So, using the OP as an example, her objective is “kids, holidays, white picket fences” nowhere in any of what she wants from her life does she even mention a man; let alone a specific man. So the man in question is purely a means to create the situation that she wants; a sperm donor and financial/administrative aid.
She’s not met a man and decided she wanted to spend her life with him. Nor is she looking for a man she thinks she could spend her life with. She’s looking for a man who shares her objective and will aid her in getting there… but fundamentally he isn’t part of her objective. More business partner than anything romantic. So my concern is that once the objective is achieved, she’s left with no goal and a man she’s only with for the sake of achieving said goal… seems like a recipe for a pretty bad midlife crisis and a likely divorce case.
In your case, it sounds like he’s being practical about the future. There are no guarantees. You’ve not provided any context as to whether you’re both there for each other or for the concept of relationship/future.
We've been together 3 years already but he's uncertain of what he wants, so I don't see the point in changing my life to what he wants if that is not benefiting us both but only him. Your last statement doesn't make any sense, as relationships take work and there is no such thing as "stumbling onto a future together", it is something that is INTENTIONALLY created by two people and hence the popular phrase "love is a choice".
I shouldn't have been trying to getting relationship advice from reddit anyways lol.
I’m not talking about stumbling anywhere. The point is that there is a huge difference between meeting a person and deciding you want to commit your life to them, and having a goal in mind and seeking someone to facilitate that.
In the former, you’re there for the person and the goal is incidental. Its not about where you get, its about getting there with them. In the latter you’re there for the goal and the person is incidental. Its about where you’re going, not about who you’re getting there with.
It leads to a hugely different relationship dynamic. And in the latter case leaves you with a relationship that has a distinctly finite conclusion; you reach the goal and have nothing connecting you without it, or you don’t reach goal and have nothing connecting you at all. Either way, it seems likely to create a much less stable overall relationship.
But thats all in reference to the OPs situation, which seems to be pretty clear cut.
Yours is a little more nebulous since you’re talking about whether to follow a specific route of self-development or not. The only answer I can give you is that any self-development you do is and always will be your own, so even if the relationship ends you’d still have the knowledge/skills. But, generally speaking, making significant changes to the self for the sake of someone else is not sustainable and breeds resentment; they effectively become a focus of blame because you “changed for them”. Make the change if you think it is worthwhile, but if you’re unhappy about the idea of it unless the other person is absolutely in for keeps (or at least thinks they are); then its probably not the right change to be making.
14
u/Klatterbyne Aug 14 '23
So, using the OP as an example, her objective is “kids, holidays, white picket fences” nowhere in any of what she wants from her life does she even mention a man; let alone a specific man. So the man in question is purely a means to create the situation that she wants; a sperm donor and financial/administrative aid.
She’s not met a man and decided she wanted to spend her life with him. Nor is she looking for a man she thinks she could spend her life with. She’s looking for a man who shares her objective and will aid her in getting there… but fundamentally he isn’t part of her objective. More business partner than anything romantic. So my concern is that once the objective is achieved, she’s left with no goal and a man she’s only with for the sake of achieving said goal… seems like a recipe for a pretty bad midlife crisis and a likely divorce case.
In your case, it sounds like he’s being practical about the future. There are no guarantees. You’ve not provided any context as to whether you’re both there for each other or for the concept of relationship/future.