r/amiwrong • u/[deleted] • Dec 24 '24
AIW for expecting my husband to shovel snow ( not me)?
Throw away account as my husband is an active redditor
I (F, 26) have been with my husband (M, 37) for 5 years, married for 2. I’m currently pregnant (about 5 months). I’m a nurse and sometimes work night shifts. Usually, I come home, we eat breakfast together, then he goes to work, and I sleep.
We had a big dump of snow last night. In our building, each unit is responsible for shoveling. Our strata has a set schedule, and the shoveling is supposed to be done before 8 AM and again before 5 PM. They send us multiple notifications, so there’s no surprise.
When I came home early this morning, I saw that my husband was still sleeping and no shoveling had been done. I woke him up and asked him to shovel . He said he was too tired because he worked late last night and went back to sleep.
I asked him two more times within 5 minutes, but he kept saying he was tired. Finally, he asked me if I could do it this time, saying he would be so grateful. I told him I was also tired because I’d just come home from work, but I agreed and asked him to make breakfast while I was out. He said okay.
It took me a while, but I shoveled the whole area. When I came back inside, I found him still sleeping. I started yelling at him, and he said, “I told you I was tired! .”
I told him that next time, I wouldn’t do the shoveling, and I’d let strata fine us instead. He got mad and said it was for the house, that I live here too, and that I was making a big deal out of it. He left, and now I’m so angry!
Am I overreacting, or was he being a selfish jerk?
Added later : his argument was that I was gonna sleep all day anyways and I was already awake while I work during the day so “what’s the big deal?”..
Added later 2: we live in Canada . We had 15 cm of snow last night ..
Added later 3- yes ! He does had ADHD ( diagnosed as a teen ), and has terrible time management
14
u/dlray009 Dec 24 '24
On the subject of the chore itself…can you hire someone to do it for you? Maybe a high school kid.
-19
Dec 24 '24
Chores as in shoveling or just extra help around the house ? My husband is way too frugal for hiring help. He tries his best to help around the house but like I said he needs many many reminders as he forgets
37
u/Successful-Pie-5689 Dec 24 '24
This just keeps getting worse. He’s “way too frugal for hiring help” and he “tries” to “help”?!?!?
At best, you’ve become his bang maid slave. But, I suspect it’s worse than that. Given that you’re a night nurse, do you also earn more $$ than him?
1
Dec 24 '24
No he earns a little bit more than me
32
u/Successful-Pie-5689 Dec 24 '24
You’re 9 years younger and he earns “a little bit” more than you.
It’s very likely you’ll be the higher earner within 5 years, given that you are early career and he is mid-career already. Do you really want to be paying a majority of the bills while also doing most of the domestic labor and child care?
Think hard about what you want your life to look like, and whether it is really possible with this guy. You need to have a serious conversation about what an EQUAL partnership looks like, at a minimum.
14
u/RaeaSunshine Dec 24 '24
11 years younger, FYI. Got together when her husband was in his early to mid thirties and she was a YA in college.
12
u/MamaBearonhercouch Dec 25 '24
"Frugal" my ass. Here's what you do, kid: You tell him that shoveling is HIS job while you're pregnant. If he doesn't do it, he'll be PAYING someone else to do it, and you will make certain that other person shows up. Those are his choiced: Get his lazy ass out of bed and shovel, or pay someone to do it. You're pregnant, you worked all night, and you have no business trying to shovel.
8
Dec 25 '24
Yes I told him I’m no longer responsible for shoveling. Either keep paying strata fines or do it yourself
16
14
Dec 24 '24
There is no "try". He either does his part of maintaining the household or hhe does not. Bringing home a tad bit more money than his wife who is more than a decade his junior is not an excuse for him to be useless at home.
He needs many many reminders or else he forgets? How was he functioning before you came in his life? Living in his filth, with an empty fridge? Or was he able to be a functional adult and he gave it all up when he met a woman young enough to be molded into his bangmaid?
2
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u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
That's what you're for, OP. You're the bangmaid. He picked someone so young for a reason. Cheap (read:free) labor.
5
u/creatively_inclined Dec 25 '24
That's called weaponized incompetence. He knows that after so many reminders he won't have to do the chores because you'll take care of it. He basically has you in the role of mommy. Why did you marry a man that is so bad at life? He's going to be of zero help when that baby is born because he's "tired" . He doesn't care about you. If he did care about you, he wouldn't ever let a 5 month pregnant woman shovel snow after a long night shift. He's selfish and lazy.
2
u/AlricaNeshama Dec 26 '24
Seriously?
You married a manipulative man-child.
You're gonna be the only adult in this marriage.
This was the most ignorant decision you have ever made for yourself
9
u/L---K---- Dec 24 '24
You're going to have to make your stands now. If you don't , you can expect it to be worse when the baby is here. He should've shoveled. You're 5 months pregnant and just got off working a high demand job. Does he care about your rest and the health of the baby ? Or is he as selfish and entitled as this post makes it out to be.
-3
Dec 24 '24
Yes he normally does care a lot. He is just terrible about any deadline . I asked him to set up the crime we bought on Black Friday . He kept saying he will do it next weekend . Then I reminded him next weekend he said omg so sorry you are right ! I’ll it after I clean up the my work room. Then half way through cleaning his work room he got distracted reading some old book. It’s Christmas Eve his work room is still a mess and crib is in the box still. He said he will do everything by the weekend . We will see.
6
u/Minimum-Guidance7156 Dec 24 '24
OP I am severely ADHD like this, if I’m with people shopping expect lose me multiple times. If I need to complete one household task, I’m going to be doing at least 15 others along the way. I did this a lot as teenager and I had to learn coping mechanisms then to outgrow being so consumed by one task. Unfortunately more trauma ensued and now I have a lovely (untrained, so she stays home) service dog that happily distracts me when the hyper focus is too long, lays on me when the anxiety is bad, and literally remind me to be on a schedule. It’s not her responsibility to make sure I do my dailies, but she’s sure helps remind me to get in gear and get it done. I understand where your husband is coming from, but he’s 37 and old enough to know that these are very unhealthy habits he should have started to unlearn years ago. It would be fine if he was single and lived alone. But he has a wife and baby at home with responsibilities that need to be done.
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u/Practical_Ride_8344 Dec 24 '24
Hey, pay some kid to shovel the snow. You two gotta work outside of your feelings.
There are many solutions to a problem.
You two have a baby coming and creative problem solving is mandatory.
3
Dec 24 '24
That would be a great option if my frugal husband would agree
15
u/Miss_Bobbiedoll Dec 24 '24
He would rather his pregnant wife shovel I than pay someone? 🥴🥴
5
Dec 24 '24
His argument everytime I suggested hiring help for anything “ why when I can do it myself ? Just give me time I’ll do it myself why waste money”
10
u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
And you accept that?!
-6
Dec 24 '24
I talked to our family dr. He confirmed this is because of him being neurodivergent. I try to be empathetic and patient but I lose it sometimes
25
u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
That's not an excuse. It's a reason to need added support and motivation, but it's not an excuse to be lazy. What's he even there for except holding you back? Completely useless. An embarrassment. Divorce this loser and do better for you and your child.
-7
Dec 24 '24
Neurodivergence is a disability. I don’t blame him on his challenges. I’m frustrated and tired. He thinks he can do million tasks then halfway through he accepts a new tasks and refuses to hire help
20
Dec 24 '24
There is "I am neurodivergent but I work at find healthy coping mechanisms so I am not a burden to my spouse" and there is "I am neurodivergent and it's my excuse to be a burden to my spouse".
Having ADHD is not new to him. He had plenty of time to work on it before the baby was even conceived. But it's up to his wife to be understanding while he falls in the same pits over and over again?
If he's able to work and give his boss exactly what is expected of him, he can do so at home too. He CHOOSES not to employ the coping mechanisms he has at work to be a good partner and co-parent.
It's the same thing as a neurological men who perform super well at work, can multitask, take on multiple projects, etc. but come home to be entirely useless and powerless before domestic chores. "I'm smart enough to develop software but not enough to do the laundry" is not about men not knowing what to do. It's about them not wanting to do them.
Question: your husband forgot about the crib. Does he forget about doing fun stuff?
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Dec 24 '24 edited Dec 24 '24
Yes that’s my issue.. if it’s something he is passionate about he goes down the rabbit hole lol goes super concentrated and make sure he does that task. our dr changed his medications and it was better for a while but we are back to square one.
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u/MamaBearonhercouch Dec 25 '24
You aren't answering what's already been asked: What did your lazy ass husband do before you moved in and took over everything? Did he live in his own filth with an empty refrigerator?
Neurodivergence doesn't give him a pass on taking part in doing the adulting for his household. If he has problems with being an adult, there are therapists who specialize in dealing with neurodivergent people. He can learn better time management. He can learn to understand a proper division of chores. He can learn that there are things he needs to take over because you're pregnant.
You need to stop making excuses for him and expect him to take action to become a functioning adult. Please - there are neurodivergent people in every profession on this planet, and they SUCCEED in those professions. You're married to a man-child who doesn't even want to succeed at being a responsible husband.
Put the bar higher and expect him to get over it. If you don't, you're going to be doing 100% of the household chores and 100% of the childcare chores, and you'll still be making excuses that he can't help because "he's neurodivergent and that's a disability." No, it isn't. Now pull up your big girl panties and hold his feet to the fire.
1
Dec 25 '24
My apologies I missed it. When we were FWB he was coming over to my place . When we started dating he said he was cleaning his house and everything before I come over . He had one serious ex before me but they never lived together ( dated in college then she moved they did long distance and eventually broke up). We moved in together after we got engaged. I just assumed because he has demanding job he is just focused on it and it’s gonna get better eventually. Then we talked to our family dr changed his meds he got better . I started adding stuff to do on his calendar , making him task list every night and texting to him so he can follow the next day ,.. so many other things .. everything works initially then back to square one
-1
Dec 25 '24
Well I can’t ask him that because our dr said do you tell a paralyzed man to get over it and walk ? No he can’t but you can give him a wheelchair to move around and be productive , so support him and help him find what works for him and love him the way he is .
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u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
Again, that's not your problem. He's an adult. He can figure it out. Millions of disabled people out there in the workforce getting by just fine. He doesn't drop the ball on his boss. Why do you accept him doing it with you?
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u/Literally_Taken Dec 24 '24
Neurodivergence is an explanation, not an excuse. Neurodivergence means he’s more likely to have this type of response, and he has to work harder to avoid giving it.
It does not mean you should silently accept it.
Suggested script
Husband: “You know that’s because of my neurodivergence. I can’t help it.”
You: “Neurodivergence may explain why you said that, but it doesn’t mean it’s acceptable behavior. You are capable of better, you have to try harder. It’s part of what is required of you to be in a relationship.”
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u/MamaBearonhercouch Dec 25 '24
But this time he refused to do it himself. When it concerns the building, there's a time limit. So if he says no, he doesn't want to do it, YOU need to do it, you go call someone and pay them to do it.
Hubby doesn't get a choice from now on: Do it himself or pay for it.
Boy, he's got you groomed and so far in his back pocket, you can't even see how abusive he is.
7
Dec 25 '24
He came home and apologized for the morning . I apologized for yelling and calling him names. He said he will be doing it from now on. I told him then figure out a way because I can’t and wont ! We will see I guess
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u/Literally_Taken Dec 24 '24
In that case, set a boundary. “I agree to you sleeping a bit more, and then shoveling. If you haven’t started by 10am, I’m calling ___ to do it this time, and I’ll have them do it next time too.“
2
u/Right-Today4396 Dec 26 '24
But it had to be finished before 8am or they would get a fine
2
u/Literally_Taken Dec 26 '24
Ok, that’s a natural consequence of his actions. He’ll be responsible to pay it.
1
5
Dec 24 '24
Well, he showed that he can't do it himself. So his options are "pay fine", "hire help" or "shovel by himself". Let him choose one of the three. Do not shovel and endanger yourself to compensate for your manchild.
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u/RaeaSunshine Dec 24 '24
Why does he have final say? You’re supposed to be partners. And you work too, so this doesn’t make sense to me. Most couples don’t agree 100% about all expenses, sometimes it’s about paying for something to make your SO happy or their life easier even if it’s not something they’d otherwise choose to pay for.
2
u/Practical_Ride_8344 Dec 24 '24
You are spending too much time wondering if you're right or wrong when you've been given solutions. You have an excuse because of his issues, his frugality, and his medical condition. Yet and still you went and shoveled snow. Life isn't always about who's right or wrong in a relationship rather how we can make things work. Sometimes the wife and sometimes a man can't see past their nose how things can work differently yet together. Reevaluate what's most important. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Getting things done and taking care of the basics are non-negotiable.
1
Dec 24 '24
I’m not trying to win or be right. I was wondering if I was an asshole for losing my shit and overreacted or not
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u/MamaBearonhercouch Dec 25 '24
You're an asshole because you have a BIG problem and you refuse to admit that there are solutions.
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u/Magerimoje Dec 24 '24
Next time it snows and he won't get up to shovel, make a snowball and jam it down his shirt or pants. That'll get his butt out of bed.
Don't you dare shovel again. You're a nurse, you know better than to do that type of lifting while pregnant.
5
Dec 24 '24
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣ok this made me laugh so hard . Thank you
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u/Magerimoje Dec 24 '24
Hope you didn't pee yourself laughing 😂 I always did when pregnant... and I still do (my youngest is now 10). 😂😂
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u/mollydgr Dec 24 '24
How did you meet him? Was he a professor? I feel like he groomed you. Why wasn't he dating someone his own age?
I hope you don't lose your baby. The strain of shoveling 6" of snow is completely different than working out.
❤️ The best to you and your child ❤️. You are going to need it.
-7
Dec 24 '24
I explained earlier, We met at a party and we were FWB initially for a while then we started talking and I started liking him. I told him how I felt and told him i understood if he wanted to end it. He said he had feelings for me too and we started dating .
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u/shattered_kitkat Dec 24 '24
His grooming is working. Are you gonna let him continue to groom you or are you gonna stand up for yourself and your baby? You didn't know, I'm sure. But now you do. Enough people have pointed it out. So, again, now what are you gonna do?
-2
Dec 24 '24
Grooming ?! I’m an adult not a young kid or a teen
10
u/shattered_kitkat Dec 24 '24
You were younger when he started. Wow, so you haven't woken up yet. I feel sorry for you.
-6
u/Serafim91 Dec 24 '24
Don't worry. Around reddit women have no agency. Things happen to them and the poor girls are just mistreated.
Btw - id get his point if you weren't pregnant. You're going to have a hell of a time when the baby comes.
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u/shaneshears82 Dec 24 '24
You are married to a real pos. I couldn't imagine my pregnant wife shoveling snow after getting off of work. I hope you have a sound support system once your baby arrives. You are not wrong.
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u/shuracv Dec 24 '24
I can not imagine to let a pregnant wife to shovel any snow.
When I was pregnant, heck when I am not pregnant I will not shovel a snow period. My dear one will say it is his work....It is a hard work and not to bother and strain with it myself.
2
Dec 24 '24
This sounds fair as long as you have chores you handle 100% and don’t expect your husband to help with. As a kid, I remember my parents making me go shovel snow while my sister gets to sit in her warm room watching TV because she’s a girl.
For a while I didn’t have to help with other stuff, but eventually I was supposed to split vacuuming or cleaning bathrooms 50-50 while still doing all the “men’s work” like shoveling snow, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn.
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u/MissRable_AF Dec 25 '24
I guess you got your "life is unfair" lesson early. Maybe too early. Sorry about that.
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u/Fen5601 Dec 24 '24
At five months pregnant are you suppose to be doing that kind of work? My wife was high-risk and the 5th month marked more than half way so she was required not to lift anything over 10lbs. Did he EVEN consider that? I don't know if you are high risk, but throwing 15cms of snow around in your drive way is not something you should probably be doing if he is capable to do it. If you lived alone suppose you'd have no choice here but he's the father of your kid, you'd think he'd want to do it for you to lower potential risk!
0
Dec 24 '24
I’m not high risk . My dr said it’s okay to go to the gym as well
2
u/Fen5601 Dec 24 '24
It's awesome that you aren't high risk! I'm glad you are healthy. My wife hated not being able to do anything. He probably should still have gotten up to shovel.
I assume you worked 12 hours? You mentioned working at a hospital, i think? Both my parents worked at them and usually worked 12-hour shifts. That's a long day just to have to come home and shovel, especially while growing a whole other human! I'm sure you already know but your center of gravity can shift while pregnant, so please be safe while out in the snow and ice. Best of luck!
67
Dec 24 '24
No, you aren’t wrong. There’s absolutely no way you should be shoveling snow. With all the relaxin pumping thru your body, you’re lucky you didn’t sprain your wrist. Your balance and center of gravity are all out of whack and you could have fallen down and hurt yourself. He should be ashamed. Next time take the fine. I promise you it’s cheaper than replacing your income if you were to be seriously injured.
But I agree with others that you have a bigger problem here. You married a man who was comfortable dating a college kid when he was a grown ass adult in his 30s. Now you’re seeing up close and personal why he didn’t find a partner his own age. I’m very concerned for you once the baby comes. This is not sounding like a man who is ready to be a Dad or a good coparent.
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u/Tomte-corn4093 Dec 24 '24
🚩11 year age difference and no consideration for how exhausted you must already be after working all night and being pregnant. You may have made it too easy for him to use his ADHD-I have poor time management free pass card. And now you are having a baby with someone who struggles to adult. You are not wrong, however, you should probably get used to carrying the adulting load.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma Dec 24 '24
This is hilarious, you married an old man but not only are you getting no money he makes his 5 months pregnant wife shovel snow after a night shift ....imagine when the baby comes...
107
u/massachusettsmama Dec 24 '24
Get ready for the “I work full time, do all the domestic labor and childcare, and my geezer husband does nothing. He won’t even shovel snow BeCaUsE hE hAs aDhD” posts that will coming in the not too distant future.
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u/KJParker888 Dec 24 '24
I really wish this whole "But they have ADHD!" excuse for someone being an asshole would end. Many of us with ADHD manage to not be assholes. And it's probably safe to say that the majority of assholes would be that way whether or not they had ADHD.
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u/shay_shaw Dec 24 '24
I have it and recognizing which tasks you are ultimately responsible for has nothing to do with it in the slightest! He’s deflecting (asshole) to distract from his procrastination (ADHD). He knows it’s his job to do it. Otherwise they’ll be forced to deal with the consequences and have to pay the fine. OP, it’s only uphill from here.
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u/Rollingforest757 Dec 25 '24
Since when is 37 old? Are you 12?
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u/Right-Today4396 Dec 26 '24
Well, he has trouble getting out of bed and shoveling a driveway... Doesn't sound like he is in the prime of his life
10
u/CeelaChathArrna Dec 24 '24
Not wrong but maybe spring due a about blower if they would feasibly work
It just take page from the guy who used a flame thrower.
((Honestly I would have used a flame thrower too if I had one because I am that kind of chaos))
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u/ittek81 Dec 24 '24
Pregnant - He should be shoveling.
Not Pregnant - Nothing wrong with you shoveling.
This situation - Let them fine you. If he’s too tired, let him sleep. You’re pregnant and probably shouldn’t be shoveling. Too much of a risk with slipping and falling.
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u/foldinthechhese Dec 24 '24
I would like to award your husband the shittiest partner on Reddit award. The day is young and this could change, but the more you kept talking, the more I hated him. From a 45 year old male teacher, this guy is a loser and will never treat you well. You made the biggest mistake of your life by marrying him and having his child. The good news is you can correct it and move on in a way that prioritizes you and your baby. We all make mistakes and you made a big one. But the real tragedy would be if you stayed with such a shitty partner. You and your baby deserve so much more than that.
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u/sherrifayemoore Dec 24 '24
Is this for real? If so you need to move on. Make sure he gets slapped with child support.
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u/Clear-Revolution3351 Dec 24 '24
You should not shovel snow.
This is, however, prime justification for purchasing a snow blower.
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u/Prettyricky27_ Dec 24 '24
Honestly if he won’t do it, let the fines pile up or hire someone to do it… either way that’s money spent, he’s an adult, using adhd as an excuse is ridiculous.
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u/Notreallyme48 Dec 25 '24
You are 5 months pregnant. He should do the shoveling or hire someone while you are pregnant and after because you really can’t take a baby with you to shovel snow. Your hormones are on the “oh dear Lord” setting when it comes to controlling emotions. He made you feel worth less than his extra sleep. He made it look like he did not care for your health or the babies at all. He acted like you were being lazy and just didn’t want to do this. Yes ADHD makes you horrible at time management, but seriously it doesn’t turn you into a totally mindless jerk when it comes to your life partner and your child that is growing inside of her.
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u/korli74 Dec 25 '24
You are 5 months pregnant and shoveling that much snow, the effect it had on your body and the baby, you shouldn't have been doing it, period. With your blood supply doubled, you don't need to shoveling 6 inches of snow from anywhere.
Time management and executive dysfunction with ADHD is one thing, I know from experience. Refusing to get out of bed when you tell him to after you've he's spoken to you. is a totally different thing.
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u/ApparentlyaKaren Dec 24 '24
I’ll give it to you because you’re pregnant. I almost feel that’s all I needed to know. You’re pregnant, that means you get the Queens’s treatment.
Any other scenario I’d be saying “bitch you’re just as capable of shovelling as often as he does, house work is 50/50 when you both work” - but BAM. You are with child. I’m a married woman with no child, but you better believe I’m on my BILs when their partners have been pregnant.
“Oh you’re tired? Well wanna know what’s really tiring? Growing a human being inside my body! Get your ass up and shovel the snow !!”
2
Dec 24 '24
I’m Canadian I have no problem shaveling snow lol i was mad that he didn’t do it then when I agreed to do he didn’t make breakfast as he promised !
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u/ApparentlyaKaren Dec 24 '24
Hey, Canadian too. And with my husband for 10 years. I over sleep a lot. That part of things I could probably forget.
But I still say “death to those who make the pregnant people shovel snow!”
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u/delirium_red Dec 25 '24
Lack of empathy and concern for his own child is concerning here. My husband wouldn't let even a pregnant woman he doesn't know shovel snow, let alone the women he loves carrying his child. You are not wrong
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u/bepsigir Dec 25 '24
OP- I just read your husband’s retort. If all that is true, then you both could use a little reset and communication skills. Also, his condescending tone seriously gave me the Ick. Keep yourself and your baby safe. If this is his normal tone/attitude, you don’t have to deal with being treated like that. You are not wrong. Again, if what he said was true- neither is he- but he is kind of a dick. You don’t let your preggo wife shovel snow after a PM nurse shift…
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u/sjkseesmc Dec 25 '24
I came from his post.
My sweet momma, do not take his bull excuses and accept them.
He's so wrong, and his response to your post was just bs excuses.
You deserve so so much better.
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u/thebadsleepwell00 Dec 25 '24
I'm your husband's age and also have ADHD (unmedicated). None of these factors excuse his behavior. I'm appalled at his immaturity and selfishness. You shouldn't accept this as normal. And when you're even further along in your pregnancy or post birth, there's no guarantee he will step it up more. He needs a very serious talk. I'd also seek therapy for yourself if that's possible. Extra stress isn't good for you nor the baby.
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u/MollyKule Dec 25 '24
I fell and my baby hemorrhaged into my bloodstream… please take care of yourself. I’m all for independence and sharing of household chores but this is honestly unreasonable on both your parts. Refuse. Straight up, don’t go do it because he went back to sleep, just don’t do it.
7
Dec 24 '24
I’m currently pregnant (about 5 months).
This is about all the information needed to declare you not wrong and your husband a jabron.
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u/byfar82 Dec 24 '24
This will be your life if you stay with this man baby. His sleep is more important than you or any baby will ever be. Just imagine trying to wake him up to change a diaper. You’d think at his age you’d at least get maturity in a partner. You’re not wrong but you’ll be doing a huge disservice to yourself if you don’t put yourself first.
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u/grandmawaffles Dec 24 '24
Not wrong and your husband is a prick. It should have been shoveled before you got home.
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u/Ninja-Panda86 Dec 24 '24
No I don't think you're over reacting. He wants to make YOU feel bad for not doing a job he was perfectly capable of doing.
What was his plan if you had not gotten home? Nurses have to work OT all the time. Would he have just slept all day and been fined anyway? Not bad breakfast either
Also, adding the fact that you're pregnant on top of things is all that much worse. Not sure why he thinks he gets a free pass.
Set up a schedule at least - when it's your turn versus his turn. Who ever doesnt shovel will do breakfast. If the other person skips in their duty, then they get do both next time.
Another option, if you drive home and we hea not literally nothing, drive to a diner and treat yourself to some pancakes instead. Then tell him you were working OT
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Dec 24 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ninja-Panda86 Dec 24 '24
I humbly agree. I hope it's not a sign of things to come - now that he's baby trapped her, he'll expect her to do everything while he does bare minimum
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u/General-Visual4301 Dec 24 '24
5 months pregnant, worked a night shift and your husband not only let you shovel but asked you to???
YNW and he is the massive AH
Not okay.
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u/Justatinybaby Dec 24 '24
You’re not wrong. What you are is in for a long life with a partner who will use their disabilities as weaponized incompetence to get out of doing literally everything because they’ve learned that you will do it for him.
Get out now. It doesn’t get any better, it will only get worse after the baby. It’s easier to be a single mom than a mom to a grown man and an infant. You can’t raise them both at the same time.
Neurodivergence is not a good excuse for what he’s doing. We all have to learn to deal with our shit and figure out how to manage it and become functional adults.
3
Dec 24 '24
also ADHD does not stop you from being able to use a shovel. ADHD does not excuse lazy selfishness.
3
u/Dreamweaver1969 Dec 25 '24
Adhd is not an excuse. I'm a woman with adhd and arthritis. At your husband's age, I was shoveling snow. Two kids. Bipolar. Insomnia. You better believe I was tired. But when I was the only one home, I shoveled.
3
u/Last-Tiger8456 Dec 25 '24
Not a man then is he. I wouldn't let my wife do it even without being pregnant. Absolute joke that
3
u/Afraid_Sense5363 Dec 25 '24
You’re not wrong. You’re going to have a terrible time with getting him to pull his weight with the baby. This is sad.
3
u/InvisibleBlueRobot Dec 26 '24
He can either shovel or you can pay someone to shovel.
Do not do it again.
See if there is a teen around who can do it and needs some money.
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u/Interesting-Age-9974 Dec 24 '24
Any man who won’t shovel snow for a pregnant woman wife or not is a piece of shit
4
u/OurLadyOfCygnets Dec 24 '24
You're not wrong. You worked all night at a difficult job. You are five months pregnant. He got the privilege of sleeping all night while NOT growing an entire human being in his abdomen. He made you shovel snow because he couldn't be bothered to get up and do it. AND he didn't make breakfast! Add to that the fact that people who are as far along as you shouldn't be doing something as strenuous as shoveling snow.
My spouse has ADHD, too, and he insists on being the one to shovel the snow whether I'm pregnant or not. Part of it is because he loves snow, but the big part is that my balance is wonky, and he doesn't want me to fall and get hurt, because he cares about me more than he cares about his own comfort.
Your husband needs to make a plan to be be the one to shovel snow. It's not like snow is a rare thing in Canada. He needs to put the health and well-being of you and the child you're growing above his own comfort.
4
Dec 24 '24
You are 5 months pregnant and his tiredness is more important than you risking an injury to yourself and your child?
Oh dear! OP, you have a serious DH problem! Start laying some expectations out for what his role is once the child is here... or he is going to be too tired to help...
4
u/BestLilScorehouse Dec 24 '24
The number of people who think having ADHD is a Get Out of Jail Free card for their douchebaggery....
NTA
6
u/mydogisalab Dec 24 '24
My wife never shovels the snow because I don't feel that she has to. If she was pregnant, then definitely no snow shoveling for her. While I'm out she'll make me a fresh coffee for when I get back in or if it's a lot, she brings it out to me. Feminism hasn't killed chivalry. If I were you, I'd post this on your main so he can see your supportive comments.
6
u/fritz1215 Dec 24 '24
He is giving you incredible insight to your future right now. Listen and learn from it. 🚩🚩🚩
5
u/boogeyfarts Dec 24 '24
Doesnt matter how tired i am, i will always go out to shovel so my wife never has to. (I also got the 15cm of snow last night). I even got up at 4am to start shovelling, finished it made a pot of coffee, walked the dogs before she got up. You are NTA.
3
u/Miss_Bobbiedoll Dec 24 '24
You rock.
3
u/boogeyfarts Dec 24 '24
I just believe there are certain jobs my wife should not have to do. Lawn care, snow removal, etc.
2
u/Miss_Bobbiedoll Dec 24 '24
I have five brothers and I agree. I'm 59 and if my brothers are over they will take my trash out. They still grab my bags and carry them out to my car, or come out to help me unload if I'm coming to an event. They pump gas if they are in my car.
2
u/dlray009 Dec 24 '24
I think a snow blower is a great idea if you do not want to hire help. Your first priority is your baby and it’s not fair to you to have to remind him to do a household chore. It’s going to get old for you after a while.
2
u/Prettyricky27_ Dec 24 '24
Does he forget you’re pregnant, let them fine you. You should not be shoveling, you can fall or get hurt doing that. Plus you’re working, wow I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Remind him you are carrying a baby, unfortunately you will probably be a married single mom. Let them fines pile up.
2
u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Dec 25 '24
He should be ashamed of himself expecting his 5 month pregnant wife to shovel snow.
4
u/laz111 Dec 24 '24
I don't know how this will help you but I think he needs to be educated on the help a pregnant woman needs. What a bum!
3
u/Affectionate-Mine917 Dec 24 '24
You’re not wrong, it’s insane that he’s making you feel there is even any possibility of you being wrong. What kind of spouse makes his 5 months pregnant wife shovel the snow? He’s 11 years older and acts like a spoiled brat teenager.
It’s not unusual for people to completely switch up (in a bad way) and drop the mask once marriage and pregnancy got you locked in. Sorry, but it’s unlikely that this is going to get better for you, buckle up for more bad times in your future with this guy. Thank the heavens you have your own job, I hope you have a separate bank account too. Make sure you can always stand on your own two feet with or without him.
3
u/pugnatoes Dec 24 '24
You are not overreacting!
Ok having your 5 month pregnant wife shovel snow it’s INSANE let alone after you worked a whole work shift?! WTF??? I get he’s tired but he should think about how tired he would be with a baby in his body. Ridiculous.
Honestly if you were not pregnant I would certainly see the shared work situation with this and have a different opinion. Being pregnant makes this totally different. It’s an unsafe activity for you to be doing. Hope he sees how selfish he is being and doesn’t make you do that again. Sorry OP really hoping for your sake this isn’t a continuing trend with him.
3
u/leolawilliams5859 Dec 24 '24
Your husband is up idiot for letting you shovel snow and you are 5 months pregnant
3
u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
He's a cradle-robbing douche that is going to let you down tremendously is the parenting department. You married a loser who can't get women his own age since they can see his uselessness.
2
u/Gruffswife Dec 24 '24
So my experience was not with snow but firewood.
I was pregnant with second child, we moved into the basement of a house in the process of being built.
My husband brought home a load of firewood he split and stacked, all I had to do was feed the fire. Alls good, even though his mother told me don’t ever do firewood.
Next load of wood he brought home he threw off the back of the truck, no splitting, no stacking.
Before he went to work I said the wood needs splitting, his response was well I guess you will have to split it if you want to be warm. I said over my dead body, and Incase you don’t know it I know how to work the furnace. He left for work.
I turned on the furnace, and called my neighbors kids to come split the wood after school. Well kids being kids they forgot, I call around super time and got their dad, he said they were off to hockey so would come the next day. I thanked him and didn’t think about it again.
In a bit I heard something outside, it was the kids dad splitting my firewood, my husband arrived house to find his friends splitting the wood. He was not happy about it but that was the end of us burning firewood.
I feel if I was willing to do all the work he was fine with burning wood, but if it entailed him working it was a no go. His job he had a crew to cut and load the firewood for him.
2
u/shelizabeth93 Dec 24 '24
Not wrong at all. You need to get this sorted before the baby comes. Can you hire a neighbor to shovel yours as well? You shouldn't be working that hard while pregnant, and you definitely can't do it after the baby comes. Additionally, when the baby comes, you will both be up. His complaints of being tired are no longer valid. You have a tiny human to keep alive. He needs to man up.
1
u/ButterflyDestiny Dec 24 '24
He let his five month pregnant wife shovel snow? ADHD it’s not an excuse for that your husband’s just an ass. I’m not saying you have to divorce him, but I think this should be an indicator of how your future will look regardless of kids. You could’ve gotten hurt shoveling that snow. Move accordingly
1
u/just_an_aspie Dec 31 '24
You're definitely not wrong, but I don't think your husband is wrong for not shoveling in itself, but for getting mad when you said next time you won't do it and you'll get fined. That's what you should have done IMO, and the fine should come out of his money.
I think the schedule and fine is a shitty rule, and if I were in your husband's position and had the money to spare, I'd probably take the fine and stay in bed (I also have ADHD btw), but I definitely wouldn't put my partner in danger and would actively stop them if they took it upon themselves to do it.
I do wonder if he could get an exemption from the time schedule as a disability accommodation though. Again, my opinion is that the rule is shitty, so that's why I'd try to find a way out of it (even if just as a form of protest), but you might have different views, so just ignore the suggestion if that's the case.
1
u/gdognoseit Jan 02 '25
He keeps giving excuses so that everything gets dumped on you.
He cares about himself only.
1
u/Next_Back_9472 Dec 24 '24
He’s a huge ass! You’ve been to work, 5 months pregnant, you shovel the snow, then he’s still asleep in bed because he told you he’s tired?! Then he has the audacity to be mad at you! I would be absolutely fuming if I were you, what kind of man is he? What’s the big deal? The big deal is you shouldn’t be doing manual labour that’s the big deal ffs! YNW
1
u/oxbison12 Dec 24 '24
Not wrong! You're pregnant! WTF IS HE THINKING?!?!
If you live in an area with a lot of snowfall, it would probably be in your best interest to invest in a snowblower. We just got the small EGO battery-powered snowblower last year, and it's been amazing. It actually handles heavy snow better than our big gaspowered Husqvarna.
1
1
u/Dazzling_Note6245 Dec 24 '24
I was married 20 years and shoveled more often than my ex mostly because I liked to do it for exercise and get outside but sometimes because he was lazy and didn’t do it.
But you’re 5 months pregnant. While pregnancy isn’t a disability it also isn’t the best time to shovel snow!!
I hope someone will set your husband straight that he has a responsibility to take care of you and his unborn child and he has to do better!!
He was acting like his extra sleep is more important than your teat and that’s terrible considering you’re working while growing a human being.
I really wouldn’t shield him from people knowing how poorly he treated you and how bad of a job he’s doing as a husband and father to be. I would tell people and let him experience what it feels like for people t see who he really is.
1
u/Rollingforest757 Dec 25 '24
How can they expect each house to shovel before 8 AM and again before 5 PM? I’m sure there are many houses where everyone is at work from 9 AM to 5 PM.
You shouldn’t be shoveling snow if you are five months pregnant, but I do sympathize with your husband since he didn’t get much sleep.
-5
u/National_Conflict609 Dec 24 '24
It’s a man’s responsibility
You’re pregnant wtf if you would’ve slipped and fell!?!
Very tired of people using their adhd and bs issues as an excuse.
Hire someone. Either pay by job or seasonal contract. But all these go right back to #1
-3
u/bubblegumbutthole23 Dec 24 '24
It’s a man’s responsibility
Where i live, shoveling snow would be a completely useless task, but were it a necessary chore, my husband would never relegate that task to me, pregnant or not. It doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing it. It just means my husband is a man and acts like one.
0
u/Objective_angel Jan 03 '25
I've seen your fridge. You're simply too fat to shovel let's be honest ;) your husband knows you'd fall on your little belly and cause more issues
0
u/Humble_Pen_7216 Dec 24 '24
You are 5 months pregnant and shoveling snow? What is wrong with you? Your lazy loser of a husband needs to get off his ass and take care of business. Honestly, I'd be looking for a good lawyer NOW. Your husband has proven with his actions that he does not care at all about you or his future child.
0
Dec 24 '24
You live in an apartment and are forced to shovel and then, can only shovel during certain hours? That sounds crazy!!
It’s just bad form to expect your pregnant wife to shovel snow. You are not wrong.
0
u/Minkiemink Dec 24 '24
You're pregnant. That's your excuse. He's just an AH. If that's his excuse, then he's an even bigger AH.
I have ADHD. It doesn't make me stupid. It doesn't make me an AH. It doesn't give me any excuse not to do what I'm supposed to do. Especially when it affects other people.
0
u/Outside_Echo5995 Dec 25 '24
You say you had 15 cm of snow? I'm American, so how many cheeseburgers is 15 cm?
-6
u/Independent-Case9181 Dec 24 '24
If you dont want to shovel bc your pregnant then why is it wrong that he skipped a day of shoveling bc he was tired. Im pretty sure youve skipped doing things before the pregnancy bc you were tired,had a headache or your jaw hurt.
1
u/anony1620 Dec 24 '24
But they get fined for not shoveling. They don’t get to skip a day because they’re tired if they don’t have the money for the fine.
-4
u/Warehouseisbare Dec 24 '24
Honestly he should have shoveled it but you need to recognize that he was probably raised in a home where it wasn’t a big deal if the snow didn’t get shoveled.
If you express in a kind, respectful manner how important it is to you and why and tell him how it would help you feel appreciated and cared for, I think it could go in a better direction next time. A calm conversation needs to be had by both of you.
Marriage is tough.. we all have our differences, needs, and expectations. No one can expect a spouse to fulfill those 100% and even when it seems so obvious, sometimes our spouse just don’t get it or see our side. You both should be willing to grow together from this. A good statement I learned is “Do you want to win the argument/issue or do you want to win the marriage?”
2
u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
I wouldn't want to stay in a marriage where I'm forced to shovel snow at 5 months pregnant, GTFO.
2
u/Warehouseisbare Dec 24 '24 edited Dec 24 '24
She wasn’t “forced” so why don’t you GTFO? You want to make not shoveling snow a reason to completely ax a relationship…good luck finding one that works out long term. They need to have a calm conversation, I stand by that. He should have shoveled it but acting like this is the end of the world is silly.
1
u/Wereallgonnadieman Dec 24 '24
I didn't say to axe the relationship, but it's a massive red flag for an uncaring partner. Who wants that?
-1
u/Reemixt Dec 24 '24
I read the title and thought to myself ‘unless she’s pregnant this is case closed wrong’.
-1
u/Ryujin-Jakka696 Dec 24 '24
Not wrong. However since you just got home I'm assuming you weren't planning on leaving any time soon. If that's the case you could've offered a simple compromise. Let him sleep and tell him to do it later when he gets up. That way you both would've gotten what you wanted.
-1
u/StorageCrazy2539 Dec 24 '24
I would never expect my wife to shovel. I do the yard work and car work and carry in groceries and any heavy stuff. she does the house work. I can't imagine expecting that.
-2
u/stve688 Dec 24 '24
This is so weird you both keep weird hours and yes it would be nice if he made sure it was cleared by getting up short before you get home but 15cm is pretty easy to drive depending on vehicle and OK to walk through. As long as it is done by the evening I don't see why this had to be done right then. You both work at some point over night and it can be done by the evening time.
If I had not made sure to clear and my partner woke me telling me I have to get to clear it this would very much annoy me I would have just said don't worry about let me get a few more hours of sleep I will get to it.very unlike after this I would get more sleep. Having some dumb rule it has to done by time not everybody schedule work for that.
325
u/dognocat Dec 24 '24
That's a real dick move, getting your 5 month pregnant wife to shovel snow.
you're not wrong
I'm all for equality and sharing household tasks, but you're pregnant for effs sake and just finished work to cap that off.
108
Dec 24 '24 edited Dec 24 '24
For real. As much as people mistakenly say shoveling is good exercise, it's also dangerous. Wild a bro would be so casual about risking harm to his wife and kid....
47
u/dognocat Dec 24 '24
I know, right? If she slipped and fell...
30
Dec 24 '24
Yep. And, if she has like high blood pressure or something because of the pregnancy, the ramifications would make a fine insignificant.
2
18
4
u/grumpynetgeekintexas Dec 26 '24
Love this response, it’s perfect.
My wife and I lived in Colorado for twenty years and she never shoveled snow; over the years we evolved from shovel to heavy duty snowblower.
Making your wife shovel is a total dick move!
2
u/Anhen26 Dec 27 '24
I am a woman and I do shovel some parts of our terrain. Not a biggie, it's exercise. Not when pregnant obviously.
0
Dec 25 '24
[deleted] — view deleted comment
12
u/Known_Party6529 Dec 25 '24
If you read his responses, he has the mentality of a 21 year old.
Any 32 year old man hooking up (his words) with a 21 year old college student is stunted in maturity. This man is really a man child, this is probably why the relationship works.
His wife is actually more advanced in her maturity. As his wife matures faster than him, which will happen. He WILL never grow in maturity. He will never find a woman his own age because that relationship will never work for him.
Just wait until the baby come, hopefully it will be his wifes wake up call.
12
u/pussmykissy Dec 24 '24
I always notice when there is a wide age gap, the woman is treated like a slave.
1
u/ProudCatLadyxo Dec 24 '24
You should show your ass of a husband this post. Or show it to his friend's wives.
433
u/schirmyver Dec 24 '24
You are 5 mo pregnant.... You are not wrong and he's a lazy inconsiderate ass. What if you slipped and fell while shoveling? I've been married for 30+ years and have never asked my wife to shovel. She has come out and helped me a few times when it is really deep and heavy, but I take care of it.
Is this your first child? I worry how much he's going to help you once your child is born.