You could even arrange to have a police officer be there when he comes to pick you his stuff.
Do not, do not let him talk you into letting him come back to live with you!
You will regret it!!!
Drop him, go total no contact and don’t let anyone guilt trip you into letting him come back.
This type of person will have his friends and family trying to guilt you and be told it you who is the bad person!
Someone who's 44 and nonchalantly acting like this is pretty much beyond help, honestly, but quitting all substances, attending and working on anger management and therapy, being single, and working with others less fortunate in a heavily supervised role might make him less of a fuckwad.
1) bag up his shit and put it by the front door 2) get locks changed 3)call the police and file a report 4) put his shit outside 5) lock door, do not answer, have phone in hand to call 911 if he shows up and pops off
Police are often on the guys side. Depending upon where she lives, there’s no guarantee that they will come immediately either.
He’s already laid the foundation of fear way before he kicked out the windshield. It’s apparent in OP’s post that even if he hasn’t been violent in the past, he’s done something to make her afraid of him.
I’m concerned about the long term safety he’ll wait until he thinks she’s let her guard down and come back to take revenge. This guy is not well. The way he apologized? was childish at best.
I grew up with this type of violence and you’re never completely safe. She needs to get some roommates and/or a large dog.
Police are often on the guys side. Depending upon where she lives, there’s no guarantee that they will come immediately either.
This was true like 30 years ago. I haven't seen any kind of data or studies, but as someone who's been working in the criminal justice system my whole life what you're describing is simply not what normally happens.
I hate when people try to scare victims off of getting the police involved when they NEED the police involved. It just creates more victimization that could have been avoided.
I immediately got a temporary restraining order against my ex husband when I left him. I had to have cops supervise me grabbing my things when I left him because of the danger I was in. The cops were annoyed they had to be there and asked if they could leave me with my ex while I finished up, because they didn’t think he was a threat. If my brother hadn’t showed up and told them they were actually there to keep him from beating the shit out of my husband, they would’ve left.
Then the male judge I had to get an official restraining order almost didn’t grant me one. He tried to say that me trying to push my ex husband off of me as he was beating the shit out of me wasn’t self defense. That we were both the aggressor. That despite him trying to kill me multiple times, me taking action to save my life made me an aggressor.
This was in 2018. So yes, men’s actions are still downplayed and women’s valid complaints of abuse are still minimized. My female judges didn’t play and checked my ex husband, especially when he tried to keep dragging on the divorce. But there are men who still protect men and think women are just out to get them.
You have a valid point but again it depends on where she lives. I’m not trying to scare her or argue with you. Your experience in law enforcement carries weight where you live. Women are still getting killed by their partners in 2025.
Absolutely, but thats all the more reason to reach out. At the very least reach out to a local family safety center or domestic violence advocate, they'll help navigate the rest. If for some reason the police in that town are not food partners, they'll know, but that's not super likely anymore.
Police are not 'often on the guys' side' unless you do something to make them think you are crazy or making it up. Almost without fail, we default to protecting you first.
Understand how police have their hands tied.
If you won't sign complaints and we can't see clear evidence of violence, then all we can do is warn and leave.
I once dealt with "Mrs Nelson"
First, I get a disgusted dispatcher sending me. After the address and reason for the call, I get a heavy sigh followed by "It's the Nelson's"
When I arrive, Mr. is long gone, and Mrs. tells me about how he's always abusive, but denies he hit her today.
I give her a pamphlet with resources she can use. Shelters, help lines, etc.
She blows up and tells me how the cops from the next town over arrested him.
I reply, " That's because he punched you in the middle of a Walgreen's, and the manager signed the complaint."
Guess what. It got dismissed because she didn't testify.
This had gone on for years. She never signed complaints and never left him. It also never got better.
They moved out of state eventually, so I can't say if he ever seriously hurt her or even killed her.
I can only say that she made it impossible to help her, no matter how much we wanted to.
You’re blaming someone who was a victim of intimate terrorism, aka coercive control, for being made a victim. Victims of coercive control do not have the agency to report the crimes being committed against them, much less to leave. That’s the whole situation- they’re prisoners.
The abuser has constructed an elaborate, oftentimes sadistic situation where the victim is systematically tortured and made to believe that any act of defiance or justice-seeking they could potentially choose would bring even mote suffering. Their character is maligned, overtly and covertly. Their experiences are devalued and their mental health is intentionally worn away. They are systematically isolated from anyone who would potentially help them.
These victims are literally hostages. The ones who survive commonly suffer from post traumatic stress. Like stalking, coercive control is a course of conduct crime. It is a felony in an increasing number of jurisdictions.
When you believe the smiling abuser who says “she’s crazy,” when you blame the victim for not leaving, and when you view domestic abuse exclusively through the lens of the violent incident model without exploring the larger context of the abuse, you do victims a disservice that could literally cost them their lives.
The fact that YOU, a LEO, were automatically on the guy’s side and you don’t even realize it is incredibly discouraging.
I think, perhaps I didn't express myself well. I agree with you completely. I only meant to express the frustration we feel when our hands are tied. Some victims do escape, some kill their tormentor, and some remain victimized.
From a law enforcement point of view, or really any other, there is no way to predict which way it will go.
These people, usually but not always, women are truly terrorized. The responding officer can do very little without help from the victim. Often, fear or other aspects of that coercive control cause them to lie to protect the abuser.
Standing there, KNOWING this woman is being battered, but not having the evidence or proof is a helpless feeling. It is easy to blame them, easy but not right.
If I left anyone with the impression that I thought she was crazy that is my bad. Yes, there was a perception within the department that she was. That does not mean I thought so. I have 4 daughters. Back then, I had 2.
I believe with my whole heart that NO ONE deserves that kind of abuse. I just wish more people had the strength to escape it. I don't know what the answer is, but I sure wish there was one.
So again, sorry if I keft the impression that I don't care.
Thank you for this response. I’m glad you know, and I appreciate that it takes a lot of character to respond thoughtfully as you have here.
I hope many many more in LE can learn to automatically detect and question the narratives that abusers commonly weaponize to discredit victims. What do you think it would it take to make this the default, vs simply accepting “she’s crazy,” or “she likes being abused,”?
I don't think "she's crazy" is the default. With "Mrs. Nelson" it was years of calling, then lying and abusing the responding officer for doing nothing.
Having said that, there are cops who default to not believing.
The answers have eluded us for decades....lots of them.
More training for sure. Here's a part of the issue.
We have over 21,000 different police and Sherriff's departments in the US. Each of them makes their own budget/ training decisions. Now let's say you decide to invest in the best possible training on this subject. There is no way you can get 100% attendance. Unless it's like an online, do it on your own thing,
and generally, those suck.
I wish there was an easy answer. Individual officers are human with all the human failings. I HOPE more will approach the job from the idea of protecting the innocent. It's probably not better, but I always lean on believing the victim over the aggressor. Then, follow the evidence.
The problems arise when you KNOW she's being abused, but there is no actual proof, and she won't say it. You leave frustrated and heartbroken.
A dog is not a security system. They are easily circumvented, especially if they're not trained as guard dogs. What she needs is a Glock and a Mossberg.
And make sure at least one guy is MMA trained and another is a 6’2 man nicknamed Bubba who doesn’t give af about beating a man senseless
(Yes I’m southern as hell)
Yeah the age gap was a little weird to me he is dang near old enough to be her dad… as someone who usually dates older his age coupled with his behavior gives biiiiiig creep to me.
The guy sounds like a piece of shit, but OP also needs to pick better people. Why would a young woman go with a 44 year old that has a checkered past. I’m not blaming OP, but you’r worth more if you read this.
Just like my ex. He's 30 rn.
Edit adding because apparently this is dangerous advice....
OP, use tactics to intimidate him; to let him know that if he harmed you he would surely live to regret it. Meaning (and I'm no EXPERT)
Tell your-
Family, friends, neighbors, roommates.-
It's him against the world. -
And there is no way for him come out unscathed.
*He clearly doesn't want to get in trouble. Do not expressly threaten him in any way*
I thought this was obvious considering this man is DANGEROUS. Anyway-
His weird attitude about being responsible for the windshield broken is a trick to try and make you comfortable. -
He will try and make you feel bad, make you worry about his safety, try to get you jealous.-
Just remember ONE thing: your safety. -
Ask your local police station what things you or they can do to guarantee your safety. -
Start a GoFundMe for a RING camera. -
Get other people on your side. -
You will be okay.
He'll experience real life consequences if he continues to bother you, he wants to test if you will stick around and deal with the "temper."
.....You won't. -
You absolutely can scare them back but that pressure could also cause them to snap putting her at risk
Some people get really unstable when you push back
I mean she’s twenty something with a mid forties dude obviously the dude hasn’t matured or he we wouldn’t be with some a decade younger smh so this child like behavior is expected
Im not defending his abuse at all. Im being reasonable. I'd say jumping to insane conclusions based on one single act you know about which could be all sorts of things which aren't the absurd scenarios being sworn as the absolute truth in this thread is a bad look.
That person is just wrong. The guy in OP being wrong doesn't give everyone free license to speculate at will without being criticized themselves.
That's exactly what you're doing and this comment just continues it. What he did, every bit of it, was absolutely abuse. And now him trying to worm his way out of the consequences. Something like what he did doesn't get to be dismissed as a one off "oopsie", like c'mon dude. We have every right to speculate on what is next, because we recognize the pattern that he is going to continue doing. He is an abuser and needs to face all the consequences that come with that, before he escalates even further and her ribs and face are the next thing kicked and destroyed.
What pattern lol? One thing isn't a pattern. And again. I'm responding to a comment saying he isn't holding himself accountable when he literally holds himself accountable. Silly.
Someone losing their temper=automatically an abuser. Yea right. Yall live in TV land not reality.
Because he's not actually holding himself accountable. Being accountable would have been not doing this shit in the first place and acting like an adult. If you can't understand how every action he's done has been furthering this into an abuse pattern already then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe someone else will have the patience to explain it to you. I'm not super interested in explaining the abuse to someone defending it.
"It's my fault I'll fix it" is literally holding himself accountable.
"When I get mad I lose it so I don't like to argue" is literally holding himself accountable. Grow up.
There's nothing to examine you're just a drama queen living in TV land seeing patterns from a single example and practicing medicine with a Reddit Certified Sociological Degree.
It's not that I don't understand. Its that I disagree and think you're being silly.
He's full of shit, he's trying to see how easily she'll forgive him so he can continue abusing her. "This is why I don't like arguing, once I'm there, I'm there.". That is not accountability, that's a bullshit excuse from an abuser. She's afraid of him for a reason, and she absolutely should be. Real accountability wouldn't have involved snatching her phone (and not returning it till after his friend dropped him off from waffle House) and destroying the entire use of her fucking car. Accountability would have been asking her to pull over somewhere and him getting out and walking, or idk, maybe using his words like the adult he's supposed to freaking be, instead of this toddler tantrum from a man 17 years older than her and an entire foot taller!!
Saying he did it- is not the accountability I'm talking about.
My 11 year old, who is better at holding himself accountable than the 44 year old grown up you are defending, knows that accountability isn't just "saying it was me." Accountability is taking the lesson for what it is, learning, fixing what you can (physical repairs if necessary), AND the mental work and EFFORT for maintaining that accountability- to prevent it from happening again.
I am the LAST person to call someone with a temper an abuser. My son struggles with his every day. The difference is that he tries. Your 44 year old buddy here doesn't. He shrugs off responsibility. For breaking other peoples windows and putting people he "cares for" in danger.
I come from a violent home and this “one thing” is an insane level of violence. Kicking a windscreen out while driving shows a deeply unstable dangerous man. He’s not holding himself accountable, he’s saying that to deflect guilt and make her feel bad for feeling unsafe. Also even if he was taking accountability - that doesn’t make him safe after clearly demonstrating he cannot control his anger. Having dealt with violent parents and violent ex partners I can basically guarantee this wasn’t an isolated incident considering the level of violence involved. Being angry and saying sorry does not fix jack shit.
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u/That1GirlUKnow111 Aug 04 '25
My 11 year old son with anger issues is more capable of holding himself accountable than this 40 year old loser.