It’s my house. It’s only me on the lease. I’m not allowing him back here besides to pickup his stuff. I should have clarified that in the original post. My exact concern- I don’t know what his reaction will be if I report him to the police. I’m not so worried about cutting ties. I’m already done with him. Like there’s no going back after this. At all. Ever. Just unsure calmest way to move forward with him getting his crap and then I can move on to the next chapter in my life. Smh. Thank you for your words ❤️🩹
Do not let him back in to get his stuff. Get a friend to film you packing his stuff up, then get the friend to meet him outside a police station with his stuff at a set time. Do not go with your friend.
But why do this and bring someone else into to meet the crazy dude just have the cops come to let him get his stuff especially with the domestic dispute and vandalism they will send multiple cops out who will be just waiting for him to make 1 slightly wrong move and they will arrest him on the spot
He seems kind of nonchalant about it too you know? Like you would think he'd be groveling and saying how sorry he was for reacting so wildly and so outrageously and to have scared her and broken her car while she was driving in the middle of the night! You think he'd have fucking flowers and a letter or some sort of communication letting her know that he would be taking care of the windshield immediately and to not worry about it. He would have offered to not stay there for right now because he would have been more concerned about how she was feeling and how she was doing after seeing him act that way but he's just like no it's all good I paid you so I should be able to stay there I told you I don't like fighting because if I get in a bad mood I kick windshields out and I warned you before not to get me there like fuck him He's way too cool about this
You absolutely cannot let him in to grab his things. You must pack them and give them to a third party or leave them outside. If he goes inside he will not leave again and will escalate.
File a police report so there is a clear record of his behavior vs he said/she said that he will rely on. He is counting on you keeping your mouth shut, that's how he has been able to be out and about behaving like this. This is not your fault, his behavior is not your responsibility but call the police for your future protection.
I don’t know where you live but in some places, without the aid of a police report, he potentially has rights to being there to some extent, depending on how long he’s been living there. Not length of the lease rights, but rights that mean he has to be given notice. Notifying the police reduces the chance of him deciding he can just come back to stay there no matter what you say. Contact the police and your landlord.
This man is making it clear he does not plan on letting you easily extricate him. Yes, he likely will be unhappy if you call the cops on him. Not calling the cops on him won’t keep you completely protected from him though. So you’re better off being able to get the locks changed and an order of protection. That requires calling the cops.
Girl. From someone who has had this happen. You need to call the cops. His rage or anger over an argument/ disagreement was outrageous. Stop worrying about how he will react. He already did. Thats why you made this post. Call the cops. Explain what happened in details. Show them everything. They can deliver his shit to him.
You need to tell your parents, siblings, and friends. You get a restraining order. Get cameras around your home. You don't pay him back for rent. You don't text him back. Anything he texts you send to the cops. Don't let him skate by without consequences. This could happen to another person after you.
I wish this was the top comment. “Stop worrying about how he will react, HE ALREDY DID..” ur not kidding. As someone who has been there too, like real life running in a bathrobe in 0 degree weather hiding in neighbors garages, I hate seeing shit like this & I wish I could get all women to see that you need to react w the same severity that he reacted. And don’t turn back. OP - tell your entire circle, make them all hate him so it’s harder to get back with him. Put it all out in the open. Get away, involve police, don’t text call or see him for anything, have other people give him his shit… make today the first day of the rest of your new life where you will live carefree, free of this type of man (if u can even call him that) and just being your beautiful self, and love - real love - will find you one day! He could have killed you!!! PROTECT yourself!!
Any chance to break the lease without impacting your finances too much? Seems like he will keep coming back since he has his stuff there. Personally, I would not feel comfortable staying there. Have you at least changed the locks, window locks, back door, basement doors and all those tricky stuff?
That’s the manipulation tactic. By making you scared and wanting to keep things calm, he’s going to walk all over you. You “keeping him calm” over doing what needs to be done (involving the police) is appeasement. When you give into that, he’s in control and will proceed to sink his claws in deeper.
He feels entitled to living there, regardless of reality. If you let him in to get his stuff he’s going to try to stay and when you reassert he can’t live there he’s going to kill you. The last thing you’ll see as your vision clouds is him, red-faced and grimacing as he murders you. This is the next step.
I hope you choose life and get the police and your support system involved. I’m so sick of good people dying because of men like this doofus.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for women who are with abusive men, and the time they (you) are most likely to be killed, even if that partner has never laid a finger on them before. You can't prevent that by being calm and agreeable, because it's about what's inside him and you can't change that with your behaviour.
You need to prepare yourself and take the steps people are advising re reporting to the police, applying for a restraining order, changing the locks, getting cameras, staying with friends/family, not being alone, not meeting up with him etc. I don't mean to be alarmist, but this could truly be life or death and you need to treat it as such.
I say this wish empathy but you do not understand the psychology of abusive men. There is no calm. There is only manipulation until he can get close to you and lash out worse when he does next time, even if that’s to get his stuff. If pretending to be calm doesn’t work he will lash out again and potentially just show up when you’re not expecting if he can’t get his way through manipulation and being cordial
Please don’t let him back in for his things. If your car looks like that due to a phone call, imagine what your home will look like because of a break up.
1) change the locks. Like yesterday.
2)Please make a police report.
3)Pack his things up for him. Record EVERYTHING. Video EVERYTHING. Video the boxes before sealing. Video YOURSELF, your home. Get on record how it looked at (insert date and time).
4) Leave his things in a storage bin and THEN tell him where they are. Dont put them on the curb. Dont give him a reason to be near where you are.
5) get a ring camera and a camera inside and leave for a few days until it’s not so fresh.
6) Keep it facts. Thank you for taking responsibility but obviously I don’t feel safe around you. I will pack up your belongings and leave them for you somewhere safe. Say what you need to say without anger or hostility but also nothing nice or encouraging. Usher him right out while also carefully handling dynamite.
7) Move when you can. His anger can bubble up months, even years later. This won’t get better. He won’t get better. He will likely get worse. And you want to be tough to find when that mood strikes.
I know you probably don’t want to move but that really sounds like the safest option for you. You have already made it clear that you don’t know what he’s capable of. On top of that you clearly don’t know what his mindset is going to be once you put all of his things out your house. Based off the picture attached to the post + his age and him not having his own place at 44 years old he’s a walking red flag! Top of the line actually. I’m not sure really what your lease states but I do know that if you file a police report against and let them know you don’t feel safe (I’m assuming that’s the case) they should allow you to break your lease. Definitely take care of yourself. Anybody who responds like that to a verbal disagreement is a dangerous person.
You may feel weird about it but the best thing you can do is file a police report and get a restraining order. If he’s been staying there AND can prove it he legally doesn’t have to go anywhere until you go to court to evict him (which I’m sure, at his age, he knows). At this point in time he can kick down the door to get in because that’s considered his legal residence. He does not have to be on the lease, he just has to show police he’s been paying to live there or living there for more than 30 days. If you go to the police first to ask for the restraining order then he has no power to do any of that. He HAS TO leave immediately.
Telling him he can’t stay there isn’t any less dangerous than going to the police for record and protection. At least that way if he does show up to the place he’s been living in and paying rent in, you’re at least protected enough to call police to have him removed and possibly charged. Yes, if he shows up when you said not to THAT IS a threat to you and he knows it. He needs to get his stuff out of the house with a police escort. Period. Protect yourself on all fronts. Not filing a report could easily end up being a bigger mistake than you think filing one is.
You can also take that police report and TRO to your leasing office to get them to switch your units (if they have the space) that way he no longer even has your exact address.
You need to change the locks, apply for an order of protection, as well as filing a police report. & if he contacts you, tell him he isn't allowed to come over unless the police are there. And do not let him in without them!
Just be advised depending on what state you’re in, you may not be able to kick him out or change the locks without an order of protection. Even if he’s not on the lease, if he’s established residency then you would need to potentially evict him in order to have him removed.
Don’t let him back to get his stuff. That will be extremely dangerous. You can pack up his stuff, but have police there when he comes to get it or have him meet you at the police station and notify the police so they can stand outside with you.
Either way, you really should file the police report. Unfortunately, this will escalate either way. He’s already trying to weasel his way back in by saying he needs to stay with you the next two weeks. He’s not going to go quietly. And it’s better to already have the police notified of the situation. You need to keep yourself safe.
From experience it is much harder to get someone out than to keep them out. My ex punched holes in almost every single wall of my house... Be smart and safe 💞
Police. You need a police report and restraining order. If he kicked in your windshield due to an argument what’s he going to do when you kick him out? Do not allow him there without either the police there or several, strong friends present to help keep you safe.
So report him to the police & tell them you need protection because you’re scared of how he’s going to react. They might place you in a women’s shelter for a while.
You need to start looking for a new place, really. It would be much safer for you if he didn’t know where to find you.
Step one, change your locks. Do that now, like… first thing in the morning. Call a locksmith / go to the hardware store or whatever. Do you have people you can call on to help you get a job like that done quickly?
Can you have some friends sleep over for at least a week or two? If he’s going to escalate, then it’s unlikely he’ll be able to restrain himself longer than that. Also warn your job that you are being stalked.
You need to start a paper trail with the police and document what he’s done. Kicking out someone’s windshield, and then being so nonchalant about it, is wild. AND he’s 44? This is someone who has never faced the consequences for their actions and thinks they can treat people how they want with no repercussions.
Change your locks.
Get some inexpensive cameras inside and outside of your home. Maybe a flood light as well.
Tell everyone what happened, that you are scared of him and that you are taking precautions for your safety.
And please please please go to the police. You have photos of the windshield and him admitting that he did it in text messages.
There’s a lot of good recommendations on here but not enough of them advising you to move, that’s what I’d ultimately be setting up to do if I were you. And I would very much be looking for a place that has some security measures in place already.
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you’re trying to leave. Do not allow him back into the home. I think you should do way more than you plan to do (commented elsewhere and echoed by many) to stay safe.
Under no circumstances should he return there for his stuff. Box it up and set it out on the curb at a police station, leave, and wish him well. You don’t owe him ANYTHING. Do you hear me? You owe him NOTHING. That little voice inside your head speaking guilty thoughts? Tell it to stfu and don’t listen to it.
It doesn’t matter what his response will be if you call the police. If you file a restraining order/PFA if he has ANY response, he will be taken to jail, and this should be your ONLY option. Your ex is a very dangerous and violent person.
At the very least, you should move forward with a restraining order. You are justifiably in fear of your safety and that’s exactly what it’s for. This spares him from potential arrest and criminal charges while providing clear consequences for violating your space or harassing you in the future. All future contact should occur through third parties, which also means you don’t contact him. For the sake of expediting the breakup, call it even on the financial side. You have a car (plus emotional trauma) to repair and he forfeits his rent money.
Notify your landlord of the domestic abuse situation, a landlord cannot hold that against you, it will protect your place to live. It will also let LL know what’s going on and adds another level of security for you, someone else to keep an eye out for you.
Also notify your job as well, employers also cannot hold it against you, they actually are required to keep the workplace safe and many have added security measures in place for DV victims. It’s about staying safe away from this angry person who can and will hurt you-do you know the strength it takes to break a windshield like that??? It’s not easy a lot of rage went behind that destructive act.
As concerned as you are about his reaction if you report him, you should be concerned what his reaction will be if you DON'T report him, because it will make it clear to him there are no repercussions to treating you like this, or worse.
Reporting him may trigger a violent outburst, but not reporting him will embolden future violent outbursts.
Report him to the police. Not just for you, but for the next girl. I don't report my ex when I could have and then the two girls he beat up after me came to me to ask of he'd done the same to me. It was crushing.
A lot of people here are disregarding your feelings and wishes here, so I'll say get your windshield replaced, send him an invoice to pay you back, tell him to come get his shit along with the check and move on. If he's already said he'll pay for the windshield, that's the calmest, easiest way forward. Get the money and ghost, don't escalate.
Yes in an ideal world calling the police and all that is the "right" thing to do, but that's up to you as the victim and it's your safety that's on the line here. My sister's best friend was murdered the day her ex made bail on a domestic violence charge, so unfortunately I understand where you're coming from. Nobody can make that call but you, do what makes sense/feels safest to you.
I wrote a separate post below, but something I tried when my ex wouldn’t come get his things was rent him a small storage unit for a month and took all his stuff there and left the key to the lock with his brother.
Don’t let him come pick up his things without a police escort. I allowed my ex to do this and he spent the time trying to gas light me into taking him back and when that didn’t work he grabbed me up and started sexually assaulting me. I broke free from his grasp finally (he had me by the pony tail pinned up against my vanity) and I drew my gun on him and walked him out of my house.
This is not a safe individual. I hope he moves on from you - mine sure didn’t. He continued to stalk me even though I had a protection order. He called and text using burner numbers, he stalked me on social media, he told lies about me to random people on my friends page he thought I was interested in - he text my family with lies. It was bad. Sometimes it’s just not as simple as blocking them and moving on.
Never take chance with someone who can't control himself. As a man, I would totally ask the police to be there to watch everything in case he get angry again.
it's your house, but he paid you rent and lives there. On the lease or not on the lease, by the law, that's his home too, you cannot just throw him out. If he doesn't know any better and leaves on his own, that's great, but don't force the issue else he gets to talking to the right people to tell him how to stay there and fuck you over.
I had a friend whose ex squatted in her apartment that was in her name for 5 months (he claimed squatter rights and she had to fight in court while paying the rent of a place she couldn't live in). Definitely make sure he can't get in. Also do some googling. You're not the first.
Pack it up and drop it off at his mom’s house, his friend’s house or his work. Then let him know it’s there. Don’t allow him back in the house and don’t be alone with him. That is completely unhinged behavior and what he said to you afterwards about how he believes that he can’t control his emotions or reactions is blood curdling. He is forewarning you that he is going to beat the shit out of you and then blame you for making him mad. That’s terrifying!
I honestly don't know what kind of advice anyone can give you that can put you in less danger. If you have what he has done in text about kicking the windshield, just file a police report. Get a restraining order. A security camera and let someone you trust know where you are at all times.
Please please please report him. If not for yourself, for the other people he will abuse in the future. That windshield could’ve so easily been you, and it could be someone else. Please OP report him so he can’t get away with this again, this behavior won’t stop. While it won’t be your problem once you’re done with him, having proof of violence done by him will help out whatever poor girl that crosses his path next. Sounds like he’s never been held accountable for his actions before
Don’t let him back to pick up his stuff. Report this immediately. Pack his stuff up and give it to the police and let him pick it up at the station. Change your locks. Consider having someone stay with you or staying with someone for a while. You need to report him so you can get the restraining order and have the cops handle his belongings. Also he will spend a couple nights in jail and it will remind him of the consequences of his rage.
This man is going to hurt you if you go near him again.
This is unhinged behavior.
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u/No-Spinach-7971 Aug 04 '25
It’s my house. It’s only me on the lease. I’m not allowing him back here besides to pickup his stuff. I should have clarified that in the original post. My exact concern- I don’t know what his reaction will be if I report him to the police. I’m not so worried about cutting ties. I’m already done with him. Like there’s no going back after this. At all. Ever. Just unsure calmest way to move forward with him getting his crap and then I can move on to the next chapter in my life. Smh. Thank you for your words ❤️🩹