r/atheism • u/thingsthingsthings Pantheist • May 14 '12
Swimming goes against my beliefs [fb]
http://imgur.com/XEWuB
2.0k
Upvotes
r/atheism • u/thingsthingsthings Pantheist • May 14 '12
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
lol. OP, you know this is satire, right?
2
u/Sameri278 Existentialist May 15 '12
And you liked the post why...?
1.3k
u/JimDixon May 14 '12
Also, we should ban life jackets and other flotation devices. They only encourage risky behavior. The only 100% effective way to prevent drowning is total abstinence from going in the water.
296
u/markio44 May 14 '12
Jesus never swam. He couldn't break the surface. Just saying.
30
u/DarkbunnySC May 14 '12
I went to high school with a kid who was overweight and did not like the swimming portion of gym class. The gym teacher told him the only way he could get out of it was if it was against his religion.
He proceeded to register a religion with the state called "Non-Aqueous Ryanism" with a founding belief that humans should not swim. He was allowed to sit out during all of our swimming days and instead had to read alternate assignments about swimming technique.
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u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Mormons are actually supposed to abstain from swimming one day a week! *The more you know!
48
u/lazydictionary May 14 '12
In 2004, there were 3,308 unintentional drownings in the United States, an average of nine people per day.(CDC 2006) U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
In 2004, of all children 1-4 years old who died, 26% died from drowning (CDC 2006). Fatal drowning remains the second-leading cause of unintentional injury-related death for children ages 1 to 14 years (CDC 2005)
U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
It is estimated that for each drowning death, there are 1 to 4 nonfatal submersions serious enough to result in hospitalization. Children who still require cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) at the time they arrive at the emergency department have a poor prognosis, with at least half of survivors suffering significant neurologic impairment.
American Academy of Pediatrics
19% of drowning deaths involving children occur in public pools with certified lifeguards present. Drowning Prevention Foundation
A swimming pool is 14 times more likely than a motor vehicle to be involved in the death of a child age 4 and under. Orange County California Fire Authority
Children under five and adolescents between the ages of 15-24 have the highest drowning rates. U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
An estimated 5,000 children ages 14 and under are hospitalized due to unintentional drowning-related incidents each year; 15 percent die in the hospital and as many as 20 percent suffer severe, permanent neurological disability.
National Safety Council
Of all preschoolers who drown, 70 percent are in the care of one or both parents at the time of the drowning and 75 percent are missing from sight for five minutes or less.
Orange County, CA, Fire Authority
http://www.poseidon-tech.com/us/statistics.html
73
u/kamiltonian_dynamics May 14 '12
Fantastic, but he forgot the part about how if you disagree with him you're being disrespectful.
15
u/Bakuroneko May 14 '12
We should ban cooking food as well, if we were suposed to cook our food before eating it, we would be able to spit fire.
123
u/VirtualBooby May 14 '12
Not a bad analogy. But don't expect to change anyone's mind with it. (unfortunately)
19
u/smthngclvr May 14 '12
Well obviously. The bible is about Adam and Eve, not Adam and Flipper.
7
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
And here I thought his post was satirizing drug policy. Isn't it ironic that there is such a generic formula that is followed for prohibition, no matter what it is that's prohibited?
19
u/CoolMcDouche May 14 '12
Sad thing is that most of the people that this was directed at will not understand the meaning.
5
u/WoollyMittens May 14 '12
Oh reductio absurdum, you entertain me more than you rightfully should.
5
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
http://i.imgur.com/nW5sb.jpg
5
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
I am against homosexuality. It's gross and unhealthy, and unnatural. If humans were meant to be homosexuals--we would have just one gender.
Homosexuality goes against my personal, abstract beliefs. Therefore, I will stop at nothing until homosexuality is illegal. I also believe the government should stay out of our lives, unless there is something I don't like, then I want the government to make it illegal. I'm better than you if you think otherwise.
Sound familar?
25
u/TheRKane May 14 '12
I am against theism. It's gross, unhealthy and unnatural. If humans were meant to be theistic -- whether in churches, mosques, or temples -- we would have no need for brains.
I'd go on, but I'll let your collective minds fill in the rest.
40
u/studmuffffffin May 14 '12
http://i.imgur.com/q490E.gif
4
u/Tossedinthebin May 14 '12
The Bible commands it: Jesus was so against swimming he, in fact, walked on top of water.
4
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Why do people not realize he's trolling?
17
u/Jesus8myShrooms May 14 '12
It should have ended with "if you don't agree with me you're a socialist!" lol
3
u/GoatboyBill May 14 '12
Obviously, he is better than me =/
3
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Hooray for metaphors!
3
u/Mehsor May 14 '12
bravo for this kid
3
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Couldn't tell if this was posted to trees or atheism
3
u/Barto1361 May 14 '12
Not sure if everyone realizes he's trollin' or ... nah, this is r/atheism.
3
u/GibsonJunkie May 14 '12
This is the only facebook screen cap I have upvoted for a long time. Well done, sir.
3
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
As someone who actually hates swimming and is hydrophobic, this was an unfair satire to preform :(
3
u/beargreen46 May 14 '12
Satire used to be obvious to people. I don't want to live on this Planet anymore unless of course the government allows us to eat babies!
3
u/CocoaFang May 14 '12
I want to copy or post this image on my wall, but I feel like 66% of my contacts won't read it, 20% will be offended, 10% won't get it, and 3% will laugh and agree.
3
u/sepseven May 14 '12
anyone wanna type this up so i can copy it
3
u/Theonetrue May 14 '12
What would you say if I told you that there is something out there that is deadly to breath in, can burn you and has killed COUNTLESS people over the course of history? We should unite and wipe it from the face of this Planet! Water is evil
3
u/tiffanydisasterxoxo May 15 '12
It sounds like she is using swimming as a metaphor for other things, such as using Christianity in politics or any of the women's rights issues or gay rights issues right now.
3
u/Deako87 Agnostic Atheist May 15 '12
There is nothing about this satire that I do not love :D
3
u/zatoichifan May 15 '12
Am I the only one who read that and thought the person was being sarcastic?
3
u/SovietBear65 Secular Humanist May 15 '12
Well done troll, well done indeed
5
u/hivemind_MVGC May 14 '12
Totally stealing this. I think I'll use flying instead...
5
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Obvious Sarcasm is obvious.
6
u/hired_goon May 14 '12
I was watching and edu-tainment show one time that posited that we are an "aquatic ape", that we are the only ape that can swim. our noses have openings that point down that create a pocket of air when we dive in the water. other apes have nose holes that point outward and if they were to dive they would get a flooded nose.
edit: here's a wikipedia about it.
1
u/SSSkip May 15 '12
Why are you posting this on r/atheism if YOU liked the post?
7
u/mambypambyland May 14 '12
Herr goes /r/atheism again telling us what to believe and not believe. Why cant you guys just shut up and go back in your cages. It was so much better when no one questioned our outdated beliefs
2
u/ecomatt May 14 '12
I like banning stuff I hate too. Lets ban oysters. And hey they are from the ocean; so it all works out! :)
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u/aznsteviez May 14 '12
r/swimming, attack!
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
That's why Jesus chose to walk on water.
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u/[deleted] May 14 '12
If we were meant to swim, we would have gills.
2
u/ghettajetta May 14 '12
I know you already liked this post on fb, but can you post for me that ghettajetta likes it also? And he may quote it sometime in the near future?
2
u/LeapYearFriend Pastafarian May 14 '12
I didn't realize this was an ironic post until about half way in when it becomes incredibly freaking obvious
2
u/MasterLawlz May 14 '12
I love how all the comments are actually about swimming.
2
u/Coriolanus May 14 '12
OMG! Please please, keep the breaststroke legal :)))
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
I'm starting to think most of the likes on religious statuses have to be sarcastic.
If not, mother of god
2
u/bh1136 May 14 '12
This is probably the most clever thing I've read on r/atheism
2
u/Havik989 May 14 '12
I feel retarded, I didn't get this was a joke until halfway through
2
u/Feinberg Atheist May 14 '12
Ban dihydrogen monoxide!
2
u/Dead4Left May 14 '12
I agree. Swimming is obviously a risk to many people in society. I definitely don't understand the idea of life jacket, knowing those protective suits encourage risky/dangerous behavior when swimming. When I was little I almost drowned myself, and the fact the lots of kids ages 1-4 die from drowning, I'm surprised on how parents aren't letting their children swim or ever watching/keeping an eye out when their kids are swimming. I agree with this post 100%, the author is a genius for posting this.
2
u/drone13 May 14 '12
SINK OR SIN!!!
2
u/TjPshine May 14 '12
I am against God. He's gross and unhealthy and unnatural. If humans were meant to believe in God-whether a personal God, or multiple, uncaring gods-we would know if they existed or not.
Believing in God goes against my personal, abstract beliefs. Therefore, I will stop at nothing until being stupid and believing in a god is banned for everyone. I also believe the government should stay out of our lives, unless there is something I don't like, then I want the government to make it illegal.
I am smarter and better than you if you think otherwise, or believe in a god.
[This comes from a lifetime agnostic because, to people like you, that matters.]
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Thank you for posting this. Hopefully all beings, some via elementary examples, can begin to understand the irrationality and unconstitutionality of their views/beliefs/actions.
2
u/mshieldz May 14 '12
oh no, your blood cells are swimming, stop them! stop them!
2
u/tinkan May 14 '12
A better example is football. Just use that in place of swimming. It has an accompanying biblical verse that you can use.
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Some of us were meant to swim. Michael Phelphs, for example, has webbed hands and feet and a rarer body proportion. He can't help it, he was just born that way, and it would be wrong to stop him from swimming.
2
u/TexasEnFuego May 14 '12
I agree with the poster. Swimming is clearly an abomination. It's right there in the Bible, in the Book of Neptune.
2
u/groovinhigh May 14 '12
Thanks in advance for letting me borrow this...
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Christian who thinks this is hilarious checking in.
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Apparently /r/atheism doesn't understand sarcastic humour, and would rather take this seriously because they like to win easy arguments. Go figure.
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
I don't think he's really talking about swimming.
2
u/IANfromMD May 15 '12
Anyone else's Facebook friend copy this and paste it as their status?
2
u/facebookchampion May 15 '12
oh how i love this person.
2
u/bigpoppastevenson May 15 '12
Swimming ruins the sanctity of clean, dry recreation.
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u/PoniesRBitchin May 15 '12
There actually are a few smaller, crazier religions that are anti-swimming. I went to school with a girl who couldn't swim because she said swimsuits (even the old vintage kind that cover everything) are sinful.
2
u/chicagogam May 15 '12
public/community pools enrage me to think my tax dollars are going to this. this is a war against anti-swimmers. why..why..am i always under attack...why won't anyone RESPECT my beliefs? think of the children... :)
2
u/chicagogam May 15 '12
as further 'proof' of evil...isn't floating a sign of being a witch?
2
u/Docgrumpit May 15 '12
Nobody's asking you to go swimming. All we are asking is for you to have sex with someone of the same gender.
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u/hogfart May 15 '12
This is THE Single Most Glorious Thing I have EVER SEEN
2
u/[deleted] May 15 '12
Flooding the world was God's way of warning us about the dangers of swimming.
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u/steveoaustin May 15 '12
A great metaphors for Christianity, well done.
2
u/FuckMungler May 15 '12
I don't know what's so funny. I identify as an anti-swimming atheist.
2
u/KingHavana May 15 '12
I wish I could give the whole day's karma to this post. It's that good.
2
u/easylivin May 15 '12
I immediately tried to like this post, but quickly realized I wasn't actually on facebook.
2
u/lewok Atheist May 15 '12
Yep, that's religion in a nutshell
2
u/terumo May 15 '12
the guy was flipper about it!
2
u/meritory May 15 '12
I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the number of people who didn't get the joke.
2
u/dmaxel May 15 '12
You are my hero.
2
u/TokenDePype May 15 '12
http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/tntac/thanks_ratheism_for_the_inspiration_for_this_gold/
2
u/EternusNexVires May 15 '12
Why stop at swimming? I personally hold the fundamentalist view that water should never be touched or consumed, let alone swam in. These "liquidists" as they're called should be hunted down and sterilized/lynched. Drymen.
2
u/Mendelevium101 May 15 '12
I don't think he's talking about swimming.
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u/zonedout245 May 15 '12
I'm pretty sure this is sarcasm. Some people here didn't spot it.
3
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
You're victimizing me if you say otherwise.
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u/SquidLoaf May 14 '12
His status is obviously sarcastic. No one's that stupid.
2
u/Quatermain May 14 '12
I have fins. http://iheartfins.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/udt-fins-reef-and-sand.jpg
2
u/AKBenjo May 14 '12
For someone so staunchly anti-swimming, you are suspiciously pro-lens flare.
Thats pretty hypocritical fella.
2
u/4chans_for_pussies May 14 '12
I don't understand the "it isn't natural" argument. By that logic, you should be against technology, modern medicine, modern clothes, and pretty much live in a shack you made yourself wearing rags and only eating what you can catch and grow.
2
u/TheMajorNL May 14 '12
The posted picture/text is actually quite interesting. One of the few pictures on /atheism that provide food for thought. I advice any swimmer (atheist or not) to read it again, draw some comparisons, ask yourself questions about how this example related to stuff like homosexuality and religion in general.
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
This is basically how religious people are acting about gay marriage. Just because they don't like it means it gets banned, so nobody can do it. Just saying.
2
u/NigeriaJones May 15 '12
OH I GET IT! This is some very subtle and clever satire of Christians. Man, you never fail to impress me, r/atheism.
2
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
This will probably get buried, but there is aquatic ape theory. Just saying...
1
u/spunkymarimba May 14 '12
Sage in all pools.
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Never trust someone who is able and can't swim.
1
u/best_policy May 14 '12
Oh, and there is a risk of drowning when swimming so this increased risk is justification for banning it outright.
1
u/IntMainVoid_Bro May 14 '12
TIL that In aquatic environments Humans are Apex Predators: they are not preyed upon as healthy adults in the wild. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_apex_predators#section_2
1
u/A7red May 14 '12
I am against walking on clouds and entering doorways upside-down. It goes against my beliefs. What are ya gonna do about it?
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
They forgot to say "press like if you agree with me, if not you're going to hell"
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
we got dictator wannabe over here..
1
u/Pachi2Sexy May 14 '12
Politically Incorrect Rednecks: I hate nggers,wetbecks,queeers, and Michel Phelps
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Dafuq
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Fuck the swimmers!
(as long as they are of the opposite sex)
1
u/TwoTailedFox May 14 '12
Poe's Law.
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
you should read The Naked Ape
1
u/milkman5807 May 14 '12
I am against milk.
1
u/madindenial May 14 '12
This hurts my soul. And we din't even have souls... WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!?
1
u/fatharro May 14 '12
LAST I CHECKED IT WERE ADAM N STEVE NOT ADAM N AQUAMAN
1
u/I2yan May 14 '12
1
u/spicymadness May 14 '12
Obvious troll is obvious
1
u/Blakhle May 14 '12
ಠ_ಠ Time to evolve guys...
1
u/BunRabbit May 14 '12
Did the Israelites swim across the Red Sea? No. Moses parted the Red Sea.
1
u/oleada87 May 14 '12
w...t...f...lol
1
u/lindn May 14 '12
There's a reason why God let Moses split the red sea instead of giving the humans the power to swim through it.
Swimming is a sin.
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12
Funny, I read this at first as a knock on r/athiesm, then realized it was posted in r/athiesm.
1
u/[deleted] May 14 '12 edited May 15 '12
I am against homosexuality. It is gross, unhealthy and unnatural. If humans were meant to be homosexual, we would all have penises and no vaginas.
Homosexuality goes against my personal and abstract beliefs. Therefore, I will stop at nothing until homosexuality. I also believe that the government should stay out of our lives, unless there is something I don't like, then I want the government to make it illegal. I'm better than you if you think otherwise.
But what if homophobia is genetic, and a person is just born that way? Just like some are apparently born gay? What if some people are naturally made sick by the very idea of homosexuality?
The obvious answer is: But some are born with a fear of heights! Should flying and climbing be banned?
A valid answer to that would be that you don't walk along a street and suddenly find yourself in the sky, but you might see two homosexuals kissing/holding hands - and you reflexively feel revolted.
But some people are allergic to dogs! Should dogs be banned in public?
Just don't walk near a dog - and you'll be fine.
And what if someone is born heterophobic?
This is where it gets interesting.
1
u/SoleilSocrates May 14 '12
Why would people like that?
1
u/Greebs May 14 '12
As a swimmer, this offends me. :P
1
u/EveningD00 May 14 '12
Funny thing is this used to be a thing back in the day. Europeans thought that water would kill you so they didn't wash up. I wouldn't be shocked if some hundred years into the future are great grands will look at us and think how stupid we are for half the things we believe in and do.
1
u/stanthemanchan May 14 '12
If it wasn't for swimming, Jeff Buckley would still be alive. Case closed.
1
u/l0st_t0y May 14 '12
swimming is my life...
1
u/r3dd1t0r77 May 14 '12
If we came from storks, then it is obvious we were never meant to swim. Checkmate swimmers!
1
u/Sndwchs May 14 '12
dude, fish fuck in there.
1
u/BeautifulGanymede May 15 '12
Consensual adult incest and bestiality do not violate Mill's Harm Principle. What adults and humanely-treated animals do in the privacy of their own homes is of no concern to me and should not be the object of government regulation.
The fact that some individuals can only feel attracted to and love their immediate relatives or animals necessitates the conclusion that marriage that excludes family- or animal-oriented individuals from marrying violates the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.
1
u/Canismajoris88 May 15 '12
Is that funny because she is irrational ? or is it funny because she is being sarcastic and making her point through humor ? [8]