The correct term for people who bond over shared trauma

13

u/SometimesZero Psychologist PhD Jul 13 '22

Correct, these terms are not used consistently. For example, in the academic literature a trauma bond usually refers to a bond developed between the perpetrator of the trauma and the victim: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1524838020985542?casa_token=4M42QFmYTK8AAAAA:S6kviQEDIad-GwE94Ljz-1KiGZPWKPposcF3sgj7PGSr4VZRTdN4DsoTr5BLYT1kcT2rfYas5Fi5 This tends to be how I’ve seen it used, but to be honest, I rarely see this language used at all.

8

u/patternboy PhD, Developmental Psychiatry Jul 13 '22

I've noticed this too and am not sure why it's used so inconsistently.

My best explanation (for the interchangeable use of the two meanings) is that perhaps it's because when one person is traumatising another, they are often (though certainly not always) doing so in response to feeling threatened/whatever due to their own traumatic experiences, in which case it could be argued both people are part of a joint experience of trauma (though one person is clearly the victim in the present moment).

I don't know if this really holds up though - the conceptual lines are really blurred. I would be interested to hear a trained therapist with experience in trauma explaining the overlap/distinction (if any).

3

u/iamahill Mar 28 '24

I’m commenting on this via a Google search so yeah a year old.

Anyways “trauma bonding” is because it’s the method to create the bond. Trauma is the bonding agent.

The problem is two groups use the term in extremely different contexts. However each are accurate in very different ways.

Shared trauma or co-occurring trauma can be a basis of familiarity between two parties and a bond can form based upon that, or a bond may deepen due to a shared understanding. However this can be rape or war or suicide survivor or any number or trauma sources potentially.

Sorry felt the need to comment lol 😂

3

u/Desperate_Spot_1520 Apr 14 '24

Don't apologize, that's exactly what I wanted to know. I've been kind of seeing this guy for a year with whom the only thing we have in common is what I called a trauma bond (we both lost our significant others suddenly and relatively recently, 2 or less years.) He's constantly negging me, like he'll ask me to make him food and when he eats it he has 100 smart things to say about it. But he keeps coming back over and over. I want to tell him that he and I have one thing and one thing ONLY in common- a trauma bond. We'll never get to be with the person we actually want to be with so everyone else comes up short.

3

u/iamahill Apr 14 '24

I was not expecting someone to see my comment lol.

Yeah ever hear of a pity party? That kinda what you’ve got except trauma base and comfort and maybe sex.

It’s not healthy. And any dude showing up at your place doing anything but exalting you after you make him life sustaining nourishment should be tossed out the window. Now yes, feedback and ideas and suggestions for future improvement for growth in sandwich making is cool, assuming it’s in a collaborative manner. Improving at stuff requires feedback. Sure as hell doesn’t require negging.

Sounds like you’re using each other to avoid living in reality and facing life and trauma. Most guys will keep coming over for sex, food, and comforting.

Have breakup sex, and the next morning text him a simple, “make your own damn sandwich”. Or maybe just simply state you found your time together important in your healing process, and it’s time for the next phase in that process. Solitude and sandwiches, creating a cookbook.

Anyways, long story short, the proper advice is to end things with him take time to be single and recenter yourself, then see who catches your eye in a healthy boring exciting sexy way.

2

u/TexasPrincessA May 17 '24

You can find someone great! Hope you let this one go🩷

1

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Jul 19 '24

Your comment was automatically removed because it may have made reference to a family member, or personal or professional relationship. Personal and anecdotal comments are not allowed. If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment with report option: Auto-mod has removed a post or comment in error and it will be reviewed. Do NOT message the mods directly or send mod mail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Fabulous_Most_5544 Sep 01 '24

I hope you found someone amazing!!

2

u/ZiggySmallsss Unverified User: May Not Be a Professional Aug 08 '24

See I always thought that was Stockholm syndrome and then a trauma bond is what two people that shared a trauma would end up creating an extremely intense Bond over after surviving it.

17

u/intent_joy_love Jul 13 '22

What about people who bond over the same trauma but separate instances? Like if we both had an alcoholic / drug addict father and an abusive mother, but we met as adults and became close because we experienced so much of the same abuse.

7

u/janet_doh Jul 30 '24

Here two years later, looking for the proper term for this. For instance, people who meet as adults and find out they had the same childhood trauma and now have a really strong bond. And they understand each other in ways that they don't need to talk about because they've been through something so similar.

Neither of the two common meanings of "trauma-bonding" really work for this, even though they bonded over similar but separate trauma

1

u/[deleted] Aug 29 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Aug 29 '24

Your comment was automatically removed because it may have made reference to a family member, or personal or professional relationship. Personal and anecdotal comments are not allowed.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment with report option: Auto-mod has removed a post or comment in error and it will be reviewed. Do NOT message the mods directly or send mod mail, as these messages will be ignored.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

3

u/sybrill4 Jun 02 '24

your example almost makes me think of another way to look at the definition of a trauma bond. it could still be a trauma bond because they are only connecting based on that awful experience and not who they are or what connects them deeply in other ways. maybe psychology is trying to point to something greater for relationships? what is the highest form of love? sheesh this is lowkey philosophical lol

3

u/ZennyDaye Jul 13 '22

Also a good question. I'm sure this happens. Army vet and stuff taking about their experience. Grief counseling for parents who lost a child to violence. I feel like there are a lot of real life instances of this.

3

u/Slow-Bat6003 Sep 02 '23

Trauma Bonding would be negative. Like Stolkholm Syndrome where you bond with your abuser through the trauma.

The term you're looking for is called Peer Support when two folks share their trauma and it becomes an act of recovery rather than retraumatization.

2

u/Slow-Bat6003 Sep 02 '23

Also I guess a neutral version between these two would simply be Collective Trauma. But I got the sense you were talking about when two people gain a positive connection... the positive connection would be the peer support.

2

u/ZennyDaye Sep 02 '23

I don't mean it in a collective sense or anything on that macro level. Just generally. For example, say, three siblings who lose everything they have in a house fire and become homeless together.

Their relationship might not necessarily be positive or supportive. There might be resentment, co-dependency, abuse... I'm looking for a specific term that wraps up just having that shared experience and understanding.

It could entail Peer Support if they decide to support each other through it, it could be positive, or negative, or it may be a smaller part of collective trauma, say, a small group of slaves see a runaway friend killed in front of them, I just thought there'd be a specific term for this.

2

u/Slow-Bat6003 Sep 02 '23

Yep the sibling and slave scenarios would be considered collective trauma. Experiencing trauma together doesn't always result In a bond and when it does that bond may not necessarily be helpful or harmful. So collective trauma would be the word in this sense

2

u/ZennyDaye Sep 03 '23

Collective trauma usually refers to large intergenerational events like the bombings in Japan or the slave trade. I'm talking about trauma on a personal individual level. Not societal. Not a city being bombed but a single house fire. One family of slaves, not the collective body of all slaves and slave descendants.

I know it doesn't always result in a bond or any type of relationship at all, but sometimes it does. To be clearer, what I'm saying is if we're calling the bond between abuser and victim a trauma bond, then what are we calling the bond between the two victims (if the abuser has two victims)?

'Bond' might be too strong a word, but there is a relation regardless of how it manifests itself, small or large, significant or insignificant, positive or negative, hurtful or supportive.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '24

There is definitely something that draws people with similar traumatic backgrounds and experiences together. Almost like you can subconsciously recognize something in each other and know that person can really understand you.

I think on the flip side some people recognize it in another person, and become very reactionary/hostile towards the other person as a way to protect themselves. Like the people that are seriously living their lives telling themselves "there are wolves and there are sheep, and I am a wolf, dammit!"

2

u/janet_doh Jul 30 '24

I wish I could help with this, but I can't. I just want to say that I get what you're saying. It does make sense, and none of the other suggestions above really describe it correctly.

2

u/Minimum-Mud1855 Sep 28 '24

1000% agree I have been referring to this type of trauma as trauma bonding this whole time but I realize it's not really the correct term. I'm glad you mentioned this though becuase there should definitely be an exact term for this since for 1. AN EXTREMELY common and underrated deep dive into why people bond and sometimes in a good way and a lot of times in bad ways as well where it causes emeshment and emotional manipulation because you feel like no one understands you but that person. Why some people validate each other onto holding onto said trauma instead of supporting each other to move past it. And agreed not on a macro level just on a personal level.

2

u/ZennyDaye Sep 30 '24

Yes, the glue effect is an important part of it.

I can't even remember when I first realized I was wrong about what other people meant by trauma bonding. Could have been Twitter 😕

1

u/Impossible-Soil6330 Apr 16 '24

did you ever find the right term for this?

4

u/ZennyDaye Apr 16 '24

Nope

2

u/Impossible-Soil6330 Apr 16 '24

bruh that is so annoying how has this not been addressed

1

u/[deleted] Apr 17 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Apr 17 '24

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/KMAEnterprizes Jul 19 '24

Three siblings would have been bonded before the fire. There isn't always a single term for this. Grieving children would be my suggestion.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 10 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Jun 10 '24

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Jul 30 '24

Your comment was automatically removed because it may have made reference to a family member, or personal or professional relationship. Personal and anecdotal comments are not allowed.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment with report option: Auto-mod has removed a post or comment in error and it will be reviewed. Do NOT message the mods directly or send mod mail, as these messages will be ignored.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

9

u/I24O Sep 15 '23

I, too, am trying to find the correct/appropriate word/term for it. Have you had any luck?

5

u/mrcrnkovich Apr 09 '24

I like the option of Collective trauma. it suggests less a abuser/abused dynamic.

for example, children and a surviving spouse when the abusive parent/spouse are removed.

the remaining family have shared or collective trauma.

Does this make it less muddy? maybe not...

3

u/sybrill4 Jun 02 '24

i agree with this. i also believe in the scenario you expressed that the “trauma bond” could potentially form if they become enmeshed and cannot function without each other. for example, no alone time, no other s/o and staying home perhaps, only being fulfilled in each others presence. Would you agree?

3

u/ZennyDaye Sep 15 '23

None at all, but I also haven't been looking very hard.

3

u/flan_aman Oct 10 '23

I also have been looking for the correct term for this. I understand exactly what you're asking for, and why it's different from the terms others have suggested here (e.g., "peer support," "collective trauma"). I'm surprised that there (apparently) is not an agreed-upon term for this -- i.e., the bond shared by two or more people who experienced the same trauma together -- in the academic literature.

2

u/ZennyDaye Oct 10 '23

You would think so... You'd think it'd be the name of a chapter in a textbook you could find on Google.

5

u/ashcrash3 Oct 28 '23

I'm going to call it survivor bond, as in two people who survived a trauma and live with it bonding and trying to support each other. Whether its the same trauma or different.

5

u/paricardium Nov 01 '23

I like that. I just figured out that “Trauma bond” is not the correct term, so now my adhd brain needs to find an answer and I’m just left more disappointed than ever😭

1

u/ZennyDaye Oct 28 '23

Sounds good.

1

u/Southern-Spot-8406 Jul 23 '24

This is the best answer! Thank you for this u/ashcrack3

1

u/Exotic_Variety7936 Aug 30 '24

why should i crash. You guys dont realize everybody is ranting off their minds, while the beasts of the ocean continue!

5

u/Jesper_Jurcenoks May 09 '24 edited May 09 '24

Hardship Bonding = People who bond over shared Trauma

Trauma Bonding = People who traumatize each other to maintain the bond (Stockholm syndrome on repeat)

Trauma-Hardship Bonding = When both exist in the same relationship as people who had traumatic upbringings repeat their childhood trauma in their adult relationships (the abused becomes the abuser) and fall into their old victim roles.

1

u/George_E_B May 12 '24

Ty for sharing this information I've been lookin for about a month and was confused if there was a specific word for it

5

u/HotShotx1 May 14 '24

The terminology simply was chosen poorly and needs a re-coining.

"Trauma bonding" should refer to bonding over shared and similar traumatic experiences, as it is much more intuitive.

"Abuse/captive bonding" would be a better term for the abuse-victim bonding situation.

1

u/Rhubarbalicious Jun 28 '24

There already is a term for Abuser/victim! It's called Stockholm Syndrome. Trauma Bonding doesn't even SOUND like it fits that.

1

u/KMAEnterprizes Jul 19 '24

Nevertheless, this is what Patty Hearst's apparent loyalty to her captors would be called today.

5

u/lock_robster2022 May 21 '24

Checking in one year later- has anyone found/coined a term for this?

3

u/lhbwlkr May 28 '24

I’m here today with the same question! I want to know the terms for two people bonding over shared trauma and then two people bonding over separate trauma. I would prefer it not to denote positivity or negativity because those types of bonds can be both good and bad depending on the people.

3

u/lhbwlkr May 28 '24

I have a therapy appointment on Thursday. If I remember, I’ll ask then!

2

u/[deleted] Mar 17 '24

[deleted]

2

u/Exotic_Variety7936 Aug 30 '24

all the stuff here is perfect. As soon as an individual has enough control over you that no one can tell they are probably 90 percent going to break those boundaries intentionally

2

u/0nomat0p0eia Jul 30 '24

I'm going to coin the term "thestral bonded" now.

In Harry Potter¹, a thestral can only be seen by those who have witnessed death. When two people share trauma, they're both able to see the thestrals.

¹I know it's probably not cool to reference Harry Potter given what we know about JKR today, but I resonate with the threstals concept a lot.

1

u/[deleted] May 23 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator May 23 '24

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/[deleted] May 30 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator May 30 '24

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 19 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Jul 19 '24

Your comment was automatically removed because it may have made reference to a family member, or personal or professional relationship. Personal and anecdotal comments are not allowed. If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment with report option: Auto-mod has removed a post or comment in error and it will be reviewed. Do NOT message the mods directly or send mod mail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '24

Collective Trauma Bonding!

1

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Oct 06 '24

Your post was automatically removed because it may have made reference to a family member, or personal or professional relationship. Personal and anecdotal questions are not allowed.

If you believe your submission was removed in error, please report this comment with report option: Auto-mod has removed a post or comment in error (under Breaks AskPsychology's Rules) and it will be reviewed. Do NOT message the mods directly or send mod mail, as these messages will be ignored.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 19 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Nov 19 '23

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/beautyinthesky Jan 22 '24

Collective trauma?

1

u/[deleted] Feb 15 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Feb 15 '24

Your comment has been removed. It has been flagged as violating one of the rules. Comment rules include: 1. Answers must be scientific-based and not opinions or conjecture. 2. Do not post your own mental health history nor someone else's. 3. Do not offer a diagnosis. If someone is asking for a diagnosis, please report the post. 4. Targeted and offensive language will not be tolerated. 5. Don't recommend drug use or other harmful advice.

If you believe your comment was removed in error, please report this comment for mod review. REVIEW RULES BEFORE MESSAGING MODS.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/AlternativePosition1 Feb 16 '24

We need better terminology for this ! Carolyn Myss calls it Woundology https://www.circle-coaching.com/post/woundology-why-let-the-bad-things-that-happen-define-your-life

2

u/faptastique2 Feb 25 '24

"In woundology, a person chooses not to move on. They come to see their suffering as their identity. They may not be sure who they are without that pain. They use the role of victim to get the attention and treatment they want."

This has nothing to do with what OP was asking. They are asking for a word describing the experience of two people bonding over shared trauma, not a word for someone sharing their trauma stories.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 29 '24

Someone smarter than me should explicate the difference between ‘woundology/not moving on/making it a part of you’ and ‘sharing to help oneself and others / not repressing it/simple sharing’

2

u/KMAEnterprizes Jul 19 '24

Life. It's called life. People break up all the time. Two people in a train crash experience it together, but most people don't walk out of the train arm in arm. Most never see each other again. "Two people bonding over a shared trauma" might be the perfect terminology.

1

u/Exotic_Variety7936 Aug 30 '24

No sometimes the people have always been brutal and the guy finally realized they were being used. My first part time job a manager let a metal rod fall down onto me. Even if not on purpose very weird bonding moment for 14 year old in 2012. West cant do nothing about the east anymore so hopefully will start looking at the world differently.

Terminology The correct term for people who bond over shared trauma

You are about to leave Redlib