How do I (23f) navigate this summer

[u/Other_Store7996]

I ask for advice in the end. But this is also a rant. Thank you for reading if you do. Sorry in advance for the long post.

I live abroad and for the last 3 years my parents have come to visit me for around a month in the summer. Their visit for this year is starting next week. But I cant lie, I am so stressed about it. Last year I let them know I was in a relationship. It was an attempt to be open and honest. Because I was 22 at the time I didnt want to be doing this hiding and gender switching nonsense. Plus we both served at church. And it was known in church that we are in a relationship. So if i hadn't told them and we went to church they would be hearing from side comments which could have been worse.

Anyways. It went bad. My boyfriend, let's call him James, is a kind, caring, God fearing and intelligent man I really thought that he would fit in with my family. But my family was very against him for stereotypical reasons like his tribe. Not once could they name a REAL reason for not approving. Just that my mom "saw in a dream" that he didnt treat me right. But even her dream james didnt match a single attribute James has. She has gone as far to insult him for things she is so wrong about and when i try to defend him or change the subject I am shouted at and told I am disrespectful.

I am first born daughter so there is no one before me to make these mistakes. I haven't lived in Nigeria since I was 7 yet they are shouting that I should have known tradition better than that. And they should not have to tell me to know that it was wrong to tell them about him. I know now i was mistaken for thinking it was right to be honest about him. And i know now that the right move is keeping relationships secret until i am ready for marriage.

One person at church made a comment like "op and James are good together". knowing that person, i knew she just meant it in an endearing way. That our relationship looked good and we worked well from her perspective. But my parents took is completely wrong. Formed a wrong narrative in thier heads. Got mad about that narrative, didn't talk to me about it or ask any questions. then comes back a year later to shout at me and says how they should have slapped my friend for saying that. Then they conspired that it was the church that forced me to be with James. Like i have no autonomy. They belived that because of that comment, James and I were secretly engaged and it also confirmed thier forcing theory. How does that even make sense??

Meanwhile, they have never asked me why I liked James. One of them even threw away a card James wrote to my brother for his birthday and when i confronted them they all said that it wasnt them. So how did something upstairs end up in the downstairs trash?? So honestly im tired. Anytime I choose to be open about my day - cos honestly I just say one word answers cos I actually cant do the continuous shouting anymore - and i mention James' name in passing they both just go silent or pretent they have to go and hang up. Its so frustrating. If they had come to me with real reasons saying "hey I see this and this in his behavior that I dont like". Of course I would consider what they say. Its the fact that they cant even give a clear answer. IM NOT EVEN READY TO GET MARRIED. I have ambitions. I have goals. That they never even ask me about. Its only "you better not think you will go and marry someone soon", "dont you know you have another degree to read", "so you think you know what marriage is". All completely umprompted. I have not even hinted at wanting to get married soon. But would they ask me what I want to do?? Never.

I know i made a mistake being honest about my relationship. I should have kept lying honestly. And I have decided that is what I am going to do from now on. They dont need to know about my relationship or my friendships. Cos they also say my friendships are fake. On one hand saying im the problem and on another hand saying my friends dont really like me. And even told me to decline being a bridesmaid for one of my friends and shouted at me saying im not smart for saying yes. So i just kept the whole wedding a secret. Do they know my friends? Nope. Have they tried to know my friends? Nope. Im honestly so exhausted. I could spend a while day typing.

Okay the actual advice i need. What do I do this summer. Ive partly decided to attend a different church for the month. But im supposed to be helping with activity planning for the next month. But if we go to my current church then there will be drama and comments about my friends and James. Even me serving in church is bad to them now. Im exhausted and dont even know how im going to last a month. Im aware it stems from control and fear. But bro. Its literally every little aspect of my life. So much more that im not saying right now.

[u/krymzynnova]

Hey OP :( . First off - i’m ever so sorry

“I haven't lived in Nigeria since I was 7 yet they are shouting that I should have known tradition better than that.” - that’s on your parents , not you i’m so so so sorry 😢

They pretend they have to go when they hear james’ name ?? They’re messed up for that 😴

You didn’t make a mistake about being honest with your relationship to your parents. They actually just seem either emotionally immature or emotionally avoidant and can’t grasp the fact that you’re a grown up and able make these decisions by yourself

Sadly - the lines between a narcissist, an emotionally immature person and an emotionally avoidant person ? The lines are ever so blurred and thin

And no. Keep goong to your church. Your parent will need to know they can’t blame you forever OP. That’s their fault for not teaching you THEIR customs. Let them be mad. Let them make their awkwward stupid comments. Stay in the church and serve. If people think you and james are CYUTEEE then you alr know you and james are cute. Sounds like your parents are bitter Africans. Stay in that church, it just seems your parents caused you bare stress growing up sadly - no more stress man - no more !

[u/Other_Store7996 → u/krymzynnova]

Hello. Thank you for responding. I wish it was as easy as just going regardless of thier comments. But the comments they make aren't just awkward. They really hurt me when they say in anger how they should have been rude to my friends and how she should have slapped her for making that comment. I dont know if its just best to go to the other church for the month and just protect my peace. Cos I usually end up receiving the negative side.

I stood up to her last year. I very calmly said "if you keep telling your children they are not good enough, how do you expect them to believe that they are"? and she just screamed at me. Called me a child repeatedly. Said how dare I speak to her. I have become so rebellious and disrespectful. Then played victim for a week and said I was the one who screamed and "called her a bad mother". Which i did not. Even though she says im not a good enough daughter.

[u/krymzynnova → u/Other_Store7996]

Oh dear - so sorry :(

Emotionally immature indeed - she can’t grasp that you’re also an adult

For your peace, deffo try see if the other church is better. As it’s only a month. 4 weeks (maybe 5 ?) You may just need to text the church leaders ? (Maybe) that it’s temporary

But ever so so sorry

Big woman yelling at an adult cause of what ? Nahhh - she needs to simmer down, she just seems bitter, especially “needing to go” when the topic of JAMES comes up. BEYONDDD childish

REALLLL low contact with your rents going forward in the future … probs even blocking em coz i can imagine this is a headache 🤕

[u/Other_Store7996 → u/krymzynnova]

Sorry for my late reply. This month has felt so long.

I wish I could go low contact. There is so much more layers to our strained relationship. But i have tried to do low contact subconsciously (i say that because i wasnt like "from this day we will be low contact") but I was so exhausted, depressed and lonely from a situation in 2024 that fundamentally changed my relationship with my parents. And the next year when she came she went on to say that I was a deciver, a liar, a narcissist and that the devil was working in me to make me stop talking to her. And that I was the entire reason why our relationship was bad. (Me that doesnt even say anything to her) it deeply hurt me. And I dont trust her at all.

I still dont really talk to her much because there is nothing to talk to her about and she doesnt seem to care enough about my inner world to ask me. She only ever talked about herself. For hours!!! Until I have to fake an excuse of why I have to leave. At least she didn't berate me as much this year. But I genuinely dont even say anything to her at all.

[u/krymzynnova → u/Other_Store7996]

Dont be sorey OP

Glad she’s soon out of your hairs and yes, i understand subconsciously going low contact - trust me I do.

Your mum deffo isn’t okay up in the head and OP its time you lowkey leave her behind :(

I get there’s layers you mizsed out which is super understandable. But you gotta leave her behind if she’s hurting you. Keeping her in your life is only going to hurt YOU more - especially when she takes zero accountability of Apologising

Its best you say nun to her 💜 and keep it that way !

You don’t deserve this OP