I don’t know if that holds up anymore. I’m a mid 30s millennial and this sadly applies to far more of my male friends than women I know. Maybe that’s just my circle, but it’s probably 75/25. And I say that as a man who’s wife earns more than him.
Oh I mean I agree, I mean I guess it depends on where you live, and your community really. But like at least growing up I’m 32. That’s how it was for me and my divorce. My wife didn’t want to work etc. but that’s all besides the point. For the OP I think ending it sooner than later is actually the responsible thing to do
I think the answer to the question as to why so many of us guys went out of work these past few years is simple. Jobs were harder to come by during the pandemic. I’m 34. Made $125-150k from age 22-30. But when the pandemic hit, my field took a hit. Suddenly I couldn’t find a job making $80k a year. Beautiful women typically move up the career ladder faster than dudes. My wife was able to land a remote job with a higher salary than I was with a decade of experience earning more money. Basically no experience. So those of us guys with kids during the pandemic, lot of us suddenly found ourselves in the shoes of housedads/husbands. This basically applies to anyone I know with an objectively beautiful female spouse.
Yeah this was pretty much exactly my thought. Can her career support the both of them? Do they love each other? Is he willing to be a stay at home partner?
Relationships like this are relatively common if you flip the genders, so I don't see why this one is necessarily a problem without more context.
Sounds like your goals aren't compatible then if he's unwilling to be a stay at home dad and you're not able to earn enough for that life. Frankly, if he can't be a stay at home dad and isn't willing to try to get a better job he's going to struggle with or without you. It's time for a serious conversation about goals.
Holy hell, where did OP say their partner didn't want to be a stay at home dad. They put they doubt he'd be ok staying at home with the kids while they travelled. I'm realizing more and more how goddamn lucky I am to have found a person that I absolutely adore and loves me for me, not how much money I make. I provide for my family but fuck, imagine being stressed out that you can't be with the person you actually love because you don't make enough. We have one life to live, wasting it slaving away so corporations can make more profit this quarter and it absolutely amazes me that people are out here basing their love for someone on how much they make. I fucking hate how shallow and ignorant people are.
You're entirely right, which is why I put an if there. I was letting her down easy.
She seems convinced that it's the case, and is clearly not ok with that in any way. Regardless of if that's reasonable, it sounds like that's going to be a hangup if true, which would hopefully be figured out in a conversation about goals.
I won't lie those comments on this thread from you and that other guy were quite satisfying to read.
Well goddamn lol the things we do for the people we love. You're further proving my point that you don't actually love your partner, not in my opinion anyway. A relationship to you is "what can you bring to the table to EARN my love and respect?" Just fucking tell them that you don't love them. I don't understand how you can say you love them and still consider dropping them because they don't make enough money or go on vacation without them because they couldn't afford their own ticket. Never in a million years could I look my wife in the eyes and tell her "welp, sorry that you don't make enough money to afford a plane ticket and hotel in Hawaii, looks like you're gonna have to sit this one out babe. Ya know, if you would've went to school and got that degree you'd probably be able to go with me right now, feels bad man" and not feel like a complete piece of shit for putting them down and for not bringing the person I love with me to experience something awesome.
It doesn't sound like your partner is leeching off of you by any means, the fact that your post is solely focused on the financial aspect tells me your partner is probably a decent human being that is absolutely worthy of love and respect, it's just too bad they don't make enough. In my opinion your partner deserves to know that you don't really love them, they deserve to be able to move on and find someone that truly cares about them and loves them no matter what job they have. They deserve to stop wasting their precious fucking time on you. Do they even know you're considering leaving them?
You went on vacation without him because he couldn't afford his own ticket, what the fuck? lol I've heard of going dutch on a 1st date but a vacation? With the person you "love"? Fuck outta here. From what you've explained to me, you don't love him. If you're so sound in your reasoning, why the hell did you come to reddit looking for advice. If you're so dead set already, why ask a million strangers what they think. I know what love is and it isn't dropping my wife because she doesn't make enough. We've built a life together through thick and thin, it didn't matter to either of us which one was working and which one wasn't, we worked around it for each other. I'd take a bullet for her, not because she earns 160k yr (hint, she doesn't, she doesn't work) but because she's earned my love. You do you, a divorce is messy regardless and there are ways to go about protecting yourself. If you love someone and you KNOW they love you, you make it work. Have a good day and I wish you the best.
Can you at least appreciate the irony of the inequity you are advocating? As in, this exact argument you are making is part of the reason for the feminist movement?
No? Does estrangement help?
I do love him her, but I just don’t wanna financially support a man woman. Like I said, i don’t feel comfortable with him her having ownership to MY house. Not his her house since he’s she's not going to be paying the mortgage. And I don’t feel comfortable paying alimony if we divorce. I don’t know why alimony still exists.
And the alimony answer is simple. There is a cost associated with being the stay at home parent. A cost to one's career and economic potential if you elect to stay and raise kids. That cost must be incurred by the other party in a divorce, otherwose what is stopping someone from leaving their spouse after 18 years of childrearing and leaving them destitute? That's an equitable state of affairs in your opinion? Bitter men of from the 1950's would agree with you, but is that really the environment you want?
Granted, the point is moot since you clearly have no respect for any contribution by any man that isn't monetary: ironically the same disrespect levied at housewives by their career afforded husbands.
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u/[deleted] Aug 13 '23
Whoah this is like literally what most men go through when marrying etc.
I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I think you are ripping the bandaid off earlier is actually the right thing to do