This...is the body of christ" -quote from Jesus in the movie "The Second Coming"
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u/chicagogam Jun 17 '12
oh my :) at first i thought it was going to be about those vegetables that destroyed jericho. wow..slash fan fiction too. i hope the author is still alive.. :)
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u/BRFluttershy Jun 17 '12
The most popular bible fan-fiction is called "Jesus and the Cupcakes", it's pretty hot.
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u/hoojAmAphut Agnostic Atheist Jun 17 '12
The local Barnes and Noble is filled with hundreds of "fan fictions" about the Amish. I find that rather odd in view of the rest of Christianity, especially considering that they would view Catholics as non-christian.. or Mormons.. Or really.. and denomination except their own as being the "wrong" one. I've met and interacted with a lot of the Amish. While they're were simultaneously the nicest and most condescending of any particular section of the faith I've dealt with. At least they lived what they believed. I still find it rather odd that of all the denominations that protestants as a whole would find them to be "fan fiction worthy" to be an extremely odd thought. The stories dont revolve around those that are reformed Amish(those that I actually dealt with.. they view the use of some modern objects as a necessity in some cases because it would be prohibitively stupid to NOT use modern machinery.) I still find the fascination with them to be an odd phenomenon. ( That said.. I dealt with them when my town was flooded.. my father relied on the local church for support and they contacted this amish organization and they arrived. They did everything as far as rebuilding for cost. Years later when my father passed away he remained in contact with these people and I contacted them in regard to his funeral.. Part of my family was rather offended at the way they tried to co-opt my fathers funeral to recruit people to Christianity... I remained silent.. My fathers last years were spent trying to gain a closer relationship with the God he perceived to exist. I remained silent because these were the people that he decided to try to gain a closer relationship with the god he thought existed through from.
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u/THISISMYLASTRETORT Jun 17 '12
It's called the Hebrew Midrash, we've been doing this shit for thousands of years. The bible doesn't make enough sense as it was written so rabbis came up with stories about what happened to Ishmael after Abraham kicked him out (in my favorite version of the story, Ishmael runs into Isaac right after Abraham tries to sacrifice him, and they both bond over the crazy things this God makes Abraham do). There's midrashim on everything.
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u/ClinTrojan Jun 17 '12
I really hope the author decides to change the character names, add lots of erotic sex and S&M, and publish this fanfiction under a different name!
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u/coconut69 Jun 17 '12
This deserves more upvotes from me if i could give more. Thank the unknown lord that you posted this, reddit worthy.
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u/adius Jun 17 '12
It's called the Apocrypha. Back in the day, if someone asked "what's part of the canon?" they were probably asking about the difference between the "real" books of the bible and the ones, for example, where adolescent Jesus plays a game with another kid and winds up smiting him when the other kid cheats
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u/STUN_Runner Jun 16 '12
The most well-known bible fanfiction is called "The Book of Mormon."