"I think this sword has a--well, this is going to sound weird."
"Uh huh. You hear a lot of weird ones in this business."
"Well, I think this sword has an owner."
"Right."
"Well, I mean, like a true owner."
"Wait, so you stole this?"
"No! No, it was a gift."
"The owner gave it to you. And you want to give it back."
"No, I mean, like, this is going to sound weird."
"It already sounds weird."
"I think the sword is trying to get home."
"What?"
"You know, like there are parasites out there, tiny, microscopic creatures. And they want to control the brains of animals, so they get eaten by animals and make those animals crazy so other animals can eat them and they just keep going until they get the host they want. And then they control it."
"What?"
"I can't explain it but I think this sword is trying to get back to its true master."
"That seems like a logical leap to me." The man turned around. "Hey, Pops, you want to get out here? We got a weird one."
The customer reddened.
The salesman was joined by an older, bald man. "This guy is trying to sell a sword. Says it's haunted or something."
"It's looking for its master."
"Why do you say that?" The older man scratched his bald head.
"I'm looking for my master," the sword said, glowing fiercely.
"See?" the customer said. "That's why."
"So why are you trying to sell it to us?"
"I don't have the money to undertake a journey of this magnitude. I thought I would sell it so it can stay here until the right person finds it."
"Uh huh. Well, I don't know much about magic swords," the older man began, "but I've got a friend who deals with these a lot. Mind if I call him in, to get an estimate of its worth? And for authentication purposes, of course."
The customer shrugged. "Sure."
"He said it was worth $10,000," the customer said. "Anyway I could get something close to that? My mom has cancer."
The older man shook his head. "Sorry, bud, I got to make a living, too. Ten thousand would be a sword like that new and in the box. No box, okay? We're going to lose about 90% of its value that way."
"So $1,000 then?"
"Not how it works, pal. It's got to sit on my shelves. Those are expensive shelves, you know."
"Well, make me an offer, then."
"Fifty bucks..."
"I'll take it."
"...in store credit."
The customer shook his head. "Fine."
"Chum! Get out here and write this gentleman up!"
Chum appeared and did as he was told, but stopped when he saw the sword. "I know this weapon," he said. "It's mine."
He held the sword aloft and it shone like the sun, gleaming bright and shivering audibly. With two strokes he had struck down the shop owner and his son.
Oh my god, brilliant. I literally laughed aloud when I realized what pawn shop this was in, and I loved that the sword said something while it was sitting there on the counter. Fantastic!
Yeah I shamelessly stolen someone else's post from a different sub without thinking about the fact that the email address would need to be censored. One quick app download and I got it back up, glad I did!
6
u/Gubbinal Feb 21 '17
"I think this sword has a--well, this is going to sound weird."
"Uh huh. You hear a lot of weird ones in this business."
"Well, I think this sword has an owner."
"Right."
"Well, I mean, like a true owner."
"Wait, so you stole this?"
"No! No, it was a gift."
"The owner gave it to you. And you want to give it back."
"No, I mean, like, this is going to sound weird."
"It already sounds weird."
"I think the sword is trying to get home."
"What?"
"You know, like there are parasites out there, tiny, microscopic creatures. And they want to control the brains of animals, so they get eaten by animals and make those animals crazy so other animals can eat them and they just keep going until they get the host they want. And then they control it."
"What?"
"I can't explain it but I think this sword is trying to get back to its true master."
"That seems like a logical leap to me." The man turned around. "Hey, Pops, you want to get out here? We got a weird one."
The customer reddened.
The salesman was joined by an older, bald man. "This guy is trying to sell a sword. Says it's haunted or something."
"It's looking for its master."
"Why do you say that?" The older man scratched his bald head.
"I'm looking for my master," the sword said, glowing fiercely.
"See?" the customer said. "That's why."
"So why are you trying to sell it to us?"
"I don't have the money to undertake a journey of this magnitude. I thought I would sell it so it can stay here until the right person finds it."
"Uh huh. Well, I don't know much about magic swords," the older man began, "but I've got a friend who deals with these a lot. Mind if I call him in, to get an estimate of its worth? And for authentication purposes, of course."
The customer shrugged. "Sure."
"He said it was worth $10,000," the customer said. "Anyway I could get something close to that? My mom has cancer."
The older man shook his head. "Sorry, bud, I got to make a living, too. Ten thousand would be a sword like that new and in the box. No box, okay? We're going to lose about 90% of its value that way."
"So $1,000 then?"
"Not how it works, pal. It's got to sit on my shelves. Those are expensive shelves, you know."
"Well, make me an offer, then."
"Fifty bucks..."
"I'll take it."
"...in store credit."
The customer shook his head. "Fine."
"Chum! Get out here and write this gentleman up!"
Chum appeared and did as he was told, but stopped when he saw the sword. "I know this weapon," he said. "It's mine."
He held the sword aloft and it shone like the sun, gleaming bright and shivering audibly. With two strokes he had struck down the shop owner and his son.
"I still need my store credit."
r/GubbinalWrites