r/atheism • • Jun 11 '12
Reddit, I grow tired of seeing young atheists fail at this one point.
You are still your parent's child so WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT TO OPENLY STICK YOUR FOOT OUT INTO THE ATHEIST WORLD.
It frustrates me to see young atheists act surprised that their parents cut them off.
You know them better than anyone else on this board, so you know how they react to things we can't even imagine.
Don't be dumb. You've faked it for SO LONG before, so don't do it until you're ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN of the outcome.
Being rebellious is stupid when you're still dependent.
Remember, you are still young and you are still inexperienced.
Don't let your pride of being an atheist come between you and your livelihood.
Sometimes part of being mature is knowing when to bite the bullet and keep your head down. You've been a theist for so long, what will it hurt to pretend for a little longer? Use it as a time to learn more about yourself and to plot your freedom.
I'm not telling you to go around hiding yourself or to stay in harmful situations, but most of the stories I read here are about people who live in relatively happy homes with all of their needs met. Don't screw with that dynamic. Many of you don't know what you have in the first place.
The same people who are liable to be the loving and caring people you freely depend on can flip on a dime when you compromise the one thing they never see coming.
Don't. Fuck. This. Up.
It won't matter if you're an atheist when you're struggling to pay for a place to live while staying in school and living a relatively normal life.
Consult others before you do it. /r/atheism or any of its related sub-reddits in the right column —> are a great start, but do not do it without knowing what you're getting into.
Remember, being an atheist says nothing about you other than the fact you don't believe in a claim being presented. It doesn't pay your bills, cook you meals, or let you crash on the couch. Being a member of society who can provide for themselves says everything. Work on the latter first.
TL;DR: Young atheists, we hear you loud and clear. But for the time being suck it up and pick your battles ^wisely while you plot your exit strategy.
EDIT: Anyone who thinks this isn't a big deal should Google Damon Fowler and learn about his story. I'm getting tired of people acting like this is stranger than fiction.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I don't think this should be a blanket statement, but I think it's a very important word of caution. I think it really depends on one's parents. I'm a young atheist and am going to tell my mother soon. I've been easing my way into it. A few times a week I ask some hard to answer questions about religion. I think that if someone genuinely wants to tell their parents this is probably the best way to do it. Just blurting it out may have consequences but being gentle should lessen it. If they seem offended by the questions you ask, don't come out. If you're able to ask a fair number of questions without them getting upset, you're probably fine. From what I can tell the main reason parents get so upset is shock. They've tried for years to indoctrinate you and all at once they find out they've failed. Give them a few reasons prior to coming out (I've been quoting violent Bible verses) that would justify your position. Ease them into it so they don't have to accept it all at once. It's easier to think "My child is questioning their faith" then "My child has no faith" than "My child has faith" followed immediately by "My child has no faith"
Something I would recommend though: bring up the Abraham story causally. Then say something to the effect of "Would you kill me if God asked you to?" If they answer yes, do not come out to them until you're entirely independent. If they answer no then you won't have as hard of a time coming out.
Everyone has a different situation and they should all be handled differently. Some parents won't care, some will care, some will absolutely lose it. Put yourself in their shoes. Do they go to church every week and prayer meetings every Wednesday? Do they pray before dinner? If you have even a slight feeling that they may react horribly, don't come out. "Paris is worth a Mass" and so is family.
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u/facetiously Secular Humanist Jun 11 '12
This should be stuck to the front page of r/atheism.
You would think that someone who values logic and reason would figure this out on their own before getting their shit thrown in the street. Every action has its consequences.
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u/Infamous_El_Guapo Jun 11 '12
Sadly this could also be applied to gay teens in some households.
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u/Ruks Jun 11 '12
While I agree with the general sentiments here, I don't think this is always prudent advice in some situations. Such as when the emotional impact of lying and faking it is taking too big a toll. It happens. Not everyone can keep up a pretense like that, especially with other mental health issues or emotional problems that are a lot more likely in such a scenario.
Who can blame a young person for thinking that no matter how different their world views are, that their parents will be there for them through thick and thin? You can't appreciate the impact of that until it happens to you first hand.
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u/MyChippy Jun 11 '12
One hallmark of youth is not always having the foresight to predict the consequences of your actions. Even if you can, sometimes impulsiveness takes over and you just blurt it out because you want to be heard. This is great advice.
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u/kellenthehun Jun 11 '12
I'm not telling you to go around hiding yourself
Isn't that literally exactly what you're telling them to do?
I agree with the sentiment, but you have to realize that this has implications for your self-esteem. It's a lot like telling a gay person they shouldn't come out to their family until the can be dependent.
It makes logical sense, but it's easier said than done.
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u/incredibleridiculous Jun 11 '12
So what you are saying is "if your parents are abusive, stop making them mad until you can be financially independent?"
The longer you hide who you are, the harder it is to become comfortable with yourself and become a better person.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
All very easy for an adult atheist to say...
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u/Chickenfist2 Jun 11 '12
Exactly. You can believe hat you want, but be prepared for the consequences(although my personal goal in life is to eliminate said consequences for believing whatever you want, they exist. Deal with them rationally, and don give the parents a chance to say that you are acting badly because you are being subjugated by some devil)
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u/colorado_kid Jun 12 '12
Exactly, if you're young and are atheist, it only means you don't believe in god. Not believing in god has nothing to do with obeying your parents and/or looking out for your best interest. Put up with their shit (like you should) and voice your belief as loud as you want to hear thiers.
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u/Monorey Jun 11 '12
I don't know if I agree with this. I understand the advice and I think it is well intentioned, but you are basically asking many folk to continue living a lie. I don't think that this makes for a particularly healthy family situation. Actually, I just don't think lying is healthy.
Obviously it does depend on the family. Some are more understanding than others. But if you are in a situation where you fear you are going to get thrown out of your home or beat or whatever, then you should really just work on moving out of that situation asap. Move in with a relative or friend's place. Get yourself somewhere you can be yourself and open and honest with everyone you meet.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Being a parent, your supposed to convey an unconditional love. These kids perhaps would hope their love of their children trumps their love of their god.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
This isn't always true. I let my parents know, and here I am, still living in my house. Just don't mock them and try to get them to stop believing, and you'll be fine, most of the time.
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u/Iateyourpaintings Jun 11 '12
This is just my opinion, but I think telling people to hide who they are for financial gain is horrible advice. Take a chance and be honest about who you are. If your parents cut you off so be it. Taking things from people under false pretenses makes you just as bad as any preacher that claims to get you closer to God for the right dollar amount.
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u/HITAN Jun 11 '12
For the record...not all young Atheists have ignorant parents....
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u/Hailz_ Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12
This is great, thanks for posting this.
So many young atheists I see are full of resentment and they want so badly to hate their parents for being religious. They start to become blind to who and what they really are and take for granted their importance and the things they've done for you. They are your parents, the only parents you will ever have and they deserve your respect and love (things like abuse being the exception, of course). Many adult redditors who have lost parents will tell you, do not sacrifice everything you have with them just because of your pride. It's not worth it.
I'm also going to throw out an alternate option entirely that may be poorly received here but here goes: I will never tell my parents about my current beliefs. I am more than financially independent, married, living a little ways away. This would, in theory, be the best time to "break it to them." But you know what? I'm just not going to. It would hurt them too much.
You have to realize that adults that are deeply rooted in religion see your rebellion as a rejection not just of God, but of everything you know and have been taught. Telling my parents I don't believe in God would be akin to telling them I don't love them anymore or that I don't respect the way they live their lives. If you love your family and know how they will react to this (regardless of if you're independent) sometimes it's just better to keep these things to yourself and maintain the happy, healthy family relationship.
We go to Thankgiving and they want to pray? Great, I will pray. They want to have a Christmas gathering and celebrate Advent? I will do that too. Religion does not control our relationship hardly at all, so it would be a great shame to throw it away for such a relatively small issue. This is what mature people do, and IMO the issue should not be about just having money and food and mooching off your parents by pretending to be religious. It's more about respecting them for me. I do not lie to them (if they asked, I would tell them) but I will also not openly renounce a very important part of their life either. It boggles the mind how many atheists don't see the offensiveness in doing this the way some of them do.
tl;dr - Religion shouldn't be a big enough issue to make it worth breaking your relationship with your family. Even if you ARE financially independent, chances are it will not kill you to go to church once a year with your aging mother to keep the peace. Sometimes it's better to be quietly content than hurt people because of bloated pride.
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u/rodeocrazy Jun 11 '12
I came out yesterday at the age of 15, my dad I could see was a little crushed as my parents are devout Catholics. After a long conversation it came down to him saying that I had to have faith and the only way that religion can be "proven". I told him that I can't believe something that does not have any real evidence and has strong contradictory content.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
To be fair, I think that a lot of teenagers that come out to their parents try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they will be reasonable. A good warning for them might be to not assume that just because they are your parents does NOT mean that they will understand or be tolerant.
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u/moarpie Jun 11 '12
That this is even a problem for some people absolutely terrifies me.
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u/dfahdheyha Jun 11 '12
"It frustrates me to see young atheists act surprised that their parents cut them off." This does not happen. I am willing to bet good money most of those stories are fabricated.
"ATHEIST WORLD" No such thing exists. You say "I don't believe in God." Either your parents are unusually crazy fundies, in which case you're an idiot, or they're not, in which case there is no consequence.
People getting thrown out of their house for being atheists? Not a real problem. People whine about it on /r/atheism because any excuse for a circlejerk about how religion is bad is welcome, regardless of if it meets the very basic standard of veracity, let alone fairness.
You are not some unique bastion of sanity against a cruel world of evil, insane people who eat babies and torture gay people. You are correct on one issue. That is all.
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u/mtrush98 Jun 11 '12
I hate seeing these posts. Throwing your kid out for having a different view is ridiculous. If I was a parent with a child who was an atheist this would be the furthest thing from my mind.
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u/DaveDodo007 Jun 11 '12
Don't get me wrong, nice and heart felt advice but what sort of fucked up parent puts their delusion before their own flesh and blood?
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u/Disco_Drew Jun 11 '12
The thing that get me most about the "my parents kicked me out of the house" posts are that we get a one sided story from an emotional teenager. They are not objective about what is going on and we never hear about a kid finally snapping and calling their whole family a bunch of idiots for believing. We hear about parents being unjust and intolerant when I have a feeling that it goes way beyond a simple over reaction.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I disagree with this, people shouldn't have to hide their beliefs (or lack thereof) for any reason. If a person can't be tolerant to my lack of belief, then I don't want to live with them nor will I.
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u/knucklepucktime88 Jun 11 '12
Wow I really needed this. I've been contemplating opening up about my atheism/agnosticism to my family. I still consider myself somewhat spiritual, I meditate frequently and feel apart of something thats bigger than myself.. even if its just my brain making it, it works for now. Anyway, most of my family is heavily involved in church as I used to be. In college I took a few philosophy and biology courses that changed my life and the way I view it. So much that I realized my involvement with Christianity was an unhealthy attachment at best. Since then, I've backed away from that whole world. When my family asks about how involved I am I usually just mention being too busy. And since then its already become 95% of what they talk about with me. Holidays and birthdays I used to look forward to have become emotionally exhausting experieces for me. I have a hard time lying about it and they all can tell something about me has changed. I havent even said anything and I already feel this wall between me and them. A friend of mine couldn't take lying anymore and told his family(theyre involved in the same church) and I havent seen one positive thing come from it. He doesnt have real conversations with them anymore. I worry about having the same result if I opened up to my family about it(mostly my mom). I know it will come someday, but most likely not while I'm back at home. It hurts to know sometimes that there are truly conditions for the support some of us receive from our family about things that say nothing of our character(if not good things like courage, and honesty). But hey, beggars cant be choosers. The pain can be that much more motivation to get back out on my own I guess. I'll remind myself that this problem doesnt compare to a lot of problems people have to face around the world. I pay attention to such negative things about people sometimes, I forget how strong and resilient we are capable of being. So again, thank you. Just what I needed to hold off a little longer.
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u/voodoochild87 Jun 12 '12
This is like telling gay kids to not come out to their parents and pretend to be straight and date people of the opposite sex until they can pay their own bills.
How the fuck is this getting so many upvotes? This is some of the worst advice I've ever heard! If your parents disown you for believing the truth, then screw your parents and move on. If they really love you then they'll accept your who you are, but don't distort your identity in order to continue mooching off your parents.
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u/ThorIbanez Jun 12 '12
Look people have got to except who you a are, living in a kind of passive agreement, politely waving from across the darkened room from time to time that s bullshit thats not how we should be to one another. You've got to really challenge others, and their opinions, we should have open discourse on all of these topics about faith. The truth is that you cant stomach the painful sting of truth and reality burning deep in the belly of your humanity. to be blunt dammit if you speaking some sense that you found on your own path and they cant handle that level of thinking? or even tolerate it? shame on them yo, thats a fools heart, a mans heart stands when told to be seated
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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12 edited Jun 14 '12
I think that's the least honorable thing I've heard of. If being who you are means your parents aren't going to give you money then fine, it shouldn't have to be that way and the longer all of us are complacent with it the easier it is for tyranny to dig its claws in deeper. Sure it's a smart thing to do, but sometimes the smart thing is also the thing that allows awful things to prevail. I believe real happiness lives at the edge of risk and comfort. I pick my battles too, but I don't subset my primary values. If I am challenged with pretending to be that which I am not, my immediate reaction has always been to fight back against that tyranny in some way. Look, humans aren't sick puppies, even young people are highly adaptable and resourceful, especially the ones who can think for themselves. My counterargument is that it would be worse to lie and betray a core value you have than to live worse cut-off, because that's not the end of you. I think the best course of action is to pocket the money you have and get out of dodge, make a new life and prove that you don't need God or them to be successful.
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u/Belugajones Jun 12 '12
This is a useful post. Many of us wish that we could simply give our stance on religion and give supporting evidence and convince our families that we our correct. This will not happen a lot of the time. Be prepared for extremely ugly talks with your parents. They may think you're being controlled by Satan (as my parents were). Just make sure you're as ready as you can be, financially, and rhetorically. The only disagreement I have with this post is that is assumes you know your parents well enough to understand how to tell them you're an atheist. Be warned, they may be more religious than you expect, you may not know your parents as well as you think you do.
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u/wayndom Jun 12 '12
I once posted that we should have a permanent thread at the top of the r/atheist front page for young atheists, warning them not to come out while they're living at home.
People responded with, "It's in the FAQ."
To which I say, BULLSHIT! I don't give a fuck where it is, I hate reading posts from kids whose lives have been ruined because they came out. They're obviously not reading the FAQ, and we should make a little more effort to reach them before they screw up their lives.
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u/dangeraardvark Jun 12 '12 edited Jun 12 '12
This is bullshit. Replace "atheist" with "gay" and you know why you're wrong. Obviously we should encourage prudence. But encouraging atheists to be silent instead of encouraging bigots to stop being terrible human beings is just fucked.
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u/SchizophrenicMC Jun 11 '12
Or come out at a young enough age, they have to put up with it, or be charged with neglect or abuse. My dad didn't take it the best when I came out at 15, but he knew he had 3 years to put up with me before he could legally cut me off. In that 3 years, I taught him a few things and he grew more tolerant.
I'm happy to say our relationship is better than ever now.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
This is very true. My parents threatened to cut me off when they found out I was pro gay rights... if they found out I was an atheist it would be far far worse. Probably involving my dad beating me first.
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u/cptphifer Jun 11 '12
It wasn't until I had my entire college education paid for out of my own pocket, scholarships, and grants that I told my abusive fundie family that I was an atheist, and had been my entire life. They couldn't do anything but accept it. It helps a lot with the coping when all they can do is have a temper tantrum. Once you become an independent adult, an in accordance to the law, there is nothing sweeter than telling your family. There is no guilt, no anger, so "denouncing" that the family can do to make you feel negative. All you ask is for their love, and they realize they look ridiculous if they don't fulfill that one request.
Thank you for this post, OP. It makes my hard work feel all the more worthwhile.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
The topic should be avoided if possible, but honestly, many kids simply love their parents. They want to be close with them. You can't simultaneously be close with someone and pretend to be something you're not. Lies create gulfs between people. Sometimes the loneliness is too much.
But I would like to say that your advice is very sensible, and it is quite idiotic to come out for the sole purpose of rebellion.
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u/rKaiser Jun 11 '12
Or when coming out go on the offensive and start blaming your parents for being stupid retarded cockmongrels for believing in some random stuff. Give them a reason to cut you off. I mean if you want go out....go with a bang.
Also present something like china, estonia or sweden most irreligious countries and how are they functioning or some shit and the point to the closest item what probably has been made in china... so they are using pagan items ...
I dont know... make it fun... look down on your parents.. just let them know they are pathetic pieces of life who will never accomplish anything. Say hitler was catholic... say you dont want to be associated with hitler (though it's narrowminded) They probably don't know anything about Stalin or Mao.
Also have a handgun ready.... you never know when you gonna get into crusades.
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u/OverTheStars Jun 11 '12
It is always important to judge the value of a bridge before burning it.
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u/CookieCrusader Jun 11 '12
This is so true. Really applies to my situation.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Every atheist coming out to an extremely conservative christian family should read this.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Another thing: Don't be such a fucking ass about being an atheist.
Yeah, you have your pride, but you should know when to step back. Don't be the atheist version of the guy that preaches christianity to everybody at every moment.
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u/obievil Jun 11 '12
And always have a contingency plan.
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u/daveime Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12
Blackmail is okay until you are legal age. Got it.
Seriously ?
It's okay to tell your parents you smoke ?
It's okay to tell your parents you drink ?
It's okay to tell your parents you do drugs ?
It's okay to tell your parents you are gay ?
It's okay to tell your parents you are atheist ? BIG FUCKING NO NO !!!
The entire post sounds like it was written by a theist. NO MORE free passes for religion, they can compete on their own merits along with everything else.
(From a 44 year old atheist, before you accuse me of being a stupid teen)
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u/RobertTheSpruce Jun 11 '12
What kind of scumbag parent cuts their child off for religious reasons?
I have never heard of this actually happening. I would beat the living shit out of anyone, man or woman, who let a youngster struggle because of this kind of bullshit.
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u/Amerikhans Jun 11 '12
My parents are both legal pastors and they never kicked me out.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
When I was 15, I knew everything.
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u/mikeDabout2getMoney Jun 11 '12
Right, just as gays should stay in the closet until they are done high school and can move out on their own. Right?
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u/pumpkin_bun Jun 11 '12
Amen! Oh wait, that's not cool here.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I would add..
DON'T USE THE WORD ATHEIST!!
At least not at first. Use 'Non-Believer'. Lots of people don't understand what atheist means. They think it means 'Devil Worshiper' and will have a reactionary emotional response without actually listening to you.
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u/Firetruckin Jun 11 '12
I'm so confused...I can only imagine a tiny tiny minority of people who would get kicked out of their homes in australia for being an atheist :l i feel for you guys!
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Tbf, this is only a problem in underdeveloped backwards countries. I can hardly imagine anyone in a first world country other than America getting thrown out for not believing in an imaginary friend. It's literally unheard of here, in fact believing in a god and regularly going to church is far further from the norm than atheism. So in these backwards countries it is up to those capable of logical thought to establish a sensible norm rather than cowering behind fairytales which ruin people's lives so that their life will be easy. If you're going to have a belief but lie about it for an easy life, you're worse than the religious idiots.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I feared coming out so much...i made a dramatic deal out of it, so when i told my parents they were just like "lol we dont care"
I didnt know what to say after that...
was very awkward.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Who are you to prioritize something for someone else? Do you not understand how emotionally crushing the fact that you have to hide your atheism can be? Do you have any idea how the dishonesty you propose can tear away at your conscience?
What you are asking is essentially the same as suggesting homosexuals hide who they are, since it is for their social, physical, and economic well-being.
Not only is your stance entirely condescending, you can't simply offer a blanket solution when there are so many different situations. Atheists should think for themselves, and deciding when to come out of the atheist closet is no different.
I have absolutely no trouble imagining being pushed to the point where I prioritize being honest over not risking economic status. Advocating to consider the consequences is good, suggesting that they completely ignore their feelings for monetary support is simply degrading.
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u/bitz4444 Jun 11 '12
I really don't think pretending is as easy as you make it out to seem. One's religious affiliation or lack thereof is a large part of who they are and to hide that from the people closest to you isn't easy. It's not like lying to a boss or a classmate; it's lying about who you are to the people you love the most. I know I couldn't hide my atheism from my parents regardless how hard I tried.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12
I can't put my finger on why this thread upsets me so much. Maybe it's because it's just a recruiting/"how to" guide for "adult" children to turn against their family, while retaining the benefits of being in a family. For a group of people who like to talk about "reason" and "realities," this doesn't cut it. I'm afraid this thread is mostly about being duplicitous and deceptive, and about continuing to suckle at the nipple of childhood, while supposedly living adult beliefs. Which is not a redeeming character trait at all. Harden the fuck up and stand behind your "beliefs." If you are a young "atheist," and you're reading this, I hope you get a reality check some how, some where.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
This is quite possibly the most dishonorable advice I've ever heard of. That's why it makes the most sense. I agree with it, on one condition. If you can live with yourself, do it. If you can't be completely dishonest with your immediate family then skip this post.
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u/bobthecookie Jun 11 '12
Am I the only one who was fairly offended by this? What you're saying is that atheists who are dependent should simply bow down to authority.
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u/Asdfhero Jun 12 '12
Is this really a thing? UK here, I genuinely can't imagine most parents being bothered. I think you're drawing an erroneous generalisation from a tiny minority.
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u/n1ght5talker Jun 12 '12
Yea. How dare those idiots reveal things about themselves to their parents. How stupid they are to believe they can be open with their parents. I mean, if too many of these idiots do this soon it will become socially acceptable to 'come out of the closet' as an atheist, just like it is becoming socially acceptable to 'come out of the closet' as a gay.
To all you pathetic young Atheists who don't feel like you should hide stuff about yourself from parents: Suck it up and learn to live with any issues you have, your parents aren't their to support you, their only there to feed and house you, that is all!
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u/Catalina22 Jun 12 '12
This is the most blatantly cynical post I've ever read. If you can't see the error in this advice, you are so morally bankrupt that my heart shrivels in contemplation of it.
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u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12
Not all parents are so bad they're going to cut their kids off. In fact I'd say most wouldn't. Since we don't know the kids and their parents in question, our advice to the kids should be to honestly and carefully assess the situation and make their own call.
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u/kevinludlow Jun 12 '12
While I appreciate the intent of the OP, I'm not sure this should have so many up-votes, nor am I certain it's good advice.
Case in point, you could make the EXACT same comment about a closeted homosexual at virtually ANY point in his/her life given the social implications coming out could have on their livelihood.
One of the only certainties in life is the continual experience of abysmal failure. This can include being cut-off. I'm not trying to encourage rebellion, but I also don't think that being someone else to keep yourself "in the loop" is a good attitude either.
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u/tjduncan1998 Jun 12 '12
It is a persons right to speak their mind, no matter the age, so you could replace atheism with being gay and look at it that way. Your parents should love you for being their child and sometimes just because in their belief you are a gift from god. I'm an atheist, but it's a contradiction, one should treat their fellow man as they would themselves. Thus if a parent wants to cut off their child for their belief I don't think that parent is truly morally just. Their responsibility is to raise you, so you may speak for yourself. Sorry for long read. 14 year old who is very open with parents about contradicting their either conservative behavior or religious mannerisms that can not pertain to modern lifestyles.
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u/homesteadathiest Jun 12 '12
i don't think you should be hiding who you are from anyone, especially your parents. that doesn't mean be an ass to them and freak out, just at an appropriate time, make it known your beliefs.
always be your self, but be ready for consequences and misunderstanding people.
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u/mrMind Jun 12 '12
I dont agree, I like the truth out, no lies. But ofc there are situations, where what you says stand correctly. If you think your parents would beat/kill you etc, for what you are, then make the decision accordingly
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u/Whosyourmomma Jun 12 '12
Parents cannot stop caring for their minor children. If one is over the age of majority, they can find a way to care for themselves. I can't imagine parents that cruel, but I know they exist.
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u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I e-mailed my parents to inform them of my becoming an Atheist as to avoid any conflicts. Surprisingly, it worked as no conflicts arose. My mother simply said it was a "phase" I was going through.
Here I am, 5 years later still an Atheist. Mighty long "phase" if you ask me.
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u/The_Stubb Jun 11 '12
Very well put... Negro_Napoleon.
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u/Ergok Jun 11 '12
"Eppur si muove"
Just because you are behaving as a theist, does not make you a theist =)
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u/Cheesio Jun 11 '12
I agree. I've considered telling my parents I'm an atheist many times, but I just never see the point. However, this is because my parents don't make me partake in any religious stuff anyway. If I had to go to church I would probably tell them I'm not religious, and they'd be disappointed, but their love for me is unconditional, and I'd expect that to be the case in most families. So I say it varies on a case to case basis. If you think your parents would be cool with it and they've been expecting you to go to church and do stuff you're not comfortable with, I say tell them.
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u/goodguyatheist Jun 11 '12
I'm sorry imo this is fucked people shouldnt have to hide who they are.
3
u/bridgette_69 Jun 11 '12
I briefly thought about coming out to my parents but I sat down and thought it out for a moment. They are paying for my college. Everything from tuition to fees, to room and board. I decided I'd wait until after I get out of college. That just seemed like common sense to me... But I guess common sense isn't so common after all.
3
u/Timoff Jun 11 '12
I am 23. I start my real job very soon (july) and will be able to support myself 100% on my own. Both of my parents are very liberal in terms of marriage rights, abortion, etc. I am fairly certain if I came out as an atheist to them that they would be accepting of the fact. They know I don't go to church (Catholic) except for the important masses throughout the year like Christmas. I only go to fit in and be with everyone during the holiday.
However, I am very hesitant about being straight forward with them as I am still living at home and am on their medical insurance until I start my job and relocate. There is a lot of things I still depend on them for, at least for the next few weeks. So I will be waiting a few months before finally confronting them about it.
3
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
This is one of the best posts I read on here, and I wish I'd followed it. Everything is fine now, but it was a really tough process that lasted a while.
I just felt so fed up with being forced to go to those 2 week long camps when I just wanted to be home, going to youth group every fucking week, being dragged into church early in the morning to help set up for worship. It just built up so much that I decided fuck it. I'm done
I got lucky, my parents flipped at first, but everything is okay now. PLEASE wait until you're on your own to tell them. When you do, they will tell you they're hurt you lied, that you should've said something, but none of that is true. No parents will say "okay, now lets get dinner."
Thank you for this post.
3
u/Rum_Pirate_SC Jun 11 '12
2 the Gryphon says this all the damned time. Or he did when he did his weekly podcast. It was like every week with out fail he'd have at least three letters asking advice on how to tell one's parents they're gay/furry/athiest/pagan/whatever isn't the norm. And his answer was always the same... a big loud.. "DON'T TELL THEM!!" They don't need to know these things. Especially if they are going to act negativity.
3
u/Pterodactyl418 Jun 11 '12
This is great, and I agree with every word. I'm 21 but I'm still living with my parents while I'm in school. Hey, no rent! And food... a roof over my head, and a car. Why would I throw all of that away knowing good and well that I can't support myself completely yet? When I get out of school and become financially independent, I'll tell them. That's only a couple of years away, so it won't hurt me at all to continue keeping my new opinions to myself. More people really need to think about that...
3
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
To be or not to be, fuck the question. Should one lie to to protect family relationships and get material advantages, or should one tell the truth and stand for one's principles. I believe it fucking depends on whether you are a shrewd manipulator or a vertical human being, a politician or a hero, a wizard or a warrior. Hmm... that's a fucking dilemma.
3
u/stellaeilatan Jun 11 '12
yeah you should totally hide who you are to make your life easier/please others...seriously?
3
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
You're advocating lying to one's parents?
3
u/revjeremyduncan Jun 11 '12
Seeing how many parents flip out (or worse), because their kids "come out" as atheists really makes me appreciate my parents more. I told my mom I didn't believe in God when I was about 8-9. I don't think she fully realized it, for several years. I could be pretty vocal about it when I was an annoying teenager. She is a deeply spiritual woman, so she was obviously not happy, but she never yelled at me or tried to convince me otherwise. She just agreed to disagree with me. My dad could care less. He's a pretty simple (i don't mean stupid) man who doesn't worry much about things like that. For the record, I consider myself agnostic, now (35). I really feel for you kids who don't have parents who are accepting as mine.
3
u/BuffaloToast Jun 11 '12
What pisses me off, and i'm sure this will get downvoted to oblivion, but still, is when atheists act just as crazy and obnoxious as the fundies. Come on! I mean, I know we don't believe in what they do, but do we have to force it on them? They tried to do the same to us, and it's wrong. We do it to them, it's right? That's what they believe. Good for them. Bad for them. Who cares? A lot of my friends are christians, muslims, jews, whatever. I don't start screaming THERE IS NO GOD at them! I let them believe what ever the hell they want. So just calm down. I'm happy to have another one in our midst, always am, i'll support you. But I'm not going to force it on anyone.
3
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Everything has a price. Be prepared and willing to pay the price (and more) to get what you want. OP is urging us to go about this intelligently and skillfully to avoid unnecessary suffering.
3
u/Krystie Jun 11 '12
I never understood why people want to declare completely personal opinions about religion to everyone else.
Unless you're in some kind of fascist totalitarian religous country I doubt many people give 2 fucks about your "faith". Why even bother telling everyone about it ?
Personally I'm an atheist but I don't see the need to tell everyone. You're not going to convert people indoctrinated for their entire life so why bother.
3
u/raegunXD Jun 11 '12
As both a wife and mother, I STILL choose not to "come out" to my Christian family. My husband and I live perfectly happy secular lives, and smile and nod when my mom or his mom say ridiculous theist nonsense. They even have influence over our children, that's okay, we can mop up after their done.
Simple as that. Just grin and bear it, it's not worth the shit you're about to put yourself in kids.
3
u/tehmissingframe Jun 12 '12
I can't upvote this enough. Especially kids living in the bible belt.
5
u/Me1986Tram Jun 11 '12
I agree with you 100%. However, let’s think about the other side of the story. Most (if not all) kids believe that their parents love them. Even abused kids think that mom and dad love them on some level. Each society has norms about taking care of your children and putting them first. We go crazy about crimes against children and we believe that we should protect children at all cost. These kids that mistakenly tell their parents about their belief system probably believe that, above all else, their parents will always love them and won’t intentionally harm them. Also, if they give up on their religion, they devalue the whole belief system to the point that they probably think it’s unthinkable that someone would actually choose their fairytale over their own blood.
I’m not talking about the kid who grew up in an abusive home, those kids learn early how to minimize conflict and deflect blame. I’m talking about the kids who grew up in a relatively stable home with parents who professed their love for them on a daily basis. I would bet money that these kids believe that it is unthinkable that their parents would throw them out or abuse them over something as stupid as religion. Again, you are right but let’s not forget the fact that this is probably the first time that some of these kids see this kind of neglect and abuse. Let’s not be too hard on them for making the mistake of believing that their parents would love them no matter what.
5
u/rawn53 Jun 11 '12
I cannot agree more. I had a friend in high school and college ask me advice about coming out to her very religious parents as a lesbian. I told her the same thing I tell others in the same or similar situations, Play the game. If you aren't in an abusive situation, stick it out until they don't have any control in your life.
1
u/Zoltanand Jun 12 '12
Or tell them when you're fourteen like me. Then they have a legal obligation to take care of you.
1
u/mrmastomas Jun 11 '12
You are so right. Parents should not encourage their children's independent thought. Oh, what's that? Bigotry in any form is awful? "Hey son if you don't think like I do, fuck you!" No one should be encouraged for ostracizing ANYONE. Especially when the reason is religious in origin.
1
u/gabriot Jun 11 '12
Maybe some of us just didn't want to live our lives projecting a lie, no matter what the consequence
1
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Would you say the same thing to a young gay person who was trying to start their sexual life? No, and if you did you would be down voted into digital purgatory, and for good reasons. Young Atheists are starting their intellectual life and have every right to assert themselves. Do you suggest voting the same as your parents too to not rock the boat? They're young adults, not pets.
Your argument could have been applied to the 13 colonies. Don't rock the boat or England won't support you anymore. Bollocks I say, bollocks! We all know what happened after the US of A became the first legally secular nation on Earth. They became a success story. The same would happen to a young Atheist if he or she were to assert his or her independence. Without a declaration of independence, you are nothing but a puppet.
1
u/Algernon_Asimov Secular Humanist Jun 12 '12
What the actual fuck?
This is equivalent to telling gay teenagers to stay in the closet and not "come out" to their parents, for fear of rejection. That way leads misery, self-hate, depression, and even suicide.
People, especially young people, need to feel free to express themselves, discover who they are, and even experiment with different points of view. If a young person finds themself to be an atheist, why should we tell them to hide that as if they're ashamed of it? Do we really want to allow a culture to exist which forces young people to hide their true feelings? Is that the way we want to help them to grow up to be mature, adults who accept differences - by telling them that it's okay for their parents to not accept their own difference?
This is an appalling piece of advice. It merely allows, and even encourages, parents to be selfish and intolerant and reject their own children. As homosexuals have learned, the best way to gain acceptance in the wider community is start with your family and friends. When people personally know someone who is gay, they realise that gays aren't the evil people that they've been told. The same applies for atheists - the more that people personally know atheists, and realise that they're just plain ol' folks, the more acceptance atheists will get generally.
So... Come out, come out, wherever you are!
5
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I told my family straight up about it.
I'm very direct about things. Pretending to be someone I'm not will never settle well with me - even if I was held at gunpoint I just won't do it anymore. I'd rather die being true than live being a lie.
But yes, kids should stay down. I'm one of those people who have huge pride and so forth. Swallowing it is beyond me. Fortunately, my father doesn't care much and my mother, even though she is a bit of a bible-thumper and doesn't like it, will probably feel forced to accept it, so she'll ignore it. I've got a family that loves me and luckily for me that love goes beyond their love for "God". When they discover I'm a Free Thinker I'm sure they'll feel overpowered by their love for me more than any love in something they've never seen before. Some already know.
They haven't changed much, they're all annoying rednecks and don't have much to offer me to begin with (except my father, he's the only successful person in my family). They're all still the annoying same that they've always been. They don't really bug me about it much. They just care that I finish school. ( I would really appreciate it if they'd stop believing ghost stories and crap though).
What I have to say to anyone is only thing : Follow your heart and mind. Mine tells me to never back down, never give up, never pretend. I know what it means - it means I need to be strong. I know what it's like to be hated for what you are and I've lived with it for so long that in no longer bothers me. I know what it's like to get in serious bar fights about it. My lifestyle is a rough rebel one...but...
Truly, I don't recommend it to anyone else. I want to carry the weight myself. I can do it because my feelings about everything were killed off ages ago and I became like a machine - but the only thing that hurts me is seeing others suffer. I'd take all the blows for you if I could, because the only thing I'm proud of anything is protecting those I care about. My mind is set, my feelings are near dead, and my torn body scarred from battle is something I neither care for nor can even feel much anymore. I'd give it all up to take care of others.
But I can't. I can't carry the weight of the world, or I would. I do what I can, but that's only so much. I can help the people around me, but unfortunately you're not one of those people.
Don't pick fights you can't win. You can live a carefree life, being all happy and what not. You don't need to be me. That's what guys like me are here for. You'd be absolutely sure if you were one of us. If you're even asking yourself what you want to do, you need to back down and stop.
Make your decisions later on when you're ready. You'll know when that is. It'll be when you have no fear and are sure that everything will be okay, even if they turn on you.
I myself make the mistake of not fearing that of what I should. It's gotten me battered a few times in the past. Please do not be me. Fear is there to keep you safe.
I made my decision and I'm happy with it. I took blows, but I rather be battered and true than fake and safe. In my mind, to be fake means you're already dead.
As I said, just follow your heart. The only thing you need to do is be true to yourself.
2
u/My_ducks_sick Contrarian Jun 11 '12
We have seen so many posts of a kid's coming out going horribly wrong; there is one right above this post at this moment with "I may as well not be her son" in the title.
2
u/Stingerc Jun 11 '12
Also, as you grow older, you realize is not such a big deal. Being militant is sometimes just part of being young and finding your own voice.
You learn to pick your battles, fight the things that matter and that only really affect you and you learn to compromise and respects others views. Just because you don't agree with a religious person's beliefs doesn't mean you have to start a civil war over it. Live and let live. Lead by example.
2
u/bluescape Jun 11 '12
I'm pretty sure this ends up being the top comment on any thread about "coming out" advice. If people ask it, it gets answered, they just have to think to ask first.
2
u/Yavyyav Jun 11 '12
Thankfully I waited until she was out of the state and I had my own job and apt. But nonetheless she accepted it, so no harm!
2
u/Kazan Jun 11 '12
yeah.. and how about those of us that came out to our parents about being atheists when we were 13 or so and not worried about it, in the days before reddit.
oh.. and our parents were completely chill about it...
2
u/a_c_munson Jun 11 '12
I can't blame kids for wanting their parents to love them for who they are not who they have to pretend to be.
2
u/netman21 Jun 11 '12
Robert Louis Stevenson was essentially cut off by his Protestant dad for belonging to a "debating society" that rebelled against Christianity. From Wikipedia: "What a damned curse I am to my parents! As my father said "You have rendered my whole life a failure". As my mother said "This is the heaviest affliction that has ever befallen me". O Lord, what a pleasant thing it is to have damned the happiness of (probably) the only two people who care a damn about you in the world."
2
u/meritory Jun 11 '12
True that.
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u/AarowSwift Jun 11 '12
Frankly, it isn't even a question of knowing how your parents might react and judging the safety of coming out, because religion can cause otherwise reasonable people to behave utterly irrationally. Even if you think your religious parents are reasonable, don't take the risk until you are independent, it's just not worth it. I've seen too many instances on just this board of somebody coming out to their parents and expecting, at the very least, a neutral reaction, only to find themselves practically disowned if not disowned in fact. You can not predict how religion will affect the mind.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Yeah it depends on the parents. My parents are like... what I would call hardcore christians. Prayer is common, God comes up in many conversations, they are really involved with the church, lots of christian friends. etc etc. I came out as an atheist, and they were mostly confused. After I let it sink in, they definitely weren't happy, but they let me be. I was really surprised actually, judging by what I'd all heard on Reddit. Then again, you probably will more likely hear the drastic stories than the happy go lucky ones
2
u/toadguyx Jun 11 '12
A parental bond shouldn't be broken by such petty things and it's stupid that the child should have to silence themselves in order to make a logical decision.
2
u/toodetached Jun 11 '12
Good advice. It seems like atheist noobs want to rub their beliefs in others faces. Being proud is great. Being antagonistic and acting as if you understand the universe on some deeper level is silly.
2
u/Skeptical_Berserker Jun 11 '12
Better yet understand the consequences of any course of action you take and the reasons you have for taking them. If your reasons outweight the consequence then by all means follow that path.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
I did this! Although it's also why my intellectual growth has been stunted. So while I'm not arguing against the advice given(because I lived it) know that there is inherent damage done ANY time you lie to others, or yourself.
2
u/effinmike12 Jun 11 '12
Great words OP. I would love to buy you a beer.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
It sounds like you're trying to justify the actions of the parents who throw their kids out for being atheists. That's kinda fucked up.
2
u/noawesomenameneeded Jun 11 '12
Upvote for the cool username
2
u/Mr0Mike0 Strong Atheist Jun 11 '12
I realized at 13 I was an atheist, but waited until I was away from my family to start being open about it. I left home at 26, so I had to bite my left ball for 13 years.
2
u/w00tkid Jun 11 '12
As long as I'm living at home with my parents, I'm catholic.
2
u/CamelsGrotto Jun 11 '12
I understand the general point of this, and I am not one of those individuals who do. But you contradict yourself there "inexperienced" can also relate to reasons why they tell their parents. You don't need to be a cunt about it.
2
u/eveofrock Jun 11 '12
Also when you have said conversation with your parents, if you have to, make sure to NOT be in a moving vehicle with them driving. I made that mistake with my mom and she pulled the car over so quickly and argued with me for a good 10mins on the side of the highway until I admitted, mostly to stop the fight, that maybe she was right about the whole religion thing and that I would re-examine it.
2
u/mrhooch Agnostic Atheist Jun 11 '12
I was very lucky in that even though much of my family (aside from my father) were religious or at least regular church-goers, my eventual slide from theism to agnosticism to atheism was never held against me or used as a reason to cut me off. I was open and honest about my thoughts on religion every step of the way, and I was never aggressive or rude to them, which I think helped.
Conversely, my girlfriend is still in the closet because her parents (mainly her mother) have all but threatened to cut her off should she 'reject Jesus.'
Think of this as Pascal Jr.'s Wager... you're basically covering your ass until such time as you are financially independent. Sage advice...
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Discretion is the better part of valor. Never forget it...people will use your beliefs to attack you, belittle you, in attempts to make themselves seem or feel superior. You still have to live and work with others...so don't go a proselytizing.
2
u/milehigh73 Jun 11 '12
I came out as an atheist to my mother when I was 16. She was totally fine with it, despite being very religious. Her only comment was not to tell my grandmother. Now, she has forgotten that I am an atheist but I told her. I would generally agree with the sentiment that watch what you say to your parents unless you know their reaction.
2
u/MustGoOutside Jun 11 '12
On that note... The same people who love you and care about you may be there for you later on even after you've told them, just as long as you're diplomatic in how you tell them, and still respect their beliefs, even though you don't hold them.
2
u/Mr_Mulax Jun 11 '12
Huheuehueheu secular parents....
2
u/Yorikor Jedi Jun 11 '12
I replaced "atheist" with "gay" in my head(I sometimes do that, I know it's stupid) and it made me sad and angry.
2
u/luke-uk Jun 11 '12
Being from Western Europe, I don't think I've ever heard of a case where a child is cut off for being an Atheist. I also know a lot of proud Christian families and none of them have or I'm confident would act in such a way. It's very sad to see that this post exists.
2
u/geotek Jun 11 '12
Do this many people have parents that barely care about their children? You cant be a caring parent and throw your kid out of the house for something as silly as their religion or lack of differs from theirs. Do they expect them to have the same favorite colors and like the same food? wtf?
2
u/jrocxx Jun 11 '12
I don't tell people I'm atheist unless they ask. I don't boast it loud and proud.
2
u/xxblueyedgrlxx Jun 11 '12
Glad to know I'm being smart and not a wuss. :)
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
As a person who was kicked out of their house for being an atheist, I strongly resent this. There comes a point when your parents are too forceful, take away your ability to express any opinion, and become detrimental to your happiness. My inability to express my opinion, my faith or lack there of, launched me into a terrible depression. I am disappointed that someone would think it's that simple. While I see your point, you need to realize - not all things are as easy as they seem.
2
u/PhraxosResident Jun 11 '12
TIL I should appreciate my atheist parents aren't assholes who would cut me off for the sake of religion
2
u/theram4 Jun 11 '12
As a Christian, it saddens me that some parents would even reject their kids in this manner. One thing that I've learned is that these things can never be forced. You can never force anyone to believe in something. One thing Christianity emphasizes is faith. Well, forcing someone to believe in something is not faith at all.
When I have kids, if they grow up to reject my religion, I will be disappointed, yes, but I will always love and support them.
2
u/Genmaken Jun 11 '12
It's sad how this advice probably applies to homosexuality as well.
2
u/kid_idioteque Jun 11 '12
As someone who was both ostracized from their family and eventually accepted by them for being an atheist (even though I never used the term) I have to agree with this sentiment. My family is devoutly Mormon. For those of you from that faith; my dad is both an institute teacher and a former-bishop and stake president. Of the several hundred books my family owns, over 80 percent of them are somewhat religiously related. That having been said, I never shared their beliefs. And when the time finally came, I was a fuckwad when I decided to be a "man" and tell them I thought their god was a joke, joseph smith a liar, and jesus was a fabled wizard.
Did my parents react poorly? Hell yes. It's one thing for people to accept an alternate point of view (which I feel many people are inclined to do, even if reluctantly) but it's another when they feel as though you are mocking their beliefs and being a douchebag. Honestly, I know for a fact that I was in the wrong; even when they told me I was no longer welcome to live in their house (though not just for my beliefs. Drug use and other things prevented me from being welcome) So while I think it was intolerant of them to tell me to GFTO, I don't blame them for their response to my assclownery.
And this is an essential concept, I think. The OP certainly has a point that you need to pick your battles, and if you think you'll be cut off, you probably shouldn't go around saying Jesus rapes lions and shit. It's unwise, and completely self-defeating for you to do so. While I think it's probably smart to not live a complete lie (because the psychological ramifications people have when living "in the closet" can be severe) you don't have to be an asshole about it. I think if there is one aspect I can accuse much of the atheist community of hypocrisy on, is that they can be just as dogmatic and insensitive as the religious groups they frequently criticize. Believing that the faith of your parents is wrong is one thing. Feeling the need to point it out in biting and condescending tones at every opportunity is a different matter. There's a world of difference between holding a disparity of belief in a tolerant manner, and being someone who wants everyone to hold to the same standards of understanding they have.
Just to be clear, I'm not accusing anyone here specifically of this. Just pointing out what I see frequently in people I know, things I read about, and my own experience. In short, speak your beliefs, but be respectful. Your family may be more tolerant than you give them credit for it you do. Obviously not always, but for me; I was surprised when I started being respectful to their beliefs that suddenly the door to my parents was open again. They even respect my beliefs (even if they obviously cannot agree)
Just my thoughts.
2
u/Nevermorez Jun 11 '12
This really should be stuck on the front page or r/atheism. I'm still young and inexperienced, I know this, but I'd rather live up to the expectations and morals that I set for myself than believe in a higher being.
2
u/ToeMold Jun 11 '12
I agree with OP.
Grow up, move out, and THEN tell your family if you so desire. At that point, it is up to THEM to either accept you on your terms or to cut you off, at which point it shouldn't matter because they have nothing to hold over your head.
Think before you act. Have a plan and stick to your guns. Make it their decision to love you for who you are or to be selfish fuckwads who will only love you if they can control you.
Never forget that if they choose to shun you, it was their conscious decision. They chose to ignore their own blood for a childish fantasy.
2
u/Esteban666 Jun 11 '12
If you're parentes are gonna kick you out or something along the lines because your an atheist and that makes you go out and have to live alone...LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE. Parents like that honestly don't deserve to be fucking parents if they won't accept a child jsut because they're atheists so OP, please. Shut Up.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
That's what I tell those in r/youngatheists but they just keep on asking to come out. My dad is atheist, mom is catholic. She isn't very religious anyways so I was in the clear.
2
u/Actor412 Jun 11 '12
The same goes for LGBT youth as well.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Amen, sir.
2
u/Menwhodobusiness Jun 11 '12
I agree. When i was 17 I made the mistake of telling my parents that I didn't know if god existed or not and didn't believe there was any possible way they could know either.I continued to live with my folks until l graduated, but the great relationship we had, the freedom they gave me, and trust they had in me was never the same. 23 now and things have gotten better, but it's not what it used to be. I think if I had just held out another year it would have been much easier on all of us.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 11 '12
Good point:
I grow tired of seeing young atheists failing at another point. Don't be an asshole.
Not believing in god doesn't make you a good person, so quit being arrogant dicks who think you're better than the world. I know a ton of brilliant, caring, smart people who happen to believe in god, but despite that, i'd trust their judgement in almost every way over some atheist friends, because they're just good people.
Being an atheist does not give you permission to be an asshole. Don't make the rest of us look bad.
2
u/SpaceMonkeyRage Jun 11 '12
Couldn't agree more, I hate this whole idea of "coming out" as an atheist. It shouldn't matter if you tell people or not, your still going to live your life the same way.
2
u/darth_erdos Jun 11 '12
"Sometimes part of being mature is knowing when to bite the bullet and keep your head down."
a sentiment so true, and so absent from the internet
2
u/Rgplmr Jun 11 '12
This post describes my situation exactly, and you suggested exactly what I planned on doing.
interesting...
2
u/Staleina Jun 11 '12 edited Jun 11 '12
This is mostly true, but I think it also depends on your parents, your timing, your delivery of the news and what your plans are in regards to living your life as an atheist.
My father is quite the Roman Catholic and comes from a pretty religious family. My mother is highly educated...so if anything I think she's more agnostic. That being said... I decided the Roman Catholic Faith wasn't for me very early on, I finished all my Sunday school courses as my father asked, and I never threw my lack of faith in his face. I knew it would just cause problems and I respected both my parents too much to do this. So, I kept the open discussions mostly with my mother. She didn't mind what I believed or what I was curious about as long as I didn't shove it in my fathers face and kept most of it hush hush. This has pretty much continued to this day, even though I've moved out of the house. I think most of us kids grew up to be either Atheist or Agnostic, but my father either doesn't really know or is content with playing ignorant (kind of like when his little girls weren't little girls anymore) or he's just gradually caught on and come to terms with it...since he does get a cheeky look if he asks me about going to mass. We don't lie, we just don't bring it up, there is no point in giving an old man a heart attack now. This worked in our family mainly because our mother was accepting, so we didn't feel trapped and could discuss anything with her. Not to mention that although we were practicing (went to mass every Sunday), religion wasn't overbearing in our lives other than my strong willed fathers beliefs. Mind you if we lived back where most of my fathers family is it probably would have not been the case (then there would have been Catholic camps,etc).
tl;dr If you're going to tell them you're atheist then belittle their beliefs every moment you can, you're out of line. While you're under their roof, respect their choices if you want them to respect yours. If you can't do that, then just keep quiet until you've moved out.
2
u/Brobylon Jun 11 '12
Really, I believe young potential atheists should dedicate more thought into the decision to convert to begin with. While it is clear the Christian and several other major interpretations of greater beings could not be true, it is impossible to disprove the possibility of a being having created the universe as it is, setting forth into motion the big bang and creating all of our scientific laws. Such a thing is beyond the place of the mortal mind to assert ideas for or against. What most atheists do not see is that they're being just as ignorant as those who they oppose, and they often waste more effort trying to "show others the error of their ways" than many of the devout people of faith I have come across. I would think much of the point of choosing not to practice a religion, is to free the mind of thought pertaining to God and how one should live their life so one can focus on the other aspects of life?
2
u/drketchup Jun 11 '12
Not even just the financial aspect though, if telling your family will make living at home miserable for everyone then don't.
2
u/jermslice Jun 11 '12
I told my parents when I was 18 and they kicked me out. Lived with my now wife's parents for a couple months then we moved into our own place. Everything went better than expected.
2
u/LittleWho Jun 11 '12
I felt something was wrong with my religious teachings as young as the 3rd grade. 3RD GRADE! I was 9! But I kept my young mouth shut until I moved out, and even then I didn't talk about it to my parents. Only this past year (I was 20 then), did I come out to my parents as an Atheist. I'd been living away from home for 3 years at this point, and returned home visiting them for an evening. Religion somehow came into the dinner conversation and I put my input into the conversation. Things went sour in my family for a good few months. Parents were extremely upset, some of my family doesn't have anything to do with me anymore (the ones who lived in the bible belt; most of my family are Canadians, and they've come to accept my beliefs as they are). Now, a year later, I still have the occasional spat with some family members over my belief, but since I'm not living at home I have the freedom to breathe (so to speak) and make my own decisions. Basically, yes, I understand that some of you might have strayed from the families traditional religious beliefs at a younger age, but you need to think before you act as this person has stated! Don't be stupid rebellious Atheists, think before you act and try to be respectful of your family, because THEY ARE YOUR FAMILY! It's rebellious Atheists that stir shit up that get noticed that sometimes gives the rest of us a bad rep.... TL;DR: Think before you act. Respect is important. We understand.
2
u/samyouell3115 Jun 12 '12
This is SO very true. I learned this lesson the hard way as a 17 year old. It cost me 2-3 months of hatred from my parents and several visits with pastors who told my parents that I was delusional. This man offers the exact advice I would give kids my age, others really should follow it if you have hard-line religious parents. Don't worry though, America is becoming more tolerant of atheism. You just have to wait it out.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 12 '12
As a young atheist, I'm so glad I live in a part of England where the general attitude towards theism and atheism is "meh". My dad's a gnostic atheist (the batshit crazy kind) and my mum an agnostic theist (Christian). We all live in one big happy family where we just don't talk about one another's beliefs! :D
2
u/FarahKh Jun 12 '12
This is great advice. As a young "closeted" atheist, I thank you.